Flower Potter and the Stone of Hot Ice

The Sorting Hat in "Honey I Sorted the Students!"

After recovering from being hit by the double doors, the First Years of Hogwarts entered, not knowing what to expect.

A rather pesky small fellow holding a ball suddenly appeared as some kind of spectre of some sort. It was Peeves the Poltergeist, annoyingus maximus. He snickered at the "wee ickle Foist Years" and threw his ball at them. Now, why a poltergeist would be able to hold a physical object is beyond explanation so lets just cut to entering the Great Hall.

"So, what do we do in the Great Hall?" asked Flower.

"We get sorted into our houses... Frieda and Georgia told me you... you have to get up on a stool and..."

"And what?" asked Flower.

"And do the Truffle Shuffle!" shrieked Haruko.

Flower looked horrorstruck. The truffle shuffle, also called, Dance of the Drunken Pig, required the dancer to do the Brownian Motion while making a jiggling noise. God forbid if you don't know what the Brownian Motion is.

The girls walked with there fellow First Years into the Great Hall. And, well, the Great Hall was...... uhm....... great.

Flower and Haruko were impressed by the capacity of it all. There were four tables lined up with tons of students. A main table sat up front, and a stool with a ragged hat stood before them as they walked down in between the tables. It looked big enough to fit Shenmue and his fun family and a lifetime supply of Jell-o.

Flower saw Professor Shrivel sitting at the Staff Table. He still had the very large rubber ducky on his head as he did in Diagon Alley. There were no UV Rays or Aliens at Hogwarts, but she figured he just liked having it.

Soon, Professor Dumbledore, the Deputy Headmaster and Transfiguration teacher, greeted them.

"Welcome to Hogwarts!" he said. "This is how we'll sort you into your houses!" He pointed to the hat. "When I call your name, you will come up here and put it on. Then, it'll sort you into your houses."

"Uhm," began Haruko, "isn't this a bit faulty? I mean, what if our qualities change in the next seven year-"

"THEY GOD DAMNED WON'T! SO SHUT UP, STAND UP, AND LET THE SORTING BEGIN!" roared Dumbledore.

The entire hall fell silent, and Haruko stood up like a soldier. Dumbledore barked in German at all the First Years and they quickly lined up in a line. He then commanded them to yell, "HEIL HOGWARTS!" which they did. He then took out a list of white paper typed in Courier New, size 11. He then began barking the names of students, last name alphabetical.

Arbitur, Kinder was sorted first. He put the hat on his head, and the hat yelled, "GRYFFINDOR!" Kinder cheered and went to join the Gryffindors.

Flower began wondering, what if the Hat didn't sort her? What if it said, "NO HOUSE FOR YOU!" and Dumbledore thrust it off and barked for her to give him 400 push ups then go back to the Dorksleys? Damn. That'd suck.

Focker was called up to the hat. Before it even went within a foot of her head, the hat let out a loud scream.

"DON'T PUT ME ON HER! GET HER ASS IN HUFFLEPUFF! NOW! GO! SHOO! RIN PYOU TOU SHA KAI JIN RETSU SAI ZEN! AKURYOU TAISAN!"

Focker was repelled from the hat, and she promptly sat down at the Hufflepuff table next to Fuuji and Raiji. More and more names went by, and then finally, "Potter, Flower" was called.

The entire hall looked towards her as she stepped up. There were mumbles and murmurs about her name and her appearance and her scar. She put the hat on her head, and it began to poke around.

"How interesting," it began. "Not a bad mind... plenty of... uhm.. interesting features... oooh, but what's THIS interesting factor? Hoho! I think you should go in Hufflepuff..."

"OH GOD NO PLEASE NOT HUFFLEPUFF ANYTHING BUT HUFFLEPU-"

"Quit whining already! Your starting to sound like Olivia Hussey!" the hat barked. "Gawd, if she hadn't done herself in with that dagger, I would've! Whine whine whine! Poor me! Damned broad!"

"She wasn't very experienced with crying either! I mean, come on, you could totally tell it was fake!" replied Flower.

"I KNOW!" yelled the Hat. "And she had so much screen time too! Wasted me a buck of my savings!"

Dumbledore began pacing around the room and tapping his foot.... he was getting ruddy impatient. The hat finally yelled, "fine, if not Hufflepuff, THEN YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS IN SLYTHERIN!"

Flower did as she was told, and sat next to Tom at the Slytherin table. Haruko was called up last. She slid onto the seat and put it on.

"Hmhmmhmm.... I should put you in someplace like Gryffindor or Ravenclaw, but, because of story reasons, and other stuff like someone blackmailing me knowing where my loose thread was, YOU'LL GO INTO SLYTHERIN!"

Haruko took a quick breath and joined Flower, Tom, and her two twin sisters. Headmaster Dippet stood up to make a speech. He tapped his fork on his goblet, and accidentally broke it. He quickly replaced it, and began his speech.

"Welcome to another exciting year at Hogwarts!" he began sheepishly. "The Gameskeepress Ruby Hagatha would like me to remind you all that the Forbidden Forest is out of bounds! And Mr. Riddle if you attempt to Apparate ONE MORE TIME I'LL KILL YOU! Ahem. And furthermore, no underage and illegal magic... MEANING YOU CAN'T DO THE ANIMAGUS TRANSFORMATION EITHER MR. RIDDLE!" Tom looked gloomily at his empty plate and began crying. "Now, with that all said and done, GOOD GOD LETS EAT!"

Food suddenly appeared on the empty plates, and the entire Hall went into a state of serious obesity. There was pitchers of Pumpkin Juice, and it was the only thing to drink, yep, that's right: only Pumpkin Juice. No water, no Orange Soda, no Root Beer, no Orange Juice, no Milk, no Ginger Ale, no Apple Cider, no Coke. None of us could possibly live in a world like that, y'know?

For entrees, there were golden plates of Potted Roast, Suck-On Savory Rose Marie Chicken, Duck and Bean pie, Pig Kidney Pudding, big tubes of KFCC (Kentucky Fried Clone Chicken) meals, Lamp Chops' Chops, Popeye's Chicken, White Pudding, Hawaiian Sweet Rolls, Sweet Yams, Cornish Pixie Pasteries, 3rd Encounters with the Close Kind Mashed Potatoes, Et Tu Brutus Salad, Shepherd Pot Pie, and Lois Willkerson's 7-Day Left Over Casserole.

Not wanting to miss anything, Flower and Haruko stuffed themselves royally. They noticed that only Tom was brave enough to try the Et Tu Brutus Salad, which could supposedly kill you. Haruko hoped it killed him so she could rape his corpse afterwards, while Flower just wanted another Sweet Yam.

Flower noticed a weird African/Dark-skinned man sitting at the Staff Table besides Shrivel. He had a black hat on backwards, sunglasses, a mustache, and a very baggy shirt and huge pants on with an even larger robe around these clothes.

"Tom, who's that?" she asked him innocently.

"Oh, him," clucked Tom. "That's Professor Snoop Doggy Dog, head of the Hufflepuff House, and the Herbology Teacher. He's actually been having us grow marijuana plants and infuse them with something called cocaine for the past three years. And we also grew tobacco which we wrapped in small paper. Herbology's really boring though, we all know he's actually after Shrivel's job as the Potions teacher for a long time."

Flower noticed he was staring at her, and quickly went back to her plate. After everyone was finished, dessert was served.

The tables were filled with Yorkie Puppy Pudding, Branded Dick, promotional Johnny Deep Chocolat figurines, Gateau Mocha, Tiramisu, Chocolatemisu, Carrot Glace, Marron Glace, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, and Bryce 3D Pudding.

After falling into Wizarding obesity, the two girls were led up to the Slytherin Common room by Tom. He led them into the dungeons on a Yellow Brick road with lions, tigers and bears, oh my!

Tom introduced them to the Slytherin Common Room guardian portrait of Johann Faustus ("He was an insane genius," Tom noted).

"The password is Alchemy this week," he told the first years. The portrait hole opened, and he led them down the stairs into the Common Room.

The Common Room had a small fireplace, green plush chairs, a disco ball hanging from the ceiling. There was a couple of silver plush love seats, and the floor was brick with a big green and silver rug lined in black with little forest green baby snakes on the edges.

Utterly cute could just about sum the rug up.

Flower, Haruko, Sears Finfin, Danielle Thompson, Riirii Poo, Thetic Blynd, and Annalisa Stace were then led down to a door labeled, "1st Year Little Girlies." Flower saw the Pig Latin boy, Orville Wright, go into the "1st Year Little Boyz-zah" dorms, and Tom headed up into the "4th Year Womanizers" dorms.

The dorm room inside had seven pink fluffy beds with glittery silvery sheets and canopies. They were all four poster beds with curtains for ueber-privacy, and the curtains were satin with a layer of lace over them. The walls were painted in rainbow, and the dressers were painted white with bright pink tones.

Flower and Haruko stared at the room before they found there trunks placed by there beds. Danielle was hanging up a poster of some Muggle Rugby team by her bed, and Sears was unpacking. Thetic was apparently slightly blind and her parents didn't have enough money for Wizard Glasses, and kept talking to her lamp. Annalisa was whining about everything, and Riirii was pissed because she belonged in Ravenclaw like every other girl who was trying to get romantically involved with Tom Riddle.

Flower fell strait asleep on her bed, and Haruko did the same.

The beds were nice and cozy, and it looked to be a nice long nap, but instead, Flower had a very, very weird dream in which the large rubber ducky hat that sat on the top of Professor Shrivel's head protecting him from UV Rays and Aliens was talking to Flower.

It crossed it's eyes and looked demonically at her.

"YOU MUST GO TO HUFFLEPUFF! IT WAS YOUR DESTINY! YOUR FATHER WAS IN HUFFLEPUFF! YOUR MOTHER WAS IN HUFFLEPUFF! THUS, YOU MUST BE IN HUFFLEPUFF!"

Flower stared awkwardly at it, and decided to pinch herself to wake up. The rubber ducky squeaked in anger at her as she did this, but she woke up none the less, and decided she'd get Shrivel's rubber ducky a Certificate to the "Sigmund Freud Institution for Talking Rubber Duckies who need Mental Help" for Christmas.