Flower Potter and the Stone of Hot Ice

The Evil Tyrannist Groupies... and Tom

When it FINALLY hit Flower that the package in vault 666 and the dog from last night could be connected, six owls flew in with a large parcel which was promptly dropped in front of Flower and Haruko. Her mind quickly switched from "Big Serious Thing" to "BROOMSTICK!"

She tore the note off the front, which was in von Wolfenstein's handwriting. It said:

"Flower -

Don't open this at the table. It has your new WD-40 Broomstick. Olivia Woodchuck'll show you the basics out in the courtyard at 7:30 pm."

T. v. W."

Happy as could be, she and Haruko threw down their napkins and rushed to open it somewhere else when suddenly, Focker, Fuuji, and Raiji leaped out and jumped them.

"RAPE!" screamed Haruko.

"What's this?" asked Focker. She picked up the WD-40 Box. "Hey... this is a broomstick!"

Suddenly, Professor Nichichi came around the corner drinking an Expresso Shot.

"Word," he said coolly.

"Professor!" began Focker, "Pothead has a Broomstick!"

"It's all cool," he replied. "You is the new Slytherin Seeker, yea?"

Flower and Haruko nodded eloquently in reply.

"Ah, yea, Flower-o. Thames told me about the special circumstances. 'Tis cool."

Flower and Haruko nodded and smirked back with toothy grins. Focker stared in absolute horror, as Flower gracefully pulled her WD-40 from Focker's slimy hands.

She and Haruko turned around as Nichichi left, and did the Under the Arm Upper Cut Fist gesture, stuck their lounges out, and continued their bogus journey to the dormitories.

Tom however stopped them on their way.

"Oh you all think you're soooooo brilliant and soooooo cool because you broooke rules and got a broooomstick?"

"Yes, actually, we do."

"Yea, so like, cya."

He threw his hands up in the air and marched off to get a Happy Meal - still 2 pounds underweight.

That night, Flower went out to the field with Olivia. She appeared with a pink suitcase in hand, and opened it up. Inside, there were four balls: two Green, one big Red one, and a smaller rainbow colored one.

"The first rule of Fight Club," began Woodchuck, "is that no one talks about Fight Club."

"Wait, what-"

"The second rule is," continued Woodchuck, "is that there are no rules to this game with the exception of Rule 1."

Flower nodded uncertainly.

"Now, here's how you play. The two Beaters, the Weasley twins, beat these two balls-" she pointed to the Green balls, "-and make sure you, the Seeker, don't get hit. If you get hit, your damn fault. Not ours. Make sure you sign the Insurance Form, by the way."

Olivia handed Flower a large 900-page document with a tiny space for a minute signature at the bottom of the 900th page. Flower signed "Flower Potter" on the dotted line and handed it back to Olivia.

"Then there's three Chasers. Ours are Spinner Sun, Angeloonie Jolie, Kathy Bates. The chasers have to get this large ball-" she pointed to the Red ball, "-into one of the three hoops at the opposing teams end of the Squidpit Ditch. It's the Keepers job to defend the Posts, and well, I'm the Keeper. Naturally, because I'm a Veela and all the other teams have Male Chasers, we're a pretty good team."

Flower nodded solemnly.

"Lastly, yes I am supposed to be Mary Sue so please don't ask me any questions about it."

Flower continued to nod.

"So anywho, your job as the Seeker is to find the third ball, the Technicolored Dreamball, when it's Flying around in the Fight Club Ditch. Find it, and you win us the game, Potter. Find it, and you win us the game, Potter."

"Uhm, why'd you say that last sentence twice?"

"Bad script writing on Steven Kloves part."

"Oh. Ok."

After, Flower mounted on her WD-40, and she rode around catching acorns that Woodchuck was throwing at her. Around 8:10, they both went back to the Slytherin dorm.

On Thursday of the week, it was Halloween, and Flower was in Charms on a day Tom was the Aide. Professor Carroll had been showing them the motion needed in casting the Kopykat spell which would copy someone's body work and create a little mini-person.

"Remember kids, Moonwalk," said Professor Carroll, "Robot, Matrix."

"Moonwalk, Robot, Matrix," they all repeated.

They were then partnered up to try it on each other, Flower and Sears were paired up, and Haruko and Orville were paired up.

"Cop-pee-kitty-cat-cop-pee-me-not-now!" said Haruko. She then moonwalked, did the robot stance, and swung her wand down in a slow-mo Matrix type scene.

Nothing happened.

Haruko threw her wand down (it poked out Thetic's eye and no one cared) and sat there angrily. Tom came over with his wand, and shoved her out of the way.

"You're saying it totally wrong," he said sassily. "It's Ko-pie-kit-tee-cat-ko-pie-me-not-now"! He moonwalked, performed the robot, and jolted around and swung his wand at Orville in slow-MO

From Orville, a little Mini-Orville image appeared, and began running around the room. It disappeared after a while. Professor Carroll applauded Tom, while Haruko muffly uttered some cuss words.

As they were walking out with Sears and Danielle to Lunch, Haruko began making fun of Tom.

"It's 'KO-pie,'" repeated Haruko. "Ugh. Why the hell does everyone think he's so great? He's such an annoying little jackass, and given his natural talent for magic and the correlation between having Muggle blood and being a powerful wizard, I'd say he really WAS a Mudblood."

At that moment, a figure passed through the four girls and knocked them into the fountain, and it ran off pouting. It was Tom.

"Oh PLEASE," replied Haruko as she removed a lilypad off her head. "We all call him a Mudblood! Afterall, he has to be called a Mudblood at least once 0r it's not a Pre-MWPP Pre-Harry Post-Founders fic! We all know that!"

Danielle, Sears and Flower nodded, and went to the Great Hall for lunch. They didn't see Tom all afternoon, or anytime afterwards either. And they heard his friends from AP Greek and Latin II saying how he hadn't been there that afternoon.

When it came time for the Halloween Feast in the Great Hall, Tom still wasn't there. Orville said he had been in the Boys Bathrooms' crying. Haruko rolled her eyes and mentioned he was acting way too femme about it to be a man.

Around 10 pm, Professor Shrivel suddenly ran in screaming.

"THERE'S A GROUP OF RABID FANGIRLS CALLED 'ETG' IN THE DUNGEONS!" He took a long, deep breath, and fainted.

Everyone screamed like little witches and wizards, and began scrambling to get out of the Great Hall. Flower had no idea what ETG was, but went with everyone anywise. Dippet called for everyone's attention.

"Prefects, lead your houses back to the Common Rooms, teachers come with me to the Dungeons."

Flower noticed Professor Snoop go behind a tapestry and out the door. She was quickly trampled by people so she couldn't see where he was going.

"What's ETG?" asked Flower.

"It's this psycho group of girls who hunt down cute guys," replied Annalisa as they were all rushing up the stairs. "Tom's in deep trouble if they find them."

"Why? What do they do to cute guys?"

Annalisa paused, and turned around and looked down at Flower and Haruko. With a menacingly lazy eye, she told them, "you really don't want to know."

Flower paused and suddenly gasped.

"What?" asked Haruko.

"Tom doesn't even know! Come on!"

Flower flew down the stairs, and Haruko chased after her.

"OK, so you're just going to run into the boy's bathroom, find Tom, battle a group of rabid fangirls, and get back to the Common Room unharmed?"

"Exactly," replied Flower sternly. "It's your fault! You're coming too!"

"Uhm, excuse me, but we're girls, not boys! We can't just-"

Haruko barely had time to finish before a group of girls suddenly paraded past them wearing shirts that said "ETG." They fled down the halls squealing and giggling.

"Oh no..." moaned Flower. "Come on, lets go!"

Haruko sighed, and followed.

"Well, now what?" asked Haruko.

"Simple. We jump one of them to blend in with the crowd."

Haruko's hands dropped to her sides and she was forcefully dragged into the plan. As ETG member's Rhianna and Giliath were walking at the back of the crowd discussing fanfics ("I'm telling you, Ghost of a Memory is going to knock Crimson Ink's ass!" "Hah! Yea right! Mine had a hot guy nude in it, yours doesn't!" "... Sh-shut up!" "Nyaaaa!"), Flower and Haruko grabbed them, bound them to an armor, and dressed in their ETG Uniforms, and went with the rest of the crowd.

"I SMELL HOT GUY!" yelled ETG Kelsi.

"Where?" asked ETG RoccRose.

"He's in the bathroom!" replied ETG Kelsi.

"TO THE BATHROOMS!" yelled ETG Phoenix Rose of Hope.

"YAAAAAA!" the ETG girls yelled as they rushed to the bathrooms. Haruko and Flower quickly ran along with them to catch up.

In the Bathrooms, Tom had finally gotten cleaned up, and as he was leaving, the ETG girls stampeded him.

"Soooo handsome!" drooled ETG Piper.

"He kind looks like that kid we sent Anthrax to a couple of weeks ago..." replied ETG Phoenix Rose of Hope. "You know, the one that got mixed up with a thing of lice?"

"Hah! He's hotter than him!" snapped ETG Someisa.

"Come! Let us hang him on this wall here!" said ETG Rena. "Can we put him Priest clothes? He'd look very, very sexy!"

"Ewwww!" said a disgusted ETG Nariko. "Christianity! Ew ew ew ew!"

"OK, sheesh, fine!" said ETG Rena throwing her hands up in the air.

"Uhm, who are you people?" asked Tom as he was being bound, gagged, hung on a cross, and stripped of his clothes. "HEY! LEAVE THE PANTS!"

"What should we do?" Flower asked Haruko.

"Make a distraction then free him?" suggested Haruko.

"OK, like what?"

"Well, you could say your Flower Potter then they all want your autograph and photo's and crap and when you want an autographed photo you'll want a cookie to go with it, and after you give them a cookie, they'll want a muffin, and after they'll want paints to paint a picture of their family, then they'll be reminded of their families and want to write them all letters, then they'll want pens and paper, so when you give them pens and paper they'll end up drawing pictures of hot guys and then they'll want tape to tape the pictures on the wall, and when you give fangirls tape... they'll want something to tape up... like an autographed photo! And when you give them an autographed photo they'll want a coo-"

"Haruko, that ain't gunna work."

"Yes, it will," she said sassily, "because during Common Event: 0001 you, Character 0001, will be able to hit switch 0001 which will trigger event ID number-"

"Uhm, no," replied Flower quickly.

"OK, you're the heroine, what's your genius idea?"

"Well, you could try and free him, ETG gets mad at you, then you use Copykittycat Copymenotnow, make an image of Tom, which runs off, ETG chases it, we lock ETG inside the nearest room, teachers deal with 'em, fin."

"... that HARDLY requires skill! My plan actual requires-"

"HARUKO! Shut up and do it!"

"FINE!" she roared. "But I'm telling you, if you'd just give them a god damned autograph they'd-"

"NO!" screamed Flower.

"Sheesh!" snapped Haruko throwing her hands up in the air. "Can a girl suggest something around in pea-"

Flower grabbed Haruko by the neck and began wringing it.

"FOR-THE-LOVE-OF-GOD-WOULD-YOU-SHUT-UP!"

Haruko swallowed, and motioned towards something.

The ETG girls had been standing there the whole time watching them.

"Oh.... shit...." replied Flower.

"Now, you see," began Haruko, "if we just gave them cookies they'd probably-"

Flower dropped Haruko's body onto the ground ("Ow! See, if we had cookies you wouldn't have to drop me onto the ground and ruin my totally awesome figure! Ouch ouch ouch!") and ran off. Haruko stumbled to get up, smiled cheesily, and ran quickly as she could. The ETG girls grabbed their Sporks and ran after Flower and Haruko.

Haruko hid by the suits of armor containing Giliath and Rhianna (who had moved onto talking about "The Years of the Snake: Tom Riddle and the Secret Guild" and "Dreamwalk Blue." "Years of the Snake is sooo gunna have a yaoi relationship between Tom and Chance!" "Oh, PLEASE. Tom has to get up with Thetis from Dreamwalk Blue!"), and when the ETG girls had turned the corner chasing Flower, Haruko went back to the boys Bathroom where Tom was hanging on the cross.

"Uhm, help?" he pleaded.

"Only if you say the magic word!" replied Haruko, crossing her arms together.

"Wha?!" replied Tom. "What magic words?!"

"THOSE magic words!"

"Oh, come on, Haruko-"

Flower was having a bad time warding off ETG. Eventually she made a U-Turn and headed back to the bathroom.

"Open sesame?" asked Tom.

"Nope."

"Hocus pocus?"

"Nope."

Flower continued running down the hall screaming her heart out as the ETG girls paraded after her. This time Giliath and Rhianna were talking about "Broken Victory" ("I don't even know where to begin..." gagged Rhianna. "It's Grindelwald not Grinsewald, and what the hell was with Dashell's death?") and "Imperius Quidditch" ("Christ, since when does Tom play Quidditch?" asked Giliath. "He's more of a Dark Artsy boy!").

"Come on!" whined Tom.

"Nope," replied Haruko firmly.

"Oh, screw this!" bellowed Tom. "Incendio!" The cross caught on fire, as did his binds, and he freed himself, leapt over the fire, put it out, and put back on his clothes.

"Very good Indianna," replied Haruko casually.

Tom sniggered at her remarks when Flower and the ETG girls burst into the room.

"ARGH!" roared Tom. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU STUPID FANGIRLS! TIME FOR A-A-A-ACTION!"

Tom suddenly whipped out his Animagus Transformation... he looked the same though. His hair suddenly began much more flatter and unscruffy, his cheekbones were more curved towards his mouth, his eyes were brown, and had a very weird and spotted face.... it was..... Christian Coulson!?

The ETG girls screamed at the top of their lungs. It was Christian Coulson - he who would forever shatter their dreams and faith in Warner Brothers!

The Tom/Christian Hybrid chased them off, and Haruko and Flower stared in disbelief.

"That's his Animagi transformation!?" asked Haruko.

"Guess so," replied Flower shortly.

As the Tom/Christian Hybrid got them off Campus, he returned to the bathrooms, smiled smugly, and turned back into Tom.

Professor Dumbledore, Shrivel and Snoop appeared running towards the boys bathrooms.

"What in gods name? Mr. Riddle, Miss Potter, Miss Weasley?"

Tom spoke up. "They were trying to rescue me! Emphasis on trying."

"Tom got rid of ETG," admitted Haruko. "He turned into Christian Coulson and warded them off.. and if it wasn't for him..."

"We'd've all been sacrificed to ETG's Sugar God?" finished Flower uncertainly.

"Alright then....." began Dumbledore. "Mr. Riddle, you used your Animagi Transformation, dumbass. Oh well, I'll take 5 points from Slytherin for the Transformation, but five Slytherin 5 points for getting Rid of ETG. And for you two... for utter stupidity in thinking you could actually defeat a bunch of weirdasses like them, I'll take 10 from Slytherin, but since you also got rid of ETG, I'll give you 10."

"So this is a Loss Nothing, Gain Nothing situation?" asked Tom.

"Yep."

"That's a rip off."

"Yes, well, life's not fair," Dumbledore snapped. "Now get back to your common rooms before I decide to give you all detentions!"

The three quickly scurried off, but Flower noticed that Snoop's leg looked rather bloody. Before any assumptions could be made, Haruko and Tom were dragging her off to the dungeons.

"Hey," Tom said, "uhm, thanks."

"Yea... you too...." replied Haruko uncertainly.

"STOP ACTING NORMAL!" roared Flower. "NO SERIOUSNESS IF ANY AT ALL ALLOWED, DAMMIT!"

"Oh, right, well...." said Tom.

The three skipped off to their dorms, finally a trio, while Giliath and Rhianna were still stuck in the armor suits.

"How about I Am Lord Voldemort?" asked Giliath.

"Aww, it was OK," replied Rhianna. "But Tom wasn't Tom! Christ! The kid had friends, there was the cliché Ravenclaw girl who wanted to have sex with him! That was totally typical Tom-fic! And the ending with the 'I Am Lord Voldemort' thing was pretty much expected......"

"Yea... I know what you mean...... hey, what about The World?"

".... isn't that like, Shameless Author Self-Insertion?" asked Rhianna.

"Well, yea, it's like Applied Mary Sueism!" replied Giliath.

"Oh, well, in the case of Applied Mary Sueism, I'd have to say that The World is the BEST, RIDDLE-FIC, EVER!"

"YEA!" roared Giliath.

"And just wait until Someisa comes out with der Mutter on Mothers day!"

"YEA!" repeated Giliath.

"THOSE'RE LIKE, BEST RIDDLE-FICS EVER!"

"YEA!" repeated Giliath.

They sat in silence for a very, very long time. "OK, is someone going to get us out of here or are we just going to be used as a really bad and overused plot device every now and then?"

"I think we're going to be an overused plot device."

Rhianna swore loudly. "Dammit! I had a Pokemon TCG to get to tomorrow!"

"Oh well, look at the bright side," began Giliath.

"What bright side?" asked Rhianna.

"Well, we've aided in shamelessly plugging other Riddle-fics and wasted some of Someisa's iMac's harddrive space!"

"How is that good?" asked Rhianna.

"Uhmmm........ I don't know... hey... when's this scene gunna end?"

"Uhhh... I don't know......"

Suddenly, in Times New Roman font, the six haunting characters (seven if you include the space) that ended 1984 appeared:

THE END "Damn," said Rhianna, "this ending sucks."

"You can say that again," replied Giliath.

"Damn," said Rhianna, "this ending sucks."