Inelegant Rumblings

The inelegant rumble in my stomach causes my face to contort in concentration. Of all the times to get wind, why now?! Professor Snape is standing up there blowing like a huge bag of hot air. Blah blah...who cares? Note to self: too many beans cause stomach difficulty.

I shift in my seat, trying to get in a position where the gas might retreat. My stomach rumbles again. Oh no. I lean slightly to my left and let go. Relief washes through me at the fact that:

1. I finally got it out

2. It was silent.

I sit peaceably for a moment when suddenly the stench overpowers me and I almost retch. Oh no...One by one every student in the room sniffs and let out a mighty yell, groan, etc. and look about for the culprit. Note to self: silent but deadly really is true.

I busy myself with trying to look as innocent as possible and joining in on the groaning, fanning of the nose and the attempt to find the culprit. Snape is looking particularly constipated. He is trying to pretend that there is not a horrendous stench in the room and pretends to be confused as to why the students are not paying attention. So far Gryffindor has lost thirty points. I sigh.

Have I mentioned that I have the worst poker face? Despite this, I am doing well at keeping my guilt a secret. Probably my lady-like demeanor for most of life helps foster their belief in my innocence.

Whoever designed this dungeon must have had torture in mind for circumstances just like this one. Note to self: dungeons are usually meant for torture...A Slytherin quietly opens the door. However, only slight wisps of fresh air are swept in. We enjoy the air for only seconds before the reek subdues it.

We still have half an hour of class left but, oddly enough, Snape cuts his lesson short and we are all in a hurry to run out of the room and into clean, fresh air. I am still giggling as we make our way into the hallway. Still giggling up the stairs. Still giggling as I walk into the Gryffindor common room. If anyone found my giggling odd they never mentioned it.

However, I am not one to keep such a surprise secret. Parvati joins me on the couch. Unable to contain myself for a moment longer I burst out.

"Do you want to know who did it?" I whispered.

"Of course!" she nearly shouts in my ear. Well, no need to explain "it", I suppose.

I giggle some more and say, "Me."

She gives me a disbelieving look and laughs so hard she falls off the sofa.

Just then Dean comes into the room and Parvati chokes out, "Lavender did it." Again, he knows exactly what "it" is and the look of incredulity he gives me is priceless. I turn beet red.

All Dean says is, "No way, not Lavender."

As the rest of my fellow Gryffindors file into the room they are told the identity of the culprit and each laugh at me. As I sit quietly in my seat I know I will NEVER live this down.

All of a sudden I smell something gross. I groan and fan my nose. Several others groan with me.

I hear the words I had known would come, "Lavender! Did you fart?"

I hide my face in my hands.