Recordings of Severus Snape's Life... If He Lived With Me

The Recordings of Severus Snape's Life (If he lived with Me. Muahahaha)

June 20, 2003

Dumbledore has found out that there is a child in the Muggle world that has a fixation for me. Didn't know why Dumbledore informed me of this...until he wanted me to go out and comfort this creature. Still don't know why he is making me do this. He claims he can't stand seeing a child cry. Funny, I didn't know he could see her. After lots of arguing and lots of glaring and lots of eyebrow arching, I finally gave in (Dumbledore offered a 50% pay increase, had to give in.) So I am now currently waiting at the doorstep to their home until she notices me.

You see, no one can really see me with the exception of her, and anyone else in the wizarding world that happens to be here as well. So her Muggle family now think that she is insane (which, she is, of course. Just not how they think) because she won't shut up about me. Very, very annoying. She has insisted on making a talk show to entertain her friends out in California and in New Mexico with me accompanying her to be the host. I have no idea how this is going to work out.

I guess there are some ways I can pity her. Having no one to talk to with the exception of herself and me (although I try to avoid her going to that extreme at all costs) and having a younger annoying sibling living with her... I am very happy to be an only child, life still sucked, but I'm very happy not to have older sibling duties. And she has just been removed from the only place that she knew as home and everything that she knew and loved and placed here with only her parents and annoying thing that she denies to have any relation to her. Sort of like me, only I don't have my parents or any 'siblings' with me. Thank God.

She seems to enjoy annoying me. And she succeeds at it, which is just as annoying as her attempts. And my glare doesn't do anything to her. She just glares back. Is it possible that she is immune to the evil glare? No! It can't be! But it does make one wonder... Self concluded, immune as immunities come to evil glare. Must find other things to send shivers down brat's back.

Will ponder on possibilities and write back with a conclusion (hopefully.)

July 1, 2003

Am back, and after many days of pondering, I have thought of nothing. I am slowly beginning to accept the fact that I am here until she finds interests to replace me. She promised me if I stop paying attention to me for more than three days, I could go on a week holiday, and come back and fulfil my duties of entertaining her. Am looking forward to this very much.

Amazingly, her expectations aren't too high. She just wants me to have an input and say something in "e-mails" she sends to her friends.

Someone found the possibility of myself keeping and caring for a plant would be highly unbelievable, and I found that highly nerve-racking. I can too care for plants! I have managed to teach for fourteen years and I haven't laid a hand on a student in meaning of harm yet! What makes you think that I can't do so with a plant that will die in a few days?! Oh...Miss Nikie is reading over self's shoulder and is telling me that it will not die in a few days and that I will take care of it.

I will be right back as I shoo her away.

Am back. She's giving me death threats! Honestly, all it needs is water and sunshine!

NIKIE: And love! You have to read the instructions and give it the PERFECT amount of water and sunshine...

Excuse me as I lock her in bathroom.

Am back. Now she is saying that she will buy me a plant to make sure I know the responsibilities that come in plant growing. Pah. There are no responsibilities. Why else do you think that Sprout managed to get the job so easily in herbology...of course she is nice and loving and very concentrated on her plants...Maybe Albus did notice her strong points instead of just giving the job to her at random...hm...maybe there IS a method behind his madness.

Ha! We all remember what happened when he hired that doof of a "highly skilled and responsible" professor. Idiot Lockhart, more concerned about his hair than the well being of his students. Hmph. Disgrace of teacher kind. And he erased his own memory...of course with the intentions of doing so to someone else, and the wand back fired, but that isn't the point! Lockhart is an idiot! And when Albus hired that deranged ferret! He could have gone loose and killed us all! And he was helping Black into the school!

But then again, Black was innocent and is now dead....

**hears loud wails of sorrow from bathroom at those words**

You are perfectly aware of his death, Miss Nikie! Get over it! I never wanted him dead but I feel no loss from his sudden depart. I truly hope JK Rowling doesn't make me pity Potter for that.

NIKIE: Oh, please! If you remember correctly in Harry's third year, you tried to send him to the dementors for the Kiss! Which is WORSE than death!

No, everyone misunderstood me! I said Kiss, as in the band! I wanted him to see the band!!

NIKIE: Ha! You never heard of Kiss until my mum mentioned them last week!

I am choosing to ignore Miss Nikie and carry on my recording of my life here at this miserable dump. I truly hope JK Rowling doesn't kill me off in the next book. That will be a serious reason for everyone to cry whilst reading the books. Ah! Eyes getting teary! Must go wash face, will write later.

July 11 2003

Oh my god, that brat really did buy me a plant.... It's a ... **reads tag** Dracaena "bi-colour". It is very spiny little bush like thing. Will ask Sprout what to do with it. **Pats plant lovingly** I will call it Angelo. Oh... it says what to do with it right here...okay, I will do so! **places plant on window sill and makes sure soil is soft**

Miss Nikie is very excited. Unsure why. Will investigate after pampering Angelo.

Later (two hours later)

Miss Nikie is excited about having dairy free ice cream. If it is dairy free, how is it ice cream? She says it isn't ice cream, it's Tofutti. It has the word Tofu in it, I am frightened. She claims it is very tasty and will make me taste it. Ha! Not if I have any dignit--

**spoon is shoved in face**

Dah! Get away from me you miserable prat! Hm...it isn't as disgusting as I thought, but it is still an imitation of ice cream, and I do not like sweets, so I will not have any later when the rest of the "people of whom she is brutally forced to live with" with the exception of the "female person whom she is forced to live with" who is at work, has their share of their real ice cream. She says that's a good thing so she can eat the rest of it. I believe she is currently leaving so she can sneakily eat some more before dessert time.

Sneaky prat. True, she is better at it than her "annoying short person of whom she is being brutally forced to live with" who gets caught. I don't know what she is hinting at...will not read into it. **moves hairless eyebrows thoughtfully**

July12, 2003

She has also been making me listen to "Creed" which is a band t hat she claims to have some very good hidden messages that I need to pay attention to. She needs to be more blunt at the times I need her to be blunt. She won't explain it thoroughly for me.

Am very tired of listening to Creed for the fifty-millionth time. She keeps playing "Inside Us All" which rambles about peace being inside us all and that it needs to be our friend or something along the lines of that. Don't know what she could be hinting at with that statement. Will not read into it.

Will return after destroying CD.

(Even later)

Have unsuccessfully destroyed CD. She is very mad at me. I wonder if she'll pay no attention to me for the next three days, then I can go on holiday! Will think of happy thoughts as she ignores me. Yay! Will write on wonderful holiday spot.

July 14 2003

Ha ha! She has ignored me! Tomorrow, if she continues to do so, I will be out of here! I have already made reservations for big fancy hotel (that I will be able to pay without even flinching with 50% pay increase!) in Madagascar. Rare potion ingredients there that are only sold and found there. And lots of studying goodies that I can use to make advanced Potion students to feel like first years! Hahaha!!

Drat. Miss Nikie says silent treatment is punishment for trying to destroy her CD. She has paid attention to me, I cannot go. Wah. She says I can go if I get her a really good birthday present and stay good.

She treats me like a child.

I wanna go! I wanna go! But noooo I tried to break her CD, so I can't go! Wait till I tell the Dark Lord about this! He'll come over and do bad things!! And I will laugh! And get fired from good paying job, but I will still laugh! Muahahaha! I wanna go to Madagascar! I wanna go NOW!

She says I am acting like a three year old.

That is appalling. Now that I look back at what I have recently wrote, I realize that I was just a little immature and the crack about the Dark Lord wasn't very bright. But she made me a little upset! Not fair! I thought this god-forsaken country was supposed to be fair.

Just realized that it would be hard for Muggle Country to be fair to someone who doesn't exist. I do exist, I do! Soooo not fair!

She says I'm acting like a melodramatic teenager.

I am not! But then she has just pointed out that myself hanging around them all the time, their actions are due to rub off a little on to me.

Glad to know she is on my side now, but not happy with her comparing me to those brats at Hogwarts.

Will glare at her.

Glare not working. She seems not to be noticing. She is too busy with making mashed potatoes. She has a very odd sense with making mashed potatoes. She adds ranch dressing and salts and pepper and margarine and chopped garlic.

NIKIE: This garlic isn't very strong...

Am daring her to eat a spoon full from small jar. She is doing so.

NIKIE: Not strong at all.

Psh. She shrugs and continues to make mashed potatoes. Considering this is part of my meal, I will judge the garlic so she doesn't put too much in. Hm...very weak garlic. I will make it a point to make Miss Nikie to inform her mother of this when she sees her this Friday. Nikie is not adding nearly enough garlic to the potatoes. Garlic is VERY good for you, and tasty too. She says that she expected me to like something as sharp and bitter as garlic. Don't know what she is hinting at. Will read into it, think she is insulting me.

Still not putting enough in. Dah! My wonderful sarcasm and glare is rubbing off on her and she is using it against me! She has just glared at me in a very cold and evil manner (a way that Lucius Malfoy and my father would be very proud of. Makes me sick, but still impressed by evil glare) and dumped almost all of garlic into potatoes.

Took garlic away from her sending evil and cold glare to her. Waiting for her to put potatoes in bowl so I can eat. Very hungry. Want food. Now. Will write later.

July 16, 2003

GAHH!! Self furious! Woke up with irremovable make up applied to my face and painted toenails! Never EVER sleeping again! And she gave me a PERM!!! My hair is like Granger's! It's poofy and curly and...GAHHHHH!!!

Household cat thinks my head is something to play with. Sulking on chair until charm wears off so I can bathe and rid myself of this disgusting mask. Very happy that Muggles can't see me. Cat is sitting on back of comfortable chair and batting my head. Stop laughing, NOT funny.

Very mad at Miss Nikie. When she comes home, she will be in big trouble!! Grr! Will ponder about what I should do to her.

3:15, when Nikie came home.

HAHAHA! Miss Nikie just came in door! Will lecture and yell and scream and more lecture!

Unless she is a very good liar (which I have no doubt about) she claims to have nothing to do with it, of course while trying to stifle laughter. Brat.

Apparently the cat had found my wand and was tossing it around and this happened. Miss Nikie is dying of laughter. Hopes she does die, not of laughter of course. That would mean she would have died happy at the moment. Hm...trying to think of ways to poison her food.

I know! I will poison the mashed potato box! Yes, very evil genius-like, I am.

Remembered that I cannot poison her, I have no poisons to do it with. Not happy. Will go bathe and remove ridiculous make up and hair curliness.

Psh. Brat says it's a good look on me. Is not. Well, maybe if I was a transvestite, but I am not. So therefore, it is not a good look on me. I prefer my make-up free, natural look, thank you very much.

Little git. She says that my natural look needs oil control. Does not. It's just an unfortunate side effect of being around potions all day. She says I haven't been around potions since June, I should have cleared up by now. She does not understand the ways of potion fumes. Will subtly leave potion books around for her to read and find out.

Have left a book out, she says to stop criticizing her about leaving her clutter around, and go behind her back and do so myself. Psh. Not taking subtle hint. Will make less subtle hint. Will disguise book as maths book and place it in her book bag. Maybe that will work. Muahahaha.

July 16, 2003.

She has come home, very mad at me. Don't know why. She says that she couldn't do her class work for maths because I left my potions book in her backpack.

Little git, should have borrowed book from classmate and make friends so I can go back to Hogwarts. She says that I owe her a VERY large birthday present.

I could get her a potions book. Ha ha! Very smart, self is!

Need to pamper Angelo. It is also four o'clock, time for tea.

Silly American family, not drinking tea at four o'clock like civilized English speaking folk do. At least they have tea. English tea, at that.

Will make self some after pampering Angelo.

Psh. Brat says I pamper Angelo too much and I need to give him space to breathe. Please, as if I don't know how to care for my own plant.

July 20, 2003

Angelo is drooping slightly. Miss Nikie says its because I pamper it too much. I do not. No such thing.

Ha ha! Very happy! Miss Nikie is slowly obsessing over Emma Watson! She found a picture of her and she claims that she is very pretty, and Tom Felton is in it, too. She claims he is looking as studly as ever. I have no opinion on this, with the exception that she needs to figure some things out. However, if she continues to obsess over those two people, she may stop obsessing over ME! That means I can go home! HAHAHA!

I asked her about this, she merely laughed in my face. I offered to send Granger. She said that would be too mean to poor Hermione, psh. As if making me stay here isn't mean.

She soon reminded me of 50% pay increase.

Maybe I can persuade her into looking for websites with more Emma Watson fan stuff. Ha ha.

She already has. She hasn't found anything very interesting. She says its because she's only been in three movies and they are all recent and she is only a new actress and no one knows her as an actor, but only as Hermione. That's no excuse! There's more websites on me and people only know me from books, and of course from that Alan Rickman fellow's performance of myself, but I haven't even been in any movies or anything along the lines of that. Why did I let Ms. Rowling put my character in her books? Why? Oh yes, so no one would think that Potter was the hero or let Potter Sr. get off as a good guy. Prat. Prat Jr and Prat sr.

Of course, I get off as the bad guy, and then a bunch of girls from age 12 - 69 fall in love with me. How did I manage that? How did that happen? I do nothing but try to REPEL women chasing me! It works rather well in the wizarding world, what's the difference between Muggle women and witches? One is talented with a magical stick, the other is not. Will investigate as soon in contact with Diagon Alley library... which may take a while.

Miss Nikie has strange eating habits. She was eating pesto sauce by the spoonful whilst lecturing me about dwelling on self's misery. As if she could talk. And I do not dwell in my misery. It's just easier to avoid people when they think you're an arrogant bastard.

Okay! Now she is waving around her spoon (flying pesto sauce) and saying that I need to fall in love and that many people agree. So the most I can do is humour her and find someone to sleep with. Hmm...would think that she being a feminist that she would not support myself turning into a womaniser.

Psh. She says that she is only telling me this because I will most likely find someone who is intelligent and that I can stand to be with for more than two minutes and I will fall hopelessly in love with her.

Will not. Will write later after proving this to her. Now where can I find a woman that I can stand for longer than two minutes? Miss Nikie suggests down town LA and pick up a prostitute, or New York. I will not sink down to that level, and I don't have any money.

July 23, 2003

It is getting dangerously close to the 27^th. A day for mourning. Miss Nikie's birthday. When the world officially declared that it is giving up on all hope by letting the likes of her to live through her birth.

Miss Nikie seems to think that I am her friend. She saw someone wearing a shirt that said: I have friends, you just can't see them. She smiled in a scary maniacal manner and looked at me. Then she laughed and patted my arm.

What makes her think that she has the power to even dare touch me? Even breathe on me? She is making me come to school with her for now on.

Drat. And I thought I was free for most of the day.

Right, she claims that I would enjoy it. Being around a bunch of kids from ages 13-19, just like home, so she claims. But these are American children; British children aren't nearly as loud and outspoken as these American prats. They don't even say sir, ma'am, and Professor. They need some proper manners beat into them.

Getting hit by brat. Don't understand what she has against me. She says that beatings are bad and violence isn't the answer. Hm. She obviously hasn't attended any Death Eater meetings.

...Wait! If violence isn't the answer, then why is she hitting me?! Little hypocrite! Will inform her of this!

Oh...she says there's an exception. You can hit someone lightly in a playful manner, but nothing really meant to hurt someone. Little brat, finding loopholes. She would make a good Death Eater. She has more logic, much to my pain to admit this, than the common Death Eater.

Of course, I don't support that cause anymore.

My affairs (physical and political) with Lucius Malfoy and the Dark Lord are now over.

.... although Lucius was a nice piece of...

Stop! I am NOT writing anything like THAT down! People could find this, and READ IT!

Memo to self: erase all hints of self's identity, such as name etc.

Will write later when done inspecting journal for proof of ownership.

July 27, 2003

Damn Muggles. Don't take Galleons or Sickles. Can't go to Wizard America, I don't know how to get there. Stupid Apparating license is suspended due to landing on a person last time. Can't get potions book about side effects. Hm...She is expecting some form of gift from me.

I'll give her a Slytherin scarf. I have a spare one and I have no use for it. I have a better scarf, it's thick and black and it has a charm that it is scratchy to anyone who isn't supposed to wear it and it's only soft to me. It's lovely and warm too.

Hm...I haven't seen my scarf lately either. Will write later after investigating Nikie's room for self's scarf.

August 1, 2003

Ha! HAHAHA! Found scarf under brat's bed! Psh! She claims she doesn't know how it got there. Hm...either she is madly in love with me (making vomiting sound. Mature, aren't I?) Or she just enjoys taking my things. Hm...Probably the second one. I don't know what I would do if girls I never heard of were madly in love with me...

Nikie: *laughing evilly* you need to look yourself up on the Internet, don't you?

What is she talking about...Hm... *typing name in search typing area, clicking search* ....................................................................................

Nikie: Snape is currently staring at the screen with his mouth open like a gaping idiot as he's clicking on links to see what fun stuff us fan girls have about him on the internet. Wonder if he'll find out about fan fic the hard way?

Ah!!! What is this? What's slash...? *Clicks on link that's entitled What Snape Took For Granted, A Love Story. *

Nikie: He is yet again gaping at the screen like a goldfish out of water. Tahahaha!

What... What is this?? Miss Nikie, I demand to know what they mean by

"Severus Snape was a strict man, an evil man, a cold man, but even Severus Snape had guilty pleasures. One of these guilty pleasures consists of taunting the poor Harry Potter. It wasn't because he didn't like the boy; it was just the only excuse he could think of to talk to his one true love. Of course, the boy didn't know about his crush, but Severus spent nights dreaming of a life with Harry Potter as a lover. But little did Severus know, Harry felt the same way..."

Nikie: It means that according to this fan fic writer, you are madly in love with Harry. Ha! Liars! I am sticking to my theory about you and Lucius...

Hold your tongue, you foul, disgusting beast! I can't believe this! My eyes are rotting within my sockets! How do you get rid of this? Ahh!

Nikie: Keep your hair on; you click the little x button in the corner.

Oh...*Clicks on little x button in corner. * Hopefully there is an INTELLIGENT one in here. Perhaps describing my intellect instead of my sexual habits...

Nikie: Snape has just clicked on a romance story about him and Lucius when they were young rabbits. Heh heh, rabbits get it? By calling them rabbits, I mean that they had a lot of ---

Silence! I will not allow you to waste my ink on rambling about possible affairs I had with that man!

Nikie: Possible! You mean--- *covering mouth and pointing accusingly with big scary smile across face* Sevvy and Lucy sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage! Well, that would be rather difficult...Then comes egg donor at the egg donor place.... Yah... *cough cough* Look, a distraction!

What are you talking about? I have come to the conclusion that all Muggles are mad and whether Nikie is a Muggle or not, she is mad as well. *Clicks little x button on Lucius and Snape love affair story with dignity. *

August 31, 2003

I'm SO very happy! Tomorrow I get to go back to Hogwarts! Yes! Freedom from nasty little brat!! YES!! *Does jig* You are aware of that I wouldn't do a jig in public, whether I am in Brat's parent's room typing on the computer or not, right? Good, because I didn't do a jig! Physically, at least. Mental jig. Get it now? Good.

Tomorrow's September 1^st! I have to get to England tonight! Of course, Nikie is drowning in her own tears. Who wouldn't miss me though? Oh drat, just remembered. Going back to Hogwarts means teaching Potter again. Dammit. I don't want to have to deal with Potter the Wonderful and his sidekick Weasley and their damsel in distress, Granger.

I am almost done packing, and soon I will be able to leave! Once and for all! Yes! No more Muggles! No more being invisible to the Muggle eye! YES YES YES! So very happy, can you tell?

Do you know what this means? No more Alan Rickman movies! No more Johnny Depp movies! No more being disgusted to "Fan fic" on the Internet, want to know why? Because there is NO Internet in the Wizarding world! HAHAHA!

Nikie: *sniffle* Here...

What is this? A signed picture, oh how sweet. *Snort*

Nikie: Its so you remember me when I come to Hogwarts, even if I am a little late...

I highly doubt I will see you at Hogwarts. Face it you're a Muggle! Now, allow me to enjoy my hours before freedom.

Hm...I can send her homework assignments if going to Hogwarts really means this much to her...Nah, that means extra grading. Hm...what to do first when getting back? MAKING POTIONS! Potions, yes...And with 50% pay increase, I can go on Potion ingredient shopping spree! Muahahaha! Cannot wait until I get to Hogwarts! Well, it is now time for me to retreat to the train station. I have my ticket and everything!!

Wait a minute...why is Miss Nikie cornering me? Hm...she seems to be really crying. Fine, I'll send her homework *mumble grumble* Wait a minute... Ah! She's HUGGING me!! Gyaaaahh!!! *Pushing Nikie away* Get off of me! Back, back you fiend!

Nikie: *sniffle* I made you some mashed potatoes...with garlic, like when I made mashed potatoes that one time...

Warm too. Will eat later.

On train that goes over seas...

Yes! I am gone! I am making my way back to England! Can't wait to see my dungeons again. Of course, it will take a little adjusting to after spending the past three months with Muggles. I'll live. And I'll have to get used to not being able to talk to teenagers with out risking them running away crying or looking at me like I've grown an extra head...I'll have to get used to eating whatever I wish instead of whatever she cooks...like cheese pasta with dill pickles and broccoli...or pesto and garlic sandwiches (until her mother yelled at her for eating all the expensive pesto sauce)...or mashed potatoes with different spices and garlic... And I won't be able to pet cats anymore with out stealing a student's cat... and I won't be able to make fun of random fan fics like Nikie and I did after I got over my fear of them...

And I won't be able to make fun of Americans for not drinking tea and actually have someone know what I'm talking about...

*Wipes tear from eye* God dammit, I think I miss the beast.