Mary-Sues Anonymous

"So, did you hear?"

"Hear what?"

Ginny Weasley giggled at Hermione Granger's unsure reply. "I can't believe you didn't hear."

"Ginny, please don't beat around the bush. I've got a load of Charms homework, and no time for guessing games." It certainly appeared that Hermione had a lot of homework: she had numerous library books piled atop her usual table in the Gryffindor common room, titles ranging from "Charms: When Pigs Really Can Fly" to "It's More Than Just Hearts, Stars, and Horseshoes!"

"Well, I heard these girls in the fourth year dorm talking about Lavender Brown. It turns out her Witch Wax went...awry..."

Hermione gave Ginny a suspicious eye. "Elaborate on 'awry'." A grin tugged at her attempted scowl.

Ginny burst excitedly. "Apparently she applied it all wrong, and now instead of smooth legs, they're all hairy! They said when Parvati took her to the hospital wing, Madame Pomfrey called her Hagrid!"

Hermione, trying her best not to laugh, replied swiftly. "That's mean."

"Um, yeah and so is Lavender. I personally think it's hilarious."

Not looking up from her schoolwork, Hermione sighed and let herself smile. "Ah, the price of a so-called 'painless wax'. As if."

Ginny returned the smile. "Now you're talking. So...where're Harry and Ron?"

"Somewhere," Hermione answered vaguely. "Are you looking for them?"

"No. Well, I guess so. I have nothing else to do. It's not like you're doing anything fun I can join in on."

Hermione looked up at Ginny sternly. "I'm doing schoolwork. Which is very fun, I assure you." Ginny rolled her eyes. "Anyway," Hermione continued, pretending she hadn't noticed. "If you're looking for them, you might want to try the Quidditch pitch. Now that Wood's gone, Harry'll be hosting try-outs, and Ron wants to be Keeper pretty badly, so Harry's been out practicing with him before the try-outs take place. You know, so Ron doesn't completely embarrass himself."

Ginny chuckled softly. "He's not all that bad."

"Uh-huh."

[*]

"I'm late, I'm late!" Camille bounced about her orderly dormitory at Salem Academy of Magic, collecting everything that was hers. Once her trunk was satisfyingly full, she did a recap. "Wand: check. Clothes: check. Parchment, quills, ink: check."

"Camille, you're crazy," breathed her roommate Marlene, walking into the room and looking bored.

"Why?" asked Camille absent-mindedly, continuing her review. "Socks: check. WWN set: check. Robes...wait...where are my robes?!" She began frantically searching the room.

"Camille, you're wearing them," Marlene scoffed, folding her arms and leaning up against the frame of her metal four-poster. "Which answers your question. You're obviously crazy."

Camille blushed and looked down at the new Hogwarts robes she was wearing. "Oh, there they are. I guess I'm just paranoid. They're so new...and if I lost them, I dunno if I could get another set."

"I can't believe you're leaving. You're so lucky."

"Why am I lucky?" Camille asked modestly.

"Um, let's see: you're smart, you're pretty, and you're getting out of this dump."

"S.A.M.'s not all that bad. They say it's the best school for magic in North America."

"Yeah, but Hogwarts is the best in the world. And you're the first exchange student to go there in, like, the history of the universe."

"You make it sound like I'm perfect or something," Camille jokingly swished her blonde hair around like a model in a shampoo commercial. "You're too kind."

Marlene laughed and tossed her own, curly, brown hair over her shoulder, walking up to Camille to hug her. "I'll miss you, you know."

"I'll miss you, too," Camille rejoined, returning the hug. "I'll write all the time, I swear. And Mr. Tuftington is very reliable." She gestured to her sparkly-eyed barn owl, hooting merrily in his cage. Marlene laughed sadly and pet him through the cage wire.

"I'll miss this little guy as well. Will you miss Mrs. Tuftington?" Marlene brought over her own pet, a female elf owl, and put their cages side by side.

"I will miss her like nothing I've ever missed before," Camille assured her, giving Mrs. Tuftington air kisses.

Marlene fought back tears and gave her friend one last, long hug. "Well, if you've got everything you need, you should probably meet Professor Melling in his office. How are you traveling?"

"Portkey."

"Okay," Marlene sighed, brushing a tear from one of her dark eyes and squeezing her friend tighter into the embrace. "You better have fun in Britain, or I'll send you a howler with Mrs. Tuftington!" The two laughed and finally parted from the hug.

Camille gathered up her trunk and owl cage and made for the door with a watery smile. "I'll have fun, I swear."

[*]

Camille sat in S.A.M.'s headmaster's office, listening to Professor Melling give her a parting speech. The office was painted with violent shades of blue and purple, with the classic star-and-moon trim, and a large S.A.M. emblem on the wall facing her. Her seat was directly in front of the headmaster's desk, which was mahogany and absolutely huge. Professor Melling sat at it, his large wizard hat looking disproportionate to his spindly body. "One last reminder: you were chosen as an exchange student not only because of your outstanding grades, but also because of your wonderful behavior. Don't give it up just because you're in a different country.

"Hogwarts will not be a party, so don't act like it. I want you to set a good example for not just Salem Academy of Magic, but for the United States, as well. Can I trust you?" He smiled down at Camille warmly.

"Yes, you can, Professor."

"I thought so." He then gestured to a battered jacket with a rusty zipper. "This is your portkey. It will take you into the Hogwarts Entrance Hall, where Headmaster Dumbledore will be waiting for you. Do remember all of my instructions?" Camille nodded. "And keep in mind that I will be getting a monthly report on how things are going," Melling added. Then his smile returned. "I'm very proud of you."

"Thank you, Professor."

"Well, I suppose this is goodbye."

"Goodbye." Camille braced herself, and, grasping her trunk and owl cage as firmly as she could with one hand, picked up the battered jacket with the other.

[*]

Harry and Ron returned to the common room shortly after Hermione and Ginny's conversation, sweaty and wet.

"Got caught in the rain?" asked Hermione, still working at her table. "I told you we were getting a thunderstorm today."

"Whatever," Ron said indifferently, dropping down heavily upon a squashy armchair. "I'm too spent to practice anymore today, anyway. I think I'm in more pain than Lavender Brown's hairy legs."

Ginny laughed heartily. "Now that, Hermione, was mean."

Ron kept speaking, sounding sleepy. "If I even look at another quaffle, I think I might faint."

"Ron, we weren't even working with a real quaffle," Harry pointed out. "It was just a big ball of red yarn."

Ron replied only with a snore.

"Anyway," Harry continued. "How's the homework going, Hermione?"

"Pretty well," Hermione rejoined.

"You know, mine only took me about ten minutes. Are you sure you're not getting too in-depth?" He ruffled his wet hair absent-mindedly.

"Well, you know me. I like getting in-depth."

Ginny laughed; looking up from a book she'd begun reading out of boredom. "More like you're just a nerd. Only joking," she added when Hermione sent her what sounded like a doggish growl.

Harry put a hand hesitantly on Hermione's shoulder. "I know this might sound like a dumb question, but, do you want some help?"

Hermione smiled up at him. "No, I'm okay."

"Alright." And with that, Harry went up to the boys' dorm to change out of his soaking robes.

"Call me crazy, but I think he fancies you," Ginny said once Harry was safely out of earshot.

"Really?" Hermione replied, maybe a bit too eagerly.

Ginny grinned ambiguously. Hermione laughed nervously.

[*]

Camille was whirling about. God, portkeys always made her so nauseous, why couldn't Professor Melling just apparate with her over to Hogwarts? Sure, she wouldn't be apparating on her own for another year, but she had apparated with her dad a load of times, and she was quite used to it. Oh, yeah. Hogwarts had that stupid anti-apparation spell on it. Those crazy Brits, she thought. They're also the ones who call making out "snogging". With a painful jolt, Camille found herself thrown upon a marble floor.

"Ouch!" she cried out on arrival, feeling her knees bruise as she fell, her trunk crashing down next to her, sending Mr. Tuftington flying across the room in his cage, hooting with terror. Camille looked up to see a man she recognized from her history book--Albus Dumbledore. His light blue eyes sparkled brightly behind his half-moon spectacles just like they did on the book pages.

"You must be Camille Bridges. I am Albus Dumbledore," he greeted softly, reaching his hand out to help her up.

"Hello," Camille answered, trying to subtly rub her aching knees as she picked up Mr. Tuftington's cage.

"I see you've been wounded by the floor," Dumbledore observed. "It's a beautiful thing, marble, but it can be very nasty when you lose your balance." With a flick of his wand, Camille felt her body relax, her bruises healed.

"Thanks," she said gratefully. She grabbed her trunk eagerly. "So...which dorm am I in?"

"Your headmaster, Professor Melling, and I have agreed to put you into Gryffindor. It matched up closest with the house you were in back at Salem Academy," he began to walk up a staircase, equally marble as the floor.

"I-is that where we're going now?" Camille asked timidly.

"Yes," Dumbledore smiled. "To Gryffindor Tower. Then you can go up to the girls' dormitory and settle your trunk in, and when you're done I will assign one of your new housemates to give you a castle tour. I would do it myself, but I'm quite a busy man, even on Sundays like today."

"Okay," replied Camille, and together they adjourned up the staircase.

[*]

When Harry came back down to the common room in dryer attire, he was relieved to see that Hermione was finally finished with her homework.

"Who's up for a game of Wizard Chess?" he asked her and Ginny in a mockingly-enthusiastic voice.

"Not me," Ginny retorted dryly. "When you live with Ron, Wizard Chess gets old rather quickly. I think I'll just stick to my book." She flashed the cover in Harry's direction. It was entitled, "The Centaur & I: A Romance."

"Okay, then Hermione. You know you want to..." he gave her a winning smile.

"Fine," Hermione rejoined, trying not to sound excited. It wasn't working. Harry had set the board up with all the pieces (he was on the white side and Hermione was on the black) when the portrait hole opened up, and none other than Dumbledore entered, with a guest.

"Hello, my fine Gryffindors!" he said merrily, though the only ones in the room were Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and a sleeping Ron. "I would like to introduce you to your new 5^th year classmate." He gestured over to the guest. She was a very nice sight: she had long, honey-blonde hair and eyes such a violent shade of blue they looked as if they'd been picked from a crayon box. She was compact and her new robes looked nice on her.

"Hi," she said quietly, shyly hiding behind a sheet of her thick, straight hair. "I'm Ca-Camille Bridges."

"Actually, it's just Camille," Dumbledore added, chuckling warmly at his own wit. "Hermione; why don't you take Camille up to the 5^th year girls' dormitory and help her put her things away? There is a spare four-poster waiting for her."

Hermione obeyed meekly and showed Camille up the spiral staircase.

Dumbledore stopped them before they went too far up. "After she's done settling in, please show her around the castle, Hermione, if you're not too busy. I trust you'll introduce her to everyone, as well. I really must be off now." Then he left.

When they reached the girls' dormitory, Hermione tried to make small talk.

"So...you're American?"

"Yes."

"What school are you from?"

"S-Salem Academy."

"Where's that?"

"Massachusetts."

"I think you'll like it here."

Silence.

"There's a lot to do, you know: Quidditch, Hogsmeade trips, exploring. Hogwarts is very interesting."

Camille smiled. "D-Do you mind if I quickly write a letter to a friend back in America? I promised I'd write. I swear I won't t-take long."

"Go ahead," Hermione said kindly.

Camille quickly took out a quill and some parchment and scribbled down a short letter.

Dear Marlene,

I just arrived at Hogwarts. The headmaster seems kind of insane, but the castle is beautiful. Headmaster Dumbledore is the only guy I've met so far (if he counts! Ha-ha), but I have met a girl named Hermione. Weird name, huh? Her hair's really bushy. She seems nice, though. But she'll never be as great roommate as you.

I'll tell you if I meet any hot British boys.

Gotta go.

Miss you,

Camille