Dear Rupert Grint

Dear Rupert Grint,

It is I, the one and only (even know you try to impersonate me) RON WEASLEY! Yes, I know. To you, I am just a fictional character, a figment of a blonde's imagination, but no, my red-headed look-a-like! I AM REAL! I sound like Chinpopio, don't I? Was that his name? I don't know. I don't take Muggle studies--not that I really want to, either.

Anyway...

I have watched the Harry Potter movies, after becoming aware of your impersonating me. I must say, you act very well. And the Gilderoy Lockhart BUM from movie two--well, let's just say... well... I just don't want to see Lockhart ever, ever again.

Ever.

I have talked to Hermione. I told her about my finding out about you and she just nodded and walked away, apparently under the impression that I was a crazy git. I might be, I don't know. After hanging around Dumbledore for so long, I don't really know if I'm still sane or not. I could be crazy, I have no idea. Somebody will have to answer that one, I guess.

Harry also thinks I am crazy. I think it's quite rich, coming from him. I mean, he has such a befuzzled mind--I'm not entirely sure that all the bricks are still in his house, if you know what I mean. Of course you know what I mean. Well, you should atleast. I'm not about to go and explain myself, so if you don't get it, you better just figure it out.

I've also seen Professor McGonagall in the movies. My LORD she is old! I mean, really, really old! She looks like a dinosaur! She's so wrinkly! Has she not heard of makeup? It works wonders, really. It's great thing. Ginny uses so much of it, I should know. She also used some on me when some Slytherin cursed me so I looked liked I was fifty for a week. It covered up everything. I was very grateful, you know. Never been more thankful of makeup ever before in my life. But the point is that Professor McGonagall should think about getting some Muggle makeup and fixing herself--she needs it, trust me.

Though, I have another bone to pick with you. I know Professor McGonagall looks old, but in your movies, you portray Albus Dumbledore to look like some wrinkly old house-elf! Well, in real-life he is, but HE, unlike SOME OTHER PROFESSORS, have discovered the wondered of makeup. And bling. He has discovered bling, too. I don't know if there is a moment anymore that I see Albus Dumbledore without his big, gigantic, blingful necklaces. Dollar signs, mostly, but they are still wonderful.

Something else that has been going through my mind of late is this: Hermione Granger. You see, in this world, Hermione has the bushiest hair in the world. In the latest movie, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, she had a short little hair-do that is CURLED. It isn't bushy. Not at all. It's gorgeous. Abso-bloody-lutely gorgeous. I'm not saying that Hermione isn't gorgeous, because trust me, she is, but this Emma Watson lady has obviously had her hair done. I have a problem with that. You see, if you are going to play around with our world, you might want to do it right. I have enclosed several photos of Hermione Granger for you, for reference and the sorts, for you to look through. You might want to take note, because trust me, once November 18th rolls around, I will be looking at hair-dos.

Your portraying of me, though, is very well. I still don't like spiders, but you've covered that very well :). You give my hair a very nice shine to it, something that not many people can pull off. I just want to hug you for it, by the way. But, just a note, I think your hair is turning a bit brown. You might want to change that, just a suggestion.

Another thing I would like to talk about with you is Harry. In your movies you play him out in this overly eccentric game of angst, drama, and whining. It gets annoying after a while. Well, I guess you don't nessicarily play him, this Dan guy does, but is that the point? No. It is not the point.

Movie three was done fairly well, I'll add. Although, I think whoever wrote the--what is it you people call it?--script, yes, that's the word I'm looking for--anyway, whoever wrote the script left out a lot of crucial details. For one thing, if I hadn't experienced the whole thing myself, I wouldn't have known what half of the stuff was about! At the beginning, just what exactly did this Dan chap want signed? What sort of people wrote the Marauder's Map? When did Hagrid have a second room added to his hut? These are all questions that I think you owe to your fans to answer. So answer them. Pass the word along to your fellow Potter-Impersonators.

I'm not one to whine much, you must know. I'm a bit picky as you've probably figured out. And if you are a smart boy you will not pass this on to be as some sort of fanatic trying to have the sense that something he wrote got into the ACTUAL home of the ACTUAL guy who plays in THE AWESOME-BUT-FICTIONAL (not really, you fools!) movie of HARRY POTTER. Another thing, why are these movies based on Harry? Why not me? Ronald Weasley and the Philosopher's Stone. I did save all their rears in that chess match. If it weren't for my skills, we'd never have won. Do you have even the slightest idea at how bad they both are at chess? I get all pitying for them whenever we play together.

Anyway, I've gotten off of subject. The moving pictures should be proof enough that I'm not a fake. Because, come on, I know you all think that your world is "advanced" and all, but to be frank, you haven't the slightest idea of what we have. We could so take you on whenever it came to a battle-of-who-has-the-upper-hand. In a heartbeat. So pass it on to the other Potter-Imperonators. Besides, what owls have you ever seen that could do what Pig is doing? And don't you say the animal trainers--they said it themselves. The "real" owls couldn't fly a letter across a street even if the state of mankind depended upon it.

This is where my letter ends. Pig will stick around long enough for you to write a reply to my letter. You had better do it, too. Pig is annoying--do you really want to deal with him the rest of your life?

Sincerely,

Ron B. Weasley