A Reflection of Himself

Everything had started innocently enough earlier that evening... well, as innocently as things usually occurred between Severus and the Marauders. He had been spying on them yet again, looking for a reason to get them expelled... or at the very least in trouble. They were always causing trouble, that he knew, but they always seemed to suffer nothing worse than a mere detention or a few house points deducted for their purposeful misconduct. Although Severus would never admit it, he was jealous of them in a way. They were all such close friends, and there were times where he swore he would give an arm to have friendship like that in his life.

Oh, sure, he had his fellow classmates who others may have called his friends, but they were hardly that. One of the first things Severus had learned by being placed into Slytherin that he could trust no one, especially in his own house. The cunning nature of a Slytherin meant doing whatever was necessary to achieve the desired ends, even if that meant sacrificing a friendship. One thing that Severus knew made him an oddity in this house was that betraying a friend was going too far. He knew he was a lot of unpleasant, not-so-nice things, but he did not believe himself to be a traitor.

The only friend he had to betray was Lily Evans, anyway.

He felt a pang of worry begin to surface inside. Surely she would know by morning. No doubt Potter would tell her everything, from his point of view, of course... about how he had heroically saved that loser Snape's pathetic excuse for a life.

Because Severus knew he had been out of bounds that day. He had always had his suspicions as to why Lupin wasn't present in class for a couple of days on a monthly basis. Black got word of this and apparently thought it would be a very hilarious prank indeed to show Severus were Lupin went during those days of the month. Some prank. What kind of prank results in someone almost losing his life? But Dumbledore didn't think of this "prank" as anything more than just that... a prank.

Dumbledore hadn't been there when a snarling, bloodthirsty, untamed werewolf was suddenly directly in his face, practically devouring him already. Severus had been scared beyond reason in that horrifying moment and found his feet frozen to the ground. He remembered feeling a hand yanking frantically on his arm, roughly pulling him away from the beast. Somehow, Potter had gotten him away from the scene just in time. He recalled gazing at Potter, shocked in the aftermath, but had felt the anger begin to well up inside him the moment Potter had dared to speak.

"What d'you think you were playing at back there, Snape? Couldn't keep your big nose outta other people's business, eh? Now look where it's gotten you - almost killed!"

Severus had recoiled from Potter and had sent him a loathsome glare. "Wait until Dumbledore finds out what you've all been hiding! You'll be expelled for sure, and it would be about time, too! I bet Black had a merry time tonight, what with nearly getting me killed and all!"

"It was supposed to be a joke!" Potter had protested vehemently. "Even I thought he'd gone too far, and as much as a git you are, even you don't deserve to be put in that type of danger."

Severus had then rolled his eyes. "Do you expect me to believe you for one moment?" he had asked sarcastically. "You were saving your own skin as much as mine. You just don't want to face the fact that you might very well be expelled now!"

"We'll see about that, Snape!" Potter had yelled, roughly shoving him aside.

Severus had been in hot pursuit of Potter all the way to the Headmaster's office. There, they had argued their case in front of Dumbledore, and Severus had thought his jaw would break from the way his mouth was left gaping open when all the old man did in way of punishment was tell Potter that he and Black would be receiving detention for a week. Potter had been sent away, and Severus could still now hear Dumbledore's words of warning ringing through his ears:

"I am only going to warn you this once, Mr. Snape. You should not meddle in things that are not of your concern. I have been well aware of Mr. Lupin's condition ever since he began attending this school, and his friends have been faithful and true and kept his secret safe. I trust you will not tell anyone what you have seen, lest you put Mr. Lupin in jeopardy. Werewolves are not easily accepted by the majority of wizarding society, but here, I believe everyone should be given an equal chance. You are to return to your dormitory immediately if you have no wounds that need treatment. In the future, I expect better behavior on your part."

Severus now wondered what Dumbledore was playing at. He had the nerve to say that everyone was to be treated equally, and yet, Severus felt on numerous occasions that Slytherin was trampled on and neglected by the Headmaster. He felt that Dumbledore turned a blind eye to the behavior of the Marauders and the Gryffindors in general. It was true that Severus had not received detention, but Dumbledore's words had stung. They still did.

When his mind grew numb from mulling over that evening's events, Severus sighed heavily and finally returned to his dormitory room and surrendered to sleep.

The next day began as usual, with most people simply ignoring him as he walked through the corridors and sat in class. During Double Potions that afternoon, though, Severus noticed that Lily never looked in his direction once. When his concentration began to waver, for he had been staring in her direction far too often, his potion boiled over, and the teacher reprimanded him, deducting house points from Slytherin. Severus knew he heard sniggering in the direction where the Marauders were always seated. He felt his temper flare, but managed to keep himself calm enough until class was over.

Wanting nothing to do with those whose supposed prank had almost resulted in his death, Severus darted out of the room. He spent dinner just as he had breakfast and lunch: alone. Finally, seeking out the quietude of the library, he entered the silent haven and took a seat in his usual place to study. After a little while, he got the distinct impression that someone was watching him, and so, glancing up cautiously from his book, he noticed Lily seated not too far away. The moment his black eyes met her green eyes, though, she quickly diverted hers and pretended she was busy reading. Severus wasn't fooled for a second.

He closed his book and stood up. If there was one person whose opinion mattered, it was Lily's. They had been friends for a long time by now and had even started becoming more than that. He thought he even loved her, and so, he knew he would have to talk to her about last night's incident.

"Hello, Lily," he said neutrally.

Lily looked up from her book, with a blank expression on her pretty face. She appeared closed. "Hi," she replied off-handedly, like she was merely greeting a stranger.

With raised eyebrows, Lily asked, as if surprised he was even speaking to her, "Yes?"

He was growing ever more impatient. He had had enough of everybody's games for one day. "Don't act like you don't know!" he exclaimed angrily.

"Oh, yes, Severus... I know plenty well. You simply had to go snooping around, didn't you? There are some things you really don't have a right to know, and whether you like it or not, Remus and I are friends. I might not get on well with the others in their little circle, but Remus is a good person, and he deserved for his secret to remain a secret."

"So... so... all this time? You... you knew?" he stuttered, unable to believe she would keep such a thing from him. He thought they shared everything.

"Yes, I knew," Lily replied curtly, "and, like I said, it was none of your concern, Severus. You're just lucky James was there to save your life. Why would you do something so incredibly stupid, to almost get yourself killed?"

"I didn't know I could have gotten killed!" he exploded, standing up and beginning to pace. "Do you think for one second that I would have gone into that tunnel had I known I could have died?! If you've known the truth about that- that monster, that beast all this time, you could have told me and saved me a lot of trouble, and then I wouldn't have risked my life in the process of trying to find out the truth about that-!"

Lily lost her temper by now as well and was standing, staring at Severus in disbelief. "Don't call him such horrible names! What's he ever done to you?"

"Maybe he's done nothing to me directly," Severus blared hotly, "but his friends certainly have! He's certainly done nothing to stop them!"

"And your attitude doesn't help matters any! Many times, Severus, you're just a guilty as they are in all these escapades, but I've defended you all these years, and-"

"Then stop trying to fend for me!" he roared, towering over her. "If Lupin means so much to you, why don't you just go find him and tell him how much you need him? I don't need you, that's for sure, not if you're this type of friend! Ha!" he laughed bitterly. "Some friend! I don't need anybody, and I most certainly don't need you, Evans!"

Lily was speechless. Throughout the years, she had been witness to many of Severus's tirades, but his words now stung unlike anything she had even heard from him. Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled over, flowing down her cheeks. With a shaky hand, she reached out to touch his shoulder, saying desperately, quietly, "Severus... surely... surely you don't mean that?"

For a long time, he didn't look into her eyes, but when he did, she gasped. His eyes were so incredibly cold, and his words were like icy daggers penetrating straight through her chest, killing her heart.

"I meant every word," he said with such finality that she was left to pick up the pieces, but their friendship was beyond repair. He turned and left, and from that day forward, Lily and Severus were no longer friends. He no longer could say that he hadn't betrayed a friend.

For some time after that day, Lily found herself inevitably growing closer to Lupin, but with a heavy heart, Lupin had to eventually tell her that things wouldn't work out between them. He always feared his condition would put any lady in too much danger. Finally, in their seventh year, Lily surrendered herself to James, realizing that he had grown up. The rest was history.