A Reflection of Himself

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Harry's sleep was restless that night. While the other boys slept peacefully and soundly in their beds in the dormitory, Harry tossed and turned, rolling from his right side to his back and then to his left side and then back on his right. He had lain in his four-poster for close to two hours before falling asleep, but it was difficult to stay asleep for more than an hour.

Now poor Harry found himself awake in the early hours of the morning when the world was covered in complete darkness. He rubbed at his eyes furiously and sat up, reaching for his glasses. Although it was spring, the nights were still on the cold side, but he slipped his feet into his slippers and sauntered over to the nearest window, where he sat down on the ledge and peered out over the quiet grounds. The sky was overcast with clouds, and Harry idly wondered if it would start to rain soon.

His insides roiled in anguish, for Harry found himself unable to find peace. He wanted - no, needed - to know what Snape had found out at the Death Eater meeting, but the Potions Master had been too stubborn to tell him. Harry scowled at the unfairness of being kept in the dark on matters that he felt he had the right to know before most people, with perhaps the exception of Albus Dumbledore. He recalled Snape telling him that he would find out soon enough at the Order meeting, which was to be held tonight, but that thought didn't quell Harry's apprehension.

At times, he still felt the anger he had last year when he had thought Sirius was gone forever. He was mad at himself more than anything at the time, his own guilt practically eating him alive, but he had blamed everyone else at the time. The pain, the realization, the responsibility, the burden that he had to carry as the rest of the world's savior was too much, especially for one so young. He hadn't asked for it. He didn't want it.

But he had no choice.

And so, as the end to another school year approached, Harry found himself wondering by what means Voldemort would wreak havoc upon innocents, and all he wanted to do was scream.

He didn't want to be special, not if this was the price he had to pay.

Harry arrived at Number 12, Grimmauld Place with Lupin and Sirius's portrait. Sirius grimaced upon seeing the house he grew up in, but at least some good had come out of its existence. It was a safe and secure place to hold Order meetings, and as Sirius had pointed out nearly two years ago, it was something useful he could do for the Order. Every time he was brought back there, though, feelings of being locked up like an animal in a cage came back to haunt him. It was nearly as bad as it had been in Azkaban, and that was saying something.

Harry sat down at the kitchen table, which was covered with a thick layer of dust. The place was not kept up, unfortunately, but there was no one to look after it. Certainly the members of the Order of the Phoenix had more important things in their agenda than making sure their headquarters were kept clean.

Meanwhile, Lupin was scrounging around the kitchen cupboards for some tea.

"D'you have any tea in this old place, Padfoot?" Lupin inquired with a slight smirk.

"How should I know?" Sirius replied. "I don't exactly live here anymore... thank Merlin for that."

Lupin chuckled at Sirius's sarcasm and then said, "Aha! Here we go!"

Lupin removed a tin from one of the cabinets and took out a tea bag. He knew where the kettle and cups were kept and so continued to quietly prepare a pot of tea.

"Perhaps you should look into serving up some brandy instead," came the voice of Albus Dumbledore as he entered the room. There was a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eyes, but everyone knew the underlying reasoning for his remark. This was bound to be one long, stressful meeting.

"Ah, that would prove a good idea if I've ever heard one, Albus," Lupin replied. "It's a shame that all the hard liquor was already used up a while ago." Here, Lupin cast a wry grin in Sirius's direction.

"Well, when a man has nothing else to do, drinking himself to a stupor is oftentimes to best choice," Sirius said defensively, although there was some humor in his tone.

Other Order members filled the room, and as Harry glanced around, he was surprised that Snape had not yet arrived. Of anything he would hear tonight, Harry was most anxious to hear Snape's report on the Death Eater meeting from the night before, and then, just as the kettle finished, Snape strode into the room, his eyes cast downward and his gaze held straight in front of him. Harry watched him as he took a seat in the corner of the room that was clearly away from the others. This behavior was nothing new, but Harry got the distinct impression that Snape was in an even more bitter mood than was usual for him.

Once everyone had arrived and settled in, Dumbledore began the meeting by giving a quick welcome, but all the while, his face was grave and focused. Then, he finally alluded to what Harry wanted to know the most.

"There was a Death Eater meeting last night," Dumbledore explained, "and as you will all find out further from Severus's report, the threat of Voldemort grows ever stronger."

Several individuals in the room visibly cringed upon hearing Voldemort's name, but Dumbledore was not afraid to use it, and use it he would, despite whatever discomfort it caused those around him. As Harry glanced around the room filled with Order members, he wondered how and why so many of them were so fearful of the name itself. After all, Dumbledore had told Harry back in his first year at Hogwarts that fear of the name only increased fear of the thing itself. People had valid reason to fear Voldemort, but something inside Harry churned upon noticing that this very fear penetrated even the members of the honorable and valiant Order of the Phoenix. If there were people in the Order who feared the Dark Lord, then what did that say about the rest of the wizarding world?

Upon brief reflection, Harry realized that the only other people who had ever spoken Voldemort's name were Sirius and Lupin... and later on Hermione. When he directed his attention back to the goings-on in the room, Snape had just started giving his report.

"There have been new recruits, several sons of older Death Eaters, and many of which are current students at Hogwarts," Snape told the room at large. "You can all clearly see how this increases the danger. Although the students are unable to do any sort of harm within the grounds of Hogwarts, there is still an increased risk, I believe, to how this may affect other students, and the Dark Lord has clearly charged his new recruits with bringing down Harry Potter."

As Snape said Harry's name, his dark eyes met Harry's for a moment, but then he quickly diverted them. Harry wasn't sure what emotion he saw in Snape's practically unreadable eyes.

Then, of course, the silence ended, and questions were issued forth simultaneously all around the room. Much to Dumbledore's dismay, he found out that Snape was not the only Order member who objected to allowing the new Death Eaters to remain at Hogwarts as students. They all thought it too risky a price to pay, but Dumbledore had his mind already made up.

"If we push them away, then they will have even less of a chance at seeing the wrong of their ways," he patiently explained. "I believe that there is still hope. Hogwarts is filled with some of the most brilliant minds in Britain, and it is our duty to ensure that this new generation is being guided in the right direction. If we give up on them, who will they have to turn to but Voldemort?"

Again, cringes, but also silence.

There were several reluctant nods, but apparently, this still wasn't convincing enough for Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody. The ex-Auror stood up on his one real leg and his one wooden leg and hobbled over to Dumbledore, clunking across the old floorboards. As he glared quizzically at Dumbledore, Moody's magical eye moved about uncontrollably, while he kept his other one focused firmly on the Headmaster of Hogwarts. His grizzled, grey hair seemed to be standing on end, and every scar and line on his face stood out in horrific relief in the lighting.

"Albus," he growled, "you cannot be serious."

"On the contrary, Alastor," Dumbledore replied calmly, "I am quite serious."

"And what will you be doing to ensure that the rest of the students are actually kept safe from these Death Eaters?" he inquired suspiciously.

"I have already told you all that the wards surrounding Hogwarts prevent the students from doing any sort of dire harm to each other. I will be strengthening the wards around Hogwarts as well. The only time these students will be allowed off-grounds is when they are being summoned."

"Why not keep them within the grounds at all times, including during a summons?"

"Because," Snape interjected, standing up and walking over to Moody and rolling back his sleeve to reveal the presently reddish-colored Dark Mark, "when the Dark Lord calls his followers, he expects them to respond. When this mark burns black, it burns relentlessly until the follower replies to the call and makes an appearance in front of the Dark Lord. Failure to do so would only increase the pain caused by the Dark Mark. It is his means of controlling those who vowed their servitude and their lives to him, and if they do not follow his command, they will very easily be driven insane by the excruciating pain that would eventually come forth from the Dark Lord... perhaps even perish. No one can deny him."

Moody's magical eye was whirling non-stop out of control as Snape stood there, revealing the Dark Mark that he had taken. Harry had seen Snape show the Mark only once before, and that had been in front of Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic, at the end of Harry's fourth year when Voldemort had fully returned to power.

With a grunt, Moody curtly nodded and sat back down without another word.

Snape followed Moody's motions, and then Dumbledore said, "Now, let us move on to discussing how we plan to increase the protection..."

Dumbledore's voice droned on as Harry's concentration left the room. He was wondering what had happened to Snape that very night Voldemort had returned to power. He didn't think that Snape had been among the Death Eaters who had stood in the circle around the Dark Lord, but Voldemort had not mentioned all the names aloud of those present, and Harry knew that even if Snape had been there, he would not have been able to do anything to help Harry. Harry remembered Snape's words to Fudge in Dumbledore's office that night as if they had been spoken yesterday:

"There. There. The Dark Mark. It is not as clear as it was an hour or so ago, when it burned black, but you can still see it. Every Death Eater had the sign burned into him by the Dark Lord. It was a means of distinguishing one another, and his means of summoning us to him. When he touched to Mark of any Death Eater, we were to Disapparate, and Apparate, instantly, at his side. This Mark has been growing clearer all year. Karkaroff's too. Why do you think Karkaroff fled tonight? We both felt the Mark burn. We both knew he had returned. Karkaroff fears the Dark Lord's vengeance. He betrayed too many of his fellow Death Eaters to be sure of a welcome back into the fold."

Harry had never heard anything of Karkaroff since then and since had assumed he was dead, and according to what Snape had said this evening, Karkaroff very easily could have been driven into insanity by the burning of the Mark and then died. From the way Dumbledore had asked Snape if he was ready to do what he had to do that night of Voldemort's return, and from Snape's short, simple response of "I am," Harry had a strong idea that Snape was returning to Voldemort, though to spy on him, of course, but his return had been delayed. Was Snape the cowardly Death Eater who Voldemort said would pay? Harry truly thought so. But how did he pay?

Harry knew that Snape would never tell him such details, and Harry was not sure he even wanted to know. In the midst of Harry's wandering mind, Dumbledore announced the end of the meeting, which finally brought Harry back to reality.

Seeing the glazed-over look in Harry's eyes, Lupin leaned over toward him and asked quietly with some concern in his voice, "Harry, are you all right?"

"Huh?" Harry mumbled, blinking a couple of times. "Er... yeah. I'm fine, Remus; it's just that, well, there's a lot of stuff going on, and finding out now about Malfoy and those other new Death Eaters doesn't exactly sit well with me, you know?"

Nodding solemnly, Lupin replied, "Well, I'm afraid what's done is done, Harry. You and I both know that Dumbledore will do everything within his power to ensure the safety of the students at Hogwarts, but I fear to say that it was more or less inevitable that many of the Slytherins would join Voldemort's ranks."

Harry frowned and grumbled, "I know, but that doesn't change how I feel. I think Dumbledore's got too much hope for them. The only person who ever overcame his decision to become a Death Eater was Snape."

Harry and Lupin didn't know it, but Snape had walked silently past them right as Harry said that last part. A part of him wanted to stop and listen to the rest of their conversation, but another part of him tugged him along, pulling him away from the presence of the others and to the front door, where, once he was outside, he apparated to the edge of the Forbidden Forest that was just outside the boundaries of Hogwarts' grounds.

Nightfall had fallen some hours ago, and as he made his way back to the castle, Snape thought with some disbelief how strange it felt for Harry Potter to finally have believed that he really had realized the wrong of his actions and changed sides. There were many people who still weren't convicted several years later, and as Snape entered through the front doors, he wondered with some chagrin why Harry's opinion of him mattered. It hadn't always, but apparently, something had changed.

No one could ever accuse Snape of being a nice man, for he was definitely tainted from his past and overall a bitter person whose outlook on life was oftentimes dire. He liked his quiet chambers and revelled in silence and enjoyed keeping to himself, and his harsh demeanor toward students clearly showed that he tolerated little below what he considered acceptable performance in class. However, he was still a good man in spite of all that.