A Reflection of Himself

Lupin left the Great Hall that Sunday morning after having had a rather revealing and unexpected conversation with Snape. Shaking his head as he walked back to his rooms, Lupin sighed deeply, for he was certainly shocked that Snape had opened up as much as he had. He thought back to the time three years ago when he had taught at Hogwarts and how untrusting Snape had been of him, and despite any amount of civility and politeness Lupin had tried to treat Snape with, it had not make one shred of difference. Lately, though, the Potions Master seemed out of sorts, and although Lupin had his own hidden suspicions as to why Snape was acting differently, he knew better than to voice them, especially to Snape... usually.

Opening the door to his room, Lupin took in his surroundings. The pale morning sunlight was coming in through the window where he had parted the curtains earlier, bleaching the already faded colors of the plain, simple furnishings even more. Lupin slumped over to one of the armchairs and flopped down into its welcoming cushions. Reaching for a flask of brandy, he poured himself a glass and aimlessly swirled the liquid around, watching it in a daze, nearly losing himself in a trance.

He just could not for the life of him stop thinking about that dream. So strange it was indeed, but not so strange, really. After all, Sirius and Lupin had known each other for most of their lives, and if any living person still had any connections to the late Sirius Black, it was Remus Lupin... but what about Harry? What about Harry, indeed? Taking a gulp of brandy, Lupin frowned at the glass in consternation, almost as if he was accusing the alcohol of not having the effect he wanted it to. Plastering himself stupid was not going to solve anything, though, Lupin reckoned.

He quickly downed the rest of the rather horrible-tasting brandy and hastily placed the empty glass on the table, figuring that the house elves would just as soon come by that morning to clean it up. He knew what he had to do, but doing it was another matter entirely. Why was he so damned afraid, anyway? He had talked to Harry from time to time already, and he liked the boy quite well. He knew Harry was quite fond of him, but who was he to come in and try to fulfill a role in Harry's life that Sirius had been given by James Potter himself? Lupin frowned, knowing that if James had wanted him to be Harry's godfather, he would have appointed him so, but that was not the case. Sirius and James had been practically inseparable during their tenure at Hogwarts. It was the Potter family that Sirius had moved in with. It was Sirius who James had chosen as his Secret Keeper. Among other things from memory, Lupin knew that he simply couldn't compare.

How can I be anything even close to what James or Sirius was to Harry? Every month I'm cursed to turn into a monster. What if I hurt him? What if I'm not able to be there for him when I'm under the curse?

Doubt upon doubt flooded Lupin's wary mind, leaving him no room for peace. Standing up, he stalked off for the door and left the room. It was time to talk to Harry.

Lupin made his way up to Gryffindor Tower. After he had given the password to the Fat Lady ("lionheart"), he entered through the portal and scanned the common room for any sign of Harry. The room was empty, save for Hermione, who was sitting in one of the crimson armchairs near the fireplace, her face buried in an over-sized book. Clearing his throat, Lupin approached the girl.

Hermione started for a second, not realizing who was coming nearer to her, but when she realized that it was only Lupin, she smiled and greeted him, "Good morning, Professor Lupin. What brings you to Gryffindor Tower so early?"

"Good morning, Hermione," Lupin replied, smiling gently. "I was up early and already had breakfast. I was hoping to talk with Harry."

"Oh," she nodded. "Well, good luck with that." She shook her head, continuing, "He was up quite late last night, I'm afraid. After the victory over Slytherin, the whole team and most of the house couldn't hush up. I think he was the last one off to bed if I'm not mistaken. You'd think that after six years at Hogwarts that he'd pay a bit more attention to his studies..."

Lupin stifled a laugh. "Ah, my dear, I fear to say that Harry is far from the studious pupil you are, but he does well enough. You must admit, though, that was some game, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, some game," Hermione echoed, rolling her eyes at the thought of Quidditch. "Harry caught the Snitch as usual, though I don't think the rest of his team was too thrilled."

"They'll get the hang of it," Lupin reassured. "It's mostly new players this year, anyway. So, Hermione, how are things going with you?"

Relieved by the change of subject, Hermione smiled. "I'm okay," she shrugged. "You know, I've been reading this really interesting theory on..."

Lupin patiently listened as Hermione explained such and such a theory on Arithmancy, apparently one of her favorite subjects. He wasn't sure how long he had been listening to her when Harry came down the steps and walked into the common room.

Upon seeing Lupin sitting there, Harry's face lit up, although he was a little perplexed as well. "Remus!" he exclaimed. "What're you doing here?"

Hermione stopped in mid-sentence and looked up from her book. She wished Harry a good morning, and Lupin stood up and greeted Harry earnestly.

"Good morning, Harry," he said. "Sleep well last night?"

"Yeah, okay," Harry mumbled. "Why?"

Lupin bit back the urge to spill everything about his dream. He didn't want to go telling Harry everything that was on his confused and wary mind in front of Hermione or anyone else, so Lupin just politely smiled and replied, "No reason, really. Actually, Harry, the reason I'm here is because I was wondering if I could talk with you."

Harry glanced over at Hermione, who shrugged her shoulders listlessly, and then looked at Lupin. "Er, of course, but can I grab some breakfast first? I'm starved."

"How about breakfast in my office?" Lupin suggested.

"Okay," Harry replied slowly, beginning to wonder just what Lupin was up to.

"Wonderful," Lupin quipped.

They wished Hermione a good day and left through the portal and strolled through the hallways and down some moving staircases until at last they arrived at Lupin's office. During the walk, Harry had kept sending questioning looks in Lupin's direction, but if Lupin had noticed them, he hadn't said so. By the time they were seated at Lupin's desk, and Harry had a plate of steaming hot waffles in front of him, Harry's curiosity had finally gotten the best of him. He couldn't wait a moment longer.

"What was so important that you wanted to talk to me?" Harry asked.

Lupin took a deep breath.

It's now or never, Lupin, old boy.

He regarded Harry intently as the boy ate. "Harry," he began firmly, "I had a dream last night."

Harry wasn't sure what to say to that, so he just kept his eyes on Lupin's face and stared blankly. Picking up his knife and fork, he slowly worked at his plate of waffles.

Clearing his throat in the awkward silence, Lupin continued, "So, anyway, let me get to the point. I had a dream about Sirius, Harry. I would swear to you that it was so real, for it felt like Sirius was alive again and standing right in front of me. I even reached out and physically touched him in the dream, but he seemed to have no recollection of having... died. He did ask me to tell you that just because he was still a prisoner and couldn't leave wherever he was trapped, he was... is... stilling looking out for you, and he told me that he was... well, he was depending on me."

Lupin shifted uncomfortably in his chair as his words sank into Harry's mind. Placing his utensils down on the plate, Harry stopped chewing and slowly swallowed. His young face was emotionless for a moment, but then it seemed as if emotion just came rushing onto his features. His eyes began to water, and he shook uncontrollably.

"Harry!" Lupin exclaimed, leaving his seat and rushing toward the boy.

Harry felt Lupin's hand on his arm, but all this did was add fuel to the fire. He found himself breaking down in much the same manner that he had back in the summer when Lupin had come to visit him in the middle of the night at the Dursleys'. Lupin knelt in front of Harry's chair and felt his own heart breaking. Making Harry cry like this was the last thing Lupin wanted to do.

"Harry," he repeated gently. "It's okay to cry, you know. I- I do understand what you're going through, at least partly."

Harry coughed and used his robe's sleeve to wipe his eyes after having removed his glasses. The areas around them were all puffy and red. The unbespeckled face of Harry Potter looked back at Lupin, his eyes narrowed and small as he tried to focus without the aid of his glasses. It seemed that in his outburst of emotions that his hair had become even more unruly, and the boy sitting in front of Lupin looked all of about ten years old right now. He certainly didn't appear sixteen.

"First it was my father," Harry finally croaked, "and then it was Sirius. Remus, I- I know you've been trying to be like a father to me ever since... ever since Sirius died, but I'm afraid, you know? I mean, I know this all sounds ridiculous, but what if you get too close to me and wind up meeting the same fate as them? I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, too... Sometimes when it's really late at night, and everyone else is asleep, I lie awake and think about how much my very presence endangers everyone else's lives. People I care about have died, Remus. Just weeks ago, in fact, Voldemort possessed me right in front of my friends, and he nearly had me attacking Ron. Luckily, I was able to block him out, but all I could think about at that moment in time was getting as far away from everyone as possible."

"So that's when you went running out of the castle, claiming what a menace you were to everyone?" Lupin asked, realizing what Snape had told him earlier.

Harry merely nodded and then whispered, "How'd you know?"

"Severus told me," he said simply.

"Oh, great," Harry mumbled, scowling. "Like I don't already feel bad enough. Yeah, of all the people... I practically ran into Snape while running across the grounds. I swear, wherever I go, there he is... always managing to make me feel guilty or... something."

Lupin sighed. "I don't think that was his intention, Harry, but getting back to the point at hand... Harry, I don't know what the future will bring. I have to be honest with you on that, at least. This is a war we're fighting, after all, and people do and will continue to be killed on both sides. I'm afraid that the cost is always too high in instances such as these, but, Harry, I will try to be there for you if you need me. I'm no Sirius or James. In fact, I think I'd be a rather lousy parent."

"No, you wouldn't," Harry gently argued.

Lupin's soft eyes met Harry's, and he half-smiled. "Ah, a werewolf for a parent, eh? Now, that's a rich one, Harry."

"You can't help who you are," Harry replied firmly.

"And neither can you, Harry," Lupin said matter-of-factly. "We've been over this before, you realize."

Harry laughed weakly, shaking his head and replacing his glasses. "Yeah, I know... I guess it just proves that the same problems tend to stay with us."

"Only too true," Lupin agreed.

The atmosphere seemed to have lightened, and Harry managed to finish his breakfast. After he was done, he smiled at Lupin.

"Thank you, Remus," he began. "You don't know what you've given me."

Lupin sent a questioning glance in Harry's direction. "But I've done nothing..."

"Yes, you have," Harry countered. "Trust me."

Standing up, Harry placed his hand upon Lupin's momentary and then turned for the door. He stopped briefly in the doorway and said, "So I guess I'll see you later?"

"Of course."

"Good day, then, Remus."

"Good day, Harry," Lupin replied, watching as Harry's form turned and left.

Days passed, extending into weeks, and soon December had come. Snow covered the grounds of Hogwarts, and decorations adorned the castle. Several large pinetrees lined the walls in the Great Hall, many of which had been decorated by Professor Flitwick. The ceiling in the Great Hall was enchanted to make it seem like snowflakes were lazily falling from the sky, and overall, the attitude among the students and staff was full of the cheer of the season. As Christmas approached, most of the students packed their things to return home to spend the holidays with their families. As was usual, Harry, Ron, and Hermione remained at Hogwarts during the holidays.

It was now the first day of holidays, and during dinner, the trio sat at a mostly empty Gryffindor table. Ginny had joined them, but other than them, only a random first year and third year student were sitting at the table, both looking rather uncomfortable. Over at the Ravenclaw table, Luna Lovegood was sitting alone, and when the Gryffindors noticed this, they invited her to join them.

"Are you sure it's okay?" she asked, her eyes even larger than usual.

"Who cares?" Ron exclaimed. "It's not like we don't have the room."

"Well, okay," she replied a little warily.

Luna sat down with her friends and quietly ate. Harry realized that he hadn't seen much of her this year, and then realization struck him that perhaps part of that reason was due to the fact that he hadn't been holding any Dumbledore's Army meetings. Truthfully, Harry had not really given it much thought. His mind had been elsewhere most of the semester.

"You know," Harry suddenly said quite loudly, "I was just thinking. Maybe we ought to start holding regular DA meetings again."

Hermione's eyes immediately lit up. She had helped Harry organize and plan the meetings last year.

"That's a great idea, Harry," Hermione instantly agreed.

Both Ron and Ginny nodded, but Luna seemed rather aloof.

"All right, Luna?" Harry asked.

"Huh?" the girl asked quietly, looking in Harry's general direction, but more or less looking past him.

"D'you want to have the DA meetings again?" he repeated.

"Yeah, sure," she muttered.

"Er, Luna," Ron began awkwardly. "Is everything okay?"

Luna blinked a couple of times, and her large, pale blue eyes seemed to be tearing over. She sniffed and shook her head. "My- my father is..."

"Yes?" Ginny prodded gently.

"Dead," Luna whispered.

"What?!" the others exclaimed in shock.

"What happened?" Hermione hastily asked. "Is that why you didn't return home for the holidays?"

"He was found dead in our home a week ago," she said shakily. "The article that he published in his newspaper last year about you, Harry... well, it was found stuffed in his mouth."

The girls both gasped and covered their mouths. Ron looked like he was going to be sick. Harry swallowed nervously and finally managed, "Any idea who did it?"

"Some of the Ministry suspects Death Eaters," Luna whispered. "There were reports of the Dark Mark left above the house."

"Doesn't anyone else think it strange that none of this was reported in the Daily Prophet?" Hermione asked suspiciously. "Something tells me that the Ministry is still hiding something."

"But Fudge saw what happened at the Ministry earlier this year," Ron argued. "Surely he's got to believe that You-Know-Who has returned to power. How daft can he be?!"

"But he hasn't done a damn thing to ensure the safety of the wizarding world," Harry said quietly. "Dumbledore said so at the most recent Order meeting, and that was just a couple of weeks ago. Dumbledore's been saying that every meeting ever since I officially joined the Order back in July."

"Strange indeed," Hermione muttered.

"Well, whoever it was," Luna croaked, "they obviously weren't too happy with my father for publishing the truth about what Harry had seen when You-Know-Who came back to power."

The others nodded, knowing all too well that this was the cruel and horrible work of Death Eaters under Voldemort's command. Harry felt like running to Dumbledore that instant and telling him, but when he looked at Luna and asked if she had told Dumbledore, she nodded and replied, "But even he admitted that there wasn't much he could do. The damange had already been done."

Ron eyed his friends sullenly and muttered, "Happy Christmas, everyone."