Pink Elephants Benefit No One

"To freedom!" Ron hollered, raising his glass high above his head.

"FREEDOM!" a multitude of voices shouted in response, the loud clinking of dozens of glasses filling the air.

The Three Broomsticks pub was heaving. Almost every seventh year Hogwarts student had turned out for the end of exams celebration party, all ready to let their hair down.

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sat at a table together. Ron, who was making the most of being legally allowed to drink, was downing his third glass of Ogden's Old Firewhisky - and it showed. Harry, who wasn't yet old enough to buy or consume alcohol, was sipping his first glass of punch along with Hermione. Madam Rosmerta had provided a special non-alcoholic punch for those who were under the legal drinking age. However, thanks to the work of a couple of sly Slytherins, it actually contained copious amounts of vodka and was slowly intoxicating all who drank it.

"I can't believe it's all done and dusted," Hermione said wistfully, swirling the contents of her glass. "No more exams."

"I know! Great, isn't it?" Ron roared as he punched the air and gave an enthusiastic thumbs up to a passing Susan Bones who smiled politely back at him.

"Oh sit down Ron," Hermione said irritably.

Ron gave Hermione a defiant look and instead of sitting down, he climbed up onto his seat.

Harry laughed. "Ron mate, sit down before you do yourself an injury!"

Ron wasn't listening. "Whoa! Harry, you should get up here, you can see for MILES!" he said as he peered out across the pub dramatically. "Oh look, there's Dean! DEAN!" Ron waved his arms about madly. Dean Thomas looked up from his seat over on the other side of the room and grinned at Ron, shaking his head.

"Ron, you are without a doubt the most embarrassing drunk I have ever come across," said Hermione flatly. "And I'm including Hairy Bob there. Now get down and make yourself useful - go and get me another glass of punch." Hermione turned to look at Harry. "It's surprisingly tasty, don't you think? I must ask Madam Rosmerta for the recipe."

Harry nodded in agreement.

Ron jumped down to the floor and took Hermione's glass from her. "Your wish is my command, sweet lady." He grabbed Hermione's hand and tried to kiss it, but she pulled it away and rolled her eyes at him. Ron grinned. "You know if you want I can get you a proper drink?"

"I'm perfectly capable of buying myself a 'proper' drink, as you put it. It just so happens that I'm fine with punch," Hermione said, crossing her arms.

Ron shrugged and turned to Harry. "How about you mate, you want something a bit stronger?"

"Nah, I'd better not," said Harry, although he had secretly been eyeing Ron's Firewhisky since they had arrived. "I'll have some more punch though." He passed Ron his glass and Ron walked - or rather wobbled - off to the bar.

Harry turned to Hermione whose eyes were fixed on Ron. "You know, if you keep being so hard on him, he'll never realise."

Hermione's eyes darted to Harry and she went red. "I-I don't know what you're..." She trailed off at the look on Harry's face; there was no point in lying. "He'll never realise, whatever I do or say to him," she sighed, ruffling her hair.

Harry shook his head and looked over at Ron who had got talking to Seamus Finnigan while he waited for the drinks; he was laughing hysterically at something Seamus was saying and slapping him hard on the back.

"You should tell him," Harry said decidedly. "You should sit him down and spell it out for him."

Hermione gave a short laugh and shook her head. "I couldn't do that. I'd lose him as a friend if he doesn't feel the same." She bit her lip. "He doesn't feel the same, does he?"

Harry watched as Ron took the drinks from Madam Rosmerta and began making his way back to their table, swaying slightly as he walked.

"You'll never know if you don't ask..." Harry said quietly to Hermione, before Ron reached the table and plonked the drinks down heavily, splashing all three of them with punch and Firewhisky.

"I'm back!" he announced unnecessarily.

"Oh I hadn't noticed," said Hermione sarcastically as she wiped droplets of alcoholic liquid from her face.

Harry snorted. "Sit down mate, before you fall down."

Ron did as he was told, grinning broadly at all who looked his way.

Hermione picked up her glass of punch and took a big swig just as a distressed (and rather unsteady) looking Neville Longbottom approached their table.

"Hey Neville," said Harry, smiling as he picked up his own glass of punch.

"NEVILLE!" Ron bellowed, beaming broadly.

"Hi," Neville sighed. His eyes scanned Harry, Hermione and Ron respectively and then moved on to their table and the area around it.

Harry frowned. "Something we can help you with, Neville?"

Neville didn't reply, but dropped to his knees and out of sight.

"Hey, where'd he go?" Ron asked, looking completely baffled.

Hermione giggled. "He's under the table, you idiot!" She gulped down the rest of her drink and set down her glass. She then scrunched up her eyes a couple of times and shook her head. "Is it getting a bit... misty in here? Or is it just me?"

Harry didn't hear her as he dropped to the floor to see what Neville was doing, but Ron nodded and gestured around him. "It's been like this all night, you only just noticing? For a smart witch, you're a bit slow."

Harry emerged from under the table with Neville. "Want to tell us what you're doing, or do we have to guess?" he asked, looking at Neville with amusement.

"Ooh, guessing games, I love guessing games!" Ron said excitedly, bouncing up and down in his seat.

"I've lost Trevor," Neville said forlornly. His eyes welled up and his bottom lip began to quiver.

"Well... I'm sure he'll turn up," said Harry, patting Neville on the shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting way. He looked to Hermione for support. Hermione hiccupped.

"Yeah mate. You know, he's probably hopped off to meet up with his toad friends," said Ron, downing the last of his fourth Firewhisky. "Give him a few hours."

Neville seemed to consider the possibility of Trevor being at a toad party for a few moments. He nodded slowly. "Trevor is quite popular. He might be at his own party..." Neville's flushed face brightened. "Thanks Ron!"

Ron nodded solemnly and gave Neville the thumbs up. "No problem, mate."

Looking a lot happier, Neville turned and wandered off.

Hermione hiccupped loudly again. "Since when did The Three Broomsticks allow trolls in?" she said, looking over Harry's shoulder and frowning.

Harry turned and followed her gaze; Crabbe and Goyle had just arrived and walking precariously in behind them was Draco Malfoy.

"They're not trolls, that's Crabbe and Goyle." Harry laughed and turned back to look at Hermione. "You alright?"

Hermione giggled. "I'm fine! Silly me, my mistake." She squinted and leaned forwards. "Who's the Veela, though?"

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Hermione, that's Malfoy."

"Really?" she said, squinting again. "Oh, so it is." She giggled again and Ron joined in.

"Smart, but slow! I told you!" he said triumphantly, slipping his arm casually around Hermione's shoulder. Hermione didn't seem to notice.

"Harry, be a darling and get me another glass of punch will you?" she said, holding out her glass and beaming at Harry.

Harry nodded and stood up, taking the glass from her. He picked up his own glass and Ron held out his. "Another Firewhisky, thanks!" he said merrily.

"Ron, I can't buy alcohol, remember?" Harry said as Ron tried to swat an invisible fly, but instead ended up whacking himself on the nose. Hermione cackled and clutched her sides.

Harry snorted. "Besides, I think you might be better with something soft this time."

Ron rubbed his red nose, frowning. "Yeah, yeah, might be right..."

Harry shook his head, grinning, and walked over to the bar. "Three glasses of punch, please," he said to the waiting Madam Rosmerta, who nodded and bustled off to get his order.

"Punch?" an amused voice drawled from beside him. "PUNCH? Oh Potter, what a big man we are!"

Harry looked to his right and found Draco Malfoy leaning heavily against the bar, waiting for his own drinks. "I suppose you're on something stronger?" Harry said, eyeing Malfoy as he wobbled slightly to and fro.

"Firewhisky!" Malfoy said proudly. "And mead before that, at The Hogs Head. Real drinks for real men!" Malfoy banged his fist on the bar a couple of times and a large group of burly Slytherins (which included both Crabbe and Goyle) who were sat at a nearby table cheered loudly and raised their glasses in Malfoy's direction.

Harry sniggered. "And here's me thinking real men were men who could stand without their legs shaking." Harry indicated Malfoy's unsteady looking legs.

Malfoy scowled. "Yeah... well..." he slurred, searching for a cutting retort. "Ah! At least my best mate isn't a carrot top who dances like a showgirl in public houses!" Malfoy pointed and sniggered loudly.

Harry frowned and turned around to see what Malfoy was pointing to; his eyes found Ron standing on their table attempting to do the can-can. Harry shook his head and half-laughed, half-grimaced. He turned back to Malfoy who was smirking broadly.

Madam Rosmerta reappeared with Harry's and Malfoy's orders at the same time. "Three glasses of punch for you, Mr Potter," she said, handing Harry his drinks, "and ten Firewhiskys for you and your group, Mr Malfoy."

Harry handed over some money. Malfoy handed over a lot more.

"Get something for yourself too, love," Malfoy said, winking at Madam Rosmerta's voluptuous chest.

Madam Rosmerta chuckled. "Don't wink at what you can't have, dear."

Harry sniggered as Madam Rosmerta gave each of them their change and then walked away smiling to herself.

Malfoy scowled again. "What are you laughing at Mr I-must-be-a-good-boy-and-only-drink-punch?"

"I'd be on Firewhisky too if I was of age," Harry said indignantly.

A mischievous look flashed across Malfoy's face. He leaned in towards Harry and pushed a shot of Firewhisky towards him. "No one'll know if you down this quickly. Crabbe won't miss it." Harry wrinkled his nose at the stench of Malfoy's breath and looked over at Crabbe who was now sleeping soundly, head on table. "Go on, prove you're a real man," Malfoy whispered.

Harry looked around him; Ron's performance was attracting quite a crowd - there was no one looking in his and Malfoy's direction. "Fine," Harry said shortly. He picked up the Firewhisky and downed it in one. He coughed as the liquor scorched his insides and blinked back the tears it brought to his eyes. He slammed the empty glass down and looked defiantly at Malfoy.

Malfoy raised his eyebrows. "Not bad. But not great either. Seen Pansy down one of those with less spluttering."

Harry, beginning to feel the effects of both the Firewhisky and his earlier glasses of punch, took this to be a challenge. He reached over and grabbed another shot of Firewhisky, downing it before Malfoy could protest.

"Potter!" Malfoy spluttered.

Harry puffed out his chest boldly and raised an eyebrow.

Malfoy narrowed his eyes. "Think you can out-drink me?"

"'fi 'ave to," Harry slurred, shrugging.

Malfoy grabbed a shot of Firewhisky and threw it down his neck, coughing once before slamming the empty glass back down on the bar. He looked at Harry, daring him to drink another shot. Harry obliged by snatching another Firewhisky and knocking it back fiercely. Malfoy stared at Harry blearily for a moment, before he took two shots of Firewhisky at once, one in each hand, and quickly downed both successively. Not to be outdone, Harry grabbed two more glasses and slurped them down as quickly as he could, belching loudly as the glasses hit the bar. There were two glasses left. Both Harry and Malfoy stared at the remaining shots, each inching closer to them.

"AHA!" Malfoy yelled as he lunged forwards and grabbed the last two glasses. He hurriedly knocked both shots back and then threw his hands up in the air, swaying dangerously from side-to-side. "I WIN!" He managed to bellow, before his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell over backwards, hitting the floor with a thud in a dead faint. People at nearby tables stopped what they were doing and stared. Harry peered over at the motionless spread-eagled form of Malfoy and kicked his foot.

"M-Mafloy?" he slurred. Malfoy didn't move a muscle. "Mafloy?" Harry tried again, kicking Malfoy harder. Still getting no response, Harry shrugged, turned and began the tricky task of walking back to his table. The pub suddenly seemed to be moving as if it were a boat at sea and Harry struggled to stay upright. He grasped hold of the bar and used it to pull himself forwards and then clung onto the backs of peoples chairs as he staggered towards the still dancing figure of Ron. Finally, after pushing his way through Ron's audience, Harry reached and collapsed into his chair.

While Ron continued to attempt high kicks, and the gathered crowd continued to egg him on, Hermione leaned in towards Harry, frowning.

"Where's the drinks Harry?" she asked as Harry stared groggily at her, trying to get his eyes to focus.

"Whah?" was Harry's confused reply.

"DRINKS!" Hermione hollered suddenly, making Harry jump and attracting Ron's attention.

"Yeah, drinks!" Ron roared. "More drinks!" Ron turned back to his crowd, threw his hands up in the air and wiggled his rear at them, earning himself loud whoops and cheers.

Hermione pulled herself to her feet. "Never trust a woman to do a man's job!" she said huffily, shaking her head and beginning to walk away.

Harry frowned. "Don't you mean man to do a woman's..." he started, but trailed off as Hermione tottered away in the direction of the bar. Harry shrugged and looked up at Ron who was trying to pirouette like a ballerina. The inebriated red head twirled proudly and then stumbled, but managed to steady himself before he fell off the table. He met Harry's gaze and grinned, his eyes looking oddly glazed.

"Harry!" he said, clumsily offering his hand. "Gerrup 'ere, will you?"

Harry beamed merrily at his best friend and grabbed hold of his outstretched hand, pulling himself up onto the table beside him. From his new viewpoint, Harry could see over the whole pub and gazed incredulously out across it. He saw Seamus Finnigan and Neville Longbottom crawling around on their hands and knees and looking actively around them in one corner; Crabbe, Goyle and Millicent Bulstrode were snoring loudly at their table in another; Ernie Macmillan appeared to be giving some sort of important speech to a group of emotional looking

Hufflepuffs at the next table along; and Hermione was at the bar, crouched beside the still inert Malfoy, poking him with a finger, while Madam Rosmerta stood over them shaking her head. Harry slung his arm around Ron, swaying slightly.

"It's beautiful up 'ere," he said happily.

Ron sighed loudly. "I know. We are so lucky t'be able to see sights like this."

Harry nodded his agreement. "And we're so lucky to 'ave each other too, mate," he said, choking back a sudden lump that had appeared in his throat.

Ron looked at Harry and gripped his shoulder. "You are so right," he said sincerely. Ron took a deep breath and cleared his throat. The merry crowd below him silenced and looked up at him expectantly. "I would now like to dedicate my next performance to this lad 'ere," Ron said, patting Harry heartily on the back. "The best mate a man could ever 'ave!" The crowd cheered and Harry gulped, trying to fight the overwhelming urge he had to burst into loud and uncontrollable sobbing.

Ron cleared his throat again and put his fingers to his lips. The crowd fell quiet again. Many other people in the pub turned to see what was going on.

"Wha' would you dooo," Ron began to sing slowly, "if I sang out of tuuuuune? Would you stand up and walk out on meeee?" He looked to Harry for support.

Harry grinned. "Lend me your eeeear," he provided, not bothering to ask how Ron knew the words to a Beatles' song, "I will sing you a soooong..."

Ron joined in again and together they continued: "And I'll try not to sing out of keeeey!" The crowd below clapped and cheered and began to sing along as Ron and Harry went into the chorus. "OH! I GET BY WITH A LITTLE 'ELP FROM MA FRIENDS! OOH..."

Ron and Harry were swaying in time with their singing when Hermione finally returned with their drinks. Harry spotted her, grinned and while Ron carried on the song at the top of his lungs, he jumped haphazardly down to the floor (narrowly missing landing on Terry Boot) and took his glass of punch from her.

"'Mione, you're an angel!" he exclaimed, giving her a big kiss on the cheek.

Hermione beamed proudly. "I know!" She shook her head, flicking her hair - something Harry had never seen her do before - and then bustled past to get to Ron. Harry grinned as Ron took his drink and then suddenly pulled Hermione up onto the table, who shrieked and giggled and then joined in the singing.

Harry gulped down his punch and, as he pulled faces at his distorted reflection in the bottom of his glass, decided he wanted a Butterbeer. Halfway through his wobbly journey back to the bar however, he felt his stomach give an odd sort of lurch and had to make an emergency detour to the bathroom. He staggered through the heavy oak bathroom doors and managed to make it to a cubicle just in time.

Several minutes of throwing up and mentally cursing every drop of Firewhisky in the land later, Harry collapsed onto the cold stone floor of the bathroom, leant back against his cubicle wall and pushed his door open. Panting, he tried to get his eyes to focus and peered around him. Everything was brightly coloured and swirling like a kaleidoscope; he just had time to notice the lack of urinals and the unfamiliar vending machine on the wall before he slumped over sideways and everything went black.

"Disgraceful. Utterly disgraceful," Harry heard a familiar voice say. He wrenched open his eyelids and found Ginny Weasley staring down at him. She had her hands on her hips and was shaking her head. Stood behind her were Luna Lovegood and another Ravenclaw girl he didn't recognise.

Harry groaned and brought a hand to his head, massaging his temples.

"Yes, I bet you have got a headache," Ginny said curtly. "You must have had a skin full to have ended up in here."

"Whah?" Harry slurred, trying to sit up, but falling back down when the room started spinning.

"You're in the girls toilets, you daft sod!" Ginny laughed, crouching down beside him. "We need to get you out of here quick sharp, before someone else finds you and you get done for underage drinking! Come on girls." She grabbed Harry's arm and the Ravenclaw girl shuffled forwards and grabbed his other. Together they pulled him to his feet and slung his arms around their shoulders. Luna held open the cubicle door, smiling serenely.

"Now, try to look normal," Ginny ordered Harry. "Lean on us and we'll get you through the pub, out into the street and then back up to the castle, hopefully before curfew - Filch would jump at the chance to ban me from Hogsmeade weekends forever if I'm late back! He's been looking for a reason ever since I accidentally fed Mrs Norris a Pepper Imp I'd brought back from Honeydukes that one time..."

Harry smiled, looking at Ginny's blurry profile as she and the Ravenclaw girl dragged him forwards.

"You are SO pretty," he sighed, trying to stroke her vivid red hair.

Ginny rolled her eyes and slapped his hand away. "If you think you're going to throw up at all, say so - do not under any circumstances vomit in my direction, or I will be forced to kill you."

Harry nodded and tried to salute. "Yes sir. Ma'am. Weasley. Gin."

Ginny shook her head. "You are worse than Hairy Bob."

Harry and the girls emerged from the bathroom, walking slowly and steadily. The pub was quieter than when Harry had left it - there was no crowd watching and singing along with Ron anymore for one. In fact, Harry couldn't see Ron at all, or Hermione either. Harry vaguely wondered just how long he'd been in the bathroom, but that thought was soon lost as he stumbled and almost fell flat on his face. Ginny and the Ravenclaw girl grabbed him before he hit the floor and pulled him upright again, giggling nervously as a few heads turned to look at them. As they passed the bar, Madam Rosmerta narrowed her eyes, but said nothing.

Luna ambled ahead and held open the pub doors, and Harry and the girls stepped out into the cool evening air. The sun had just set below the rolling green Hogsmeade hills and the sky was dancing with warm pinks and purples. Harry took a deep breath of fresh air and was about to ask Ginny what the time was when Luna interrupted him.

"Who's giggling?" she said softly, looked around her.

Ginny frowned. "I don't hear anything." She and the Ravenclaw girl shared an amused look as Luna whirled slowly and dramatically around with her hand to her ear. "Probably came from inside," Ginny said, waving her hand dismissively. "C'mon, lets go."

"Wait." Luna froze. She was looking directly at some rose bushes some fifty yards away.

"C'mon Luna," Ginny said exasperatedly. "Do you want to get caught out after curfew?"

Luna didn't appear to be listening. She started walking towards the rose bushes.

"Luna," Ginny groaned. She sighed and with a nod from the Ravenclaw girl, they started after her, pulling Harry along with them. As they neared the bushes, the sound of soft giggling and low whispers met their ears.

Ginny and the Ravenclaw girl raised their eyebrows and looked at Luna. Luna nodded calmly.

Harry cupped his mouth with a hand and leaned in towards Ginny's ear. "I think there's someone in the bushes," he said rather loudly, pointing.

Ginny rolled her eyes. "You think?" she said sarcastically. Harry nodded seriously.

Ginny let go of Harry and he fell against the Ravenclaw girl, who struggled to keep him upright. She then strode forwards towards the bushes to join Luna. "On the count of three," she whispered. "One, two three!" Ginny and Luna both grabbed the bush and pulled back branches, leaves and flowers to reveal two figures entwined on the ground.

Everyone gasped. Ginny's mouth fell open; Harry screwed up his eyes a few times to make sure he was seeing the scene correctly; the Ravenclaw girl craned her neck to get a better view; and the panting, red faced Ron and Hermione froze in their positions on the floor. Luna just stared at them dreamily.

"What," Ginny wheezed, "in the name of MERLIN do you think you two are doing?"

Ron hiccupped and removed his hand from Hermione's chest. "I was jus'... 'elpin' 'Mione with... somethin'," he slurred pathetically.

Hermione grinned sheepishly.

Ginny wasn't amused. "Get up!" she said, shaking her head. "Hermione, cover yourself up, for goodness sake!" Hermione and Ron got to their feet and Ginny bustled forwards to pull Hermione's robes shut, muttering to herself about how damaging it is to find your brother in a passionate clinch with your best friend.

"So you finally told 'im!" Harry exclaimed loudly. Ron and Hermione started, having not realised he was there. Hermione looked blearily at him and nodded.

"Could'er got a room though mate," Harry said to Ron, frowning.

Ron shrugged. "Minx jumped me on the way back to't castle." Hermione giggled shrilly and attempted to punch Ron on the arm, but missed and fell over. Ron tried to pull her up, but instead ended up on the floor with her. Harry guffawed noisily at the sight and slapped the Ravenclaw girl a little too hard on the back in his hysterics, sending her flying to the ground. He clumsily dove after her to try and break her fall, but only succeeded in landing on top of her.

Ginny groaned and shook her head. "Remind me to steer clear of alcohol," she said to Luna, who was picking a rose from the bush beside her to put in her hair.

Luna nodded. "Pink elephants benefit no one," she said softly.

Ginny shook her head slightly and sighed, not even bothering to ask the dotty blonde for an explanation as she helped drag Hermione, Ron, Harry and the Ravenclaw girl to their feet and then began the challenging task of getting her plastered friends back up to the castle.