Your First Year Wet Himself

Harry Potter was pissed. Of course, he had been drunk before, but never like this. This was mind-numbing, liver-ruining, staggering-on-pavement drunk. Hannah Abbot, who he had just asked out, was not quite as drunk, but I'm not sure it's possible to be any near that drunk and still be conscious. If Harry Potter was anything, he was certainly the Boy Wonder. Hannah threw her head back and laughed, pouring more Firewhisky into her mouth, overflowing it and spilling all over her front. It was a Saturday night at Hogwarts, and Ron and Harry had snuck a ton of alcohol back into the school. It wasn't that hard, considering Fred and George had it all waiting for them to come pick it up.

"Now remember boys, should you get caught, you did not get this from Fred and George. You got it from Gred and Forge. Understand?" Fred had told them as he shoved them back into Hogwarts newest secret passage, leading from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes straight into the Gryffindor tower. Of course, upon getting a few drinks into their system, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Seamus, and Dean were all drunk as sin. Harry had set off to find Hannah Abbot to bring her into the festivities, and upon bringing her back, they discovered that Hufflepuffs were indeed loyal.... to the bottle. She must have drunk more than anyone except Harry.

"Guyhs! Hey, letsh all go into Hogsmeade, and have a night on the town, sheee?" Harry giggled like a girl at his proposition. Ron, Hermione, Harry, and Hannah all staggered to their feet with some difficulty, and started in the direction of the secret passage. Of course, Dean and Seamus were conveniently blocking the way, and were sucking face like nothing anyone had ever seen before.

"Thash incredible!!" Harry cocked his head a bit to the left and squinted. "How do they bend like that?" Some of the things the two boys were doing probably could not be replicated by anything short of monkeys or snakes. The foursome watched the natural wonder for a while, trying to figure out how to get past them into the passage.

"Oh, Guysh!! I had an I-de-a!!" Ron said, and pronounced every syllable, like someone who is trying very hard not to sound drunk but is totally trashed. "Letsh use the old pashage, behind the humped witsh, you know?" All of the room's residents who were not currently defying nature with their mouths agreed, and they staggered out the portrait hole. The Fat Lady gave them a disapproving look and mumbled something about teenagers and alcohol, but the four were too trashed to hear or care. When they reached the witch, Harry muttered the password and they all slipped into the hump and staggered on towards Hogsmeade. No one, in their drunken frenzy, thought to close the hump, so it remained open and gaping for an also drunken Draco and Blaise to find. Draco, being the pompous assholes he had been raised to be, was still capable of normal speech, mostly because it would be an insult to the Malfoy family if their children weren't able to hold their alcohol. So, other than the smell, and his slightly odd behavior, it was hard to tell that he was really all that drunk.

"Blaise darling," Draco said in his perfect Malfoy drawl, "have you ever seen this passage before?" Blaise shook her head and exploded into giggles, grabbing various parts of her boyfriend to keep her balanced enough to take another swig of her firewhisky. Draco slid an arm around her waist to keep her upright. "Well, my dear, what are we waiting for? Let's go!"

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"Blaise? Blaise where are you?" Draco worriedly looked around him at the other end of the passage, in the basement of Honeydukes, and then bent (a bit unsteadily) down to peer back into the trap door. "BLAISE!" He rose again. "Quite chilly in here. Wonder where I am? It's bloody freezing!" Just then, he turned to hear peals of laughter coming from the stairs. The smashed Golden Trio stood at the top, along with bloody Hannah Abbot, who's waist was the current resting stop of Harry's hands. As he watched, the laughing and drunken Boy Wonder fell off the basement stairs to land on a box of Jelly Slugs.

"Ooff. Christ, thash a long way down. Bloody soft landing though." He tried unsuccessfully once, twice, three times before staggering to his feet. He looked around and blinked stupidly, before catching sight of Malfoy, whereupon he sat shot-put right back into the Jelly Slugs. High-pitched giggles flowed from his mouth.

"Malfoy," he gasped, "WHERE IN THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOUR PANTS?" No matter how stupid the question sounded, it was none the less completely deserved. Malfoy stood in front of them in just his... well, he was going a la natural, that nice. To quote old Archie, he likes a nice healthy breeze round his privates, thank you very much!

"On my legs, Potter, how much did you drink?" Draco tried his best to look dignified, as his put his hand on his hips. Incidentally, hips where no pants rested. He anxiously patted his hips, thighs, butt, and back to his hips before looking down. "WHERE IN THE BLOODLY HELL ARE MY PANTS?" Indeed, Draco had a right to be cold. He was butt naked from the waist down. Ron collapsed off the stairs and landed on top of Harry in the Jelly Slugs in a fit of laughter.

"MY GOD MALFOY!!! WHAT A DAY TO GO COMMANDO!!!" The rest of his words were drowned out by the ringing laughter from the girls at the top of the staircase, who were holding on to each other to avoid joining their significant others in the Jelly Slugs. Malfoy hurriedly transfigured a box of Cockroach Clusters into gray trousers, and pulled them on, with mumbles of "bloody drunk Gryffindors" and "where in the bloody hell did my pants get to?" Just then, Blaise literally fell up the stairs and out the trap door.

"DRACO!!! YOU FORGOT YOU PANTS!!" she screamed through mad high-pitched giggles. As she rolled out to floor level, you could see that she was tangled in a pair of guy's grey pants. "I PULLED THEM OFF AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!" Hermione and Hannah lost it. Off the stairs they went amidst mind numbing laughter, making a large heap of bodies and Jelly Slugs.

"This is ridiculous. I will NOT be stuck in a room with a bunch of bloody Gryffindors," Draco stalked to the door.

"I RESENT THAT!!!" Hannah screamed, because, she was indeed a Hufflepuff. Draco cursed and attempted to open the basement door leading to the back room of Honeydukes. It didn't open.

"It's locked. Though why it would bloody be locked at 11:00PM at night is beyond me," said a slightly squished Harry from the bottom of the pile of Jelly Slugs/insanely drunk friends.

"Now what?" Draco dejectedly plopped down onto a box of blood-flavored lollypops. Harry emerged from the mass of bodies, his drink amazingly still intact, and flopped down next to him on a box of Fizzing Wizbees.

"Now, we play the drinking games, dearest worst enemy," Harry paused, and a baffled look came over his face. His mouth opened and closed a few times. Draco was about to ask him if he was ok, when he belched so loud a box of Ice Mice squeaked in protest. Harry suddenly smiled contently. "Gather round!" Harry yelled to the other three, as they pulled up crates of their own. Draco looked disgusted at the thought of playing with the likes of them, but he couldn't come back so early, not when he had made such a big deal of sneaking out of the castle late at night. He looked down at his feet. Blaise appeared to have passed out right at his feet. Draco sighed.

"Blondes," He mumbled and shook his head. His hair was coming undone, he had to pee, and his pants smelled like Cockroach Clusters. Wasn't sneaking out after curfew supposed to be fun?

"Here's what letsh do," Harry said as he tried to contain himself. "Does everyone know how ta play 'I Never'?" Everyone generally nodded, some more drunkenly than others. "So I'll go first." He thought for a moment, before saying "I've never missed the snitch," he said and grinned evilly at Draco, who tried his best to glare menacingly as he took a swig from his bottle of Firewhisky. It looked a bit strange though, because he was, of course, drunk.

"Well the rest of us never attempted to catch it, so I guess that means we never missed!" Hannah said, and nearly fell off her crate. "Now, my turn!" She thought hard, and finally came up with one. "I've never had sex," she said with a proud smile, and looked around to see who drank. Draco (of course) and surprisingly Harry managed to get their bottles to their mouths and swallow.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, "You? Who? When?" Harry suddenly looked pained.

"Please... Don't ask." Something in his face implied he was really pained by the memory. Then he belched, and looked significantly better.

"My turn!" said Ron, a bit to enthusiastically, and he rolled off his crate onto the floor. After righting himself, he said, "I've never changed the color of my hair." Hannah, and *gasp* Draco raised their bottles and drank. Everyone stared at the not-so-blonde blonde accusingly.

"What?" he questioned, "You think people would be so intimidated by a mousy-brown haired Malfoy?" he snorted. "My father was enraged when I didn't have the legendary bleach-blonde hair, so he colored it himself. It has yet to wear off. I do think I prefer it this way, though," he finished and looked thoughtfully at a stray lock of hair that hung just below his eyes, before blowing it away from his face. Hermione sighed dreamily at this, but at an elbow by Ron, she straightened. Malfoy smirked at him. I pity you, Weasel, he mouthed, she'll never love you like she loves me...

"Right, my turn," Hermione called attention back to her. "I've never read How To Be a Happy Homosexual," she said. Ron drank. "Oh, EW. And I was kissing you earlier?" Ron shrugged, and put his hands up in mock defense.

"I was curious! I mean, I just wanted to know!! Go again, if it makes you feel better." Hermione nodded, and composed herself

"I've never got a B" She looked unreasonably proud of herself. Everyone drank. No surprises there. So, the score stands at Hermione with zero, Hannah with one, Harry and Ron with two, and Draco with four. And it was his turn. He looked accusingly at Harry.

"I've never saved the world." Draco said, and pronounced every syllable a bit more than normal. The alcohol was getting to him. Harry drank. Everyone else swayed on the spot, except for Hannah who smashed face first in the floor, out cold.

"Wicked" Ron said, before joining her, smashing his nose on the ground as he fell. Hermione giggled, and, being unique, passed out backwards.

"What now?" Draco looked confused at the sudden departure of his drinking buddies.

"Now I look like a hero, even when I'm drunk as shit, by using Mobilicorpus and bringing them all back. Damn, I am good." Harry belched yet again and waved his wand at his three drunken friends, and they all levitated upwards, heads lolling around on their necks and toes skimming the ground. They lined up and went single file into the trapdoor and back towards Hogwarts. Draco imitated the wand waving that Harry had performed, and Blaise's arm flopped weakly at her side. He did it again. Same result.

"POTTER!! POTTER GET BACK HERE AND HELP ME!!" Draco looked accusingly at the spot where Harry had been. Someone shouted from within the tunnel. Blaise rose, and plowed Draco over on its way through the trapdoor, Draco's pants trailing like a cape, effectively pulling him down the stairs into the tunnel, and slamming the door behind him.

"POTTER!! POTTER WHAT WAS THAT!! POTTER!! HELP!!" Draco printed the length of the tunnel, to jump into Harry's arms at the other end, passing the unconscious Blaise on the way down. Harry unceremoniously dropped him on his butt in the corridor back at Hogwarts.

"Shhh!" he hissed, "someone will hear you!" Draco nodded, caught Blaise as she rocketed out of the witch's hump, and started off towards his dorm.

"Potter?"

"Yes?" Draco pointed to Hannah, and the ever-increasing puddle of yellow she was lying in, congratulating himself already for the great one-liner he was about to say.

"Your girlfriend wet herself." Draco could have kissed himself for having the last word like that, it was so... perfect. Surprisingly Harry smiled, and pointed to Blaise, who was in Draco's arms, and the large dark stain spreading slowly over them.

"So did yours."

Draco screamed and ran as Blaise went wee wee wee all the way home.