JK Rowling and the Freaked Out Wizards

CHAPTER TWO: PONDERINGS OF AN EVIL MASTERMIND

Joanne flew to the Southwest of England, over the nice, but completely identical homes of the suburbs.

"Holy Bejeezus, how am I supposed to find the Dursleys' home amidst these clones of houses?" she exclaimed in a frustrated manner. A few seconds after she had said this, an arrow-shaped lightning bolt nearly hit the fourth house in one of the many little streets, as if giving Joanne directions. Joanne was startled, but decided to trust this supernatural force ... she dived, landed swiftly and stepped of her 'Snaky Broom 200X'.

Joanne looked around her and saw the sign that read 'Privet Drive'. She walked to the house with a golden number four next to its door, and looked through the window. When she saw who were sitting inside, she couldn't believe her eyes.

Inside Number Four, Privet Drive were Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley, and also Harry Potter ... or at the very least people who looked very much like them. They all sat around the dinner table and were happily eating. Well ... that's only partly true, because the Dursleys were all looking rather nervous and Harry had an odd expression on his face, something between a smirk, a smile, a sneer, a snarl, and every other facial expression that started with an 'S'.

Joanne looked at Harry. He looked almost exactly like she would picture him if she wrote about him, but with some significant differences: his hair was not so 'wild' as it was supposed to be; it looked like Harry had emptied an entire bucket of hair-gel over his head. His face was screwed up in pure evilness and his green eyes had a maniacal glint. She also noticed the peculiar clothes he was wearing: wide, silvery grey robes, with an emblem on it showing a blood-red lightning bolt with the golden letters 'HP'. The only thing that could have made him look even scarier was Lucius Malfoy's pimp cane.

Evil!Harry stood up. He gave the Dursleys a menacing glare. "I'm going upstairs," he said in a cold voice.

Petunia Dursley looked worriedly at Harry, and then at his plate. It was still half-full. "But Harry, you've eaten practically nothing! You'll starve when you don't -"

"Haven't I told you I don't like to be called by that name?" said Harry. "It's for plain mortals! From now on, I want everyone in this house to call me 'The Almighty Lord Potter, Diabolical Master of All Doom and Soon-To-Be Ruler of The Universe' - Lord Potter for short. Also, to answer your request - no, I will not starve if I keep eating so little of your ORDINARY food - I am the IMPERSONATION of EVIL, therefore, I cannot feel such PRIMITIVE feelings as hunger - do people like Darth Vader or Sauron ever eat? The answer is NO! Heck, they never even use the toilet! So you should be happy I'm kind enough to still eat something of your mugglish food ... is this understood?"

"Yes, o Merciful Lord Potter," said the three Dursleys in monotone voices. "We are not worthy. Hail!"

"Spiffy," said Lord Potter with a grin. "Now, I will reside in my bedroom - I mean, my Lair. Goodbye, pitiful mortals." He slowly walked away, his robes waving.

God, he's worse than all James Bond and Batman villains put together, thought Joanne. I need to see more of this ...

She stepped on the 'Snaky Broom 200X' and flew silently to Lord Potter's window. She stopped just underneath it, so she could take a peek and see what he was up to.

Harry's bedroom wasn't very different from a normal one, except for the fact that practically everything in it was black, except for the cushion on Harry's chair and the pillow on his bed, which were blood red and made of the finest satin. It was dimly lighted with candle-shaped lamps - even for an Evil Overlord, it's dangerous to have real candles in your bedroom! Think of the fire risk!

Evil!Harry came in. As if on cue, a big snowy owl came flying in, startling Joanne. She could see Harry smirking.

"Ah, Hedwig, my beloved owl! I see you've brought many letters back from my EVIL correspondents. Good girl!" He tossed Hedwig a skull-shaped Owl Treat and checked his letters.

"Gas bill, electricity bill, a slightly impolite letter from the local library - yes, I really should bring 'The Nicely Illustrated Adventures of Ploppy the Hamster' back, I've borrowed it when I was two years old and I've already tried my paper shredder on it - Hmm ... another warning from the Ministry ... so that's nothing to worry about ... ah, here! A letter, from my - and Ron's, and Neville's, and Draco's, and - urgh - Snape's girlfriend, Hermione! She's so beautiful ... not to mention evil. Let's read what she's got to say."

He opened her letter and read:

'Dear Harry,

I'm already longing to our sixth year. Hopefully, we can have some fun together...

I've went to the Ministry to let them clear you of all charges, as you asked. First, I asked them friendly, but they weren't really convinced. But you know me - I've always got some special techniques in store ...

But anyway, you're cleared of all charges now, so you're safe - for now. You'll no longer be when I'm around you...

Love, your voluptuous girlfriend, Hermione.'

Harry, or Lord Potter, whatever you want to call him, grinned. You could nearly see hearts floating in front of his eyes - if there was one person he didn't hate for being unbelievably stupid compared to himself, it was Hermione Granger - the femme fatale of his little organisation. Somehow, it didn't matter to him that she had snogged with almost half of the entire male population of Hogwarts - although he did feel a bit sick when she thought of her and Snape together.

He carefully placed her letter on his table and opened the next letter. It was from Hagrid, the gamekeeper:

'Mos' Evil Lord Potter,

Here's yer mos' devoted servant, Hagrid.

I heard from yer - and Ron's, and Neville's, and Draco's, and - urgh - Snape's - girlfriend that she managed to clear you from all charges. I've also bin a bit busy lately - not only have I bin improvin' my English a bit, bu' I'm also training a few beasts fer yeh, an' they migh' come in handy.

Oh yeah, you maybe heard that there's still no teacher fer Defence Against The Dark Arts. Maybe we could send one o' our men. Then I'm not the only staff member on your side! Maybe yeh'll have to find someone. We'll have Hogwarts conquered in no-time!

Humble greetings,

Yer loyal servant Rubeus Hagrid."

Harry thought for a moment. "Hm ... for once my violent and slightly dim-witted servant has a good idea. Who would suspect a Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher of illegal activities? Even that Lupin guy managed to hide the fact that he's a werewolf - until he forgot to take his potion and passed water in the Great Hall during the full moon. Poor chap had his nose rubbed in with it and got Howlers from angry parents for months! No, if I need an infiltrating staff member, it has got to be someone who is unbelievably evil, but still doesn't get suspected by his colleagues." He paused for a moment, but then, he got an idea. A menacing background cue played. "How about an old, short, fat woman, who wears pink cardigans, likes little kittens, but at the same time is a mistress of torture and other sadistic activities?" He shuddered. "No, even a truly sadistic person like me doesn't like to hang out with that sort of people."

Joanne knew enough; she had thought of a way to get closer to Lord Potter. She was about to fly away when someone knocked the door. She kept floating just underneath the window to hear what was going on. "Who dares to interrupt me in my daily ponderings?" called Lord Potter out in a menacing voice. He was answered by the squeaky voice of Dudley Dursley. "Er, me, actually! Dudley Dursley, your favourite cousin, remember?" Harry thought for a moment. "Hm, not really. I have much more important things to do than learning the names of complete nitwits. Still, come in." Dudley opened the door slowly and cautiously. He peered around the corner. "Ah, it's you, the pig-like one," said Harry. "What are you doing here?"

"Er ... I just wanted to check if my beloved cousin was OK," said Dudley. "You know, while there have been ... differences between us sometimes, I do still care about you ... in fact, I would almost say we were like brothers ..." Lord Potter sneered. "Yes, I would also say we were like brothers, if I didn't hate you so much for being an obnoxious little swine!" Dudley kneeled and muttered: "That's a very nice thing to say ... thank you, Harry ... thank you so much ..."

"DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT I DON'T LIKE TO BE CALLED 'HARRY'?" Lord Potter shouted angrily. Dudley fell on the ground and said: "I'm sorry, Your Mighty Lordship ... Most Evil Highness ..." "Not good enough!" said Lord Potter. He grabbed his wand and pointed it towards him.

"NOOOO! Please don't curse me! I had to wear bandages around my backside for three weeks after you gave me that pig tail last time!" Potter smirked.

"Yes, the pig tail accident. There I gave you a scare, didn't I? But this time, I'll - where are you staring at?" Dudley was looking open-mouthed to the window, where Joanne was floating to spy on Harry. "There's someone over there!" Dudley shouted. Joanne quickly flew away and Harry turned around. She was gone. Harry stared at the window for a moment and then looked at Dudley again.

"Ah, now I get it ...," he said slowly. "Undoubtedly, you tried to get away from me by giving me a distraction. Tell me, Dudley, don't you like to be in my company?" He prodded Dudley in the stomach with his wand.

"Of course not! I mean, yes, yes, I do like to be with you!" mumbled Dudley.

"Fine, because I also like to have myself in my company," said Lord Potter smugly. "You may leave now, if that's what you wish."

"OK," said Dudley quickly, and he stood up and turned around. Harry pointed his wand at Dudley's back, shouted something in Latin, and a moment later, a rather fat ferret bounced out of Lord Potter's bedroom window, startling Joanne. "Hm, glad I can still do it," said Evil!Harry casually. "I haven't done that ferret thingy since - actually, I've done it just before the summer break, after I caught that dimwit Malfoy snogging Hermione - the fact that she's also his girlfriend doesn't mean he can kiss her and get away with it." He was silent for a moment. "But enough pondering for today, I'm going to get a snack. Even Darth Vader must've been a bit hungry sometimes, what with all that conquering the universe stuff!"