Solstice

Chapter 32 - WORRIES

Lupin regarded him curiously. Draco Malfoy was a jumble of emotions - one moment vulnerable and the next angry, condescending and arrogant. Right now he stood before him looking as if he would rather be anywhere in the world than here in the classroom with him.

"Draco? Are you ready?"

His chin lifted up arrogantly. "I don't see why I have to learn this," he stated flatly.

"Because you would succumb to a Dementor in seconds after what you went through last winter. You need to be able to conjure up a Patronus. The boggart is perfect for such learnings as it takes on the shape of what you most fear. If you are able to send a Patronus as a defense you will be able to ward off a Dementor."

He stood quietly for a moment, debating his words. Then, resigned, he shrugged. "Fine, let's get to it then."

"Before we start I want you to focus on a happy memory." He gave him a few moments then continued, "Ready and I will let the Boggart out?"

Draco took a deep breath, inwardly he trembled. He nodded then closed his eyes and thought of the incredible feeling of catching the snitch during the game against Ravenclaw. When he opened his eyes - Snape lay on the floor dead in front of him.

"Nooooo," he screamed.

"It's just a Boggart, it's not real," Lupin yelled. "Focus!"

Shaken, Draco tried to think of the Quidditch match. The image from his nightmare however blocked his memory. Snape's dead body transformed into Lucius holding his wand with a malicious smile on his face as he spat out, "Avada Kedavra."

Draco backed away holding his wand, his hand shaking uncontrollably as Lupin shouted, "Riddikulus." As usual the boggart became a shiny orb and then vanished.

He felt cold and clammy, a lump swelled up in throat. Gentle hands dropped onto Draco's shoulders. Startled he pulled away, his eyes wide, his face ashen. Dumbledore stood behind him.

"It's okay, Draco, calm down, you'll get it soon."

He nodded and took some deep breaths.

"Remus, I'm sorry for interrupting. I just wanted to bring you these notes."
He turned back to the teen. "Do you mind if I stay for the next lesson?"

His stomach flipped. Dumbledore had seen him at his absolute worst when he had cried on him last year. He was still embarrassed to be around him because of that. He certainly didn't want the headmaster to watch this when he had such a hard time staying in control. He shook his head. "Please don't." His voice sounded hoarse and he quickly cleared his throat.

There was kindness and understanding in the headmaster's eyes. He nodded just before he turned to leave. "I understand congratulations are in order. You apparated on the first try. That's quite the feat, Draco, you should be very proud of yourself, I know Professor Snape is. Well done, that's quite a nice memory." He reached out and lightly patted Draco's cheek before turning and exiting the room.

Lupin praised the headmaster silently; he was a very perceptive man. Those words were exactly what Draco needed at the moment.

"Shall we try again?"

Uncertainty flashed through Draco's eyes and the smile that crept up at the headmaster's words vanished instantly.

"I need a minute," Draco said in a voice just above a whisper.

"Take all the time you need," Lupin responded patiently.

Draco threw him a grateful look. Lupin was glad to see it. His name was listed on Draco's guardianship papers also, yet between Severus, Albus and Minerva he knew the boy was least likely to turn to him in an event of need. He needed to change that to ensure Draco felt comfortable.

The blond teen paced restlessly back and forth along the stone wall. He seemed to get more agitated rather than calmer.

"Draco, please come sit with me for a moment."

He looked at the werewolf with suspicion. Although Lupin had been nice to him on various occasions, he remembered how he threatened to tie him to the bed whenever he wanted to get up during his recovery from his father's beating. The werewolf was always so quiet and calm yet intimidating all the same. Draco didn't want to feel intimated, hated that he did yet at the same time he appreciated that Lupin was always so quiet and patient, he never yelled at him like Snape did.

Lupin had sat down on a bench and patted the spot next to him. Draco hesitantly went over to him.

"I think perhaps we should discuss the Boggart first before you start concentrating on a happy memory."

"I know what a Boggart is," Draco responded impatiently.

"Yes, that's true but you missed a few classes in your third year so you never actually encountered one till this year."

Draco grew quiet, he had purposely missed them, claiming his hippogriff injury was causing him agony.

"You know you are safe at Hogwarts, your father cannot get in."

He nodded. He knew all that but it didn't stop the nightmares.

"Professor Snape is safe here also, your father cannot kill him nor would he be likely to because it would anger you know who."

Draco knew his father was terrified of the Dark Lord, that was likely the real reason he didn't kill Snape last time. He glanced at Lupin, who smiled at him softly and got up. He touched his shoulder lightly, reassuringly. "You can do it. I won't pressure you, you can learn at your own pace."

His heart still beat wildly and he felt very apprehensive but a little calmer that Lupin put no pressure on him.

The Boggart immediately became his father again this time snapping a whip.

Draco took a deep breath and pointed his wand while trying to focus on Snape's smile and Tonks grin when he apparated. He shouted, "Expecto Patronum!" A wisp of vapor came out of his wand. As his father advanced with fury shining from his eyes, Draco couldn't stop the shudder that tore through him, he shouted again, "Expecto Patronum." Nothing happened this time. Lupin quickly jumped in and banished the Boggart back to the cupboard.

"I'm not doing this!" Draco shouted at him. He was breathing hard and shaking.

Lupin reached out towards him but he backed away his eyes wild and stormy. "I'm useless at this, I'll never get it right, I won't do it!"

"You will get it, I promise. You almost had it, Draco, you were closer than ever before. I saw the shadow of a Patronus," Lupin encouraged him quietly.

Once he calmed down again and got his breathing under control he realized Lupin was right.

"Professor Lupin, could you tell what it was?" he asked hesitantly.

"No, not yet, it was too faint and not defined. I'm sure whatever it is it will be impressive," Lupin assured.

Draco smiled at him weakly.

"Would you like to stop here for now and continue with the rest of the class or privately on another day?"

He was silent for a moment. Now that he'd at least had a little progress. "I'll try with the others."

Lupin smiled at him. "I'll see you later then."

Draco went to leave, he hesitated at the door. "Thanks."

"Anytime I can help," came Lupin's reply.

Harry sat by Ron's bed. They were playing wizards chess. Ron had regained the feeling in his legs but was still very weak. Madam Pomfrey let him out of the bed for short walks and then made him drink strengthening potions. He would be able to attend classes on Monday.

"I have to admit I was shocked to wake up and find Snape by my bedside. He was actually quite civil. Wanted to know if I was in pain and then reassured me I'd be all right," Ron spoke as moved his bishop. Harry looked up briefly then with an angry expression looked at the wall.

"Harry? What's going on? Are you still pissed at him for what he said?"

Harry glared at him. "You heard what he said, how do you think I feel?"

Ron looked thoughtful. "I guess after all this time it wasn't unexpected. He was pretty mad at you and you didn't follow his and Tonk's instructions, you know how much he hates that."

Harry stood up abruptly. "I have to go!"

Ron snorted in frustration "Come on, don't be git you know I'm on your side."

Harry shot back, eyes blazing. "Doesn't seem like it to me." He angrily left the ward. When he got to the stairs he stopped and took a deep breath. He knew it wasn't Ron's fault. He just didn't want to talk about Snape.

"Hi, Harry." Ginny came over with a bag of chocolate frogs in her hand. "I'm on my way to see my clumsy brother and ...what's wrong?" she asked looking concerned at this stormy expression.

"NOTHING!" he shouted at her as he continued angrily down the stairs.

Her eyes narrowed. "You don't need to take it out on me!" She shook her head as she shouted after him.

Later that afternoon they were gathered in Lupin's office again, this time Snape was with them. Snape looked very uncomfortable but Lupin had thought his presence would be very beneficial to Draco. If the Boggart turned into a dead Snape again, Snape would be on hand to reassure him. He hadn't told Snape about Draco's Boggart since he felt it was the teen's prerogative to tell his guardian.

Draco looked equally uncomfortable when he entered and saw Snape. He had questioned why he was there and when Snape told him, Draco flatly stated that he didn't need him there. A very brief look of hurt flashed in Snape's eyes but despite his ward's wishes he stayed.

Draco became unresponsive and sullen.

Harry had glared at Snape when he entered and looked rather uncomfortable also.

As the lesson started Hermione's otter was in perfect form. Harry's stag wavered a little as he had trouble focusing on a happy memory and was disturbed by Snape's presence.

Draco looked very nervous when it was his turn. He glanced at Lupin, who smiled encouragingly; his gaze drifted over to Snape, whose dark eyes looked sympathetic. "I know you can do it, Draco," he encouraged with confidence.

Hermione and Harry both nodded at him and he focused with everything in him on how he felt when he apparated. Lupin was about to release the Boggart when someone cried out sharply. Draco opened his eyes annoyed that he had been interrupted. Snape was gritting his teeth and grasped his arm. Lupin rushed over to him. "Severus?"

"I have to go," gasped Snape.

"NO!" Draco shouted, his insides twisting in fear. "You can't go!"

Snape was pale and trembling slightly. "I have to."

Draco grabbed his other arm. "He'll kill you! My father will kill you." His voice dropped to a whisper.

"It will be all right." Lupin gently pulled him back but he angrily wrenched himself out of his grasp shouting at Snape.

"If you meant what you said and you care about me you won't go!" his voice acquired a note of desperation.

"Draco stop! You're not being fair," Lupin spoke up seeing the added pain on Snape's face.

With regret in his eyes, Snape responded quietly trying to reassure Draco. "I'm sorry, but you need to understand I have to do this." He then glanced briefly at Harry whose green eyes were wide with worry and his face was pale.

Harry bit his lip. "Be...careful."

Snape nodded and vanished out the door.

Draco stood still for a moment - frozen by the panic he felt. When Lupin made a move towards him he tore out the door, his breathing strained.

"Let me talk to him," Harry said as he followed.

Hermione suppressed the urge to run after both of them; maybe they could help each other.

Draco had run at top speed down to the lake. Harry had a hard time keeping him in sight. He glanced around to make sure no one else was nearby but few people wandered out on the damp, dark, foggy day - a sharp contrast to the one before. He finally caught sight of the silvery-blond head and went over to him.

He was gasping for air as Harry knelt down by him. He looked up his eyes wide with fear as he wheezed out, "can't breathe".

Harry shook his head. "You're hyperventilating, you need to calm down." He pulled out his wand and transfigured an old crumpled leaf into a paper bag. Years ago when Dudley had thrown a tantrum and hyperventilated Aunt Petunia had made 'Duddlikins' breathe into a paper bag, it seemed to help.

"Here, breathe into it." He handed it to the pale boy. Draco between wheezes glanced over; revulsion crossed his face as he knocked it away.

Frustrated, Harry sighed. "Don't be such a prat, it's a Muggle method and it really works."

Somewhere in Draco's muddled brain he remembered how Hermione's Muggle method had worked. Desperate he grabbed the bag and with shaking hands held it over his face.

"That's it, just breathe into it and try and relax." He patted his back. After awhile as his breathing calmed, Draco pulled his face away from the bag, then threw it away angrily.

He looked at Harry. "Well Potter, aren't you going to give me the pep talk now on how everything will be all right and Snape will be fine and all will be wonderful?" He couldn't help sneering at the dark-haired boy.

Harry glanced at him briefly and shook his head. "No because I don't know if that will happen," he responded quietly.

Draco looked surprised. They both stared out at the lake. "I hate this! I hate him for going! Why does he let himself be a slave?"

Harry's eyebrows shot up. "Aren't you being a bit of a hypocrite considering that until a while ago you were perfectly willing to be a slave to Voldemort?"

He flinched visibly over Harry saying the Dark Lord's name, and then he grew angrier. "I never wanted to be anyone's slave. I just didn't know what it was like. My father always said it was wonderful, the power and prestige of being a Death Eater and fighting for all we believed in."

"Calm down or you'll hyperventilate again. Snape's not a slave, he made the choice to be a spy and he's good at it."

"He didn't have to go," he responded sulking.

Harry snorted, annoyed. "Of course he did, Voldemort demands loyalty."

"Just shut up Potter!" He got up intending to find himself a Potterless spot to sit and think.

"I don't want anything to happen to him either, especially..." Harry's voice trailed off.

Draco stopped. "Especially what? What? Since you started to care for him? Think of him as a parental substitute? Think of him as you did your Godfather?"

Harry sighed wearily. "No, since I wouldn't forgive him and didn't tell him I was sorry for endangering the Order when I screwed up at Apparating."

"Oh." Puzzled, he sat back down. "He was pretty pissed at you." He grinned a bit.

Harry shot him a scathing look. "If you're just going to razz me about it or gloat because you got it, you might as well leave."

Draco bit his lip, his eyes softened and he looked a tad apologetic. "I'm sure he knows you didn't mean it."

"Er, right," he responded, his green eyes looked unconvinced.

"I can't lose him," Draco suddenly said in a small quiet voice.

A tightness formed in Harry's throat when he thought back to last June. He had felt the same way when he thought Voldemort had Sirius. He hoarsely replied, "Hopefully you won't have to."

Draco glanced at him, Harry stared at the ground, his black hair falling over his forehead. He could see him blinking quickly and realized he was thinking about his Godfather.

"How do you get over losing the one person in the world that means a lot to you," he asked softly.

Harry laughed harshly. "I'll let you know if I ever find out."

"Sorry...I." He didn't know how to continue.

"It's okay. I don't want you to find out and I don't for my reasons want to lose Snape either. He's like a mentor to me and I really do care what happens to him. He helped me a lot last fall and I'll always be grateful to him."

Draco grew quiet, he wondered if Potter knew how much Snape actually cared for him. A part of him didn't want to tell him because he knew Snape wasn't likely to but the part of him that had grown in these last few months felt guilty keeping quiet. He sighed. "Snape told me at the end of last year that he actually thought of you like a son."

Harry's eyes grew wide. He didn't know if hearing that made him feel better or worse. It felt kind of warm thinking that the man who secretly loved his mother thought of him that way but it also made him feel even guiltier for the way he had behaved. If Snape died now... The aggravating tightness in his throat came back. He cleared his throat loudly and in an effort to distract himself as well as Malfoy, with a teasing grin responded, "So Malfoy, I guess that makes us brothers."

Draco snorted. "When Flobberworms fly! That won't ever happen. Snape and I are Slytherins, not a goody two shoes Gryffindor."

Harry laughed, glad that the mood has somewhat lightened. "No, you're right! I can't be calling some Slytherin Ferrit my brother."

Draco smirked. "Shut up or I'll hex you."

He grinned. "I better get back before someone sees us together. Are you feeling a bit better now?"

The smile faded as fast as it had come. "No."

"Will you at least try not to hyperventilate again?"

The blond head nodded.

"Right then." Harry turned to leave, when Draco cleared his throat. He turned back to look at him.

"Thanks for the paper bag."

"You're welcome. Remember the bag thing, it works." When a sad look once again crossed Harry's features he left.

A well of anxiety formed again in Draco's chest. He shivered slightly. Snape had to be all right.

As Harry made his way back to Hogwarts, Ginny came out the door with her Quidditch broom in hand. She looked him angrily and brushed past him.

"Ginny, wait," he called after her.

"What do you want?" She turned to look at him.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. I was angry at Snape and I took it out on you and Ron," he said quietly.

His eyes looked so sincere that she couldn't stay mad at him. "All right, just don't do it again."

He nodded.

"Did something happen?" She looked at him intently wondering why he looked so down and worried.

He shook his head.

She made a face. "I'm not dumb, it's obvious you're upset."

Harry looked around to make sure no one was nearby that could hear. When a group of first years came down the steps, he took Ginny's arm and led her off to the side. "Snape was called to a Death Eater meeting."

She nodded as understanding crossed her features. "You're afraid that he'll be killed."

Harry swallowed heavily. "I don't think I can handle another death."

Ginny didn't know what to say. Her heart went out to him as he stood there, focusing on a nearby tree, the wind blowing his hair. He looked so isolated, so alone. She reached out and touched his arm and smiled at him softly.

"It won't do any good to worry about him. Whatever happens it wouldn't be your fault, you know that."

His eyes looked into hers. "Ginny, I don't want anything to happen to him."

She nodded, stepping closer. "It will be all right."

He looked down into Ginny's dark eyes so full of warmth and sympathy. When she reached up to hug him lightly, he wrapped his arms around her for a moment and closed his eyes. After a moment he let go of her and pulled back. His eyes still looked sad and haunted. "Thanks, Ginny."

She smiled at him wistfully, knowing that he was still sad and worried. She also knew that he didn't want sympathy. Harry the hero, always trying to be strong for everyone never allowing himself to show any weakness. All that just made him even more special in her eyes. She walked towards the Quidditch field, her thoughts full of the green-eyed wizard.