Solstice

Chapter 26- melting the ice

Draco sat in the alcove in the library, his knees drawn up to his chest, his head resting on his knees as he stared outside at the lake. His night had been intermittently interrupted by nightmares. He'd never had so many in one shot. He deduced that Snape's memories must have triggered them. In one dream he killed his father by beating him to death with his staff. He had woken up from that one leaning over the bed and violently throwing up, the image of horror and seeping blood fresh in his mind. Snape had been by his side in an instant, holding him and smoothing back his sweat-soaked hair. When the retching had finally ceased Snape had given him a stomach vial and helped him lie down, talking to him soothingly till he had calmed down. He had sat with him till he had fallen asleep again.

In another dream his father told him that Snapes didn't care about him and that it was all a ploy to get him to help Potter. It was Potter that Snape thought of as a son. He had woken up silently shaking from that one. In the last dream Snape hit him with the staff for putting a spell on Potter. He felt lost and betrayed. He couldn't tell Snape about any of the dreams.

"Draco?" came a soft voice interrupting his thoughts. He looked to find Hermione standing beside him.

He looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, and he was paler than usual, his eyes looked listless. She frowned, looking worried. "Are you not feeling well?"

"Scram, Granger; I'm not in the mood for company," he responded coldly, annoyed by the concern in her eyes.

"Not even from a friend?" she asked softly. She had gotten used to his prickly moods and his endless game of trying to push her away, especially when he desperately needed someone. She could see past the icy glare to see how alone he was feeling.

"We're not friends," he responded icily, looking away to stare out of the window.

"Perhaps, but we aren't enemies anymore either." She climbed up on the ledge opposite him.

He looked at her with narrowed eyes; his words were clipped. "Only because you want me to help Potter win against the Dark Lord."

Hermione sighed. "If you didn't do anything to help and as long as you didn't do anything to hinder the fight, I would still care. You keep letting your insecurities get the better of you. You start putting up all these walls that are really hard to get past. Trust me, I'm not going to do anything to hurt you."

He snorted, scoffing at her words. "You can't hurt me."

"Maybe not, but I can help you if you let me."

He regarded her suspiciously. "I'm fine. I just didn't sleep well," he informed her irritably.

She remembered the nightmare he had had on New Year's Eve. "Are you having nightmares?"

He hated that she and the others had witnessed one. He didn't want to show any more weakness in front of them. With his gray eyes stormy, he turned to look out of the window again. "I told you before, Granger - I don't want company and I don't want to talk!"

"Draco." She reached out to him.

He jerked away, his voice acquiring a note of panic. "I mean it; leave me alone!" As his anger grew his breathing became laboured.

Not wanting to upset him more than he already was, Hermione got off the ledge. "I'm sorry, Draco I just wanted to help. Just so you know, I really am starting to think of you as a friend. When I see a friend not feeling well I try to help. But I guess you're just like Harry - you have to push everyone away because you're afraid to let anyone get close."

"I'm not afraid!" he snarled at her, his face slightly flushed.

She goaded him by raising an eyebrow. "You are otherwise you wouldn't be acting like you are, unless of course you still hate me and my Mudblood presence is unworthy in your pureblood space?" she challenged him, staring him in the eye, daring him to call hera Mudblood again.

He looked away, guilty, and swallowed heavily. "That's not what I meant."

She sighed. "Did you at least talk to Professor Snape about your nightmares?"

Draco shook his head, looking uncomfortable.

"Why not? He might be able to help you." she suggested softly.

"I don't want to bother him."

"He cares about you so much; you know that." Hermione grew thoughtful. "Are you afraid - I mean, worried - that Professor Snape will suddenly stop caring?"

Draco didn't answer and Hermione's heart ached as she suddenly realized after a lifetime of not having anyone care about him he was terrified that Snape would suddenly stop. Maybe Draco thought that none of it was real, only based on his helping Harry defeat Voldemort as he had just accused her of.

She reached out and put her hand on his wrist. "If not Professor Snape, will you please talk to me, then? I promise it won't go any further than the two of us."

He looked at her, his eyes betraying the worry etched on his features. Part of him wanted to push her away again but another part desperately wanted someone to confide in. She kept reaching out to him - it had started from that day in the fog and had continued right through to now. He moved his arm so her hand slid from his wrist to his hand. He stared at it as he gripped it softly. She squeezed it reassuringly. His eyes hesitantly moved up to meet hers again. She smiled softly. "Come on," she said and gave his hand a small tug.

He resisted. "I'm sorry; I can't. I just can't." A wave of panic rolled over him. He couldn't talk about his dreams - not to her, not to anyone.

She nodded sadly. "It's ok, I understand." She smiled at him kindly. "But come with me anywat - I have an idea. You won't have to talk but it will make you feel better."

She gripped his hand a little tighter and tugged again. He looked at her suspiciously; trust was something he didn't give lightly. He swung his legs effortlessly off the ledge and followed her out the door.

She led him to the hallway of the room of requirements and dragged him back and forth three times until the door appeared. She led him inside.

A wonderful smell of sandalwood came out from under the door adjacent the area they found themselves in. A soft, fluffy bed was situated in front of the fireplace. Hermione let go of Draco and went and opened the door to the adjacent room, where a large bubble bath took up most of the space and steam escaped into the other room. Draco stood near the door, his eyes wide with amazement. His eyes connected with Hermione's and a sly grin formed on his face.

"Forget it, Malfoy; that's not what I brought you here for," she responded, glaring at him.

His eyes narrowed, his ego knocked down a notch. "Never considered it, Granger; I wouldn't with a Mud -" He stopped in mid-sentence, biting his lip.

She looked at him, her dark eyes wide with hurt.

"I didn't mean to use that word. Sorry," he added softly.

"Forget it. You look like a zombie so why don't you get into the warm bath and relax a bit, but don't fall asleep because I have no desire to haul your wet carcass out of there, She said, raising her chin.

He snorted in annoyance as he went into the room and slammed the door behind him. He had to admit, that she had had a wonderful idea as he stripped his clothes off and sank into the hot, steamy, scented water. His muscles relaxed and his chest felt clear and pain-free. After a whilea loud banging on the door startled him and he realized he had almost fallen asleep.

"Time's up; get out now."

"What if I don't want to go?" he responded grumpily.

"Then I'll turn the water to ice," she responded sweetly.

He got out of the tub, dried himself off and put his clothes back on.

His hair was still wet when he came into the other room, Hermione noticed, but he looked a little better - less tense, more at ease.

He realized that a warm bowl of soup stood on the nightstand beside the bed.

"Go on, climb into bed and help yourself to the soup."

Annoyed that she kept telling him what to do, he didn't move.

She noticed the scowl on his face and groaned inwardly; Prince Malfoy looked like he was about to throw a tantrum.

"Draco, I'm just trying to make you feel better. The bath was to relax you so you won't have any nightmares. The soup is because you haven't eaten well since you were hurt and since you look like a zombie you really could use a peaceful sleep."

She looked at him standing there so defiantly. She knew that he didn't want pity, was horrified at the thought they all felt sorry for him - but truth be told, she did feel sorry for him, very sorry for all the pain he had been through, the trauma of realizing he was unloved by both his parents, the humiliation that people he considered his enemies had found out. She knew he was angry but he looked so terribly vulnerable standing there wavering slightly, his fists clenched, his wet hair falling over his forehead, his eyes looking sad and confused. After hating him all these years it was hard to define exactly what she felt. If there hadn't been so much animosity she could fully appreciate that Malfoy had indeed grown into a rather good-looking boy - tall, lean with striking eyes, fine features and that pale blond hair - but what she felt for him right now wasn't physical; it was that same mysterious force that made her want to comfort Harry. She smiled softly to herself. She wanted to be Draco's friend; she didn't want him to feel so alone. Driven by some unknown instinct she got to her feet and went over to him. He looked at her warily as she put her arms around his neck and lightly hugged him. He stiffened for a moment but then he wrapped his arms tightly around her. "Why are you being so nice to me?" he asked quietly.

"Because I want to," she responded.

He pulled away. "You just feel sorry for me, don't you? Poor Malfoy the beaten boy, he's so pathetic." He angrily spat out the words.

She snorted, annoyed. "Being beaten does not make you pathetic, Draco - you survived, you're strong."

"But you feel sorry for me, don't you?" he accused again with narrowed eyes and a sneer on his face.

Hermione sighed. "How do you expect me to answer that? Of course I feel sorry for you; we found you almost dead and then to hear of all the things your father's done, of course I feel terrible that all this happened to you! But you know what? I feel even more sorry for what had happened to Harry. Despite his rotten life he's always been nothing but caring. I care about Harry so much and it's not just because I feel sorry for all that's happened to him. Can't you understand that?"

He looked down at his toes, not sure how to respond.

"Come on, your soup's getting cold."

His eyes looked into hers and he nodded; he was just too tired to argue anymore.

He sat on the bed and ate the soup. When he finished Hermione waited for him to lie down but he just kept sitting there.

"You're exhausted, Draco why don't you lie down?"

He glanced at the bed and shook his head. "I'm okay. I don't want to sleep."

She narrowed her eyes; he looked so tired she couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to sleep. Taking the risk of making him angry again, she asked, "Do you think you'll have another nightmare?"

His eyes flashed and he got up. "I should go now. Thank you for the bath and the soup."

"Wait, Draco." She paused. "I'll stay with you while you sleep - if I think you're about to have a nightmare I'll wake you right away, I promise."

He looked into her worried dark eyes and felt an incredible surge of envy when he realized what a wonderful friend Potter and Weasley had in her. She had grown into such a beauty. For years he had fought against thinking that, trying to focus on the fact she was, as his father always said, a filthy Mudblood. She wasn't just beautiful on the outside but inside as well. She was offering him that friendship; he would be an idiot to turn her away again. The offer might never be made again. He nodded and smiled at her softly. "Okay, but under one condition. You can't tell Potter and Weasley about any of this."

She smiled. "Don't worry, I'll guard your pride."

He gave her an annoyed look at that.

Much to his surprise she climbed onto the bed above the covers and grabbed one of the big fluffy pillows laying beside her and beckoned for him to lie down. He looked at her, startled.

"Well, if you have a nightmare I have to be close so I can wake you."

He hesitated a little; this was almost like the time when he had thought Snape died and McGonagall had held him close till he fell asleep - almost, but not quite, since Hermione definitely wasn't McGonagall.

He climbed under the covers and put his head on the pillow close to Hermione.

"Now close your eyes and have some nice dreams; dream about beating Ron at chess and Harry in Quidditch and me in Transfiguration.

He laughed softly. In some ways she was as comforting as McGonagall was. Maybe most females, aside from his mother, had that lovely quality.

"What happens when school starts again?" he asked hesitantly.

"The four of us will continue to be friends, I promise. Draco, just remember one thing as you fall asleep: Professor Snape loves you unconditionally," was her answer.

His eyes closed wearily and the last thing he remembered was Hermione reassuringly patting his arm.

Snape sat in the headmaster's office, his dark eyes stonily fixed on Fawkes.

"Severus, would you look at me please?"

Reluctantly Snape's eyes lifted and he made contact with Dumbledore's light blue eyes. "I asked you to come this morning because I wanted to make sure you were feeling all right after the Occlumency lesson. Judging by your reactions this morning am I to assume that things did not go well?" he asked softly, concern shading his expression.

"As well as to be expected," Snape replied hoarsely.

"Harry and Draco understand how difficult your life has been?"

"Yes. I think it was of benefit to Harry but I think it worked negatively for Draco. He was up half the night with nightmares."

"I'm sorry to hear that. We will need to ensure that he has a peaceful night's sleep tonight. Ultimately, however, I am confident the experience will make him feel closer to you." His eyes studied Snape intently. "Now, what about you - did you sleep well?"

Snape shook his head.

"Nightmares?" Dumbledore asked softly.

Snape squeezed his eyes shut. "It wasn't exactly easy reliving those memories."

Dumbledore got up and sat beside him, lightly resting one hand on his shoulder. Snape didn't accept contact easily but he was too weary and also had too much respect for the headmaster to shrug him off. "I am failing them both."

Dumbledore's hand moved to the back of his neck, lightly stroking him in comforting circles. "Both will be stronger because of you. Harry is slowly overcoming his grief from losing Sirius and he is starting to trust you. I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually starts to feel comfortable enough to confide in you. I expect him to master Occlumency at a much faster rate after what you did for him yesterday. Harry's trust is not easy to gain and I venture that after yesterday you have taken a huge step in claiming his. Harry is a strong young man, Severus. He's been alone all his life and he needs to learn to accept and ask for help. He cannot do this alone. Neither, for that matter, can you."

Snape wearily shook his head in disbelief.

"And Draco - he will need some time. He's experienced a great deal of trauma over a very short period of time. He will need a great deal of reassurance from you and all of us. He will also need to be watched closely so he doesn't endanger himself again. Draco's first instinct is to react with anger and lash out with hostility; he needs to be guided away from those actions. It will take a lot of patience and a lot reassurance, and especially love, from you. He has to have someone he can turn to and talk to about anything. I'm hoping you can be that for him."

Dumbledore's heart thumped painfully, seeing the despair in the younger man's eyes. He realized with shock that what he was telling Severus to do for Draco was something he needed to do for him.

"Tell me about your nightmares," He requested softly.

Severus let out a long, shuddering sigh and shook his head.

"How will you ever convince Draco and Harry to accept your help when you won't even accept mine?"

Snape snapped out his trance. He knew the headmaster was right. His hand was still stroking his neck in support but it didn't make it any easier talking about things he didn't want to ever talk about.

"Don't let all these memories fester inside of you."

With a flash of anger in his dark eyes, Snape turned to look into the light blue ones. "It's not just the memories; it's my entire life! It's a waste. I haven't accomplished one good thing. I alternate back and forth between serving two masters; I am responsible for two boys who will both likely end up dead at the Dark Lord's hands. I will likely be tortured to death by him myself and for what? I will have accomplished NOTHING!"

Dumbledore's eyes narrowed. "Then perhaps you need to finish. We will transform your appearance, set you up in a different country and you can lead an entirely different life."

Snape swallowed hard. "You would do that for me? What about the Dark Lord? What about Draco and Harry?"

"Severus, if a life away from here brings you some peace and some happiness, I will do this. I worry terribly about you every time you attend a Death Eater's meeting; despite all the incredible work you have done for the Order, I would in fact be relieved to not have you at death's door all the time. As for Draco and Harry, I, as well as the other professors, will take care of them and teach them all they need to know as well as care for them. Although she is not as talented as yourself, Minerva can finish teaching him Occlumency ; she and I have both made progress with Draco, although I suspect he will retreat inside himself for a while after you leave. But we will take care of them, rest assured. You have had a tragic life and I would like to see you finally find some happiness."

The dark eyes looked up again and a hint of an elusive smile flashed across his face. "Thank you for saying that. I can't leave."

Dumbledore smiled. "You care about them too much."

Snape broke eye contact but nodded curtly.

"I'm glad you will be there for them. I will try to also but I fear that I will not live to see the end of the final battle. It is reassuring to know that they and Hogwarts will have you."

The dark turned to him again full of anguish. "You have to make it through. You are the only person in this world who I look up to. I couldn't do any of this without you."

The headmaster looked at him kindly over his half-moon glasses. "Severus, you have endured and sacrificed so much. I am here for you but so are others. You need to open yourself to them and let them care about you. When the day comes that I am no longer here, you will not find yourself alone." He gently brought his hand up to the side of his head. "When you thought Draco was dying you told me he had never felt love and you wanted him to feel loved. I have that same wish for you. There is a young witch in the Order who you have always brushed off, as you have all members, but she is rather intrigued by you. She is quite the opposite of you but I think she would do you a world of good."

Snape shook his head vigorously. "I have no room for love."

Dumbledore smiled patiently. "You are afraid to love. Not everyone you love will die. Even if they do, you are still better off to have loved. Would you rather never have known Lily Evans?"

Snape's eyes snapped up in horror. "How did you know about Lily?"

Dumbledore just smiled.

Snape looked away, sighing. "You will likely outlive me. You know how quickly my life could end."

"Not if I can help it. Just think about what I've said. Now, I would like you to tell me about these nightmares."

Snape snorted. "You are like a dog with a bone."

The headmaster laughed, his eyes twinkling. "For your own good."

"I relive killing my father. At first I experience that exhilarated rush of power. For the first time in his presence I had felt powerful, after a lifetime of being scared to death of him and his fists, his whips, his curses, his chains. When I hit him with the Avada Kedavra curse and watch him crumple lifelessly to the ground, I realized he was just a man. After all those years of beatings and torture, he wasn't some mythical, untouchable being, but just a mean, violent man who was as mortal as the rest of us. The powerful rush faded to be replaced by emptiness. It didn't change anything. The only good that came out of it was that he would never be able to hurt or kill anyone ever again. But it didn't take away my emptiness, my despair, my bitterness. It didn't change my life for the better."

"Actions as a result of hatred never do. Tell me, Severus, your worry about losing your life to Voldemort and your worry of failing the boys aside, how do you feel about your life right now?"

"I'm extremely grateful that Draco lived and that we were able to get him away from Lucius and Narcissa. I am glad that I am able to help Lily's son prepare for the battle he is facing."

"She would be so grateful to you and I think very proud that you have been able to disengage yourself from the dark side. Love, Severus, always wins over hatred. Focus on your love for Draco and your quest to help Harry. These are positive things in your life. Believe that you can all overcome this darkness and one day it will all be in the past and you will all be free to live the lives you want. Don't dwell on what may happen or what has happened;it will only make you more and more bitter."

"What if I fail them?" Snape asked, his silky voice quiet and anxious, his dark eyes looking suspiciously watery.

"As long as you love them you will not fail them." Dumbledore again patted the side of his face. "When Harry first came to Hogwarts, you hated him. You focused only the fact that he was James' son and almost his spitting image. You refused to look past that and you stubbornly hung on to that hatred. I was so disappointed in you last year when you ended the Occlumency lessons I -"

Snape interrupted him. "I'm sorry I did that; I know that if I hadn't Black would likely be alive and you wouldn't all have been placed in such danger."

"Shhh, Severus; I know you feel badly about it but I take responsibility for Sirius' death - my actions directly led to Harry acting as he had. I created a world of pain for that boy. I put the responsibility of training Harry on to your shoulders. I should have considered how deeply your wounds ran and that you hadn't let go of the hatred. I was blindly optimistic that by spending time with Harry you would see how much like Lily he is. I should have monitored things better. However, that is in the past now and what I wanted to say was how proud I am of you now. Look how far you have come."

Snape grew even quieter. Dumbledore's words rang true. He would never have believed that he would care about James Potter's offspring almost like a son. Perhaps he had changed after all; perhaps there was hope for the future.

"Stand up for a moment, would you?"

Snape looked at the headmaster with a puzzled expression but followed his request. Dumbledore transfigured the chair into a bed. "You are exhausted, Severus. I would like you to lie down and get a bit of sleep. Tonight I want both you and Draco to take a dreamless sleep potion. Classes start tomorrow and I want you both to get a good night's rest."

"I have an Occlumency lesson with Harry this afternoon at two."

"I will be sure to wake you just before then. I can't have a grumpy, exhausted Potions Master teaching Occlumency. You need to have patience, Severus, and when you haven't slept well, you have been known to be rather crabby," Dumbledore remarked with a light, teasing tone.

Snape didn't appreciate being called crabby but the thought of lying down in the appealing fluffy bed outweighed the urge to respond.

When his head hit the soft pillow he murmured softly, "Thank you, Professor Dumbledore."

"Albus," insisted the headmaster.

Snape had never felt comfortable calling his mentor by his first name but to appease him heresponded, "Thank you, Albus."

Dumbledore smiled softly as the dark-haired man's eyes closed. As much as Draco and Harry needed his support, so in his own way did Severus. He would never make the mistake again of keeping his distance if he were needed.

The following morning, Snape sat behind his desk when Harry knocked and entered. He greeted Snape quietly. He would rather not have had an Occlumency lesson today. He had dreamt about Sirius the previous night and had felt angry and depressed all day. He ran his hand through his already mussed-up hair and sat down at the desk across from Snape. Snape's eyes narrowed at him suspiciously as he quickly dropped his gaze to stare at the desk.

"Out with it, Potter!" Snape grumbled, then softened his tone. "Something is obviously bothering you."

Harry didn't want to talk about this again with Snape. He knew that Snape hadn't cared for Sirius and wouldn't understand that he couldn't seem to let him go. "Let's just get into the Occlumency lesson." Harry glared at him.

"No, Harry," was Snape's reply. "We've made that mistake every time and it hasn't gotten us far. You need to tell me what's bothering you."

Irritation rose in Harry. "You know what's bothering me! Sirius's death, Cedric's death, my parents' death, the prophecy! My destiny! All the usual stuff. Talking about it doesn't help - I'm all talked out!" Harry shouted at him in frustration, his eyes flashing and his face becoming flushed in anger.

"Did you have a nightmare? Is this what is causing your outburst?" Snape asked calmly but pertinently.

Harry took a deep breath, feeling furious that Snape would keep badgering him. He stayed quiet. He heard the chair creak as Snape got up and came over to him.

"I thought we had reached a point where we could at least carry on a civil conversation?"

A grain of guilt entered Harry's conscience as he remembered Snape's Legilimency memories yesterday.

"Sirius," he replied in a voice barely above a whisper. He glanced up at Snape for a moment.

"I see. Am I to understand that the pain of his death has not started to fade a bit?" Snape asked. The anguish in Harry's eyes made the breath catch in his throat for a moment.

Harry stared at his hands again then murmured. "Sometimes I feel fine and then other times I..." He stopped for a minute to take a breath. "I still miss him so much." He paused again. "I keep thinking with this war I will lose more people I care about and I don't think I could stand losing anyone else."

Snape grew thoughtful. In his short life, Harry had never been loved in any way he could remember and he had never loved or felt close to anyone. Finding his godfather, who loved and cared for him, was like finding a lifeline, and for him to lose that lifeline in the way that he did obviously had lasting ramifications. Snape sighed deeply and responded. "You know that in order to move forward you are going to have to start to slowly let him go. Let his spirit fly free, Harry; don't let the pain consume you."

Harry couldn't believe Snape was talking about flying spirits. It was something he expected from Trelawney but certainly not Snape. Still, he listened to his words. Then in a steely voice, he said, "I know you think it's self pity and maybe it is but I don't want to let him go. I don't want to stop thinking about him or remembering him." He stopped to take a shaky breath. Loki, sensing his distress, jumped up on his lap. He started petting him and bent down to bury his face in the cat's soft fur.

"Harry, do you really believe that if you stop thinking about him you'll just forget him? We both know he meant more to you than that. I'm not saying you should stop remembering him, but when you do, think of the happy times you shared, not what happened at the end. By focusing on the end you are only focusing on the pain."

Harry finally lifted his face, his eyes sparking bright. Snape swallowed heavily. "I want you to think about something for me. I want you to think about the Dark Lord and everything he has done. Aren't you angry at him? He single-handedly killed your parents, he tried to kill you a number of times, he ordered Cedric to be killed, Padma and Colin, and one of his Death Eaters killed Black and almost all of your friends. If I were you I'd be furious. Channel that anger, Harry. Don't bottle it up; let it build inside of you and release it when we do Occlumency." He had stood up halfway through his words and beckoned for Harry to rise also. He pointed his wand, and shouted, "Legilimens." as Harry's eyes flashed with fire.

As the spell hit him, Harry saw Voldemort's inhuman red eyes glowing triumphantly. He forced all the power of hatred he felt at the force trying to invade his mind while keeping all the love for those he held dear, close inside. Suddenly the pain in his head left and he gasped for air and blinked, feeling slightly dizzy. When his vision cleared he stared, dumbfounded, at Snape, who shakily rose to his feet, gasping after having being thrown across the room by the force that exuded from Harry.

"Well done, Potter." He sat down in a chair breathlessly. "That was excellent progress. How are you feeling?"

Harry's mouth felt dry and his body felt numb all over. Being able to do Occlumency he realized, left one feeling empty and strange. He felt emotionless now as if somehow his mind had been erased. "Empty."

"Excellent; I was hoping you would say that. I always knew this was inside you somewhere. Not many who can do Occlumency can take it to that stage. It is one thing to be able to keep others from getting into your head but it is another to make it go blank enough that you can insert whatever it is you want the other person to believe. Empty is exactly how you should be feeling. Now is the time to concentrate on something you would like me to see, if I were to perform Legilimency on you. Something that is not real. Let's give it a try."

Harry tried to think of something just before Snape cast the spell. The only thing he could think of that wasn't real at that moment was Sirius being alive, Sirius having a conversation with him, Sirius supporting him.

Snape ended the spell, his dark eyes wide with disbelief. "That was remarkably well done. If I didn't know better I would think Black was still alive. You can be proud of yourself -dash you have truly mastered Occlumency. Congratulations."

Much to Snape's dismay, Harry flinched, his head dropped and his hands came up to cover his face.

Snape's praise hazily registered in his mind when suddenly an overwhelming pressure consumed him, his eyes burned, his throat closed and the emotion exploded in a rush of tears. His hands came up to cover his face as he stood there trying with all his might to suppress the raw, gnawing ache that was consuming him.

He could feel Snape's hand on his shoulder but he tore away, stumbling backwards until he hit the wall. He stood there trembling, desperately trying to get his overwhelming and unexpected emotions under control.

"Potter. . . Harry, try and take some deep breaths. You're fine, you just need to breathe," Snape said to him softly. He didn't know what had caused Harry to be so upset but he was worried that Harry would start hyperventilating.

With a groan Harry sank to the floor. He suddenly felt very tired as he crossed his arms and took some deep, gulping breaths of air.

Snape sat down across from him, his eyes wide and worried. "What just happened here?"

Harry took a raspy deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut tightly.

"You should be proud of yourself - many grown wizards have never been able to master Occlumency."

A ragged breath from Harry was his only answer.

Snape reached out again tentatively and put his hand on Harry's head, stroking the messy black hair. "Tell me what's wrong."

Harry just looked up at him with resentful eyes before dropping his head in his hands again.

"Talk to me," Snape tried again.

"Leave me alone, please," came Harry's quiet, soggy voice.

"I will once you tell me what happened," Snape insisted quietly.

Harry refused to respond; his heart literally ached.

"Is this about Sirius?" Snape probed.

Harry took another deep, ragged breath and after another minute he quietly explained. "I should have learned this last year. If I had, Sirius wouldn't be dead!"

Snape exhaled loudly and impatiently. "You don't know that. The Dark Lord would likely have come up with something else and the result might have been the same."

Harry leapt to his feet. "But it wasn't and he's dead!"

Snape stood up also, his dark eyes piercing Harry's. "Yes, he is dead - and you need to accept it and move forward."

The pained look that crossed Harry's face made Snape's gut clench. He stepped closer, forcing Harry into his arms. The black-haried teen stood there limply as if the reality of the words had sucked all the energy out of him.

"You can't blame yourself forever, anymore than you can change what happened. Mastering Occlumenct is quite an achievement; I was excited to see it happen, I failed to think how it would make you feel in relation to last year's events. But Harry, you know how proud Black is of you, as are the rest of us."

Harry trembled slightly. He stepped back out of Snape's embrace, wiping his face. "Do you think he knows?"

Snape nodded, his dark eyes intense.

Harry sighed, finally looking up. "Sorry about all this."

"I understand. I wish it hadn't been so painful for you. Harry, the grieving processt doesn't disappear in a week, month or even a year, those who study it say it takes three years for the full healing and acceptance to take place. I know you are deeply worried about the prophecy and I know you will forever be affected by the circumstances of your parents' deaths and the events surrounding Cedric's death. But Harry, the more time I spend with you, the more I start to believe that perhaps you do have a chance at defeating the Dark Lord."

Harry shook his head. He hated hearing that everyone believed in him so much when all he could think about was losing everyone through his actions. "How exactly am I supposed to defeat him? Can you tell me that? Everyone thinks I can do it but no-one will tell me how!" Anger entered his voice again.

"You know I can't tell you that because I don't know. But the force that can defeat him is, I believe, somewhere inside of you. I know this is a huge burden but one day you will be free of it. You need to prepare yourself for this fight by following your deepest instinctual drive. That will keep you alive and hopefully those you care about also."

Harry visibly calmed and grew quiet for a few moments. He then looked up at Snape, his eyes serious. "Do you have to keep on being a Death Eater?"

Snape looked puzzled, thrown by the sudden question. "Yes, I do; why are you asking?"

Ignoring his question, Harry continued. "Why do have to keep doing it?"

Snape grew uncomfortable under Harry's stare. He looked away. "Because it is my contribution to the light and it is my atonement for the things I have done."

"I don't want you to die," Harry explained quietly.

Snape looked back into the earnest eyes. "I don't want you to die, either. So I guess, Potter, we both had better stay alive," he responded gruffly.

Harry nodded, looking at Snape worriedly.

"Follow your instincts, Harry; don't let anything or anyone sway you."

Harry studied the dark eyes that looked at him with a caring warmth and smiled softly, the pain in his heart starting to ease a little bit.

Snape saw the soft smile on Harry's face. He was amazed at what he was feeling. He actually felt proud of Harry. After despising him for all of these years, he found himself caring deeply about him and wanting to do whatever he needed to in order to keep him healthy, physically and emotionally. He was glad that Dumbledore had persuaded him to teach him again. If he hadn't, he would never have had this opportunity to end up caring for the green-eyed teen. Lily's son. Lily would have been so proud.

Proud of both of them.

The thought brought a rare smile to Snape's lips as he looked at Harry. "I'm proud of you, Potter, and I'm glad that I was the one who taught you Occlumency. Now go and have some fun with your friends - classes start tomorrow."

Harry smiled wryly as he headed to the door. Just before he exited he turned and softly said, "I'm glad you did, too."