Solstice

Chapter 21 - broken spirit

WARNING: MEMORIES OF VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

"Ringing through the land. Bringing peace to all the world. And goodwill to man

The Baron made Snoopy fly to the Rhine. And forced him to land behind the enemy lines. Snoopy was certain that this was the end. When the Baron cried out, "Merry Christmas, my friend!'

The Baron then offered a holiday toast. And Snoopy, our hero, saluted his host. And then with a roar they were both on their way. Each knowing they'd meet on some other day.

Christmas bells those Christmas bells. Ringing through the land. Bringing peace to all the world and goodwill to man."

Snoopy versus the Red Baron

Copyright, the Royal Guardsmen, from the album "Snoopy's Christmas"

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The smells from the kitchen made everyone's stomach growl.

Draco followed Snape in and grabbed a chair beside him. Hermione and Ron wondered what had happened. First Harry had come in, his green eyes looking a little teary, and now Draco's grey eyes were rimmed in red.

Harry sat down beside Ron, loading up his plate. "Harry, are you all right?" asked Ron.

Harry looked at him and into Hermione's concerned face and smiled softly. "Yeah." Then added, "I'll tell you later."

Draco reached for a heaping plate of eggs. Snape's arm shot out, restraining him.
"You won't be able to keep those down. Might I suggest toast or oatmeal?" Snape said softly.

Draco sighed. "I'm so sick of oatmeal and I hate toast."

"Very well, you can try them, but in a small quantity. I'd rather you just had toast this morning and then tried some of the main Christmas meal."

Draco grinned. "I'll have some of the Christmas meal too."

Snape's eyes narrowed. "You may be feeling better but I don't think your stomach has caught up to you yet. If this makes you sick, I insist you lie down for an hour before lunch and get some rest."

"Fine, but I won't get sick."

Everyone else dug into the delicious breakfast. Hagrid amused everyone with his tale on how he had brought a Sabertooth Exanther kitten home one Christmas when he was small and how it had gotten out of his room and eaten the entire uncooked Christmas dinner overnight. He had to take it back to its mother on Christmas morning. He looked teary-eyed at the memory.

After the breakfast they headed out to the tree. There were the usual jumpers from Mrs. Weasley and lots of chocolates and treats from Honeydukes. Fred and George included a few of their gag toys. Hagrid gave Harry a book on enchanted creatures of the light. Hermione opened a present from Harry and discovered a lovely bracelet with cat charms on it. From Ron she got a new quill set. Ron opened his present from Hermione and found some really cool thin gloves. She explained that they were for Quidditch and all the latest rage. Harry pointed to a present beside the tree. Ron brought it over and almost hyperventilated when he opened the latest edition Firebolt broomstick. "Bloody hell Harry, are you crazy?"

Harry shrugged, laughing. "We'll be unstoppable on the Quidditch field."

He opened Hermione's present and also found a pair of Quidditch gloves.

"Harry, about your present..." Ron started.

"It's ok, Ron, I don't need anything. Besides, I got a present today that I want to share with you both." He pulled out the paper declaring Sirius' innocence.

"Oh Harry." Hermione hugged him. "I'm sure that wherever he is right now, he's happy."

"That's great, Harry. I was hoping this would somehow happen at some point." Ron squeezed his shoulder. "But what I was saying before about your present, I couldn't think of what to get you so I combined my present with something extra that Hermione had for you."

Hermione smiled softly. "I hope it's ok, we thought you should have them."

Ron pulled a package out from deep under the tree.

Harry looked at it curiously and tore of the wrapping paper. He realized it was a photo album similar to the one Hagrid had given him in his first year.

With his heart racing, he opened it and found picture after picture of Sirius and himself and Ron and Hermione last Christmas. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep the tears that had welled up from leaking out.

"Ron and I had taken almost a full roll of film. I got it developed this past summer and was looking for the right time to give it to you. Think of the happy times, Harry; they'll always be with you." Hermione hugged him.

Draco opened his own presents with Snape at his side. He also had a lot of chocolates, which he knew he couldn't eat yet. He opened a package with a handsome dark blue sweater from Professor McGonagall. The note on it said: "To add a wee bit of colour to your usually black and grey wardrobe." He looked over at her and smiled his thanks.

Snape got up and brought him a broomstick-shaped package. Draco opened it and to his amazement found a Firebolt broomstick. "I figure as soon as you are better you can give Potter a run for his money on the Quidditch field."

"Thanks, Draco said softly. "When do you think I can play Quidditch again?"

Snape laughed softly. "Slow down, you need to wait at least another two weeks."

Snape looked over at Harry. "Draco, I'll be back in a moment." He got up and went into his room and then over to Harry. He handed him a present.

Harry opened it and discovered a book, an old ancient book, 'Defense Against The Dark Arts with a special section on Occlumency'.
"Thanks, Professor Snape."

"You're welcome. I have a favour to ask you. Draco wants to take Occlumency. I thought for the first lesson I could combine it with yours. I would perform Legilimens on him so he grasps what it is all about and what happens, then I would perform it on you. This would allow him to see some of your memories and perhaps finally end this blinding jealousy he has of you. It would help him to move on and commit him to stay on the side of light." Snape's dark eyes looked worried, as if he expected a negative reply.

Harry looked over at Malfoy, who was holding a package and looking rather pale. He knew how much it meant for Snape to steer Malfoy to the light. He thought back to when he had seen him crying on Snape's shoulder, then to when they had found him half dead in the snow, and lastly when he blurted out that Lucius had been the one who beat him. Malfoy obviously needed help and if Snape thought it would help him maybe he could do it.

"He's not really well yet. Are you sure he can handle it?" Harry asked, glancing over at Malfoy again.

"No I don't think he's well enough but he really wants this and after everything that's happened to him, I think it might in the long run help him deal with it. I've warned him what to expect."

"Can you trust him with what he might see?"

"Yes. I have no doubt," Snape assured him.

"Ok," Harry replied, feeling slightly sick. The thought that Malfoy would see his worst memories might inspire him to learn Occlumency faster.

"Thank you, Harry. Four o'clock in my office tomorrow."

As soon as Snape left, Ron asked, "Harry are you sure about this? Malfoy of all people?"
"It will be ok I think."

When Snape stepped away, Draco noticed another package. He reached for it - and froze. It was his usual package of sweets and treats from his mother. They never meant anything, always just for show to prove he was the pampered and much-loved Malfoy heir. He threw the package back under the tree. Just then a wave of nausea swept over him. He winced, trying to fight back the urge to throw up. He scrambled to his feet and left the room as fast as he could. He barely made it around the corner when he fell to his knees and his breakfast came up. He felt awful, the tightness in his chest grew and he broke out in a sweat. He felt unwanted again. Snape noticed Draco run out and followed him. He whipped out his wand, and made the mess disappear.

"Come on, I'll help you to your room and give you some potion," Snape said quietly.

Trembling, with his stomach cramping and a cold chill sweeping over him, Draco let Snape lead him up the stairs to his room.

Hermione had noticed as Draco turned white as a sheet and left the room with Professor Snape following closely. She got up and followed in time to see him leading Draco back to his room. He didn't look well.

When, a few moments later Snape came back down again without Draco, Hermione went up the stairs to her room and retrieved a package. She had bought it for Draco yesterday during a quick trip to Yuletown. She had hesitated over whether to give it to him or not but seeing him still sick and pale prompted her to give him the present. She didn't want to embarrass him by giving it to him in front of anyone so she quietly knocked on his door.

"Come in," came his soft reply.

"Hi, are you feeling ok?" she asked.

He was lying in his bed under a thick flannel comforter. "I've been better."

"Look, I bought you something when I was in Yuletown yesterday. It's a silly gift really but when I saw it..." She stopped and shrugged. "I don't know; something made me buy it for you." She handed him the package.

His eyes narrowed as he slowly pulled himself into a sitting position. He tore the paper off and found a stuffed animal. It was a Swedish Short Snout dragon, blue-grey in colour.

He couldn't help smiling. "It's cute."

"Well I thought, with everything that's happened, it might be a nice reminder that your name stands for dragon. And, well, dragons are strong and powerful and can conquer just about anything." She smiled back at him.

A flood of warmth shot through his heart. No one had ever done anything so sweet for him before. Pansy had always fawned all over him but this gift from Hermione touched his heart. He wanted to hug the fuzzy toy to him but didn't want to appear juvenile in front of her.

"Thanks, Hermione."

She smiled at him again, her dark eyes sparkling. She sighed. "I'm glad you like it. I thought you'd think it was silly and call me nasty names."

He grinned. "No; I'd rather not get slapped again."

She looked abashed. "Sorry about that."

He shook his head. "I was rather rotten."

"Well, yes, you were." She laughed. "I better go and let you get some rest. Will you come back for the Christmas meal?"

He nodded.

"Good."

After she left, Draco curled up on his side, cuddling his dragon close while Loki lay down beside him on the pillow purring him to sleep.

Hours later, Draco woke up. He found his gifts minus the one from his mother on the chair next to him. He put on some grey slacks and the new dark blue sweater and slowly made his way down.

He ran into Snape on the way. "I was just coming to get you. Are you feeling better?" Snape asked looking concerned.

Draco nodded, smiling.

"Good, you'd better take the potion before you start on this feast."

After downing the contents of the vial, Draco sat down at the large table between Snape and Hermione. Professor McGonagall smiled at him, noticing that he was wearing his new sweater.

"Hey, Malfoy, after this meal do you want to see if you can beat me at chess?" Weasley challenged.

"Well, Weasley, I happen to be great at chess so you're on," Draco replied.

Just as Dumbledore was raising his glass for a toast, Snape whispered to Draco, "You and Potter will share an Occlumency lesson at four o'clock tomorrow afternoon in my office."

Draco looked up at Potter, who was watching him. When Dumbledore spoke, "Happy Christmas to all!" grey eyes looked into green eyes and glasses were raised in salute.

After spending a fun Christmas afternoon playing games, eating good food and drinking Butterbeer, the Hogwarts group retired for one more peaceful night in their rustic rooms. The following morning Dumbledore portkeyed them back to Hogwarts.

Snape insisted that Draco spend a good part of the day in bed. He explained the Legilimens spell again and warned him that both he and Potter would see some of his worst memories. He tried once again to talk him out of it but Draco held fast. He then counseled Draco as to how to clear his mind so he could attempt to ward the spell off. As four o'clock rolled around they met in Snape's office. Draco walked in just as Harry was thanking Snape for the Christmas gift he had given him. "I understand it a lot better now. Thanks for the book."

A tightness formed in Draco's chest again. He hated that Snape was giving Potter presents.

Draco came to stand in front of them. The coldness was back in his eyes, not an inch of fear on his face.

Snape's heart ached just looking at him and knowing what he was about to face.

"Draco, are you sure you are ready?" Snape warned.

"Yes, bring it on." Draco stood there, defiance burning from his icy eyes. If Potter could do it, he, a Malfoy, would do it better.

Harry looked at him, worried. "Malfoy, it's not as easy as you think. It's hard and you'll feel things that - "

"Just shut up, Potter!" He sneered at Harry arrogantly, cutting him off.

Snape sighed. "Draco, listen, Harry is right. This will be extremely hard on you. He and I will see things you would likely rather we didn't. You won't be able to ward me off like you are thinking you can."

He hated that Snape had called Potter, Harry. Draco narrowed his eyes at him. "Stop comparing me to Potter."

Pity and anger welled up simultaneously in Snape. He had hoped some the Malfoy arrogance had worn off and a touch of humility had taken its place but he could see he was wrong. Draco insisted on hanging on to his old façade, making this experience much harder on him than it needed to be. He sighed again. Draco would be learning this lesson the hard way.

He spoke softly. "Harry, come here and grip the wand with me. Draco, on the count of three, prepare yourself and clear your mind, and use your wand and your mind to try to stop me."

He gave him a moment to prepare. Then, "One, two, three, Legilmens."

In the first flash they saw Narcissa Malfoy yelling at Lucius. "You have your precious heir, he is entirely your responsibility! I want nothing to do with him; I never wanted children!"

Lucius shouted back, "In the future you will at least play the doting mother in public!"

"Fine, but that's where it ends!" she hissed coldly. A small three-year-old blond boy listened at the door.

In the next flash, they saw Lucius storming into a bedroom, roughly dragging along the same four-year-old version of the small blond child. "But I wanna play some more!" he whined. Lucius sat on the bed and dragged the small struggling boy over his knees. In an icy, controlled voice he spat as he accentuated each word with a hard smack. "Draco, you disobeyed me. I told you before that you are not to ever play with Muggles or Mudbloods! They are filthy." He then pulled him up to face him, gripping his arms tightly. "If I ever see or hear of you associating with a Muggle or Mudblood again your punishment will not be as soft, do you understand?" Draco, his tear-filled gray eyes wide with fear, hysterically sobbed as he cowered. "Yeess, I - I sorry, Father."

The third image showed Lucius forcibly holding an eight-year-old version of the same blond boy with tears running down his face over the bloody, bruised body of a dying elf.

The next image flashed to Lucius savagely lashing fourteen-year-old Draco with a whip. "Granger beats you in every class and Potter won the Triwizard Tournament and thwarted the Dark Lord; what were you doing during all of this?"

The last image was behind the Shrieking Shack. Draco, bleeding from the mouth, was on his knees, gasping at Lucius, "I wish you weren't my father! I wish Professor Snape was!" Lucius raised his staff.

Snape, in shock, had dropped his wand; he scrambled to pick it up and shakily ended the spell. He would have ended it much earlier but he had been frozen by the brutality of Draco's memories. He felt sick from what he had seen. He shook his head, trying to clear the memories of his own childhood that had been stirred. He couldn't believe what Draco had said to Lucius in that last memory.

Trembling, he went over to Draco, who had fallen flat on the floor.

Draco found himself on the floor with tears running down his face, sobbing weakly. He felt again every beating Lucius had inflicted on him during these memories, every cruel word making him feel useless and unworthy of the Malfoy name. Every disdainful look his mother had ever cast on him as he tried to go to her for comfort. But worst of all Professor Snape had made him experience all this and Potter now knew almost everything.

He felt Snape lift him but he hysterically fought against him. "How could you do this and in front of him?" He choked out.

Draco's face was flushed and he was trembling uncontrollably. He started sobbing wildly, trying desperately to get up and flee the room.

Snape's arms went around him trying to comfort him. "Shhhh, Draco; remember that you wanted to do this. You need to calm down; you're going to make yourself sick. I know that was very hard on you - that's why we both warned you - but it's going to be ok; they are just memories. None of this will ever happen again."

"Let me go! I HATE YOU for doing this to me! I HATE YOU!" Draco's voice trailed off as he gasped for air, weakly striking at Snape. He was in a panic. His chest ached badly, he couldn't breathe and his heart raced. He couldn't stop shaking and his legs wouldn't hold him up. All that kept going through his mind was that Snape had knowingly forced him to relive some of the worst memories of his life and he had invited Potter to watch.

"Draco! We talked about this; you were ok with it!" Snape replied sternly, grabbing his hands.

"NO! THIS wasn't supposed to happen!" he replied with heart-wrenching sobs, doubling over. He had thought he could ward off Snape before Potter saw any of his memories but it all happened too fast.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Draco, I am so sorry."

He looked up through tear-filled eyes. It was Potter's hand on his shoulder. Potter's green eyes shimmered with tears. He asked softly, "Why didn't you tell someone? So many people would have helped you. All this time I thought you worshipped your father."

He wasn't ready to accept pity from Potter. How dare he tell him what to do! Draco shook his hand off and burst out, "I love my father!" He sobbed. "I loved him." His head dropped as he cried harder and his breathing became more laboured.

"Potter, stay with him; I need to get a potion," Snape ordered as he hurried over to his cupboard.

Harry moved closer, putting an arm around the shaking blond boy's shoulders.

Draco tried to pull away but Potter gripped him harder. He caught his breath temporarily, feeling the need to explain. "My father wasn't always like that; sometimes he's proud of me and he never let anyone else hurt me."

Tears spilled over Harry's face as his heart ached from the incredible pain that radiated from Draco. In a strained voice he said, "Draco, a father shouldn't treat his son like that."

Golden Boy with the charmed life had no right to tell him how a father should behave. Anger entered the narrowed red-rimmed gray eyes. "How would you know? You don't even have one!" He choked out, gasping for breath.

Harry felt a stab of pain in his heart.

Snape came back lifted Draco's chin up, forcing a vial of potion into his mouth. He coughed and tried to spit it out but Snape held his mouth shut so that he couldn't. He immediately grew quiet and closed his eyes as Snape and Harry held him.

Snape sighed heavily, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on Draco's blond hair for a moment. He had always thought of Draco as a son but had never realized Draco might have considered him as a father figure. Hearing him say those words to Lucius had almost knocked him to his knees. No wonder Lucius had reacted as he did.

He gently put an arm under Draco's shoulders and knees, picked him up and carried him into the other room onto the bed, putting a warmth package under his shoulders.

"I gave him a rather large dose of calming potion. He was hystercial - obviously this was too much for him to handle all at once; I should never have allowed it."

Snape put a blanket over him and they went to the other room with the fireplace.

Harry looked at him shakily. "He's going to hate me even more now for having seen this."

Snape shook his head. "I think I'll be taking the brunt of his anger for this." He knew how hurt Draco was and at first he would react rather than remember how much he had warned him what Occlumency and Legilimens was all about. He would need to make Draco see how his arrogance had kept him from really listening.

He looked at Potter. "He'll likely stay away from you for a while; he's humiliated and embarrassed by what you saw. When he calms down he'll realize you offered him sympathy and you cared - deep down he will remember that once the initial shock, anger and embarrassment wears off. When we allow him to see your memories I'm hoping an understanding will slowly build. You have to give him time, though. Don't expect any visible compassion or empathy from him. He may feel it but I highly doubt he'll show that to you. A lifetime of striving for the Dark to please his father isn't going to disappear in a day or two. It will take time." Snape took a breath, clearing his throat.

Harry noticed how badly Snape trembled. Malfoy's words to Lucius must have shocked him. He knew how sick and awful he felt seeing Draco's memories and then his reactions afterwards, and he could only imagine how Snape must feel.

"Are you ok, Professor Snape?"

Snape's dark eyes lit on him with a touch of surprise. He quietly answered, "I'm fine, Harry."

Harry's compassion once again floored him. Knowing how pitiful his own childhood had been and knowing how badly he was still grieving in addition to the enormous burden placed on him, the fact that Potter could still be compassionate was almost a miracle in itself. No wonder he had thwarted the Dark Lord so many times.

"Thank you for reaching out to Draco. After all the things he's done over the last five years that couldn't have been easy, Snape responded quietly.

They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the door open and close.