Seamus Finnigan and the Rabid Easter Bunny of Doom!

Seamus Finnigan and the Rabid Easter Bunny of Doom!

Seamus put on his favorite shamrock sweater, along with his shamrock socks, and followed Dean down the stairs to the Common Room. It was Easter, so there were no classes. But he wanted to get down to breakfast in time for the morning mail, so he could pig out on Cadbury eggs and sugar-coated peeps.

Lavender was waiting for them in the Common Room. Seamus thought how Mary Sue-like she looked, with her perfect blonde hair, and her perfect lavender dress. He wondered why they were all wearing regular clothes instead of Hogwarts robes, but he didn't ask for fear of the Author's wrath.

"Look, Lavender. I know we're shipped together. But do you have to fucking follow me everywhere?"

"I just wanted to show you Binky, my rabbit. He's an Easter Bunny!" she giggled in a disturbingly perky way, and held up her pet to show him.

"He looks rabid. Look at those red eyes." Seamus made a sour face.

"He does not!" She hugged the rabbit to her, pouting. "He's a sweet Easter Bunny!"

"Right. And I'm the heir of - wait, I am."

"Umm... hang on... didn't Binky die in Book 3?" Dean asked quietly.

They all looked at each other confusedly.

"We'll just say it's Binky Junior," the Author whispered.

"Right. Well, we'd better get down to the Great Hall," Dean suggested, still looking slightly puzzled..

They started toward the portrait door.

"Are you really going to take that thing along?" Seamus demanded.

"Of course! It is Easter."

Seamus rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything else.

Down in the Great Hall, the tables were already covered with all kinds of delicious breakfast foods. Seamus sat down between Dean and Lavender and dug into a stack of pancakes hungrily.

Lavender picked at her Trix® cereal. She tried to get the rabbit to eat some, but the rabbit was busy glaring at Seamus.

"That thing looks like the rabbit in that muggle Monty Python movie. I feel like it's going to leap at me at any minute."

"Oh, don't be silly. Binky is perfectly harmless."

"That's what King Arthur thought. Just look at those nasty big pointy teeth."

The rabbit continued to glare at Seamus through breakfast. At about nine o'clock, the owls arrived with the mail.

Seamus was tearing away wrappers when something struck him. The rabbit was gone. Lavender was nibbling some Every-Flavor Beans, and apparently hadn't noticed.

Then he saw it. It was leaping almost in slow motion directly at him, with red eyes glowing demonically.

He hollered and startd to duck under the table. But he was too slow, and the rabbit latched onto his neck like a vampire.

"No! Binky! Bad bunny!" Lavender was yelping childishly.

The other Gryffindors gathered around, trying to help Seamus up and to pull the rabbit off of him. Binky let Seamus go, and turned on the others. He leapt from student to student, tearing at them until the Great Hall was a screaming mass of carnage and gore.

"What the hell is going on?" Seamus rasped. "This isn't how the original went!"

"It's the Americanized version, duh!" Dean told him. "Twice the action, twice the fucking cussing, and twice the senseless violence!"

Lavender was screaming and running as her pet chased her between the tables. "Seamus! Help me!"

"Right. Time for me to save the day then, eh?"

Dean nodded.

Seamus pulled himself up in such a way that showed how much pain he was in, but at the same time made him look really cool and brave. He stepped directly between Lavender and the rabbit. "Leave. Her. Alone."

The rabbit squinted at him. Seamus squinted back. He reached behind him and pulled the Sword of St. Patrick out of his sweater.

"Where did that come from?" Dean asked. He ducked a thwap from the Author.

Seamus pointed the sword at the rabbit. The rabbit squinted a moment longer, then cackled.

"Rabbits can't cackle!" yelled Ron, who was having a dramatic We-Might-Die-and-there's-Something-I-Should-Tell-You moment with Hermione.

"They can if they're not rabbits!" yelled the Author.

Sure enough, the rabbit transformed - into none other than Voldemort himself. He drew his wand.

"So, boy. You think you can kill me with that toothpick? Me, LORD VOLDEMORT?"

"This is the sword that killed your ancestor, you slimy son of a bitch."

Voldemort cackled. "I am invincible!"

Hermione stepped up next to Seamus, and read a passage from a large book. "Evil Overlord Rule number 30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line 'No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)" She shut the book pointedly, and looked smugly up at Voldemort.

"Well, you heard the girl," Seamus shrugged. He leapt forward and swung the sword at Voldemort. In one quick stroke the Dark Lord's head was on the floor, and his body soon fell over on top of it.

"Well that was easy," said Harry. "All that with scars and wands and potions, and all I had to do was chop his head off!"

"Never ask a Brit to do an Irish fellow's job!" Seamus declared. He struck a very cool Hero pose and put the sword away. "My lady," he extended a hand to help Lavender up.

"Oh, Seamus." She stood up, and they had their first kiss. Dramatic music played, and the camera pulled back in that way that showed that it was the end.