The Black Box

CHAP # 2: Potions with Professor Pink.

Harry Potter woke up with a terrible headache. Yesterday had been some night. He staggered out of bed, nearly tripping over Seamus where he lay on the floor, snoring. He looked around the common room in horror. Chainsaws, hammers, and axes lay abandoned; hangings were torn off and bedding pulled onto the floor; peoplelay underfoot, seemingly unconscious; there was confetti everywhere: funny, he didn't remember confetti ... oh well. Harry shrugged and went off to change.

Harry: (pantpant)

Seamus: (pantpant)

Dean: Seamus, don't you look hot panting. (pantpant) Rowrrr.

Ron: (pantpant) Kill me now!

Seamus: (pulling out a pink chainsaw from his satchel) Okay (pantpant)

Chainsaw: GrrrrrrRRRRRRRrrrrRRRRRrrr

Harry: (bonking Seamus on the head) NO! Why in hell are you carrying that?? (pantpant)

Chainsaw: GrrrrrrrRRRRRRrrrRRRRrrrrrr

Seamus: (pantpant) I don't know. It's pretty.

(He tosses the pink chainsaw behind him. It hits Snape on the head, who was also late and was rushing to class)

Snape: Gunngghh(faints)

Chainsaw: Grrrrrnnnnuuauuaaaahhh.....(dies out)

Ron: Did anyone hear something?

Dean: Yes. Our doom stampeding towards us.

Ron: Huh?

Harry: Here we are. (pulls open the door to Snape's dungeon, and they all peer in, confident that they are going to be charbroiled with extra grease.)

Seamus: (in wonder) Snape's not here!

(They all troop in. The Slytherinsare gathered at one end of the room, they are loudly and heatedly discussing something. Suddenly, Draco emerges from the middle of the group. His arm is in a huge fuchsia sling. The sling has hearts drawn all over it.)

Draco: Ow Ow. Scarface, you have marked my fair and lovely skin. I shall have my revenge!! (laughs evilly) Sic him Rover!!!!

(Draco steps aside. From behind him, Millicent Bulstrode rushes out, looking like an extremely ugly baby elephant. )

Millicent Bulstrode: (charging towards Harry) SNORT!!!!!SNORT!!!!!

Harry: (running away) Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Ron: Draco, you creepy gay freak!! (He pulls out his wand. It has unicorn hair poking out the front.) PetrificusTotalus!! (There is a loud bang and Ron flies off backwards, slamming into Dean and Seamus, who are comparing notes on waxing charms. The wand in his hand starts letting off pink bubbles)

Parvati: He is not gay!

Ron: (dazed) Hee Hee. Bubblies.

Dean + Seamus: (*shrugshrug*)

Millicent Bulstrode: SNORT!!!

Harry: Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Draco: Yo babe, wanna sign my cast??

Hermione: OOoohh yes!!

Draco: I wasn't talkin' to you: I was talkin' to the babe. (Rolls his eyes) Duh.

Parvati: Really Draco, you flatter me.

Draco: Huh? Who're you?

Blaise: Come on, Draco... (she hangs onto his arm.)

Draco: Don't crumple the robes, babe. (He shakes her off and they saunter away)

Millicent Bulstrode: SNORT!!!

Harry: Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Parvati: (starts sobbing wildly)

Hermione: (looks like she is about to do the same, but instead kicks the black box and climbs up onto Snape'sdesk. Ron who has just regained his senses catches a glimpse of her granny knickers and starts skipping around the classroom, singing about bunnies and bubblies.)

Hermione: Okay, listen up everyone.

Back Box: (quietly giggles, but no one hears)

Millicent Bulstrode: SNORT!!

Harry: Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

Ron: (skipskip) ... bubblies, lalalala, bubblies, bunnies, heee hee ... (skipskip)

Parvati: I am ruined!!! Bwooohoohoo!! He...he....

Draco: MMmmmmmMMm....

Blaise: Yummy dummy, mmmmmmMMmmm....

Dean: About that charm, it works wonders...no, really, I heard Viktor Krum used it and he has TWO BROWS NOW!!!!

Seamus: NO!!! Really? Wow!!

Hermione: (waves a little) Ummm...people?

Black Box: YO PPL!!! Listen to the lady, will you???

Snape: (staggers in) Guuhhhssddddff.... (hangs onto the door)

Ron: (skips past, trailing pink bubbles) ....lalalaa bubblies lala fluffy luffy lala ...

Snape: (holds up a hand) Mr. Weasley!

Harry: Uh-oh.

Snape: Let me join you!!!! (twirls around, then does a jete) LaLaLAAAAAAA... (turns the classroom walls pink) bubblies bubblieslolalalaaa...

Parvati: (Cheers up) Cool. (Turns all the desks into pink fluffy armchairs) HeeHee. This is fun!!

Neville and Lavender walk in.

Neville: Oh wow! I'm having that recurring dream again!!

Lavender: Huh?

Neville: You know, my dream...

Lavender: What dream?

Neville (frowning) : Have you forgotten your lines or something? You're supposed to say: "Come here cuddle-monkey", and then we go shag on Snape's pink fluffy desk!!!

Lavender: You pervy freak!! (Bonks him on the head with her makeup bag)

Neville joins Ron and Snape in skipping around the classroom.

Dumbledore pushes open the door with one toe.

Dumbledore: oO

(Ron skips past, trailing pink bubbles, followed by Snape doing ballet leaps and twirls, his cloak now a putrid shade of purple. They are trailed by Neville who is stumbling round and round singing "the happy song")

Dumbledore: oO

(Harry runs past him, screaming rather hoarsely now, followed by Millicent Bulstrode snorting like a killer boar on speed)

Dumbledore: oO

(Dumbledore takes in the pink walls, the fluffy armchairs, Draco and Blasie rolling around on the floor, Parvati having a pink fetish, Dean waxing Seamus' legs, Crabbe sampling beakers from a cabinet labeled "Potentially Fatal" Goyle sleeping on top of a squashed-looking cupboard, the Slytherins ransacking Snape's "Potion Ingredients

for Dark Uses" cupboard, and the Black Box quietly giggling away in a corner of the room. The Black Box brings a confused yet worried look to his face.)

Dumbledore: oOoO.............STOP!!!

Everyone stops doing what they're doing and stares at him. Crabbe falls over backwards. Dumbledore shakes his head and petrifies Millicent Bulstrode. He puts a sedating charm on Snape, Ron, and Neville. He puts Crabbe on a levitating stretcher. Then he sends them off to the Infirmary with Harry. Then he locks Snape's cupboard and, frowning excessively over it, he picks up the Black Box and leaves.

Dumbledore (hunching over the Box in his arms as he walks down the corridor): How did YOU get here? Naughty naughty... But never mind that. (giggle) We're going to have fun, we are.