The Black Box

The Black Box

Author: Rym Poe

Chap1: Karaoke Night In the Gryffindor Dorm.

Harry (lugging a large black box onto his bed and ripping off the hangings): Yo dudes! It's karaoke night!

Seamus (half asleep): I like kitties.

Ron: Karaoke? What's karaoke?

Seamus: I like kitties!

Harry: It's where everybody sings.

Ron: Oh cool. (bursts into song) - And everybody SIIINGG!!!! One love! For a mother's cry -

Seamus: I like - (Naked Dean crawls out of the covers next to Seamus and stomps on his head)

Harry: I am blinded!! (he topples off his bed)

Ron: One love - for staying alive ... I will survive!

Dean climbs out of Seamus' bed and starts putting on boxers covered with camels.

Ron (looking gobsmacked): You're ......... naked!

Dean (Pats his shoulder): Well, aren't you Captain Obvious!

Ron (looking green): ...Captain?

Seamus: (singing) Oh Captain, my Captain, a sad day has come ...

Harry (now wearing dark glasses and shaking Neville awake): Come on, NevvyPoo, it'sKaraoke Night!

Neville: Gunnghhmuumm...

Seamus: I like -

Everybody: Don't say it!

Seamus: (now finally awake) Wh-aat? (in a whiny voice)

Neville: Trevor?

Harry: No, Harry Potter, Boy Wonder.

Dean hands Seamus a pair of boxers like his own. Seamus climbs out of bed and starts putting them on)

Ron: (gobsmacked) You're ......... naked!!

Dean: (rolling his eyes) I believe we've been over this.

Seamus: Can I sing first? Please? Please?

Harry: Go ahead.

Seamus: (Wraps Harry's red bed-hangings around himself like a dress, and starts singing) A dream ... is a wish ... your heart makes ... (The black box starts playing the music to "It's Getting Hot In Here")

Seamus: (in a very loud voice): When ... you're fast asleep ... (music gets louder)

Harry bonks the black box. It shuts up. Dean bonks Seamus. Seamus bonks him back. The black box bonks Harry. Harry looks really surprised. Seamus and Dean start kissing. Ron faints.

Neville: Can I sing now?

Harry: (trying to ignore Seamus and Dean) You might as well.

Neville: (in a very small, barely audible voice) You treat me like a rose ... you give me room to grow ...

Dean and Seamus stop snogging to stare at him.

Ron awakens just as Harry decides that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is inevitable. Harry is extremely relieved.

The entire room is quiet.

Neville: (starts singing louder) you shine the light of love on me ... you give me air so I can breathe ... (Neville starts wriggling his arse) ... you open doors that close ... (the dorm door opens and two faces peer in) ...in a world where anything goes ... (Neville is now on his knees on Harry's bed, belting out the lyrics) ... just like a rose ... OSE ... ROSSSEEEE!!! (Neville breaks off at a crescendo, blinks, and looks around as if he doesn't know where he is.)

Everyone starts clapping.

The dorm door opens fully, and Lavender rushes in, knocking Seamus into Ron's lap, and jumps on Neville.

Lavender: NevvyPoo!! I KNEW you loved me!

Hermione: (who was right behind Lavender, wearing pink bunny-printed flannel pajamas, with hands on hips) WHAT is going on here?!

Ron knocks Seamus off his lap, catches sight of Hermione, and tips over backwards.

Ron: The horror!! Oh, the horror!!

Lavender: NevvyBums, how did you know I was standing outside the door?

Neville: (looking flustered) Actually... I was hoping Trevor would hear me and come back home...

Lavender: (screaming like a banshee) PIG!!!! ASS!! TOAD LOVER!!! I HATE YOU!!!

Everybody puts their hands on their ears. Lavender runs out of the dorm, sobbing wildly.

Neville: (dreamily) She called me a toad-lover...

Hermione: (in a very bossy voice) You guys! You'll really get into trouble for this! Wait until Ms. McGonagall hears!! (she catches sight of the black box, playing the tune to "It's Getting Hot In Here!") What is that??

Harry: Er. Someone sent it to me. It's a Karaoke Box.

Hermione: That's not a Karaoke Box! It's a very ... powerful ... evil ... Dark Object!!!

Harry: Oh really?

Hermione: Well no. But well-placed paranoia never hurt anyone ... I think you should let Ms. McGonagall strip it down.

Ron: Nooooooooo!

Harry: (singing) It's getting hot in here ... So take off all your clothes ...

Seamus: Okay! (starts taking off his boxers.)

Ron: Noooooooooo!

Harry: I am ... getting so hot ... I wanna take my clothes off ...

Draco Malfoy: What the hell?

Ron: Nooooooooooo!

Everyone stares at Draco, except for Ron who is traumatized and is rolling around on the floor, clawing at his face.

Draco Malfoy: I do not believe this! The Gryffindors are having an orgy!

Harry: What are you doing here?

Draco hides his bunch of mousetraps behind his back: Oh nothing. Just ... why wasn't I invited?

Harry: Oh, it was just a spur-of-the-moment-thing, you know.

Draco: yeah right. I bet you've been planning this for months. (looking around) where's Ginny?

Hermione: (trying not to sound jealous) Why do you wanna know?

Draco: None of your business, Cow Face.

Hermione bursts out crying and runs out.

Lavender: Draco!

Draco: Hello sweetheart. (they start kissing passionately)

Neville bursts out crying and runs out.

Parvati Patil walks in: Draco!! Are you cheating on me?!

Draco: huh? I was never going out with you.

Parvati bursts out crying and runs out.

Draco and Lavender keep on kissing.

Harry: (singing) I may be a tiny chimney sweep, but I've got an enormous broom...

Suddenly, Harry stops singing and stares at Draco and Lavender snogging.

Harry: (slowly) Hey ... he's a Slytherin.

Everyone: So?

Harry: He's an enemy.

Everyone: (realization dawning upon them) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...

Ron: Finally.

Harry: Chainsaws at the ready, people? ATTTTAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

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