The Tough Guide to Harry Potter

H

Hagrid, Rubeus must be a rather ineffective groundskeeper as he so rarely appears in person in HPFH. He seems to go on numerous trips that take him from his duties. We suspect these many sojourns result because his linguistic eccentricities are difficult for your tour guides to write (see Accents). Or maybe he irritates them. His nonappearance should not cause tourists to doubt his existence however, as they will almost certainly need to break into his home with a member of the opposite sex at some point in the tour and an empty house assuredly sets the correct mood. You will have to perform this minor form of housebreaking after you have gotten lost or separated from your professor in the Forbidden Forest during a detention. If you have been caught in a blizzard, you will also have to borrow one or two of his huge shirts. And have to get into a small tussle with your future love over who and how many will be sleeping in his enormous bed. Please remember to be considerate and have the house elves launder his shirts and sheets after you have been rescued. After all, you are a guest in his home.

Hair should only be important when it undergoes miraculous changes. Thus we have Hermione Granger’s hair smoothing out and just curling at the ends. And Severus Snape’s hair being washed and becoming soft and silky. Hair is also a source smell. See voice

Halloween should be regarded with some trepidation by tourists intent on having a tranquil time. Monumentous events take place on Halloween. We cannot really be more specific except to warn you to brace yourself when the jack-o-lanterns come out. Anything you have planned for will inevitably fail to occur. Your tour guides will have cooked up something dramatic and probably highly upsetting. We advise all tourists to take an aspirin and a nap before the banquet. Too much will be going on afterward for you to minister to yourself.

Harry Potter, ironically enough, is a rather secondary Potterian in HPFH. His achievements are often impressive but unseen. They will be referred to by the characters your tour guides are actually interested in. You may often think of him as a sort of nonenzymatic catalyst. He also sometimes provides tragedy and hardship for his friends by dieing (see Draco/Hermione). Curiously, Harry bares an unlikely similarity to Severus Snape in that he will have a burden of guilt. But his is generally less justified as, for some inexplicable reason, he blames himself for the crimesof Voldemort and the rest of the death eaters. This will often inspire a term of exile or incredibly rash but heroic acts which will sometimes lead to catatonia. When he is the main character, he can be seen in two categories (which will then be split again).

PREGRADUATION HARRY

PREDEFEAT OF VOLDEMORT is weighed down by the burden if his duty. He is understandably concerned regarding his own personal safety and down right paranoid about the health and well-being of those around him. He will go on at great length about the need to distance himself from his friends. For their own protection of course. If you are one of his companions, you will fortunately not hear about this because it will be in the form of an internal monologue. He will just begin avoiding you and occasionally trying to drive you away by being rude and crude. Tourists are required to stop him from succeeding at this. Thus you will have a confrontational scene in which you and several canon Potterians declare your love and dedication to him. He will reluctantly accede to your request to stop behaving in such an annoyingly noble manner. But there will be a lot more of those guilt-ridden monologues. Fortuitously all tourists who are not mind readers will be spared from self-flagellating ruminations. To all telepathic tourists, we offer our deepest condolences. If you and Harry are romantically involved, expect no declarations of love until right before he has decided to go and confront Voldemort for the last and final time. This will add to your considerable distress while he is gone. And to compound your worries, will be the requirement of the catatonic fit that almost inevitably follows Harry’s success. Nevertheless, have no fear; your deep and abiding love will no doubt see you through this rather difficult time. See Hermione Granger, Harry/Ginny, and cures

POSTDEFEAT OF VOLDEMORT: This Harry is, unsurprisingly, much more cheerful. Though he may be recovering from the trauma of all of the tragedy and death he has suffered. If most of the canon Potterians have made it through the war however, his only concerns will be grades, girls, and games (order of importance interchangeable between regions). These tours are primarily of a romantic nature. Therefore, tourists who are not involved in a relationship risk becoming a background character or some sort of form of comic-relief. See Ron Weasley and Harry/Ginny

THE ABUSE VICTIM’s life with the Durselys has undergone a dramatic change for the worst. They have begun starving, beating, and/or raping him as well as possibly placing him in a sort of cupboard-under-the-stairs solitary confinement. He will need rescuing by his friends and will have to be psychically massaged out of his catatonicstate or emotional coma. See Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Albus Dumbldore

POSTGRADUATION HARRY

THE CAREER QUIDDITCH PLAYER has been through hell. He is now settling down to enjoy life. He will have undoubtedly earned but not really deserve the reputation of being a playboy. However, all of his early wildness was his way of dealing with the agonies of loss or the burden of fame. What he really needs and desires now is a quiet committed relationship and a steady home life. The Quidditch playing provides him with something to do in between courting his girlfriend and allows her some time to dissect their relationship with her friends. See Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Harry/Ginny

THE AUROR is a man committed to the furtherance of his duty. This Harry is very good at what he does but is rather a workaholic. He is often around as the steady and reliable friend. But he will also involve you in a dangerous scheme to defeat Voldemort or any of those pesky leftover death eaters that linger after the defeat of You-Know-Who (See Lucius and Draco Malfoy). If you book a tour with a romance between you and Auror Harry, expect to have your life threatened. This is how you will meet or get together. Don’t become too preoccupied by the danger you are in. He will save you. He will often take this form as a background character as well. See Harry/Ginny

THE RETURNING EXILE had disappeared from the wizarding world. Presumably to clear his head or as a means of protecting those he holds dear while he defeats Voldemort. When he’s done, you will greet him with a slap and a hug. He will be contrite about all of the worry he has caused you. But don’t expect him to regret his actions. We ask tourists to restrain their tempers and keep it to just that one slap.

THE RECOVERING MENTAL/CURSE PATIENT has vanquished Voldemort at a high price. He will spend most of the tour in bed and be largely unresponsive. Everyone else will be scurrying around trying to find a cure to his incurable malady. We don’t know why they waste time with all of this arm waving. Give him a kiss, declare your love, maybe swing that wand around (make it good as you have been waiting five years for this) and he should be right as rain in no time. See Harry/Ginny, Hermione Granger, and Severus Snape

Harry/Ginny will have a history that includes a Pregraduation Predefeat of Voldemort Harry. It will generally be illustrated by an affecting flashback sequence in which Harry bids his friends and particularly his beloved Ginny a fond farewell before leaving to face his doom. Or Harry will bid an equally affectionate but secret goodbye to Ginny while she slumbers ignorant of the enormity of the sorrow that will descend upon her. Tourists who know Ginny well will now have to prepare themselves and her for entrance into a long and uncomfortably dramatic time in their lives. Here the fault lies with Harry’s insistence upon holding to one of three basic scenarios: summarily killing Voldemort but becoming catatonic, conquering Voldemort but falling into an emotional crisis that demands he live as a muggle for five years, or chasing Voldemort around for five years while everyone else sits on their duffs and keeps the home fires burning. It should be obvious to all tourists that all of these situations require a heroic amount of patience on the part of the long-suffering Ginny and they should be around to prop up her flagging spirits and stop her from giving up to marry Neville. You can assure her that, when Harry returns to her side, he will have been well worth the wait. See cures, pregnancy, sex, and Ron Weasley

Now we will enumerate several smaller points that are typical of a Harry/Ginny tour:

Ron will be displeased at the beginning of the relationship. This will arise from his natural brotherly concern or his fear for her safety, as those who are close to Harry have the unfortunate habit of being killed or at least being put into numerous life threatening situations.

Harry loves Ginny’s hair. It is intimately related to her personality. Thus we have her fiery temper, heart, and hair. This is despite the fact that she seems rather compliant and shy in canon.

Poor Harry will be forced into a more explicit awareness of the fertility situation of his future in-laws than he could possibly desire when he and Ginny have that oh so vital birthcontrol conversation.

Harry/Hermione (Rugi and Gwena have modestly awarded themselves 50 points apiece for carefully reading dozens of these fics after we realized we knew nothing about this ‘ship. It took up a good part of our Friday night and we are feeling very selfless now.)Tourists will be introduced to this relationship by a heartfelt and anguished internal monologue regarding the trials and tribulations of those who are in love with their best friend. It will be love that has grown slowly and naturally. It has crept up upon him/her blossoming unexpectedly into its fullest form. Ron will be the good-natured and sidekick to their relationship. He, due to Female Characters Lack thereof, will have a rather uninteresting and rarely mentioned relationship with LavenderBrown. He will also be conniving to get his stubborn friends together. Tourists will know the tour has reached its conclusion when Harry and Hermione admit their feeling to themselves and the world. It will be smooth sailing from here. Except of course having to defeat Voldemort. See kissing

Healing is one of the most popular special magical gifts your tour guides bestow on their OriginalCharacters and canon Potterians. It’s a way of showing a Potterian is special without introducing moral dilemmas. See Seers, Wandless magic, and Hermione Granger

Hermione Granger is a Potterian ubiquitous to any and every tour. Even tourists who have booked a Marauders package can expect to run into her after she has fallen down the stairs and into the past with her timeturner. The Hermione you can look forward to meeting however is a little hard to specify. She is the tofu Potterian of HPFH. And thus will take on the flavor of whatever region fickle fate and our beloved tour guides have chosen to put her in. Therefore you can expect anything from the anorexic, driven, insecure, student/researcher to the contented housewife who is such a useful friend but not interesting enough to warrant her own region. Thus the varieties of Hermione are myriad and are assuredly not easily categorized. But that is just what we are going to attempt.

THE BITTERLY PRACTICAL RESEARCHER has done extremely well at several prestigious institutions of learning and is highly respected in her field. Nevertheless, the adulation of her peers does nothing for her social life. Her friends have all moved on. They are probably either married or performing tasks in foreign locations that do not encourage long and chatty letters. This Hermione is dissatisfied with her life but also vaguely disgusted with herself for being so. Do not feel too terribly bad when you embroil her in some dangerous research to further your own schemes (Note: You may also require her assistance if you have a tour companion who has managed to fall into a catatonicstate). This is actually just what she needs to get out and about. And it will often make it possible for her to meet another bitterly practical researcher. See Severus Snape/Hermione Granger

THE EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED HEAD GIRL/PREFECT is a woman aware of her own great intelligence. Her life is a trial however because those around her, lacking as they do the wit and keen mind of tECH/P, will either fear her or discount her as nothing but a know-it-all. Hermiones of this variety are desperate to escape from the shackles of their own talents. Unfortunately they tend to do this by having anorexia/bulimia, cutting themselves, and/or having liaisons with Sort of Good Draco Malfoys. Their despondency can also be somewhat justified as her more normal compatriots (i.e. Harry and Ron) have no appreciation for her and also generally ignore her even in the cases where her emotional afflictions result from some horrendous ordeal. Since by definition she has no close friends, you will only be required to feel bad, in a distant sort of way; after all of her little unhealthy idiosyncrasies are revealed to the world. See rape, Draco/Hermione, library, bathrooms, and corridors

THE DEVOTED FRIEND here Hermione is content with her life. She is a friend indeed to those in need. Tourists wrestling with lurid and repelling memories should confess them to tDF. Her shoulder is a soft one and highly water resistant. Think enormous handkerchief (thanks Starlight). When her friends are as content as she is, her only stresses will be her love life and of course aiding Harry on his never-ending quest to avoid getting messily murdered. She is not of course immune to small amounts of angst but they will of a minor and quickly settled nature. If this type of Hermione is grown up she will be a kindhearted, maternal, and either housewifey or steadily-working-at-an-interesting-but-quiet-job background character. See Ron Weasley/Hermione Granger, Harry Potter/Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy

General Hermione facts, which do not really fall into any of the above mentioned categories:

Poor Hermione is the Potterian most likely to become a teenage mother. Tourist should feel even more sorry for her because she always becomes pregnant under extremely extenuating circumstances. She will have been raped and tortured, impregnated by teacher, and/or not be able to admit the pregnancy to the father of the child (or anyone else for that matter). Upon hearing the news, Ron will promptly stomp off after venting his feelings in an extremely insensitive way and Harry will rally round and become an extremely good uncle. See Snape/Hermione

Hermione Granger always bathes late at night. This tends to cause problems. See bathrooms, rape, sex, and pregnancy

The inevitable beautification of Hermione will be affected with the help of either GinnyWeasley or an unnamed American cousin.

Of course this pathetically simplistic description of Hermione Granger could not possibly do her justice so we have listed the appropriate citations that apply to her character. See age with regards to relationships, age of consent, apparating, arithmancy, aurors, bathrooms, catatonic states, childhoods, chocolate, corridors, cures, detention, Draco Malfoy, Draco/Hermione, early education, exile, eyes, female characters lack of, Fleur Delacour, Ginny Weasley, graduation, hair, Harry Potter, Harry/Hermione, Hogwarts: A History, homework, Oh for heaven sake just read the whole guide.

Hexes are useful for revenge and/or for securing detentions. Tourists on Marauders tours can use them in duels if they so desire.

History of Magic, the is good source of information that would have been useful if only you could remember it. Endeavor to ignore the infinitely more diverting antics of those around you. That tidbit of knowledge could save hours of research in the library.

Hogwarts has inexplicably gained the reputation of being a refuge for those dogged by death eaters, Voldemort, crazed relatives, generic evil, and sometimes even just a guilty past. This is puzzling though, because while in Hogwarts you will almost certainly be tortured, raped, kidnapped, killed, or forced to confront your personal demons. See Danger

Hogwarts: A History exists to be carried around humorously and incessantly quoted by the lighter versions of HermioneGranger. See apparating

Hogwarts Express: Nothing promotes social amicability like the Hogwarts Express. It is virtually impossible to ride on this cheery train without making a new friend or acquaintance.We are beginning to suspect that your tour guides breed originalcharacters in the caboose. Carefully note any stray person who wanders into your compartment. They will become vitally important as the tour progresses. There is also glamour about certain sections that mystically beautifies your rather homely friends of the year before. Perhaps here we have discovered how your tour guides breed the OCs in that caboose. The Marauders will also begin their acquaintance in these environs. If you are a female friend of LilyEvans, ignore the messy haired boy but take note of the pale tired boy who seems old beyond his years, or the strikingly handsome rambunctious one who will be hatching some new prank to tortureSeverusSnape.

Homework serves as a prop for many vital scenes if HPFH. It does not generally get finished though, as the person foolish enough to actually attempt to complete their assignments will inevitably be interrupted by disaster or a verbal skirmish. *Do not do homework in the library late at night* Not only will it remain undone, but you will also acquire either unwelcome company or extremely unwelcome injuries. See Draco Malfoy, rape, and Hermione Granger


Hufflepuffs are cannon fodder. They are painfully good, kind, sweet, and silly. But they are also refreshingly down to earth. They will jolly you along when the going gets nightmarish. And they often heroically sacrifice themselves for you. See Tragedy