Goyle Senior's CV

Goyle Senior's CV

From Lucius Xerxes Malfoy esq., M.B.E, BA (hons), PhD, to His Supreme notoriousness Lord Voldemort, Future Master of the Wizarding World, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, The Dark Lord, Greatest Living Wizard, etc etc.

O awe-inspiring and magnificent Lord,

You may recall (how could you not, with a mind as superior as your own?) our recent conversation, when I recommended a potential servant to become part of the most privileged band of followers known as the Death Eaters. His name (as you doubtless remember) is Abel Goyle, a worthy wizard and one who I believe would be great addition to our fortunate circle. He expressed himself willing to apply for membership ("uh...yeah, alright" were his precise words) and appeared eager to commence with the initiation ceremony (for which I have already begun assembling the necessary muggles, it would be such a shame to have to make do with sheep as we did at Avery's initiation).

Normally, I would have advised him to follow the most excellent and efficient system of application for a post of Death Eater, which you yourself established so intelligently. However, when I recommended this course of action to him, Goyle confessed that his reading and writing skills (or lack thereof) would make this impossible.

I have therefore placed him under the imperius curse (it was the only way the poor fellow could be prevailed upon to pick up a pen, plus it's super fun) and made him write out his CV, which I am enclosing forthwith. I hope this will be enough to convince you of his suitability for a Death Eater.

I remain your most devoted follower and most loving servant (in a platonic sense, obviously),

Lucius Malfoy.

P.S

Enclosed is a note from the applicant himself, which I am just about to edit, along with the CV itself, in the interests of legibility.

From Abel Goyle, esq. to Lord Voldarerm Voldamore Voldimo Thingy, great majestic leader type person,

Hello,

So Lucius tells me you have some kind of club started up. Like the look of the tattoo, though I think the song needs a bit of work. Anyway Lucius says that drinks and weapons are supplied (wehey!), but you have to provide your own robes. Thing is, I don't have any black ones, so will navy ones do instead? Anyway, hope I can join, very excited about new as assasy asasinat killing techniques mentioned by Lucius. Who'd have thought you could do so much damage with just a teaspoon and a piece of string?

Am sending my CV over, Lucius says he'll explain about me not filling in the form.

Abel Goyle.

P.S.

Sorry about the smudges, I'm writing this in the bath.

Curriculum vitae (is that some kind of foreign language or something? Sounds a bit poncy and weird if you ask me)

Name: Abel Goyle

Date of birth: 21^st September, 1950

Age: Um...thirty... I think.

Descent: Lots of pure blooded wizards. Inbred, naturally. You'd think it would have made us all really thick by now, but doesn't seem to have had any bad effex affec iffec affects

Marital Status: Huh?

Address: Can't remember. Somewhere up north, I think, I got lost last year and I haven't been able to find my way home since then.

Education: Hogwarts. Until I was expelled, obviously. It wasn't my fault though, there was a nasty incident with a scythe and I unjustly got the blame. Some people just don't know how to take a joke.

Qualifications: OWL in muggle studies.

Swearing as a foreign language, grade 8 (merit).

Flute grade 7 (distinction)

Diploma in advanced thuggery (thesis on "Use of the club as a weapon of extortion")

Previous Employment: Deputy Thug for group of international wizarding gangsters (Jan, 1970- Dec 1975). Known as "slasher" due to skilful use of laceration curse in my work.

Assistant teacher at the De Medici school of attack and assassination, (Jan 1976 - Dec 1977). Highly commended for inventive use of muggle axe during training sessions.

Professional criminal, (Jan 1978 - Feb 1979). Duties involved murder, grievous bodily harm, aiding and abetting the sale of chocolate cake, etc.

Unemployed, (Feb 1979 - present day). Duties involve sitting around, intimidating people into giving me money and beating people up (just to keep my hand in).

Hobbies and interests: Punching people and laughing, pushing people down the stairs and laughing, forcing people to listen to Wagner's operas and laughing.

Ambitions: To spread terror/misery/spinach throughout the world and to kill Gilderoy Lockhart in a slow and painful manner. I

would also like to swim with dolphins.

From His most superlative badness, Lord Voldemort, to Lucius Xerxes Malfoy esq., M.B.E, BA (hons), PhD

Greetings, loyal follower,

I know we agreed the Death Eaters were going to be a tolerant and welcoming organisation, but really, are we just letting anybody in these days? The Goyle man you suggested is clearly little more than an imbecile. I have been forced to provisionally accept him into our ranks despite my misgivings, as we're rather short on members at the moment after that disastrous party Nott threw last week (I still don't understand why he thought it would be a good idea to present every guest with a live hippogriff on entry, and on further consideration I'm not sure I really want to know either), but I'm telling you, I'm not happy about it.

And I've another complaint to make. That Severus Snape you insisted was such a good find for our organisation has taken to introducing himself as "Snape. Severus Snape" and constantly humming the James Bond theme tune (incidentally, have you borrowed my "Dr No" DVD? It seems to have gone missing. Heads will roll unless it is swiftly returned) He also keeps sneaking off to "visit his aunt", when we all know perfectly well that his aunt died in an abseiling accident three years ago. Perhaps you can tell me what is going on?

Yours awfully,

Lord Voldemort.

P.S

I notice that your advanced toadying lessons are taking effect. It's so nice that you have a hobby.

P.P.S.

Please tell Goyle that navy robes are not appropriate, this is a disciplined organisation and a strict dress code must be adhered to at all times. If he protests, remind him what happened to Herman Fletcher when he insisted on wearing that kilt to Death Eater meetings last year. I don't think I've ever had so much difficulty getting blood out from under my fingernails.