Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty, or "Get Your Hands Off My Princess, You Damn Dirty Gryffindor!"

By

Rosy the Cat

Once upon a time, in an ultra-cool land filled with magic (which got considerably less cool as the native Celts were shoved into the poorer and more remote parts of the land...But I digress...), there lived a happy red-haired king, with his equally happy red-haired queen. They had six happy red-haired sons, except for one who was completely against rule breaking, which caused his five happy prankster brothers to focus their efforts on getting him to lighten up.

But that's not what this story is about.

Finally, after years of having sons, the happy red-haired king (whose name is Arthur) and his happy red-haired queen (whose name is Mary, but most people call her Molly...) had a happy red-haired daughter, whom they named Virginia.

Now, on this joyful occasion, they of course invited guests to celebrate their daughter's birth. The princes Frederick and George, who were twins, were particularly excited and set off a slew of fireworks, which shot off and buzzed the forbidding tower of a certain Dark Lord. But we'll get to HIM later.

They invited the king and queen of the neighboring kingdom, King James and Queen Lily, as well as their one-year-old son, Prince Harry. Queen Molly was particularly fond of little Prince Harry, and really wanted him to be her son. Hence she planned to gossip with Queen Lily about possibly betrothing Prince Harry to little Princess Virginia.

Also invited (unfortunately) was Lord Lucius Malfoy, his wife Narcissa, and with them their son, young (I mean, still-in-diapers-young!) Lord Draco Malfoy, who had been voted by his parents' vassals to be the cutest little thing they had ever seen, and boy most likely to break at least a dozen hearts.

Last of all were the Five Wonderful Wizards and Witches of Good:

Professor Dumbledore, the Lemon-drop enthusiast.

Professor McGonagall, able to turn into a cat at a single bound.

Professor Flitwick, charming to the last.

Professor Trelawney, wannabe-psychic, praying-mantis-lookalike.

And Professor Snape...Professor Snape?

Snape: "I will not be in your moronic story, woman!"

Aww, come on!

Snape: "No!"

Please? You're only in one or two other scenes! Snape: "Whoever said that I was a, quote: 'Good Wizard'? I never said that!"

You're a double agent, working for Dumbledore! I'd say you count as a Good Wizard!

Snape: "Hmph!"

Oh, come on; I know you are a much nicer person than your image would leave people to believe!

Snape: "Says who?"

Says a lot of really good authors! Now, will you please be in my story?

Snape: *sighs* "Very well. But I won't be made a fool!"

Okay, the story is back on the road! =~_^=

And Professor Snape, Potions Master and double agent, working for Dumbledore to bring down the Dark Lord.

The party was in full swing when gifts started being given.

King James: "In honor of our son's betrothal to your daughter, I'd like to give her this really fast, really *expensive* broom."

By the way, Princess Virginia broke that broom accidentally when she was six.

Professor Dumbledore: "I give Princess Virginia the gift of finding interesting and useful things, because I often find myself doing just that."

Professor McGonagall: "I give Princess Virginia the gift of Knowledge and Wisdom."

Professor Flitwick: "I give Princess Virginia the gift of...Well, I was considering charm, but she's just so darn cute, she doesn't need it! I give her the gift of wittiness!"

Professor Trelawney: "I give Princess Virginia the gift of-!"

Prince William (a.k.a. Bill, a.k.a. "The Cool One"): "-Musical talent is so important these days!"

Professor Trelawney: "Hey, I was gonna give her the gift of seeing the future!"

Everybody Else: "Who needs it?"

Snape: "I'll-"

Suddenly a scorched and extremely p-oed Dark Lord stormed into the room, his snaky red eyes glaring at all he sees.

Voldemort: "OKAY, WHO'S THE JOKER WHO BUZZED MY TOWER WITH FIRE-WORKS?!?"

Princes Fred and George cheered.

The Dark Lord glared at them, then seemed to realize that there were other people around, and all evidence pointed to a party.

A party HE wasn't invited to.

He WOULD have vengeance!

Voldemort: "You DARED to have a party and not invite me?!? Who is it for?"

...

Everybody pointed to the silken banner across the royal dais, which read: "PRINCESS VIRGINIA'S WELCOMING PARTY! DEPOSIT PHYSICAL PRESENTS NEXT TO THE CRADLE."

The Dark Lord Darkly sweatdropped. He then straightened his posture and strode over to the cradle. Producing his wand from within his robes, he pointed it at the happy red-haired princess and spoke thus:

Voldemort: "Before the sun sets on the second to last day of her sixth year of magical schooling, she will get a paper cut on the edge of a diary...AND DIE!!! MUHAHAHAHA!!!"

Queen Molly: "No! Not my baby girl!!!"

King Arthur (anybody else see the irony here?): *points his wand at the Dark Lord* "Petrificus totalus!"

Sadly, the Dark Lord apparated out of the Great Hall before the spell could hit, thus ending all hope that they could beat the stuffing out of him until he removed his spell from the sweet, innocent Princess Virginia.

Professor Trelawney: *eyes blank and an unnaturally strong grip on the robes of the nearest wizard, who was unfortunately Professor Snape; thus insuring that it's a real vision* "The Dark Lord shall fall at the hands of the heir of the kingdom Gryffindor!"

Snape: "That's all fine and dandy, but would you please LET GO OF ME, YOU QUACK?!?"

Even as all present in the Great Hall (Except for Lord Lucius, who looks like he is caught between wanting to dance for joy at his Lord's cursing of the princess, for he too is a Dark wizard, and wanting to walk up to Queen Lily and strangle her son) broke out cheering at the news of the eventual demise of the Dark Lord, Professor Dumbledore made motions for them to all settle down. When they failed to do so, he cast a spell on the hall to silence them.

Everybody but Dumbledore and the Royal Family, who are in various states of shock and sorrow, with Queen Molly holding her daughter and crying about her baby: "..."

Dumbledore: "Now, I know this is all rather upsetting, but Professor Snape has yet to give the princess HIS gift."

King Arthur: "So, he can undo this curse?"

Dumbledore: "Probably, but that wouldn't make a very good story, so how about if he simply makes it not quite as harsh?"

Sighing in annoyance, Professor Snape finally detached Professor Trelawney from his robes and walked up to Queen Molly. Looking down at the adorable baby, he pointed his wand at her and, from the script, read this:

Snape: "The paper cut will put you into a coma, rather than kill you, and you shall be awakened only by...What the-?!? What is this rubbish?!"

Come on, Sev; it's Sleeping Beauty! You can't have the story without that part!

Snape: *grumble grumble...* "You shall be awakened only by TRUE love's first kiss, not by any poor schmuck who gets to you first."

Nice touch, Sev.

Snape: "Thank you."

Prince Charles (a.k.a. Charlie): "Hey, Bill? Who is Professor Snape talking to?"

Prince Bill: "That would be the Author, Charlie."

Prince Charlie: "Oh. Right."

That very night it was decreed that anyone seen in Princess Virginia's presence with a Diary would be beaten over the head repeatedly with...A WIFFLE BAT!!!

Also that night, King Arthur and Queen Molly met with the Five Wonderful Wizards and Witches of Good to discuss how to go about keeping the princess safe. They eventually settled on the fact that they had to get her out of the castle, since it was the most obvious place the Dark Lord would look for her. Unfortunately, Queen Molly refused to just dump her only daughter into a foster home. Family bonds were very important to her.

The end result of the hours spent arguing over what was to happen to the princess was this: the royal family would leave the castle and live in the farthest, most remote region of their lands, which was known as Suburbia. There they would live a simple life, making do with only a small amount of money.

Really, the only difference would be the fact that they would live in a smaller house and have less to spend.

The castle would be put under the protection of Professor Dumbledore and the other Five Wonderful Wizards and Witches of Good; massive protection wards would be put up, and the castle would be turned into a school of magic, thereby giving the Royal Family a good reason to send their children home for most of the year once they got old enough to attend magic school. The castle would now be known as Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which sounded much more impressive than its original title, the Big Burrow.

The Royal Family would live under their ancestral family name of Weasly, which was safe to use because pretty much everybody had forgotten that the Royal Family even *had* a name!

~~Sixteen Years and many adventures that occasionally involved Princess Virginia, now called Ginny, later...~~

Ginny: "Baby look at me, And tell me what you see! You ain't seen the best of me yet. Give me time and I'll make you forget the rest! I got more in me, And you can set it free! I can catch the moon in my hand. Don't you know who I am? Remember my name: FAME!"

Colin Creevey: "Dang, that girl's got rhythm!"

Ginny: "You better believe it!"

Colin: "So, Ginny, are you going to be at the victory party?"

Ginny: "I dunno."

Colin: "WHAT?!? You have to be there! Prince Harry of Gryffindor just vanquished The Dark Lord! Besides, I thought you had a crush on him?"

Ginny: "Colin, Colin, Colin... That was two years ago! I am *so* over that, and I-"

Ginny slammed into the dashing and ravishing Lord Draco Malfoy as she turned the corner.

Ginny: "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU-! ...Absolutely handsome rebellious young lord who didn't side with his evil father..."

Young Lord Draco was about to toss off a derogatory comment about her family when he realized just how gorgeous young Miss Weasly was, and kissed her hand.

Draco: "Well, it seems your family actually produced something more than useful to the world..."

He then proceeded to attempt to kiss her on the lips.

Ginny turned her head so that her mouth was out of range.

Ginny: "I am sorry, but I can't let you kiss me!"

Draco (angry): "Whyever-bloody-not?!?"

Ginny (pauses, thinking): "You know, I'm not really certain, but my mum always tells me that I should never let a boy kiss me until *after* my sixth year of school is over."

Draco (suave and debonair look): "Well then, I guess I'll see you on the train home! Would you care to be my date tonight?"

Ginny: "I would love to, Lord Draco! If you'll excuse me, I need to go back to my dorm room and get dressed."

Draco: *stares after her, then seems to come to his senses* "Dangit! Now I've got to go get her some flowers!" *poses dramatically* "TO THE GREEN-HOUSES!" *dashes off*

(Gryffindor Tower, Sixth-year Girls' Dorm)

Ginny: *trying on dresses* "Hmm, maybe the green one?" *holds it up, then tosses it* "Nope. Ooh, black with silver sparkles!"

As Ginny finishes donning her dress robes, a GREEN! (that's right, GREEN!) owl swoops into the room through the window, carrying an ominous little book.

Enter the random plot-device! =^^;=

Just as the GREEN! owl was about to deposit his burden (let's, just for the sake of keeping the story going, assume the owl is a guy...), Ginny turned around and spotted it.

In shock, the GREEN! owl crashes to the bedspread, but quickly recovers and embarrassedly tries to look intimidating.

GREEN! owl (flustered, but trying to look intimidating): "HOOT!"

Ginny: "...You don't really think I'm going to fall for that innocent act, do you? What are you doing?"

GREEN! owl (holding up a handy wooden sign): (OvO); *Who, me? I'm just a lovable lil' owl, who has lost his way-*

Ginny (incredulously): "With a mysterious and suspicious diary, which just happens to be there?!"

GREEN! owl: (~v~);;;; *...Yes...It's called a plot-device...*

Ginny: "And what, pray tell, makes you think I'm going to go anywhere NEAR that thing?!"

GREEN! owl: (^v^); *Because if you don't, the story will be stuck here for all eternity, and you won't get to smooch ANYBODY.*

Ginny (snatching the diary): "Give me THAAAAAT!"

That obstacle overcome, the GREEN! owl peacefully flaps away, back to the dark, random, and kooky corner of the Author's mind that first conjured it.

Perhaps she might even use the GREEN! owl again someday!

...

=^^;= Anyhoo, back to the story!

Ginny curiously opened the ominous book, sitting upon her canopied bed as she casually flipped through the pages. Oddly enough, for all of the suspense surrounding it, the book was empty.

That was when she reached the middle, and big, hairy monster popped out of the pages halfway.

Big Hairy Monster (gesturing wildly): "BOOGA-BOOGA!!!"

Ginny: > o < "Ouch- KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

When Ginny flung the diary across the room reflexively, the book hit a wall and closed, canceling the spell that produced the image of the big hairy monster. However, the damage was done, and she had received a rather painful and annoying paper cut.

Ginny: "Dagnabbit, I HATE paper cuts! They sting like the dickens...*blink-blink*...Whoa, I'm sleepy..."

And thus, the all-unknowing Princess Virginia collapsed back on her bed, fulfilling the curse.

Now, where the heck is Draco...?

...

Yes, I know Harry's the prince, but you didn't really read the title of the story and still think I'd actually put Harry and Ginny together anyway, did you?

...

You did?

...*sweatdrop*...

You aren't very much into subtlety, are you?

(One hundred feet out from the base of Gryffindor Tower, outside)

Draco (screaming the insanity of the world to the powers that be, namely me, the Author): "WHERE THE BLOODY-FRICKIN'-HELL DID THAT MASSIVE THORN BUSH COME FROM?!?"

Wouldn't you like to know...Tee-hee! =^^=

Ah, yes, the most pointless part of the Sleeping Beauty story: The hedge of thorns. I mean, for crying out loud, the prince in the original Brothers Grim version of the story only got to marry the princess because he was at the right place at the right time! It had nothing to do with "True Love's First Kiss!" It was more like "First Schmuck to Show Up After 100 Years Had Passed's Kiss!"

Mu-ha-ha! I love messing around with classic plot lines! =^_^=

Ahem.

Draco steeled himself, then set to clearing away a path through the thorny growth with his wand, hoping to eventually reach the tower itself and levitate himself up, clearing the way above as he went.

Draco (grumbling): "Ouch...Damn thorns...ouch...Damn Gryffindors and their bloody towers...ouch...Damn author- OWWIE!!! BLOODY HELL!!!"

Rosy the Cat (being pampered by her muse, Flutter-by Eeyore, as she alternates surfing the 'Net for more fics to read and flipping through a large book of Fairy Tales): "Serves him right for cussing while speaking in reference to me, ne, Eeyore-kun?"

Flutter-by Eeyore (handing her a bottle of peach SnappleTM): "Hai, Rosy-chan!"

Draco (continuing his trek): "...Damn thorns...ouch...Damn story that insists on the damn thorns being present...ouch..."

Wee!

=^^;=

(Two hours later, at the victory party in the Great Hall...)

Thronging masses of jubilant students and teachers (singing "Hail the Conquering Hero" for the umpteenth time since Harry arrived about ten minutes before Ginny got enchanted): "Hail the conquering hero! BUM-BUM-BUM BUMBUDUM...!"

Can you tell that my only experience with that song is Disney's Aladdin?

...

You can?

Good; you're learning! =^^=

Ron: "Harry, have you seen Ginny? I can't seem to find her, and nobody I've asked all night has seen her either!"

Harry: "No, sorry Ron, I haven't. Why don't we ask Collin? He's been hanging out with her lately, right?"

Ron: "Okay."

(fifteen minutes of searching the crowd later...)

Ron: "Oi, Colin! Have you seen my sister?"

Colin: "Last I saw her, she was heading for her dorm to get changed."

Harry and Ron: "Thanks Colin!"

Colin (turning to his little brother, Denis): "Do you think I should have told them that the only reason why she was even going to show up for the party was because she had a date with Malfoy?"

Creevey Brothers: "...Naaaaaaaaaah."

(The hallway outside the entrance to Gryffindor Tower...)

Harry and Ron: "What the hell...?!?"

Yes, the story has bucked the laws of physics yet again: the thorn bushes are clogging up the hallway. Though they somehow aren't close enough to harm the Fat Lady's picture.

The series has seen enough picture abuse as it is, thankyouverymuch!

Dumbledore: "Well, it seems that, in keeping with the plot line, all our efforts to keep the princess safe have failed. Oh my."

Harry: "Sir, where did you come from?"

Ron: "And what do you mean? What princess?"

Dumbledore: "Why, your sister, Mister Weasley. Princess Virginia. As to where I came from, Mister Potter, I would have to say my mother."

Harry and Ron: "...Huh?!?"

Dumbledore smiled and proceeded to hand the two copies of the script up to the point where they enter the story.

Harry and Ron: "...Ohh...That makes a bit more sense..."

Harry: "But, Professor, doesn't that mean I have to marry Ginny?"

Dumbledore (smiling benignly): "It certainly looks that way, doesn't it?"

Ron (grabbing Harry by the front of his robes and shaking him hard): "Harry, you have to get through those thorns and save my sister!"

Harry: "Sheesh, Ron, chill! I'm the hero of this series! Of course I'll save Ginny!"

Ron: "I rather like the sound of Prince Ron, don't you, Harry?"

Harry (looking at Ron weird): "...Sure, Ron...That's great..."

The two headed for the wall of thorny vines. Miraculously, the vines bloomed into lovely yellow roses, and parted to make a path for the two.

Ron: "Hey, Harry?"

Harry: "Yeah Ron?"

Ron: "Why are the roses yellow? I thought the roses were red in Sleeping Beauty."

Harry: *shrug* "Who knows?"

Can you say "Foreshadowing?"

...

Goody! =^_^=

As the two made their way through the Common Room, the only other soul they came across was Crookshanks, asleep on top of Hermione's homework.

Hermione: "FINALLY you mention me! Why didn't you do so earlier?!? My union'll hear about this!"

Rosy the Cat (making placating gestures): "I'm sorry! I just forgot! The next Harry Potter fic I write, I'll give you a bigger part! I promise!"

Hermione (grousing): "You'd better..."

Rosy the Cat: *smiling* "Oh, I will!" *grumbling* "Dang union characters..."

Anyhoo...

Harry and Ron stopped about halfway up the staircase that led to the girls' dorms for a quick breather. In classic random plot-device tradition, the window on the outer wall of the stairwell was open just enough for the random outside listener to hear them.

Draco was clinging to the vines above said window, taking a breather and shaking out his wand hand. Naturally he heard everything Harry and Ron said.

Ron: "So, Harry, what do you think about all of this?"

Harry: "All of what, Ron?"

Ron: "You know: us being princes, and Ginny being a princess. Also, remember that one part in the script Dumbledore showed us? With Ginny agreeing to go out with Malfoy? You Know Who must have been working on her mind for MONTHS now to get her to agree to go out with Malfoy! I bet it was all some sort of plot of his to get revenge on you from beyond the grave!"

Draco (thinking): 'Why you little-!!!'

Harry: "Oh, come on, Ron; be serious! Malfoy helped out a lot in that last battle against Voldemort. He turned his back on his own father, for crying out loud! He's trustworthy."

Draco: "...?!"

Harry: "Besides, whether Ginny was planning to go to the party with Malfoy or not is moot, anyway. Dumbledore said that our parents betrothed Ginny and I when we were babies. Draco's not a problem."

Draco (muttering too low to be heard by the guys): "Like hell I'm not!"

Ron: "I guess so, Harry. So, do you think you can break that spell?"

Harry: "The script said that it could only be broken with 'true love's first kiss;' and who has Ginny been crushing after for years...?"

Ron: "YAY! MY SISTER'S SAVED!!!"

Having heard more than enough, Draco firmed his resolve, pulled out his wand again, and resumed levitating, climbing, and blasting away vines.

Potter wasn't getting HIS princess, damnit!

(Outside the Sixth-year Gryffindor Girls' dormitory...)

Ron: "Well, here we are, Harry!"

Harry: "Yep."

Harry opens the door, and steps through.

He then, in a very un-princelike fashion, trips over the discarded diary.

Harry: "OWW!"

Ron: "Harry! Are you okay?!"

Harry: "Yeah, I just tripped over something. You'd better stay out there; I'll be out with Ginny in a minute."

Ron: "Okay."

Harry stepped carefully around the enchanted diary after pulling himself to his feet, and closed the door behind himself. He walked over to Ginny's bed, steeled himself, then leaned over and gently kissed her.

...

And nothing happened.

Harry: "...Huh?"

Draco: "GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PRINCESS, YOU DAMN DIRTY GRYFFINDOR!!!"

And all of the Draco fangirls in the audience go nuts! =^o^;=

Harry turned abruptly and stared as a fuming and bedraggled Draco pulled himself into the room through the window. Draco only stopped for a moment to straighten out his hair and dust off his clothing in the mirror over one of the dressing tables in the room before continuing.

Draco: "Didn't you even bother to read that precious script of yours, Potter? Your kiss won't wake her up!"

Harry looked at him in skepticism, but pulled out his copy of the script and started re-reading it. Draco moved to Ginny's bedside, sitting gracefully beside her prone form, staring at her peaceful, sleeping face. Harry (reading from the script): "...Snape says, 'You shall be awakened only by TRUE love's first kiss, not by any poor schmuck who gets to you first...' ...What?! That's not how Sleeping Beauty goes!!!"

Draco (looks up, smirking): "What can I say? The author is very pro-love; who am I to argue with her?"

Kiss up.

Draco: "Precisely."

...Okay, you get points for that one...

Grinning, Draco leaned down, and with great passion, and (of course) love, kissed Ginny.

Ginny promptly woke up, saw who was kissing her, and enthusiastically joined in.

Rosy the Cat (dabbing her eyes with a tissue): "Ahh, young love!" *offers the box to Harry* "Kleenex?"

Harry: *shakes his head to decline* "Naah, I'm okay. I can always marry Hermione or some Marry Sue."

Rosy the Cat (making signs of warding): "DON'T SAY THAT NAME!!!"

So, anyway, Ginny and Draco got married a year later, after she'd graduated, and went to live in Malfoy Manor as Lord and Lady Malfoy with Draco's mother.

Ginny: "You do know that, in the original version of the story, Sleeping Beauty and her children were eaten by her mother-in-law."

Draco: "I'll speak with Mother about it..."

Ginny: *whapps him in the arm* "DRACO! That's not funny!"

Harry married Hermione, and they became King and Queen of the realm of Gryffindor. Ron married Padma Patil. They are currently expecting triplets.

The Weasley family as a whole decided to let Dumbledore keep the castle, and just build a new, cozier one.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Well, except for Voldemort...

(Some lower pit of Hell...)

Voldemort: "This is the fic that doesn't end. It just goes on and on my friend! Some Villains, started reading it not knowing what it was, but they'll continue MSTing it forever just because this is the fic that doesn't end..."

Hitler (joining in): "With feeling!"

Voldemort, Hitler, and Grindewald (singing): "This is the fic that doesn't end. It just goes on and on my friend! Some Villains, started reading it not knowing what it was, but they'll continue MSTing it forever just because this is the fic that doesn't end..."

The End! =^-^=

Author's Ending Notes: I have nothing against Harry. He is a very good character. I just think that Draco and Ginny, under certain circumstances, would make a very cute couple. That, and I wanted to get away from the standard-issue Fairy Tale ending. As for Hermione, I seriously completely forgot about her until towards the end. And, should I ever write another Harry Potter fan fic, I will give her a bigger part.

That said, I would appreciate any comments and/or feedback from you, the reader. I worked long and hard on this, and I hope you enjoyed it.

11-8-02

Rosy the Cat =^_^=