School of Duels

School Of Duels

"Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts!" Gilderoy Lockhart greeted his second year Gryffindor and Slytherin class. "And let me introduce you to your teacher: Me! Yes, I, Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile Award, am your teacher. And I must say that I'm sure to do better than that Quirrell fellow, eh?" He grinned at them.

Hermione Granger nodded at him eagerly, and seeing the sight of it, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley groaned.

"Now then, the first thing we will do is have a little quiz about my books. Don't worry, it's only to see how well you've read them!" Lockhart announced, passing out quizzes. Once he had passed them all out, he stood back at the front of the room. "Any questions before we start?"

"Yeah," called out Ron, who was flipping through the pages of the quiz and skimming through the questions. "Why is this all about you? Isn't it supposed to be about the Dark Arts?"

"It is about the Dark Arts!" Lockhart contradicted. "Thirty minutes! Start!"

During the next half hour, the students poured over the quiz. When the half hour passed (which was to most of the students' joy), Lockhart collected the papers.

"Before I look through the quizzes, let's just have you tell me some of the answers offhand! Who knows what my secret ambition is?" Lockhart asked. "How about you, miss?"

Hermione straightened up. "To rid the world of evil and market your own range of hair-care potions."

"Yes!" Lockhart cheered. "And who knows why?"

It was a rare thing to see Draco Malfoy raise his hand, but he did so and snickered. Without waiting to be called on, he said, "Because you have a poor self-conception of your hair and think that it will only look better if you pour a bunch of magical ingredients in it!"

"No..." said Lockhart. "Let's try again. You, sir?"

"Because you want to make a revelation in Professor Snape's life?" Dean Thomas suggested, causing the Gryffindors to laugh.

"Not quite," said Lockhart. "One more guess. Yes, you?"

"Because the only way to rid the world of evil is to beautify it and make the world fabulous!" exclaimed Neville Longbottom.

"Hmm. Well, I was thinking something like that. So, on to business!" Lockhart clapped. "Now, the first topic for discussion: Me! We'll talking all about a vampire that hasn't been able to eat anything but lettuce since I dealt with him!"

"Professor?" Hermione asked, raising her hand into the air. "It's not that I have a problem with talking about you, it's just that we get house points for achieving the subject in our classes. How are we going to get house points if we only talk about you?"

"By knowing the answers to the questions about me!" replied Lockhart. "For some extra fun, let's reenact my accomplishments! Harry Potter, I want you to be the vampire, so up front. And Gilderoy Lockhart will be played by none other than himself!

It was the worst lesson Harry had ever had, and Lockhart was the most stuck up person Harry had ever met. Things didn't improve on the next lesson. To Harry's dismay, he was stuck playing a yeti with a head cold, while Lockhart rambled on and on about it.

"Then I performed an immensely complicated charm, the yeti suffered from an eternal head cold, and Greenland announced me their town hero!"

The students made no reaction, except for Hermione, who had been gazing dreamily at Lockhart, and now gave him a big grin.

"Oh, yes, I know. It's so amazing that you're at a loss for words," said Lockhart. "Yes, Year With the Yeti is a great book. But what are your favorite parts?"

Hermione's hand shot up into the air.

"Ms. Granger?"

"Oh, I love all of them!" said Hermione breathlessly. "But my favorite part was in Gadding With Ghouls, when you captured that last one with the tea strainer!"

"Ah, yes. Gadding With Ghouls. Possibly my very favorite book!" Lockhart beamed. "What is your favorite part of my books, Mr. Malfoy?"

"The end," drawled Draco.

"Of course, the end. You enjoy how I list all the honors, medals, and awards I've received because of the accomplishments I've made?" Lockhart asked.

"No," said Draco. "I like the end because it's over."

The students all roared with laughter, except for Hermione, who turned around and glared at Draco.

"Well, Mr. Malfoy, I'm sure you'll have a favorite part once I tell you about my defeat of the Wagga Wagga Werewolf!" Lockhart announced. "Let's reenact this one too! Harry, come up here and act as the werewolf!"

Ron looked at Harry sympathetically as Harry got out of his chair and groaned. Harry spotted Draco smirking at him, and Lockhart spotted it too.

"Now don't be sad, Mr. Malfoy! You can reenact it with me next time. You're always scowling, don't you know how to smile?"

"Yeah," said Draco. "I know how to smile. And I will do so at your funeral."

Crabbe and Goyle gave loud, stupid grunts of laughter while Harry started to walk back to his seat, hoping he wouldn't have to act as the werewolf after all.

"Harry, come back here!" said Lockhart. "We were going to show my defeat of the Wagga Wagga Werewolf!"

Exasperated, Seamus Finnigan put his hand in the air.

"Mr. Finnigan?"

"Are you actually going to teach us something that doesn't have to do with you?"

"Why, certainly! I'll do it now!"

The class breathed a sigh of relief, but much too soon. Lockhart's next words were as self absorbed as his previous words were.

"Celebrity is as celebrity does. Fame is a fickle friend. Remember that."

"Why?" demanded Ron.

"Because fame may not be suited for you, as it is for me, and sometimes you will have to leave it, and not do things like flying cars to get yourself noticed."

"We didn't fly the car to school to be noticed!" shouted Harry angrily.

"That reminds me, who didn't get a signed photograph from Potter?" Draco asked loudly.

"I am NOT giving out signed photos!" yelled Harry.

"Signed photos?" Lockhart asked. "Harry, I told you. Just because a few people have heard of you doesn't mean you have to be giving out signed photos!"

"But I'm NOT giving out signed-"

"Excuse me."

It was Dumbledore at the door. "Um, Gilderoy? The bell did ring five minutes ago."

"Oh, it did?" said Lockhart. "Well then, class, we'll continue our discussion of fame next lesson."