With a Little Help from My Friends

Letters:

Dear Ginny,

Abseiling is what muggles refer to as an "Extreme sport". It involves scaling down the sides of tall walls while attached to ropes. In other words, unfortunately, you would probably love it. And yes, I will just generally just try to avoid Bailey. Don't worry about meals, though; she seems determined to fatten me up. I feel like a turkey being prepared for Christmas dinner.

Please don't tell me Ron is still acting like an over-protective big brother! Maybe we should set him up with Bailey; that would keep him busy. When she saw his picture (and these were her exact words), she announced, "Mmm, isn't he simply gorgeous?"

She didn't seem to pick up on my sarcasm when I responded, "Well, if red hair, freckles, and procrastination appeals to you, I suppose so." Not that you don't look wonderful with red hair and freckles, Gin. Ron hasn't pulled the 'Accidentally bumping into the two of you' maneuver on dates, has he? Let me know when he does; I'll give him a good talking to. Unfortunately, I'm obligated to say when rather than if.

Allen Rawson is meant to be one of the best Aurors around these days; besides Harry, of course. Still, I can imagine he is a bit intimidating. Look on the bright side; after him, former death eaters will be a breeze. Maybe he has some sort of inferiority complex as a child because of his lack of height, and now he's trying to compensate.

Anyway, on to my first day at the office. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, at the moment I'm in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, although they gave the impression they may shift me to muggle relations at any moment. Fortunately I did well enough on my NEWTS that I can handle either. First thing in the morning I found my cubicle, complete with a welcome card signed by everyone, which I must say was terribly thoughtful of them all. Anyway, I immediately headed up to check in with my new boss, and as I was walking down the hall, I finally placed his name. I knew I had heard of it somewhere, and all of a sudden it just clicked. J. Talmere. That's right, as in Robert Talmere, the new chaser for the Cannons.

Let me know when you've stopped hyperventilating.

I don't know why I didn't realize before. My only excuse is that I wasn't actually interviewed by this branch, just by a general ministry employment scout. I don't mean to brag, but my resume did more or less speak for itself. I got to his door and just knocked, as he didn't have a secretary or anything (Odd, I know, but I suppose he's capable of keeping his own files organized, which I thoroughly approve of). I heard a voice from within yell out casually, "Come right in," and so tentatively, I did. The first thing I noticed was the enormous Chudley Cannons pennant blazing across the top of the wall.

The second thing I noticed was the fact that Mr. Talmere, or Justin as he later insisted I call him, seemed very relaxed. He was leaning back in his chair, sorting through a pile of papers, when he glanced up, smiled, and gestured to the chair across from the desk. "You must be Hermione." No formalities, just like that.

It will certainly be an experience, working with someone so close to my own age as opposed to one of the elderly researchers I've dealt with for the past few years. I didn't ask, of course, but he can't be more than four years older than us. After some very friendly introductions, he jumped right in and asked me my opinion on the case he had been looking through involving a crup. He really gives the impression that he respects his employee's opinions, which I did appreciate. He listened, smiling, and then handed me the report. "Sounds like a good plan, I think I'll start you on a few reports, since you seem capable. Wait, I'm sorry, I don't want to throw you in at the deep end on your first day. You don't mind, do you?" Of course I didn't mind! I'm going to fit right in here, I'm sure of it. It's a wonderful environment, everyone is very productive, and Justin really encourages us all. I've heard nothing but good things about him.

See you Friday,

Hermione

Dear Fred and George,

I have an important mission for you both, as you are the Weasleys with the most connections in high society. Our brother's happiness and our mother's chance for more grandchildren could hang in the balance here, so tread carefully. I need you to find out everything you possibly can about Justin Talmere, brother of Robert Talmere, the new Cannons chaser. There has to be something terrible about him. Anything at all, just something that must prevent him from ever having a relationship with Hermione. That's right, I just got a letter from her, and she's too clueless to realize that her boss was flirting shamelessly with her. Act quickly, or you won't ever be able to set off dung bombs at Ron's wedding!

Love to both of you, and say hi to Angelina for me,

Ginny

Dear Ginny,

We'll, it's lovely to see that you chose to take time out of your busy schedule to write to your favorite twin brothers, even if you did neglect to inquire as to how we are. This is George, by the way, as Fred's probably off snogging his girlfriend, leaving the important family issues to me, as usual. She says hi to you too. Anyway, I will overlook your brusque demeanor only because this is clearly an emergency of potentially catastrophic proportions. Since Hermione and Ron are both too thick to figure it out themselves, we'll just have to give them a shove in the right direction. And shove Talmere out of the way, of course. Gives us a week or so, and we'll have everything from his political stance to how many times he used bad language in year five.

Melodramatically yours,

George Weasley

Co-President of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes

Invitation:

To Whom It May Concern,

You are hereby invited to the

Weasley's Wizard Wheezes Corporate Halloween Ball

Come in costume! If you don't, we'll be forced to transfigure you into something at the door. Bring friends, batty old relatives, and mortal enemies, and even any random drunks you may bump into on the way with you! All are welcome!

RSVP via return owl to Fred of George Weasley.

Letters:

Ron,

Trust me, killing rogue death eaters isn't the glorified peaches and creams it's cut out to be. Or have you been living your sheltered life so long you've forgotten? Ah, poor Ronniekins, having to deal with the scary old divination teacher. My heart bleeds for you, really. Glad to see you're getting on well with "Minerva". Just make sure that whatever new pet gets this time, it's actually a dog, okay? As a ministry employee, I'd rather not have to cover up for any more creatures of the blast-ended skrewt variety. I just wanted to re-assure you, also, that if you're having too much fun catching up with Malfoy, you needn't come Friday night.

I'm sure Hermione won't mind; I can't always make out what Ginny's saying because she babbles and waves her arms around a lot, which usually makes me space out with a dreamy smile on my face, but Ginny made it sound like Hermione's practically living with her new boss or something. Although it's possible she's overreacting slightly.

Anyway, as for the rogue death-eater front, it turns out he's not crazy. His name is Daniel Manner, and he's eighteen. I kid you not; we have been licensed to use the unforgivables on a kid. What's the world coming to? Not only that, but as near as our sources can tell, he's not only sane, his smart; graduated top of his class at Hogwarts with grades as good as Hermione. He knows exactly what he's doing, and he's decided it's worth the risk.

Maybe I was exaggerating when I said sane. You know what I mean, though. Although I think there was a slight current of relief at work to learn he wasn't really Voldemort (You know officially we always re-enforce that this is impossible, but we all get edgy), none of us are looking forward to bringing him in. Bet you ten galleons it gets assigned to the resident hero, Harry Potter. I'm the only one who can pull off this sort of stunt without turning the public against the ministry, with my golden-boy record.

Well, I'm behind at work (as always, since my partner copped out on me to go teach a bunch of scruffy kids), so I've got to get going. See you Friday hopefully, and keep your cool with Malfoy. Ginny says hello; apparently you're not answering her letters. Something about Hermione, as usual. Just remember, mate, if you push Ginny to far, her cursing ability came directly from Fred and George. You going to their big party? Do you think they were serious when they said they would transfigure people at the door?

Who am I kidding, of course they were.

-Harry

Dear Ginny,

Would you please stop telling Harry everything I tell you? Yes, he's my best friend, but now you've got him convinced I'm in love with Hermione. Which we both know is absolutely ridiculous, understood? So you really should stop implying it! Speaking of Hermione, is she seriously dating her boss? What exactly going on? Do you know anything about this guy? He could be some kind of psychopath for all we know! Have you talked to Hermione about it?!

-Ron

Dear Ron,

No, I will not stop telling Harry everything. Seeing your reaction is far too much fun. If you want to know about Hermione's love life, how about you just ask her? Don't be too hostile and jealous, though; we don't want a repeat of the Krum incident.

Your Loving Sister,

Ginny

Harry,

Remind me not to try to have any sort of rational discussion with my sister. It's completely impossible. I'll see what I can do on the Hagrid pet-front. We certainly don't want another Norbert. Sorry about the little bugger who's decided to pretend he's You-Know-Who. I dunno what he thinks he's playing at, but if you need any help, keep in mind that although technically your best mate's out of action, in an emergency I'm happy to be re-instated as an Auror. What're friends for?

Time is ticking away until school starts, and I'll admit I'm getting a bit edgy. After all, what if I've got the next generation of Fred and George in my class? The only way I could ever deal with them is by telling Mum when I was younger, cursing them in my schooldays, or once I got taller than them, whacking them. I can't do any of that to a student, I'd be expelled for sure! And I'll have Slytherins. That's right; I'm going to be teaching lots of mini-Malfoys. It's bad enough have to deal with the original one! You realize that I got through my whole time at Hogwarts using Hermione's notes because I couldn't read my own handwriting. How the hell am I meant to plan a lesson? It's not like I've had any good examples when it comes to Defense teachers, either! Aside from Lupin, the whole lot were duds. Term starts in less than three weeks. And I'll be swamped 'til Christmas, so I s'pose I really need to have it planned all the way up to the next holidays! And what if one of them asks me a question and I don't know the answer? Worst of all, what if I have someone like Hermione in my class, who's smarter than I am?! Harry, I'm screwed!

-A Panicking Ron

Junk Mail:

Dear H. POTTER,

You have been fortunate enough to be selected, via a careful screening process, for a once-in-a-life-time opportunity! Bialystock & Bloom, the producers (recently released from a brief sojourn in the New York state penitentiary) who brought the hit musical "Springtime for Hitler" to the New York stage, are now making their debut in London's West End, and are looking for enthusiastic theatre-goers to finance their upcoming musical, "The Life and Times of a Flobberworm." A sure hit, Bialystock & Bloom are willing to guarantee you 100% of their profits! That's right, 100%! This sure money-making scheme is open for a limited time only, so please reply quickly, H. POTTER! Send cheque/credit details/cash to return address listed above, and seize this glorious chance! After all, H. POTTER, there's no business like show business!

Sincerely,

Bialystock & Bloom

Theatre Producers

Letters:

Ron,

That was the most pathetic letter I have ever received in my life, including the idiots who sent me junk mail this morning that was a blatant attempt at fraud. Seriously, Ron, are you a man or a puffskein? Just show the students who's boss right off the bat, but keep it interesting enough that they don't start pulling pranks on you. How bad can it be? If it'll make poor little Ronnie feel better, you should keep in mind that you'll be about three times the size of all of them.

As for your lesson plans, isn't it obvious? Ask HERMIONE. You know as well as I do that new job or not, she'll be thrilled. If she weren't so determined to promote S.P.E.W., she'd be the one staying at Hogwarts right now, and we both know it. Besides, when was the last time you wrote to her? Do you even know her new address?

I have to stop now; I'm too disgusted by your utter lack of Gryffindor courage.

-Harry

The Contents of the Official Defense against the Dark Arts Waste-Paper Basket:

'Mione,

Look, I was wondering, I know you're not too happy with me 'cause of the whole furniture thing, but I sort of need some help... Oh, smart one Ron; just remind her why she wouldn't want to hear from you! I'm not sending this one!

Dear Hermione,

I am approaching you because it has occurred to me that you would be able to help me in my plans for my academic year. Would it be possible... This is ridiculous, I'm not sending this, now I sound like Percy! I'd better start again...

Hermione,

I'm a bit stumped as far as planning out my lessons for this year. I have been trying, honest, but it's overwhelming, and I was wondering if you might be able... Oh shove it, I give up!

Letters:

Harry,

Ask Hermione for me, will you? You do owe me after the whole pub incident.

-Ron

Ron,

If that hadn't been a major jam you helped me out of, I'd hurl you over the fence like the hopeless gnome you are. Fine, I'll do it.

-Harry

Dear Hermione,

Since Ron is a spineless little wimp who calls in favors at the slightest provocation, I'm the one making contact with you. Basically, he's petrified at the prospect of writing lesson plans, so will you help him on Friday?

Thanks on behalf of everyone's favorite red-headed chicken. I'm not entirely sure he wanted to me so blunt... But he's survived worse, I suppose. Congratulations on the new boyfriend, by the way.

Harry

Dear Hermione,

Yes, well, your boss does sound nice, but are you entirely sure about him? I mean, he seems to be dumping an awful lot of papers on you for your first day. I do trust your judgment, but be sure he doesn't take advantage of your work ethic or anything, okay? And remember; you should never ever date a colleague. It can only lead to certain disaster. Do not even consider going down that road. Besides, you clearly are better off just being friends with Quidditch stars like Viktor. Surely the same rule applies to Quidditch stars' brothers as well! Oh well, at least he's a Cannons fan. Keep everything strictly platonic and I'm sure you'll do wonderfully.

Abseiling does sound quite fun. When did she say the new meetings were going to be? I might give it a try. I'm sure Rawson would approve; he likes anything dangerous and physically exhausting. The hints are now coming thick and fast about the whole 'drop us all off in the middle of nowhere' plan. I think he's serious. At any rate, I've started bringing food with me to training every day.

Bailey thinks RON is cute? Eek! Never tell me things like that, Hermione. He's my brother, and it's just creepy. Not that I think it's so terrible if he dates or anything, it's just that he's not exactly Patrick Moran, is he? (Before you ask, Hermione, Moran's Ireland's hottest player; you really do need to follow Quidditch more closely.) No, Ron hasn't crashed any dates yet. If he does, you won't need to have a talk with him, don't worry. There won't be any piece of him left that's large enough to talk to. It'll be worth the Azkaban sentence; at least when Harry visits my cell we can have a bit of privacy.

Anyway, I think I'll go and practice pitching a tent. Apparently, "You never know when you'll be forced to survive without your wands, and right now you nincompoops would all be eaten by Grindylows before twenty minutes were up!"

Can't Wait to See You,

Ginny