Mardi Gras With Muggles

I stared at the sack of letters on the table, knowing I would have to go through every single one of them. I closed my eyes and pulled out a random letter.

Dear Gilderoy,

Hello, it’s R. M. M. I’ve got some reviews that were recently posted in magazines for Midnights With Mermaids. As usual, the reactions are mixed. Hope you’re having a good time in New Orleans.

-R. M. M.

I took out the first review, and it was rather harsh...but this man has never given me a good review, except for Dances With Death Eaters. I don’t like this man that much...he makes me mad.

Lockhart Disappoints Again...

A Review of Midnights With Mermaids by Gilderoy Lockhart

Review Written By Daniel Logan

Gilderoy Lockhart seems to have a habit of getting into the oddest of situations. His supposed adventures are chronicled in his series of books. As you may know, Midnights With Mermaids has been available for the past four months and has sold considerably less than previous successes such as D-Day With Dracula and Dances With Death Eaters, his eerie study of Death Eaters–also his only good book. But onto this book, his worst indeed...

Lockhart has a penchant for humor in his books. Whether or not this humor occurs in real life is beyond me. Half the time the humor is not even funny. Does this self loving idiot think it’s funny? I certainly don’t, and I don’t think you will.

As usual, Lockhart gets into a series of misadventures during his study, often consisting of comical violence. It’s pathetic. I just can’t take this man anymore.

I just couldn’t take this man anymore. No matter how much I love to read my reviews, I couldn’t take it. This man opinion’s was biased. I opened the next review.

Lockhart Does it Again...

A Review of Midnights With Mermaids by Gilderoy Lockhart

Review Written By Elizabeth Harley

There is something about Gilderoy Lockhart. He’s a brave man, often undertaking brave missions. His admirers are scattered about the world, faithfully reading his books. (Like me.) He has this thing about him you just can’t put your finger on. It’s amazing. He’s got this magic touch, and Midnight With Mermaids proves he’s still got it and is here to stay. After taking a year long break, it seems everyone’s favorite writer is back full swing. His next book, Mardi Gras With Muggles is coming up soon, and I know I can’t wait.

I smiled and pulled out the next review. I had met Elizabeth once; she’s a real nice woman.

Lockhart’s Newest Book is Just Okay...

A Review of Midnights With Mermaids by Gilderoy Lockhart

A Review by Jack Jones

I’ll admit it: I’m not the biggest fan of Gilderoy Lockhart, though he occasionally can write some good stuff. (I’m not going to go into that; too many reviews have.)

Going into the book, Gilderoy Lockhart decides to start researching mermaids, deciding his already extensive library needs a book on the disgusting creatures. It’s a bad choice for Gilderoy after taking his one year vacation.

The subject matter didn’t interest me, no matter how great Gilderoy’s writing comments are. He is an alien to this society he enters, and his comments on them are quite fascinating. I have to give him credit there.

All in all, pick this up at the library...it’s a quick read that is sometimes entertaining. Here’s hoping Gilderoy can pick an interesting subject that his writing style can do justice for.

Well, it wasn’t that harsh compared to Daniel Logan’s. I had three more reviews left...

Lockhart Pulls off the Best Book of the Year!

A Review of Midnights With Mermaids by Gilderoy Lockhart

A Review by Felicia Court

Gilderoy Lockhart is an amazing writer. His novels, always full of lighthearted humor, are genius. Gilderoy is a brave man, taking on risky missions in the name of science and research.

The man himself is a dashing chap that is never afraid to do anything. He’s one of the nicest men in the world, and he has that amazing smile. It’s hard to believe a man like him could be so brave.

And as for the writing, it’s superb. I don’t want to tell you much about this book since I’m sure you don’t want to know much about it. No one likes to have a Lockhart book spoiled for them! Lockhart has pulled off the best book of the year!

How nice of her to say I had written the best book of the year...I went on to my next review...

Gilderoy Lockhart SUCKS!

A Review of Midnights With Mermaids by Gilderoy Lockhart

Review Written by Toby Janus

Gilderoy Lockhart sucks. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

Gilderoy Lockhart sucks.

His books are mindless trash sometimes devoid of accurate "facts." It must be embarrassing to be R. M. M. Klerk, the head of Cornish Pixie Publishing. His company centers around the trash Gilderoy Lockhart writes.

It’s awful. It’s pathetic. And this book is full of the mindless trash. One day, Gilderoy Lockhart decides to research mermaids. Yay!

WHO CARES? I mean, come on, why should I care about some larger than life character like Lockhart? He tries to paint himself as a normal man, but his arrogance and pride get into the way. It’s subtle but extremely noticeable. Lockhart’s writing style ticks me off. It’s humorous, but I really want a serious depiction of mermaids. (His only serious book, Dances With Death Eaters, is also his only good one.) I’m tired of seeing his mediocre books sell millions, even if I don’t mind seeing Dances at the top of the bestseller list. I’d rather Jack Pullman’s newest book, Heartstrings, at the top of that list. But I don’t know if that’s going to happen...

How harsh. Oh, well. Toby Janus is definitely another biased reviewer.

It’s Official: Gilderoy Lockhart is the Best.

A Review of Midnights With Mermaids by Gilderoy Lockhart

A Review Written by Lisa Bairn

Gilderoy Lockhart. Every person knows that name. He’s the one man that can make anything become a top seller. If his name was on a book, it would sell a billion copies, even if that book is completely empty. Amazing, huh?

But thankfully Lockhart never writes a book that is completely empty. His words are paintings, giving us enough visual clues for a scene and letting our imagination fill the rest. And the humor is almost always evident; his only exception is the dark, superb Dances With Death Eaters.

Gilderoy Lockhart’s newest novel is the tale of his experiences with mermaids. Full of scientific facts and great humor that never falls flat, it’s one of Lockhart’s best.

There are so many funny stories about Lockhart’s experiences I could tell you that would ruin the book for you. But I’m not. Lockhart’s books are not meant to be ruined by mere reviewers like me. So I’ll just leave you wondering...wondering how much this book will surprise you...

I smiled as I set the reviews down to the side. Bad reviews don’t bother me that much; I save them so I can fuel a fire quickly when I don’t have my wand handy. I randomly pulled another letter out of the bag.

Dear Mister Lockhart,

Hello. I am Jake Dolby, and I represent the Organization for the Rightful Treatment of Merpeople. I’ve read your book three times now, and being a merpeople activist, I am offended. You supposedly interview mermaids in your book. One says, "I believe these activists have no idea what we feel or anything for that matter. It’s insulting to us for people to believe we need activists that aren’t even related to us to protect our rights."

You say that you try not to offend people in your books, but you have directly offended myself and many other people that actively campaign for merpeople. Their civil rights are never considered, and they are treated with prejudice around the planet. There has been evidence your books are works of fiction, and I believe (as do other members of the Organization for the Rightful Treatment of Merpeople) that your book was targeted directly to offend us.

The letter ended with the "F" word followed by the word "you." It was then signed by Jake Dolby. I decided to write a letter back to Jake.

Dear Jake,

Thank you for your comments. I read every letter I receive and hold every comment to heart. Everything you read in my books are true, completely true, no matter what the rumors say. I believe an educated man like yourself should take the opinions of the merpeople before trying to continue on your crusade for their freedom. They like it a lot underwater. Thank you very much for the mail.

Sincerely,

Gilderoy Lockhart

Gilderoy Lockhart

I yawned and put the letter off to the side. I would send these off in bulk once I was done. I got myself a glass of water and started on my next letter.

Dear Mister Lockhart,

Hello, how are you doing? I am your BIGGEST fan. YOUR BOOKS RULE! You are God.

Your biggest fan,

Lee Hart

I looked at the letter once more. I’d been called God too many times by people for the comment to have any meaning. I decided to write a typical response, what I call "Fan Letter Format One."

"Quill," I told my quill. "Fan Letter Format One." My wand immediately went over the paper and began to write.

Dear Lee,

Thank you for your input. I love all my fan letters, and I love all my fans. You’re up at the top. Thank you so much and keep reading!

Sincerely,

Gilderoy Lockhart

Gilderoy Lockhart

I smiled to myself as I set it to the side and picked up my next letter.

Dear Mister Lockhart,

You suck.

The letter was not signed. I ripped up the letter, threw it in the trash, and pulled out the next one, which was in a very large envelope.

Dear Mister Lockhart,

Hello, Gilderoy. I am Inigo Montoya, and I represent Spanish Lion Publishing. I would like to offer you the deal of a lifetime: an exclusive publishing agreement with us, the publisher of the critically acclaimed book Heartstrings. Jack Pullman has stated numerous times that he would love to write a book with you. We know how much you love to publish mail in your books, but please do not print the enclosed contract we have drawn out for you. Thank you very much, and we at Spanish Lion cannot wait for Mardi Gras With Muggles!

Sincerely,

Inigo Montoya

PS - Can we please have an advance copy of Mardi Gras With Muggles?

I chuckled to myself as I looked over the contract. No, it wasn’t good enough. I much preferred my place at Cornish Pixie, even though Jack Pullman is one of my favorite writers. (Heartstrings is a masterpiece.)

Dear Mister Montoya,

I sadly must refuse your offer. I love Jack Pullman’s books very much, and I would love to write a book with him–whether it be nonfiction or fiction, though he has only written fiction. Once I get back from New Orleans, I will try to arrange a meeting with Jack.

And as for Mardi Gras With Muggles, it’s been a blast. New Orleans is one of the most colorful places on Earth, and it has the most insane people I’ve ever met. I’ve gotten into stranger situations than a tabloid reporter. I’m going to write a letter to Jack right now...

Sincerely,

Gilderoy Lockhart

Gilderoy Lockhart

I set the letter to the side and got up from the chair. I had just run out of paper. I found some in my new room and went back to the kitchen.

Dear Mister Pullman,

Hello, and how are you doing? I’m Gilderoy Lockhart; and according to Inigo Montoya, you would like to write a book with me. I would love to do that. If you would like to meet with me, pitch ideas, I am perfectly willing to do that.

I also must compliment you on Heartstrings. That was a perfectly written novel. I loved how the dragon’s heartstrings centered prominently, how it was the only clue at the scene of the crime. You are the best writer of crime novels working today.

Please respond! I can’t wait for your next book!

Sincerely,

Gilderoy Lockhart

Gilderoy Lockhart

PS - I will send you an advance, signed copy of Mardi Gras With Muggles if you would like. Thanks!

I put the letter to the side and pulled out another letter. I then grabbed another one. My brain was in overdrive.

Dear Mister Lockhart,

I am a concerned parent, Tyler Banks. Your books have long been known as educational and for the family. However, I recently picked up the paperback copy of Dances with Death Eaters at my local bookstore and found it on the contrary. The story lacked the humor and lightheartedness that made your previous books such a success as bedtime stories. They were exciting action/adventure tales. They proved that life was full of funny little things. But there is nothing funny about Dances with Death Eaters. Whether or not you are tying to be edgy, I don’t know. I mean it’s a great novel, but you really should stick to your image and not leap over boundaries and color outside the lines.

A concerned parent,

Tyler Banks

PS - I’m including a review by the Family Fun Group in this just to remind you how much better it is to stick to being traditional.

Gilderoy Lockhart Tries to be Edgy...and Fails...

A Review of Dances With Death Eaters by Gilderoy Lockhart

Review Written by Leah Williams of the Family Fun Group

Gilderoy Lockhart is one heck of a writer. His books are always at the top of the nonfiction bestseller lists. Whenever a new book of his comes out, people flock to the bookstore. Books sell out in minutes. Pre-ordered books are only held for an hour after a bookstore opens.

He’s almost always on top of his game. Except now. Gilderoy Lockhart has written the dark tale of his encounters with You-Know-Who’s Death Eaters. The story is scary and features the uncensored language of the Death Eaters–whose names remain anonymous throughout the entire book, unless they were arrested before publishing.

Gilderoy is, as usual, on top of the writing game. But his taste for subject matter is bad. Nobody wants read a book about Death Eaters, and the only reason that this book is selling off the shelves is because of the name of the man that wrote it. I will not be reading any other books by Lockhart until he formally apologizes for this book. Nobody wants the public exposed to the Dark Arts.

Read next week for Gilderoy Lockhart’s apology, which I’m sure he will issue after reading this.

Ah, yes...this review. I remember reading it. I never issued an apology, rather a letter that said I was sticking with my book, whether they liked it or not.

I thought for a moment. Yes, my books were usually associated with family fare. But like any other writer, I always want to try something different sometimes. It’s annoying to write the same style all the time, no matter how much I enjoy it. And it’s annoying to put up with the wrath of these censorship groups as they try to control what people read. I hate them. They try to make us writers write like we used to and attempt to ban our books. They attempt to organize boycotts and everything. It hurts sales.

Dear Mister Banks,

I don’t want to be read or anything, but didn’t the fact that the book said "ADULT NONFICTION" on the spine mean anything to you? I am tired of hearing people say that I should be like my old, clean self! It’s rude to tell a person how they should write something; it violates a thing called free speech, especially when writers try to have a change in pace. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WENT THROUGH WHILE TRYING TO WRITE DANCES WITH DEATH EATERS! Would you like to spend a few weeks with Death Eaters, accompany them on their missions?

No, I didn’t think so. Not to mention the fact that the book is completely and utterly the truth. Get over it. It’s my biggest critical success, not to mention it’s sold the most copies of any of my books. Life does not revolve around you or your pathetic attempts to censor my novels for ADULTS! Get educated before you read.

Sincerely,

Gilderoy Lockhart

Gilderoy Lockhart

I put the letter to the side and smiled, having spoken my wrath. I would have to get forgiven by God. Wrath is one of the seven deadly sins. I took out the next letter.

Dear Mister Lockhart,

I would like thank you for your depiction of Death Eaters. If the Ministry had not known I was under the influence of You-Know-Who’s spell, I could have been sent to Azkaban. I am grateful for you, and God bless you. You saved my life and my family.

Thank you so much,

Anonymous

These kinds of letters...they always make me cry. People that had been under You-Know-Who’s spell...it was scary, and it feels mindless. You are completely empty. You have no free will, though you can think for yourself, you cannot do anything without his influence...it’s shocking.

Dear Anonymous,

I’ve received this kind of letter many times. It makes me extremely happy to see that I have done good and helped people live a better life. Anonymous, whoever you are, God bless you. I’m glad you are living a happy life.

Sincerely,

Gilderoy Lockhart

Gilderoy Lockhart

I set the letter off to the side and went through many more. There were so many. (Half of them were from PASSPORT, asking if I had used my credit card yet. Typical.)

Once I was done, I divided my letters in the bag with a dividing charm and walked into Archie’s mail room and sent the letters off. It was 7:00 PM.

I was hungry.