Mardi Gras With Muggles

"Hello again," said the man at the ticket booth. "Got your ticket?" The man was smiling. I really wanted to rip that smile off his face.

"Yes," I said as I pulled it out of my jacket pocket and handed it to him. The man looked it over.

"Well, it’s not a fake..." he said as he ripped part of it off. He then handed the stub back to me and smiled. "Your seat is in the balcony." I walked away from the ticket booth, heading up the stairs. There was a door on the side. On it was the label "BALCONY."

I opened the door, discovering a dark, narrow stairway. It was almost completely vertical. I climbed up and saw a rather empty balcony. I could see one person in it: Archie Delis.

"Hey," I whispered as I sat in my seat next to Archie.

"You got here mighty early," Archie said as my seat began to squeak.

"So did you," I said.

"You’ve got forty-five minutes till this thing starts," Archie said as he sat back in his chair. I nodded and sat back in my chair as well.

"So, what’s the big thing with these balls?" I asked. "I mean, I read about ’em and all; but what’s with them? I don’t know if I get it. What’s the theme? Why must there be a theme?" Archie put his finger over his mouth.

"You see, the theme’s usually kept secret till the beginning, when they announce it. Now I say usually, ’cause sometimes it gets out into the open. The royalty’s kept secret, too," Archie said.

"Like the king and queen?" I asked.

"Yeah, and everything else."

"I see," I said.

"You’ll be seeing a lot more when it actually starts," Archie said. He pointed at the bright tropical balloons decorating the auditorium floor. There was a huge middle section. "I wonder what all that means."

I shrugged. "Perhaps the theme has to do with balloons," I suggested. Archie shook his head.

"They did that last year: Balloon Animals. Didn’t exactly pump the crowd," Archie said. I tried to imagine people dressed like balloon animals, but I couldn’t. It was sad.

"I see," I said. "What was the king dressed like?"

"The king and queen were dressed like balloon vendors. Typical, huh?" Archie said.

"The captain?"

"A dog. You should see all the things they had: elephants, hippos, mosquitos, cats..." Archie said. It seemed just too insane.

"Well, it must have taken them tons of money," I said.

"Actually, it was the cheapest ball they ever put on," Archie replied.

"Why?" I asked.

"Spandex."

It was 6:00. The lights had gone dim a few minutes ago. "It’s starting," Archie said as two spotlights danced on the curtains.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 1989 Krewe of Adonis Mardi Gras Ball!" said a voice on the intercom. "But first, before we start, let’s have a sing-along."

Archie and I looked at each other, confused–well, we couldn’t see our faces; but you get the idea.

Tropical music began to play. I could almost sense Archie concentrating. "I know this song," he said. "I know this song."

I could hear excited whispers in the crowd.

"Margaritaville!" Archie exclaimed. I remembered this song.

"Nibblin’ on sponge cake...watchin’ the sun bake. All of the tourists covered in oil. Sturmmin’ my six-string...on my front porch swing. Smell those shrimp...they’re beginnin’ to boil...

"Wastin’ away again in Margaritaville! Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt. Some people say that there’s a woman to blame. But I know...it’s nobody’s fault..."

And off we sang, singing Jimmy Buffet’s "Margaritaville."

"Was that enough?" asked the announcer as we finished. We did not seem to think so. There was some upbeat music playing, and we launched into the next song:

"She came down from Cincinnati. It came took her three days on a train. Lookin’ for some peace and quiet...hoped to see the sun again.

"But now she lives down by the ocean. She’s takin’ care to look for sharks! They hang out in the local bars, and they feed right after dark...

"Can’t you feel ’em circlin’, honey? Can’t you feel swimmin’ around? You got fins to the left, fins to the right; you’re the only girl in town!"

The crowd had already launched into a dance, which consisted of putting your hands on top of your head in a fin shape and moving to the left and right.

The crowd did not seem to think this was enough. They then sang "Volcano" before the announcer quit on them.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to get started. Please remain quiet. Now, as you may see, this year’s theme is a tribute to Jimmy Buffet. Ladies and gentlemen, may we now start the 1989 Krewe of Adonis Ball, with the theme of Margaritaville!" the announcer said. The crowd remained in a state of silence.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are having technical problems. Please–" the announcer’s voice was cut off. The crowd went bonkers. There was screaming everywhere. The lights flickered on and off.

"What’s going on?" I asked Archie. Perhaps this was normal for the Krewe of Adonis.

"The sound’s gone bad, and the lights are going on and off. What does it look like?" Archie said.

A spotlight centered to a figure on the stage. The man had a megaphone in his hand.

"Hello," he said. "I’m the technical advisor here, and our sound system is down. The lighting was just to warn you that we’re taking a break. We’re working on the sound right now. In about thirty minutes, we’ll tell you if it’s up or not. If it’s not, we do have a backup stereo; or we’ll just use this megaphone. Please do not sue us, and we apologize for any inconvenience."

"That just sucks," Archie said. "What a waste. You wanna leave? The tickets were free."

"Let’s wait," I said. "It’s bound to be fixed."

Archie nodded as the lights came back on. "It still sucks," he said.

Thirty minutes later, the lights flickered and turned off. "The sound has been fixed," said the announcer. "Welcome, once more, to the Krewe of Adonis Mardi Gras ball! We regret any delay that has occurred, but we couldn’t help it. This auditorium is too old."

Then it began. The spotlight danced on the curtain, and tropical music played. It crescendoed and stopped.

First came out members of last year’s ball, followed by who would replace them for this year. There were Dukes, Maids, all kinds of things.

The each had costumes to make them look like they were out of a Buffet song. There was a group of sharks, two people made to look like sailors, and others–my favorite was the cheeseburger.

And then came the Captain, dressed like Jimmy Buffet(or a member of his band...I wasn’t sure.). He walked around and waved at us, just like everyone else.

Then came the King and Queen. The Queen was dressed in a fancy dress, and the King looked slightly like Jimmy Buffet. They waved and sat in two large chairs at the center of the stage.

After the ball, we walked out of the auditorium and used the bathroom. There was a party scheduled for after the ball.

"Did you like it?" Archie asked as I walked out. I nodded.

"It was boring...but interesting," I said. "The costume designs were certainly intriguing."

"I already told you about last year, didn’t I?" Archie asked as we walked out the corridor that held the bathrooms.

"Yes," I said. "Do they have any pictures? I’d like to look at them."

Archie shook his head. "Don’t ask me, though there may be some kind of photo album. And I do suggest staying low around here. These drunks...they’re crazy–especially at Mardi Gras. That’s when the drinking limit seems to disappear. Maybe the cops are drunk, too...I dunno," Archie said. I nodded, and we made our way into the life of the party.

"Hey! Connie!" said a man to me. I stared at him. I could use this man to my advantage and get a pretty good laugh at it. The man ran up to me and hugged me.

"I missed you so much, you pretty thing," he said as he tried to kiss me. I slammed him in the jaw.

"Don’t talk to me like that!" I said in a loud voice. Nobody seemed to notice.

"What? Was it something I did? I promise I won’t get arrested on our next date..." the man said. He tried to kiss me again. I kneed him right below the waist. "Oh, God! That’s it! I can’t take this no more!"

The man swung at me. I ducked and grabbed his leg, sending him falling to the floor.

Must I always get into fights with crazed men?

The man bit into my arm. I kicked him in the face. The man’s face began to bleed. He cursed at me before landing a kick in my chest.

"Connie, come on! I promise, I’ll be better. Come on!" the man said. I stared at him in confusion.

"Who the heck is Connie?" I said as he collapsed on the floor. The man got up and stared at me in shock.

"Oh my God! Connie! She’s dead!" the man said before falling again, unconscious.

"Give him air!" I said as a crowd drew. The man’s eyes opened for an instant.

"Is he dead?" Archie asked as he pushed and shoved through the circle surrounding me.

"I certainly hope not," I replied as I checked the man’s pulse. "He’s alive, but barely. I’ll bet he’s extremely drunk."

"What did he have to drink?" Archie asked me. "He called you Connie, for crying out loud."

"I guess he had too much," I said, getting up. "Did anyone come here with this man?" I asked the crowd.

"I did!" said a woman with red hair. "I’m Connie! Can you help me carry this man out?" I nodded. Connie stood there as Archie and me tried to lift the man up. We carried him to a bench outside.

"Could you get could your car please?" I asked, out of breath.

"Sure thing," Connie said. We buckled the body into the front seat. "Thanks," Connie said.

"Don’t mention it," a tired Archie said.

"Yeah," I added.

"Gum?" Connie asked.

"No thanks; I can barely talk," Archie said.

"Yeah," I added.

"Okay! Thanks!" Connie said, sticking many pieces of gum in her mouth and driving away. I collapsed on the concrete.

"Hello?" Archie asked. I was in Archie’s house. Archie had circles under his eyes.

"What time is it?" I asked Archie. "What day is it?" Archie pointed to the clock.

"Ten AM," Archie said. "You fainted out there. And it’s a Friday."

"What time did the ball end?" I asked.

"The party started at 9:30. You got into the fight with the psycho Connie lover, then you helped bring his nearly dead body out...you better thankful she’s not gonna sue," Archie said.

"I am," I said. "Was that guy drunk?"

"Extremely," Archie said. "He was arrested a few hours later for disturbing the peace and sexual harassment."

"My head hurts," I said. It was about the only thing I could say. Archie nodded.

"You really should stop getting into fights, Gilderoy," he said with a smirk.

"I can’t help it," I said. "People seem to provoke me."

"You do have a penchant for getting into fights with people," Archie said. "It’s odd, with you supposedly being a peace loving man and all. I hope you are bending the facts for your book."

"My book is exactly the truth. Completely and utterly everything that happens to me," I said proudly.

"I pity your readers," Archie said, smiling.

"I’m gonna wipe that smirk off your face," I told Archie.

"Might as well do it now," Archie said.

"I’m too tired," I said.

"Me, too. I don’t know if you should go to a parade today," Archie said.

"Why?" I asked. "Do you have any idea how long I have to stay here?"

"You leave Wednesday," Archie said.

"You were supposed to take me to Bourbon Street the day after I got here," I told Archie.

"I’m lazy," he said. "Besides, Bourbon Street’s full of kooks and weird places. It’s a tough place to be in, but I’ll take you their Tuesday."

"I mean, you don’t have to..." I said.

"No, it’s every tourist’s dream. You need to go there," Archie said. He smiled.

"Do you have some headache medicine?" I asked Archie as I got up, discovering I was wearing what I had worn the night before.

"Yeah, I got some Tylenol. It’s in the kitchen. Why don’t you take a shower first?" Archie asked as I stepped on the floor.

" ’Kay, sure," I said Archie walked out the bedroom. I could smell something peculiar. "What’s that smell?"

"Cookies," Archie said. "Chocolate chip." Archie stopped at the door frame. "Bathroom’s right over here," he said, pointing across the hall. "I got your suitcase in there."

"Thanks," I said. Archie shut the door.

I stepped out of the bathroom, newly clean. I walked through the expansive white hallway of Archie’s house to the kitchen, following my sense of smell.

"They’re delicious," Archie said. I nodded and grabbed a cookie.

"They certainly are. Are we going to a parade?" I asked.

"What did I tell you?" Archie asked with a frown on his face. "You really need a day off."

"I already had that," I said. "Besides, where’s the Tylenol?" Archie opened a cabinet and grabbed the Tylenol, then threw it to me. He gave me a class of water.

"Take two," he said.

"I know, I know. You’re not my mother," I told Archie before I swallowed my painkillers.

"I’m glad about that," Archie said. "How is your mum anyway?"

"She’s doing great. Healthier than ever," I told him.

"And your father?" Archie asked.

"Well, he has cancer," I told him. "Not bad though."

"I’m sorry," Archie said.

"That’s okay. It’s nothing major; they caught it extremely early," I said. Archie smiled.

"That’s good. He’s a nice chap. So’s your mum, though she’s not a chap," Archie pointed out.

"She better not be," I said with a laugh.

"Yeah," Archie said, not able to think of anything to say. Our conversation was entering a point where neither one of us could think of a subject. It is a grave state in the art of conversation.

"I know," I said. Archie nodded, and we were silent.

"I can’t think of anything to say," Archie confessed.

"Neither can I," I told him.

"Oh, well," Archie said. "Is this event going down in your book?"

"Yes," I said. "It’s an example of reality in my book."

"Your book is nonfiction," Archie pointed out.

"Yes, I know that; but I need to give examples of the times I don’t go to parades," I said.

"You’ve only been to one," Archie said. "Life certainly seems to like to make you get into many misadventures.

"That’s the one thing I don’t like about life: everything it puts me through to reach my goal," I said.

"Life can be pretty harsh. Anyway, tomorrow I’ll take you to a parade. I dunno which one, though..." Archie said. "There are a few good ones, and there’s one in this really small town..."

"Really?" I said.

"Yeah, but I’m sure you don’t want to drive ninety minutes to go there," Archie said.

"Good point," I said. "Anyway, which one would we go to?"

"Wanna go to the Adonis parade?" Archie suggested.

"I’ve had enough of them," I answered.

"Well, I guess we could figure that out tomorrow. Do you wanna check out of your hotel and stay here the rest of your trip?" Archie asked.

"I guess...I need to call Klerk. By the way, did I get any mail?" Archie nodded.

"Too much. Including a few things from Passport. And since you have a lot of free time, I figure you could read through all of it," Archie said. He left the room and reappeared with a large canvas bag.

"Happy trails."