Mardi Gras With Muggles

I woke up that Saturday and hit my head on the ceiling, for I had jumped extremely high out of bed. (How I jumped was beyond me.) Today, I was going to my second parade, my third Mardi Gras event.

I showered and got dressed in some comfortable clothes. The time was 8:32 AM.

"Hello, Gilderoy," said Archie as I walked into the kitchen, feeling the vinyl floor underneath my feet. Archie stood behind the cypress wood island in the middle of the kitchen.

"Donuts?" he asked, taking a chocolate one. I nodded.

"You have glazed?" I asked him.

"Gilderoy Lockhart, always the plain type." He smiled and handed me a glazed donut. It was hot, the best kind.

"So, what parade are we going to?" I asked. Archie looked over at a piece of paper on the island.

"Do you want me to make the choice? Or you?" Archie asked, speaking in his ever cryptic way.

"You’re the expert," I told him as Archie pulled the schedule up.

"Hmm...let’s see...well, there’s Apollo, Atlantis, Iris...what do you want? Then there’s Endymion and Ulysses, to name a few notables," Archie announced.

"Hmm," I said, pondering. "Which one is the best?"

"Endymion’s really good," Archie said. "It’s a fairly clean parade. Security’s real tight."

"Clean?" I asked.

"Yes, clean," Archie said.

"As in no litter, bad smells, crazed drunkards, or drug dealers?" I questioned. Archie laughed.

"Those are things you can’t escape in New Orleans. There’s just no gratuitous nudity."

I too did believe this was something a married man should avoid. "What time does it start?" I asked Archie. Archie checked the schedule once more.

"Five. As for what to do then, I figure you should to Klerk. He’s been missing you. Ya’ll really should talk more often," Archie told me.

"Ya’ll?" I asked, wondering what this strange word meant.

"You all," Archie said. "I swear, some people and their ignorance for other languages..."

"You’re right; I speak English, not South Louisianan," I told him.

"And that’s not how you say it either. Down here, we say it Louie-ze-anna, not Lou-ze-anna," he said, spelling it phonetically for me.

"Okay," I said. "I’ll go make that phone call."

I stepped into my room and picked up the phone. Then I set it down. "Archie, the number’s extremely long distance!" I yelled to Archie across the house.

"It’s okay!" Archie replied. "We’ve got the money!"

Brave last words. I picked up the phone and dialed Archie’s number. Hopefully, he was still at work.

"Hello, and thank you for calling Pixie Movers," said a recording on the other end. I recognized this front, designed to stop Muggles that dial wrong numbers.

"Archie Delis please," I said. I heard a click on the other line.

"Hello?" asked a gruff British voice. "I’m leaving work; so whoever you are, you’re ticking me off."

"Archie, it’s me! Gilderoy!"

"Yeah, do you know how many times I get that a day? Okay, if you’re Lockhart, then what’s your next book after Mardi Gras With Muggles? You talked about it with me all the time, and this was your dream project," Klerk said.

"My autobiography. We haven’t titled it yet," I said. Perhaps Magical Me is a good title...

"Okay, I guess you’re Lockhart. Anyway, why haven’t you been calling in?" Klerk asked me.

"I’ve been busy," I told him. "Yesterday I was answering fan mail, and today I’m going to parade. Friday I was at a Mardi Gras ball."

"You sound pretty busy. Did you get the letter I sent you?" R. M. M. said.

"Yes, I did. I still cannot stand how harsh these reviews can be, but I get over it," I said. "I always like those positive reviews though."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Good reviews are always good publicity," Klerk said, always the positive thinker.

"Whatever, R. M. Anyway, things have been going swell here; the book’s gonna be superb."

"That’s great. Anyway, don’t want to build up that long distance bill, so I guess I’ll be saying goodbye now," Klerk said.

"Bye." And with that, the phone was hung up.

"Time to go," Archie said at four. "It’s about a thirty minute drive. Get in Old Maria. She’s fixed."

" ’Kay," I said. I noticed the chairs in the backseat, along with the bags.

Archie tried to start up the car. It grunted, resisting his efforts with the keys to turn it on.

"Come on!" he said. "I really don’t feel like apparating today..." He tried again. No response.

Archie cursed, then stepped out of Old Maria. I grabbed the chairs and the bags and got out as well.

"Well, we can leave five minutes before the parade starts," Archie said. "But it looks like Old Maria’s died on me..." Archie leaned against the truck. "It’s been a great nine years." Archie turned back to me.

"You sure you can’t fix it?" I asked.

"Old Maria’s died out before...but never like this. It sounded extremely different than all the other times I’ve taken her to the shop...I’ll guess I’ll name my next truck New Maria..."

"That’s a good name; I don’t think Maria, Junior, would be good..." I said as Archie put his hand on the window, staring solemnly at his truck like a man mourning a beloved relative.

"Yes...now please leave me and Maria alone...please?" Archie asked as his eyes began to swell up.

"Sure," I said and walked away.

We found ourselves behind a very dirty building a few feet away from the parade. Archie’s face was red, and he had the bags in his hand. I had gotten stuck with the chairs.

"Over there...not as big of a crowd," Archie said, pointing to a trash inhabited area of the street.

"Oh, great," I said as we sat down. "Where exactly on the parade route is this?"

"The middle...we still got here early...would have been here at the same time..." Archie said, pulling down the folding chair and sitting down on the street’s edge.

"It’s hot out here," I told Archie. Archie stretched out in his chair, hitting my head.

"It’s almost always hot here. I remember once though; it actually snowed. That’s rare though. More likely to rain," my friend stated. "It’s humid out here, too. And it never ends. Well, sometimes it gets crazy; and my nose starts to bleed...almost everyone’s nose bleeds then. It’s always an extremely tough time then..." And Archie continued on, relating the story of his wife’s nosebleed.

I simply nodded and waited for the parade to start...

And the parade came. It followed the format of the Hercules parade really. Their theme seemed to be "Witches and Wizards." The captain was dressed in a dark blue cloak with golden stars and wore a similar tall hat. And as for his shoes, they were laughable. The ends were rolled and pointed up. Well, at least we know Muggles aren’t in touch with our world.

I received golden, purple, and green doubloons from the main royalty. The front had a mask with the words "THE KREWE OF ENDYMION" running through it. The back had a man pointing a wand, which seemed to have sparks coming from it.

"Like their theme?" Archie asked as he caught some beads from a float decorated like a castle. I caught a pair of pantyhose.

"Ugh," I said.

"Nice undies," Archie told me as he caught a plastic cup with a royalty listing on it.

"Oh, very funny." A group of children were jumping and screaming at a man on the float to throw them stuff, but it seemed the floats had stopped. The man was dressed to be like some kind of troll and was chatting with a friend.

Then the floats began to move. The man gave his friend a huge bag of beads–the nice type–and went on. The children never got anything.

"You big meanie!" yelled one boy, about eight.

"Loser!" yelled a girl, who looked to be ten. The man didn’t look back, and I was sure he probably didn’t care.

I slumped back into my chair, wiping my brow. "It’s too hot," I said. "Stupid heat wave..."

"Marching band’s coming," Archie said as a float passed by. "That song’s "Mardi Gras Mambo." Real popular during this holiday."

The band must have been pretty hot, wearing those uniforms...I could smell some of the members on the farthest side from where I was. The band was from Shreveport, Louisiana.

The next float was dressed like a dragon. There was even fire coming out of the "nose." The people on it were dressed like dragons as well, and they seemed to be all children.

And these children...not many throws went to adults. It seemed to be revenge on the ignorant adults that did not care much for the children that seemed to be much more in the spirit than adults.

All the children around me were going crazy, and the kids on the float were as well. They must have been out of throws on the float by the time they moved on.

After a truck advertising Bernie’s Bakery (the largest sponsor of the parade, with five locations throughout New Orleans) came a marching band, this one from Alabama. They were playing a tune I had never heard before, but it certainly was good.

Then came a group of local politicians on a float. "That’s the mayor of New Orleans, a Democrat. And there’s another councilman...most of them are Republicans...and that’s good," Archie told me as we were bombarded by throws from the politicians.

"What?" I asked, confused. The American political system is not for me.

"The Republicans are the guys that support business. They’re conservatives. And the best. The dumb Democrats support the working folk, in other words the guy living across the street from you that’s been on welfare forever. See my point?" Archie asked, giving me this oh so brief look into the American political party system.

"Yes, I see. And Louisiana’s primarily poor, so it’s dominated by Democrats...yes, I see..." I said. It made sense...Archie was always a guy that believed in business first.

"It makes the world go ’round," he had once said. Politics were a very personal subject for the former spy, and it was easy to see why.

Then came another marching band. Did it ever stop? They were silent, this one...

Then we got a float from the sponsor, Jack Hyde, U.S. Congressman, promoting peace, equal rights, and gumbo. "Gumbo?" I asked, not aware of this strange thing.

"It’s like a soup. Heavily flavored with all kinds of foods in it. Really good," Archie said. It certainly sounded like it.

And on the parade came, throwing marching bands at us left and right, along with some floats and sponsors’ ads...it was a show. Mardi Gras parades are definitely good advertising. I wished this ritual was as known in the wizard world...imagine the profits I could pull in from a float.

Archie stopped at Old Maria. This was really tough on him, but it just proves you can’t get too emotionally attached to material objects...

"Old Maria," he said. "Old Maria, why do you have to leave me now? Couldn’t we have just had one more week? I never got to say goodbye..." I saw Archie’s reflection in the window.

"Archie, I think I’ll leave you...two alone," I said. Archie nodded.

"Yes," he said while sobbing. "That would be best. Turn on the weather forecast when you get inside, okay?" Archie asked as he stepped inside the car.

"Sure," I said and stepped inside. I walked into the living room and grabbed the remote, turning the TV on.

"Oh, Jack...I love you," said the woman on TV. The man standing next to her stared her in the eyes.

"You...you killed my wife...my children...oh, God I love you!" The man and woman proceeded to kiss passionately.

How did I change the channel? I pressed a button, and up the channel went.

"Hello!" said a man on the TV. "I bet you’re wondering who I am! Well, I’m here to solve your problems! Buy my book, The Men’s Guide to Solving Problems! This book will show you how to kick your door properly and how hard to slam that–" Up the channel went.

"Maybe it was Utah..." said the man on TV...up goes the channel. Ah, I had found the Weather Channel.

"And for all you in New Orleans...it looks like the next two days of party season are going to be a bummer. Yes, folks, it’s gonna rain. And it’s gonna rain hard. So hard, Mardi Gras will be canceled! Haha! Haha! Haha! Haha!" said the forecaster.

"Archie," I said as I opened the outside door to find Archie trying to start the car. "It’s gonna pour."

The car grunted and died. Archie opened the door and stopped out, his face covered with sweat. "What?" he asked. I saw lightning and heard thunder. Then it began to pour.

"It’s gonna pour!" I said as another thunderclap sounded. Archie nodded.

"I can see that!" he said sarcastically.

"For the next two days!" I told him.

"What? Two days?"

"Yeah!" I said. Archie punched through air.

"Don’t think there are gonna be many parades if the forecast’s right..." Archie said. "And that sucks; we’re gonna miss the Eve parade. I don’t like going to a parade in the rain..."

He was right. Sunday, it poured. Monday, it poured. We did not go to a parade. Tuesday, the sun was shining brightly through the window.

"Bacon?" I asked as I walked into the kitchen. Archie nodded. "Did you check me out of my hotel?"

"Yeah, got Klerk to get ya’ out," Archie said. He put the bacon on a plate for me. "Enjoy."

"Are you gonna eat?" I asked. Archie shook his head.

"I’ve tried my cooking."

We found ourselves on Bourbon Street at about 4:43. We had apparated into a McDonald’s bathroom stall, which was pleasantly being used at the moment.

"Sorry to drop in," Archie said. The woman sitting on the stall stared at us blankly for about a second.

Then she screamed.

"They’re coming to–" she began. Archie pulled his wand out of his pocket. "Oh my God, you’re wizards!"

"Yes," Archie said. "Now I’m a very happily married man, and I would not think of doing what you’re suggesting in a McDonald’s bathroom stall! And while my friend here may be single, he’s not that immoral." Archie grinned. "Or at least I don’t think he is..." I elbowed Archie in the stomach.

"Look, could you get out of my stall?" the woman whispered. "You’re not even supposed to be in here!"

"Hold on," Archie said. "We’ll get out in a few moments. Now, would you just remain calm please? I’m going to perform a magic spell on you that will turn you into a toad."

"Don’t do that," I whispered.

"I’m just putting on a memory charm, but I can her think she’s a toad if you want," Archie said.

"That’s okay," I told him. Archie nodded and stared at the woman, who was trying to conceal as much as possible.

"Now, just hold on...this won’t take long..." Archie said. The woman began to scream as Archie performed the charm. Then she was asleep, which allowed us to make an easy escape out the stall, finding ourselves in an otherwise empty bathroom. We walked out, which no one noticed as well.

"Close one, huh?" Archie asked as we walked towards the entrance. I felt like people were staring at me, but it seemed no one actually was.

"Yeah," I said. "Almost too close. But how did we manage to appear in a women’s bathroom? I thought we were aiming for the men’s."

"Slight miscalculation," Archie said, shrugging. "Too bad, huh?"

"Whatever," I said as I was greeted by the bright sunshine of the outdoors. The street was not as narrow or mysterious as I had imagined it. There were lines of bars, a shop called the Argus Magical Bazaar, a Mardi Gras store, and a few fast food places.

"Seems like a typical street, huh?" Archie asked. I nodded. "Well, guess what?"

"What?" I asked as we neared the parade crowd.

"It’s not," Archie assured me as we pulled visors from our pockets, along with chairs and bags. I looked across the street, noticing a couple pulling chairs from their pockets as well.

"How many other wizards are there in New Orleans?" I asked. Archie shrugged.

"A very slim minority here practice voodoo. Voodoo’s really just hope you’ve got a hint of magic, doesn’t do much. Except for that voodoo doll, though you can make those out of any doll with normal magic. And as I said with voodoo, it’s complete luck. You could turn a cat into a dog the first time, but you never how much luck you’ll have the second time," Archie said as he leaned back.

"When’s the parade coming?"

"Thirty minutes," Archie said, checking his watch. "Might as well pull out your water bottle." I did so.

"Here comes the police," I said at 5:23. "The police that lead the Krewe of Apollo." The police passed by.

The theme for this Krewe seemed to be "A Day at the Circus." The captain was the ringmaster, dressed in exotic colors. The king and queen waved to us. I received a purple doubloon. On the back of it was a ringmaster with lions and tigers above him. The doubloon was framed by a circus tent. The doubloon was definitely a work of art.

The next float held the lower royalty, and it was a dressed like a circus top. The clowns and acrobats on the float were rather lazy; I got cheap beads and a cup.

But they treated Archie rather nicely. He got better throws than any of the kids around...and me. The kids around us stared at Archie in awe, as if he was some kind of hero.

"It was all luck," he said as a marching band stopped and played for us horribly. They were from Oklahoma. They were the Pioneer Band. They couldn’t play for their lives...

"How come they can’t play? They must be embarrassing themselves," I said. Shouldn’t only the best come to Mardi Gras?

"They do suck," Archie agreed as the band walked past us. "But maybe that’s ’cause they’re from Oklahoma." Archie caught a cup. "Hey, gratuitous nudity over there!" Archie pointed at two women...they were taking off their shirts. And they were rewarded for it...with beads. Nice ones, I must add. (I’m talking about the beads.)

There was much more, and they were all being rewarded. I did briefly consider engaging in this practice, but I decided not to.

Once more, it seemed like every parade was exactly the same. The endless party finally stopped; and we were left to roam the streets, stopping at the Mardi Gras gift shop. I picked up a T-shirt and a cap that said "Mardi Gras" in purple.

I dropped into the Magic Bazaar and picked up a fake magic wand. What a scam! It was black with a white tip! Stupid, I tell ya’...completely fake.

Then we returned to McDonald’s (the men’s bathroom) and apparated away.

It was Ash Wednesday. I walked into the New Orleans International Airport and looked around, checking the schedules for departures. Ah...mine left in five hours.

I had adequate time to catch my flight...hopefully....

The End