Oh Voldie, Where Art Thou?

Oh Voldie, Where Art Thou

Chapter Two

The Ship of Fools

(In Which Lucius is a Man of Constant Sorrow, Our Three Villains Travel on the Ship of Fools, and Manage to Get Back to The Mainland.)

"Welcome to the Ship of Fools," said a blue demon in a dull voice. It looked from the humans to the Dementor. "Do you have a reservation?"

"Oh, no. I don't," the Dementor replied in a humble voice. It dipped a slimy hand into its robes, and produced a bag full of what sounded like coins. "How much is the fare again?"

"Ten ghouls," said the monotone demon. He began to eye the humans, and then remarked, "Six extra for bringing live food on board."

Lucius, Craven, and Grey exchanged looks.

Craven started to edge his way toward the gangplank when he discovered it no longer existed. He sighed.

The Dementor chuckled. "No, no, these humans are not food. They should be esteemed guests." He upturned the bag onto his palm and a number of wispy, howling creatures flew out. They opened their mouths and let out moans before vanishing altogether. "They are Death Eaters, you see."

Suddenly, silence reigned over the ship, as if the noise had been sliced with a razor-sharp blade. All eyes, living and undead, turned to the three humans standing at the entry point of the ship.

"What should we do?" Craven said to Lucius in hasty yet quiet tones.

"Leave it to me," Lucius replied in snapping, curt tones. He stepped before the three men, cleared his throat, and spoke in a loud and clear voice. "On behalf of our Lord and Master, Voldemort, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, He-Who-Is-Feared, and the Ever Esteemed You-Know-Who, we three wizards newly released from Azkaban thank you very much for your hospitality, and assure you that you will be rewarded by giving us safe passage."

The dark creatures looked at one another, their faces changing to surprise. Then, they burst into applause.

"Wow," Grey said. "That was right good, Luc."

"I know," Lucius replied, dusting off the sleeve of his robes. "That's why I'm Master's favorite and you're not."

"Well, that's more like it." The blue demon at least looked pleased, though his voice lacked tone of any sort. "Now. As you lot are Death Eaters, I'll only charge you five apiece."

Lucius froze in place. He slowly turned his glance from the sleeve of his prison robes to the blue demon.

Before Lucius could speak, Grey blurted out, "But I thought you would give us safe passage!"

"We will," the demon replied calmly. "That is, we won't harm your person on your voyage. But that doesn't mean that you're going for free, does it?"

Thinking quickly, Lucius turned to the Dementor. "If we were to borrow some of your...dark creature money...I assure you, the Dark Lord would pay you back tenfold for our safe return."

The Dementor laughed. "I don't have the money to lend you, Lucius Malfoy. And you're getting off at England, while I have much further to go. Best of luck to you, Death Eaters, and do say hello to your Dark Master when you return." It turned, and swept toward a set of stairs leading to the lower decks of the ship.

Craven opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"Hmph!" The blue demon grinned at the three wizards, showing several rows of extremely pointed teeth. "Try to get on the Ship of Fools without paying, are you?"

The conversation ceased upon the deck of the ship again, but this time, as Lucius looked around at the assortment of dark creatures, he noticed that they slowly began to draw closer and closer.

Craven dug his elbow into Lucius's ribs with such force that the blond wizard gasped. "Lucius, you're worth billions of galleons. Offer them some!"

"Your mortal money will not work here, Death Eaters." The blue demon began to drool a dark liquid that looked suspiciously like blood. "We do not allow stowaways on the Ship of Fools. You must earn your keep."

Lucius muttered, "Damn, we're in a tight spot."

Grey squeaked in a high-pitched voice, "I'll say!"

"The machine!" The Boggart-that-looked-like-Lucius's-Mother-In-Law cackled and waved her cane in the air as she spoke. "Let them use the machine as payment for their passage!"

"The machine," two Dementors agreed in hissing tones. "They must use the machine."

The air surrounding the boat became filled with quiet, hissing, and rhythmic chanting: "Ma-chine. Ma-chine. Ma-chine..."

The blue demon roared.

Lucius growled.

Grey and Craven screamed.

The inhabitants of the boat shouted, and suddenly the wizards were swept off of their feet and carried aloft. Lucius struggled against the slimy and gore-stained hand that held him tight, but found that it only encouraged the dark creatures to laugh even louder. Suddenly, he, Craven, and Grey were thrown to the wooden floor of the deck.

"The machine!" A voice roared.

Lucius looked up slowly, and saw a large black box before him, the front of which was covered by a strange sort of screen. As the dark creatures cheered, Lucius rolled over and sat up. Another box stood on a table to his left, but this one glowed blue, with a black and red design that swirled around words that read: 'Voldemortron Karaoke'.

A grindylow shouted, "Sing!"

Lucius saw a shadowy leviathan shove a strange object into his hand. It looked not unlike an ice cream cone, including ice cream, save for the fact that both were black.

"Dark Master's favorite torture device! Don't look at the box!" Craven said in a high-pitched voice.

Grey screamed again. He slapped Lucius's hand, and the blond Death Eater dropped the object in surprise.

The crowd booed.

Lucius slapped Grey across one of his plump cheeks. "Get hold of yourself, man!" He said, his own pale face tingeing with red. "We are wizards! We learned how to control some of these creatures when we were children!"

A hag raised her gnarled walking stick, and then waved it through the air. She pointed it at Lucius.

Lucius continued, in a low and firm voice, "We are in complete control of the situ..."

"Imperio!" Shouted the hag.

Suddenly, Lucius's eyes widened. His expression altered, becoming calm and relaxed.

The Dark Creatures began to cheer wildly.

"Turn on the machine!" An overly large runespoor called out.

We might imagine that Lucius felt better for the first time in months. That, were he to have a broomstick, he could have gone sailing through the air and enjoyed the feeling of the wind through his prized blond mane. That he would have gone skipping through the meadows surrounding Malfoy Manor were he to actually be there. However, as he was under the complete control of the hag, in a curse similar to Imperius, but just too powerful for him to break it, he turned to look at the blue screen, and brought the black ice cream cone to his pale lips.

Grey squealed. He drew his fist back to cause some sort of brutish harm to Lucius, perhaps in what he thought was a justifiable attempt to aid his companion. We shall never know, alas, for we are not in Grey's head. We only know that with another twirl of the hag's walking stick, and two more shouted Imperius spells, the two large men suddenly fell silent. Their lips alighted with silly smiles. They took up their own black ice cream cones, and held them meekly.

From one of the instruments, banjo music began to play. Words appeared on the blue screen. And, as the hag began to dip her walking stick through the air, as if conducting the music, Lucius Malfoy, Craven Crabbe, and Grey Goyle began to sing:

I am a man of constant sorrow,

I've seen trouble all my days...

The Dark Creatures began to cheer wildly. The runespoors began to sway in time with the music, and the hags formed a circle, grabbed hands, and spun around in a circle that nearly spanned the ship.

Our intrepid villains, however, could do nothing but sing, as the curse upon them was a powerful one, and would not allow them to resist it. We must assume that the curse cleared their mind of all doubt, leaving only a blank, serene feeling, for they did not resist the torture inherent within the machine.

In truth, none of the three had a bad voice, though none should consider a career in singing. The convicts certainly could carry a tune.

A troll raised his hand to the sky, and then brought it back to his face, grunting as he did so. He scratched his head, stooped down, and tore a railing from the side of the ship. Grunting in triumph, he broke it into pieces, handing them around to the other trolls.

Through this open world I'm about to ramble

Through ice, snow, sleet and rain

I am about to rob the mornin' railroad

Perhaps I'll die on that train...

The trolls seemed to know what to do with the bits of wood: set them ablaze, and raise them high. Soon, they were swaying in time with the music, their torches leaving trails of smoke in the very cloudy sky. One of the trolls allowed his torch to stray a bit too far, and one of the sails of the Ship of Fools was set ablaze. The troll grunt-shouted and backed up, tripping over a barrel. It landed on a grindylow, squashing it flat.

Two demons threw the contents of a barrel on the sail, putting out the flames. All of this, the convicts were blissfully unaware as their notes carried into the darkening sky.

~*~*~*~

"We sang a Muggle song," Lucius said as he stared out over the ship. The aristocrat tried to sit as erect as he could while trying to perch himself on a crate, but in the end, he gave up, and slouched slightly, crossing his arms over his thin form.

"Aye. But they made us, Luc," Grey said, looking up at Lucius. He was half-curled up in a rather large coil of rope.

"My mouth feels unclean," said Lucius as his lips turned up in a snarl. "I feel as if I've just eaten a rat."

Grey inquired, "Wasn't that last night's dinner at Azkaban?"

Lucius shot Grey a filthy look. He reached into his robes and drew out a comb and a small tin. "First things first," he said. He turned the tin over in one of his pale hands, and the bright red labeling upon it reflected toward Grey. The tin read, 'Gilderoy Lockhart's Wonderful Wizard Pomade.'

"You're going to do your hair first, Luc?" Grey scratched his head as he spoke.

Lucius stopped short, turning his head to stare at Grey incredulously for a moment. Then he slapped Grey with his comb. "No, you utter imbecile. We have to decide what we're going to do when we reach England."

"Ow! Of course we do. Of course." Grey winced and put his hand over the red mark rising on his cheek.

Two hags walked by Grey and Lucius. They were both loudly singing and brandishing tankards, which they raised to the two wizards as they passed.

Grey waved at the hags. "Ladies."

Lucius hit Grey with his comb.

"Ow! Stop that, Luc!" whimpered Grey.

"It will make you a stronger man," Lucius replied dully. "Flirting with hags. Really." He opened the tin of pomade, and his eyes narrowed. He snarled, "I'm out of pomade!"

"It's alright, Luc. We'll get some when we get to the mainland," Grey said, his voice an attempt at sounding comforting.

"You'd bet your firstborn son we will!" Lucius turned and hurled the empty can into the ocean. "I can't see my wife in this state!"

An uncomfortable silence fell between the two wizards. A troll, who looked rather greener than usual, staggered past them. It grunted, groaned, dropped the tankard that it held, and then vomited over the side of a ship.

"How picturesque," noted Lucius.

The troll stumbled, moaned, and then fainted on the deck of the ship with a mighty crash. Grey jumped. Lucius didn't move.

"They're having some sort of party on the lower deck," Grey said. "Where is Craven, anyway? He's taken long enough with our food." He glanced down the length of the ship.

Lucius continued to stare at the troll. "I'd not eat anything on this ship, no matter how great my hunger. We will find food on the mainland."

Grey nodded his head, and returned his gaze to Lucius. "So...uh...you miss your Missus too, huh, Luc?"

Lucius said nothing.

"Come on, Luc. It's alright to admit..." Grey began.

"...The Dark Lord will wish to see us as soon as we can find him," Lucius interrupted Grey.

"Oh, look. Here comes Crave." Grey raised his hand and waggled his fingers in a manner of a greeting. "I reckon that You-Know-Who isn't where he last was."

"Amazing. You must have received the family brain cell for the evening," Lucius said, turning his gaze toward the approaching Craven. "With many of us arrested - and summarily breaking out of Azkaban - You-Know-Who may be quite far from England."

Craven carried three tankards, two of which he extended to Lucius and Grey. "The food is more frightening than a naked Gryffindor, but the mead looks safe."

Lucius refused his tankard with a wave. "Even the very drink may contain a curse. If you two wish to have all manners of corruptions of your body and minds, by all means, have a pint or two. Why, I could better find my way back to You-Know-Who without you two to look after."

"Uh..." Grey looked warily at the offered tankard. "No thanks, mate."

Craven shuddered. He moved to the edge of the boat and poured all three tankards over the side. He set the cups on the deck, and then peered out into the dark water. "Nice evening," he said. "It's too bad that we're on the lam rather than with our wives."

Lucius removed the thong that tied his hair into a ponytail. He began to run his comb through his blond locks, tugging gently at the places that had tangled.

"It is a nice evening," Grey agreed. His stomach growled audibly.

Just then, the blue demon stepped onto the deck and headed for the wizards at a significant pace. Grey and Craven sat upright as it approached. Lucius merely continued to comb his hair, though the approaching Dark Creature had his attention.

"You lot. Death Eaters. We'll be arriving in Scotland shortly," the demon said. It smiled again, showing all of its very sharp teeth.

"Scotland? I thought you were going to let us down in England," Craven said.

The demon drooled blood as it looked at Craven. "You've amused us long enough, but you have overstayed your welcome. You must get off the boat. Immediately." It gestured at the side of the boat.

Lucius rose from his crate. A gangplank rested against the side of the boat, leading to a rocky beach.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Lucius inquired out loud. "Let's go to shore." He tucked his comb into his robes and began to tie his hair back into a ponytail.

"Nothing?" Craven said as he also got to his feet.

"I think it was one of those rat-Tory-call questions, Crave," Grey said.

"Rhetorical, you bloody idiot. Rhetorical question." Lucius began to descend the gangplank, his arms extended slightly in an attempt to keep his balance.

"I thought it had something to do with Muggle politics," mumbled Grey.

The demon intoned, "Thank you for riding on the Ship of Fools. We hope you enjoyed your trip, and may you have a lovely evening at your final destination."

The three wizards reached the beach, and when Lucius turned to look back at the Ship of Fools, he saw not the demon peering over the side, but the Boggart in the form of his mother-in-law.

She cackled, waving her walking stick toward Lucius as the Ship of Fools sailed away into the night. The three convicts watched the boat until they could see it no more.