The Dream of One Night

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

Severus

After Avrille rescued me from my father's tomb, my foremost concern had been what damage the Revenant had inflicted on my feelings for her. Indeed, it did take a little while at first to be able to look at her without displaced feelings of rejection and resentment mingling with my joy. But as soon as we had made love that first afternoon, and I was surrounded once more with the gentle acceptance of her magic, in that respect I was completely healed. As for the other things I had gone through, I knew it was going to take time to completely sort out my emotions and rebuild the mental walls the Revenant had stripped away. However, I also knew Avrille would be beside me through it all, supporting me and guiding me as my soon-to-be wife and mother to our son.

The day after Avrille and I returned to the castle, most of my fellow staff members greeted me when they saw me as though I had never been away. The few who remarked on my absence did so in a way where I could tell it was only my reappearance that triggered their realisation I had been gone in the first place. However, none of this bothered me, and I simply explained to those who asked that I had been ill for the past few days and had confined myself to my rooms, a story Avrille and I had agreed on before we parted to go to breakfast our separate ways. Though I was going to speak to Dumbledore soon about Avrille's relationship with me, I was still adamant that news of it not spread until school recessed and we were legally married. Therefore, though Avrille insisted she was not going to ever return to her own rooms to sleep at night, she still had to take the Floo back there before meals to make it at least look like she was.

I knew that my speaking to Dumbledore could not wait, so at lunch on Saturday I requested an appointment with him for that evening. Avrille had asked me if she should accompany me to this meeting, but I assured her that, since technically I was still her supervisor, what we had done was my responsibility and therefore my job to explain to Dumbledore. So after dinner I followed the headmaster up the numerous staircases to his office, completely unable to picture what his reaction was going to be as soon as I told him not only was I romantically involved with my apprentice, but also that, within the course of a few days, I had impregnated her, proposed to her, and had my life saved by her.

As soon as we arrived in his office, Dumbledore surprised me by ushering me into one of the comfortable armchairs by the fireplace instead of in front of his desk. He then left me there as he made himself busy at a small sideboard across the room.

"I usually indulge in a small brandy after dinner. Would you care to join me, Severus?" Dumbledore asked pleasantly. I gratefully accepted, knowing I would probably need it in the coming minutes. Though, after seeing first-hand what it had done to my father, I usually avoided alcohol besides wine, I was fully aware of what phenomenal medicinal properties a simple glass of brandy held.

Handing me my drink, Dumbledore sagged into a chair beside me with his own glass and stretched his long legs out in front of him to warm by the fire. I found that my mouth had suddenly grown dry, so I took a small sip of brandy.

"I'm afraid this is not a social call, Headmaster," I began, setting my glass on a small decorative table beside me.

"Oh, I assumed that, Severus, but one can't be so formal all of the time," Dumbledore replied with a smile. I just hoped he would remain so genial throughout the conversation.

"There have been some developments in the past few months that I was reluctant to bring to your attention, but I find myself in a position now where I can no longer proceed without your knowledge of them."

I paused and looked to Dumbledore for a reaction. He simply sat, smiling at me slightly, waiting for me to continue. I took a deep breath.

"I... That is, we..." I bit my lip, furious at myself for stammering. I had never been so nervous before the headmaster before. Keeping my focus firmly on the glowing embers in front of me, I decided to simply go for it.

"Mistress Asphodel and I are going to be married."

My attention was brought back quickly to Dumbledore as I heard him chuckle quietly. I looked over to see him shaking a good-natured finger in my direction.

"I was wondering whether or not you would tell me before the school year ended," he said.

"You mean, you knew?"

"Oh yes," Dumbledore replied with a solemn nod. "I've known for quite some time."

I suddenly grew panicky with thoughts of the other teachers on break in the staffroom discussing Avrille and me like they did Quidditch scores and happy recollections of their holidays.

Dumbledore seemed to sense my worry for he quickly added, "Rest assured, I have spoken of my suspicions to no one and, as far as I know, no one else in the castle has guessed that Avrille and yourself have anything more than a completely professional relationship. I think Pomona might be a tad suspicious, since she spends a great deal of time with Avrille as well, but no rumours have come to my attention."

I must have visibly relaxed for Dumbledore chuckled again.

"Sir, may I ask how you found out?"

Dumbledore raised a bushy white eyebrow as he looked over his half-moon spectacles at me. "Severus, I have known you since you were a boy. I knew because in all of the time we have spent in each other's presence, I have never seen you look at a woman the way that you looked at Avrille."

I felt my cheeks tinge with embarrassment so I took a sip of brandy to hide it. Dumbledore allowed me a moment to compose myself before asking, "Please forgive me for inquiring, but I was just curious if you two revealed your feelings for each other around Christmas time?"

My head shot up over my glass. "How did you know?!"

Dumbledore laughed again, slapping his knee. "Because that was when you stopped looking at her!" he replied with a smile, shaking his crooked finger at me once more.

I smiled as well, then decided I might as well tell the rest of it.

"Avrille's pregnant with my child," I said quietly.

"Oh dear," Dumbledore replied in good humour.

I waited for an admonishment, but when none came I asked, "You're not upset?"

Dumbledore sighed. "Though some would undoubtedly view what you have done as inappropriate, it's my opinion that Avrille and you are both consenting adults and what you do in your own time is none of my business. I know that love cannot be bound by mundane restrictions such as school terms and, for my part, I would take having a little more love in the world over whatever society deems as being 'appropriate.'"

I nodded. That had been, of course, what I'd hoped would be Dumbledore's view on the matter, but it greatly put my mind at ease to know that my actions with Avrille hadn't somehow disappointed him or tainted his opinion of me.

"Now that you know the reasons why, I must ask that I be removed from the position of Avrille's supervisor and also to request respectfully that Avrille be allowed to continue her Herbology apprenticeship."

Dumbledore thought silently for a minute, finishing his own brandy. He finally said, "I agree that it is impossible for Avrille to finish her apprenticeship with you, but I do not think the Ministry's Educational Board will find any fault with her concluding her apprenticeship with Pomona. If they have any qualms, I will certainly set their minds at ease."

"Thank you very much, sir," I said, greatly relieved Avrille would not be forced to leave the castle.

"Is there anything else, then?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes, actually, there is..."

I wasn't sure exactly why I felt like I had to tell Dumbledore about the Death Wish, but nevertheless I recounted all the details for him. Perhaps it was simply because Dumbledore was the closest thing to a true father figure I had ever had in my life, and I felt like I had been deceiving him all of these years by not revealing my curse to him. I also knew that I had to talk to someone about what had happened in the tomb, and I simply couldn't with Avrille. She had already been through so much; I couldn't stand to hurt her more with all of the details.

Dumbledore listened quietly to my story, nodding his head occasionally, but never interrupting. When I was finished he said, "Though I am deeply sorry you did not feel comfortable enough before now to tell me this, I understand completely why you did not. Also, I must say in all honesty that I do not know if I could have helped you at all even if you had told me. The nature of the curse seemed to be such that it would not be satisfied unless it was enacted, and fortunately, that has now happened without any severe, long-term damage. However, I implore you to please come to me in the future if anything of this nature arises again, or if you feel any lingering after-effects of what you experienced this week."

"Of course," I said. I felt like I had shed fifty pounds by telling everything to Dumbledore. It had felt the same when I told Avrille long before that I had been a Death Eater, and she had not hated me for it.

"That's all I had to tell you, Headmaster."

"Very well then, if that's all, then I must insist you indulge me in one more drink as a celebratory toast." Dumbledore Summoned the brandy decanter briskly over and refilled my glass before I could protest. Holding up his own fresh drink, Dumbledore said, "To the health of Avrille and the baby she carries, and to you, Severus: I'm sure it will be many a year before Hogwarts employs a more excellent father." Dumbledore downed his drink in a single, impressive shot, and I followed suit, rather embarrassed by Dumbledore's heartfelt sentiments.

"Well, that's that. I shall perhaps see you at breakfast tomorrow," Dumbledore said, smacking his lips, to dismiss me. I stood, gave a small bow of gratitude, then walked toward the door. However, Dumbledore's voice calling my name stopped me just before I opened it.

"Yes, sir?" I asked, turning back toward the fire. Dumbledore was standing with his back to me, his hands clasped behind him.

"I have let you go, Professor, without any disciplinary action for your involvement with your apprentice. However, I shall be forced to take measures if I am not invited to the wedding!" Dumbledore then turned to me so I could see he was smiling.

"Of course, sir," I said, telling my heart it was all right to settle down after all.

Dumbledore waved a hand vaguely in my direction and said, "Off you go. Don't want to keep Avrille waiting, now."

Feeling myself flush again, I gave one more curt bow before hurrying from the room, the sound of Dumbledore's amused chuckle silenced as I pulled the heavy oak door closed behind me.

As the headmaster had guessed, Avrille was indeed waiting for me as I entered my rooms, the brandy making the atmosphere seem rather warmer and fuzzier than I expected it truly was.

Avrille was sitting on the sofa, playing a game of chess against herself, and looked up expectantly as I walked toward her.

"How was it?" she asked. I collapsed on the sofa beside her and squeezed the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger to try and relieve the rest of the tension that Dumbledore's kind words and brandy had not quite dissolved.

"It went fine," I replied quickly, seeing Avrille's nervous expression. She let out an audible sigh of relief then gently guided me down so I could rest my head on her lap. "Dumbledore approved you to complete your apprenticeship with Professor Sprout."

Avrille nodded, and I closed my eyes, relishing the sensation of her fingers on my scalp as she smoothed back my hair, something that helped to relax me far quicker than an entire cabinet of spirits could ever hope to manage.

"And you told him everything? About the baby, too?"

"Yes," I said, without opening my eyes. "He seemed rather excited about it, actually. As far as I know, Dumbledore never had any children of his own and therefore no grandchildren. I think he's looking forward to it quite as much as we are."

Avrille laughed quietly, then we were silent for a few minutes. I was just considering whether or not I could drop off to sleep when Avrille remarked, "Your face is still too thin. You barely ate anything at dinner..." Avrille broke off from stroking my hair to run a finger down my cheeks, which were still rather gaunt from not eating for several days.

"I was just nervous about meeting with the headmaster," I replied. "I'll get something more to eat a little later."

I turned my face away from her, the light of the fire behind my eyelids turning my vision dull red. I don't know why doubts were still plaguing me, why I could not be simply happy. It just seemed almost impossible how everything had worked out so perfectly. My curse was gone without any lasting effects, Avrille and I were going to be married, the headmaster approved, and I was soon going to be a father. But that last thought... It was still bothering me.

"Severus, what's wrong?" Avrille asked quietly, once again making me wonder if she was powerful enough to actually read my mind.

"Why do you ask?" I turned my head back to look up at her, trying to cover with a smile how she had unnerved me.

"Because you've hardly said anything to me this evening, and you keep sighing like you think the end of the world is coming tomorrow."

I sighed, again I suppose, and sat up. It was no good; Avrille knew me too well now for me to pretend everything was fine when I was around her. I also knew that if I wanted to be a good husband to her, I had to get used to talking about my feelings so she wouldn't misunderstand me.

I stalled, examining my nails with my elbows resting on my knees. "Dumbledore said that I will be an excellent father," I said finally.

"And of course you will be," Avrille said, wrapping her arm around my waist and resting her chin on my shoulder, "though it was very nice of him to say so."

"Yes, it was." I folded my hands together and dropped my head down, my hair falling forward to completely conceal my face. I had been confronted and tortured with all of my worst memories by the Revenant, the only lucky part of the experience being that, at the time, I had not yet learned of Avrille's pregnancy. If that monster had had access to my worst fear concerning my son, I don't know if I could have survived it.

"Is that what's upsetting you?" Avrille asked gently, pulling a section of my hair back so she could see my profile. "That Professor Dumbledore said you'll be a good father?"

"Yes, and that you agree with him so readily," I forced out between gritted teeth. I turned my head so I could look deep into Avrille's brown eyes, open wide with concern. "I mean, how do you know? How can both of you be so sure? Look at the example I had growing up; how can you be sure that I won't end up hurting our son like my father hurt me?!"

Avrille took her face between my hands and asked seriously, "Do you think it was a good thing when your father used to hit you and your mother?"

"Of course not!" I replied furiously. I tried to pull my face away from her hands but she held me fast.

"Then you have nothing to worry about. You know how it felt to be abused and unloved. You know that what your father did was wrong. You used the hurts of your past as an example of how not to behave, and you became so much stronger because of it. You are not a drunkard, and you have never hurt me. You are not your father."

"And believe me," Avrille added with a small smile, "I would have never put myself in a situation where I could potentially become pregnant if there was any doubt in my mind that you were the best man in the entire world to father my child."

I smiled as well, and Avrille pulled me tightly to her. I buried my face in her neck and successfully willed back tears of sheer gratefulness for Avrille's unbreakable faith in me. As I pulled my beloved Avrille closer, I swore that every day I lived from now on, I would strive to better deserve her love.