The Dream of One Night

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Severus

I cannot recall the walk back up to the castle that night; I only remember being utterly amazed I had managed to Apparate correctly to the gates. My mind was an absolute mess, my thoughts chaotic. All of a sudden Avrille had finally, though quite unexpectedly, ended the war that had been waging brutally within me for the past four months. I no longer had to fight against the slowly strengthening will to tell her of my feelings. Now she knew how madly in love with her I had fallen, although I doubt she understood how deep my love ran, and how I would willingly give my life to protect her.

For a brief moment, I smiled as I thought of how she must have been struggling with the same two conflicting forces: the desire to be truthful about the feelings growing within her against the knowledge that the revelation of those feelings could mean the end of her career if rebuffed by me. But my smile quickly faded from my lips, which had just moments before tasted Avrille for the first time, when I realised that, although inadvertently, I had for a time caused Avrille more pain. If she loved me even half as much as I did her, then these past few months must have seemed a never-ending torment. Yet, at least for her, that pain was now over. A more horrible thought was what pain I would have caused her had I not been reciprocating her feelings this entire time.

Knowing Avrille as I did, taking into account her sweet impulsiveness and honest nature I adored so much, it almost definitely would have been only a matter of time before she confessed herself to me, if it hadn't been tonight. This conjecture was even more substantial if one took into account the intense emotional strain she had most likely been under since her vision a few nights before, the strain thus rendering her even less able to fully appreciate the consequences of any serious action she might take.

If she had confessed her love to me and been rejected, it would have had much worse effects for her than if it had been the other way around. If I had acted in an unsolicited, inappropriate manner to an apprentice, it would have caused a scandal if discovered and at most meant a written reprimand in my employment file. But if Avrille had kissed me tonight, and I had not desired it (a seemingly unthinkable idea in itself, yet hypothetically possible I suppose...) I'm sure I would have reported it to the headmaster. Knowing myself, I would not have been able to continue to supervise her in an uncomfortable situation such as that. That meant unless Dumbledore was feeling extremely lenient, something presumably not the case these troublesome days, and allowed her to at least continue with her Herbology apprenticeship, Avrille would have been sent home in disgrace. A note would most certainly be placed in her permanent record, severely hindering all of her future schooling and career prospects.

But of course, I thought as I passed through the front doors to the castle, that is not the case. She loves you, and you love her even more in return. Now what are you going to do?

Honestly, I had no idea. If I were a completely virtuous, scrupulous man--that is, to say, an utter moron--I would go to the headmaster myself and asked to be relieved of my supervisory role over Avrille. I could tell him of my steadily growing affection for her and that I felt it was interfering with my ability to be impartial over her grading. But I was not the head of Slytherin House for nothing. To do that would be detrimental to Avrille's Potions degree at best and complete emotional suicide at worst. Dumbledore could still decide to have Avrille sent home.

I quickly came to the conclusion it would most benefit everyone all around to just keep it quiet. Dumbledore did not need another concern weighing on his mind right now. Avrille and I were hurting no one. I actually was confident enough in my own objectivity concerning Avrille's supervision because her work was simply beyond reproach. Anyone reviewing her file could see that. I had already convinced myself of that when I had been filling out her evaluation a few days prior. No, there was really no need for us to reveal our affair. If we handled this correctly, Avrille and I could have a very happy rest of the school year, pending any further attacks from "The Heir of Slytherin," of course.

The castle was totally silent as I entered the front hall. The handful of students who had remained behind for Christmas were all securely in their dormitories. My fellow teachers were most likely asleep with the warm feeling of relief that comes after one has turned in one's term marks and the knowledge that the morrow holds nothing but relaxation. Except for, of course, those of us who had patrol duty. I had to admit I loved the castle the most at times like this when I alone walked the echoing corridors. When I was at school here, I had often snuck out of the dormitory in the middle of the night to wander through the corridors or read in the library, hungry for a few hours of complete silence and solitude.

Finally back in my own rooms, I slid out of my wet cloak and changed into my school-robes. As I glanced in the mirror, I was glad to see that at least I did not look as scattered as I felt, but then, of course, masking emotion was something I considered myself a master at. I was too restless to read or find some other occupation for the remainder of the time before my shift began, so I set out to find Francis in order to relieve him ahead of schedule. Francis was quite easily located on the first floor once I heard the tell-tale thumping of his wooden leg. He was surprised by my early appearance and accepted my offer of relief most happily. As soon as I heard Francis making his way up the stairs to his rooms, I descended back down to the dungeons to make my first round.

After making a thorough inspection of the dungeon halls and classrooms, I headed up to the entrance hall once more. Here I lingered as long as I dared, hoping perhaps I might see Avrille come back from Hogsmeade. When she did not appear within a reasonable amount of time, I regretfully began a tour of the ground floor. Everything was as it should be. Most of the portrait occupants were "sleeping" and only occasionally opened a bleary eye as I passed with my wand alight.

The time passed very unevenly. Sometimes I grew impatient and felt at least an hour must have passed only to check my watch and see it had not even been a quarter of that time. Then more than once, I found myself in a certain classroom or corridor, unable to remember exactly how I had gotten there and surprised to see a half-hour had disappeared seemingly in an instant. I would then have to retrace my steps back to where I could last remember having inspected and start the route over again. All in all it was not an unpleasant duty to perform. It was breath-taking to think that Avrille was only a floor or two above me, perhaps still awake and thinking of me just as I was of her.

At two thirty on the dot, Filius found me in the Great Hall to take over the patrol. I had no report for him. The shift had been silent, and there had been nothing out of the ordinary, not that I had really expected there to be. After bidding Filius a good night and a Happy Christmas, I proceeded to my rooms.

I had just finished dressing for bed and was searching for a good book to read when I heard a quiet knock. Pulling on a robe, I quickly walked to the door, assuming it was Filius with a question before he began his patrol. I opened it and was stunned to see Avrille in front of me. She did not look well, but then again she rather hadn't earlier in the evening either. She was also dressed for bed with a pale blue dressing gown belted loosely over a soft-looking cotton shirt and trousers.

"Avrille!" I exclaimed. I was surprised, though immensely pleased, to see her again so soon. I also had no idea that she knew where my rooms were. "Is everything all right?"

She smiled wanly. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said quietly. "I knew you'd probably still be awake since your patrol just ended. I figured you wouldn't mind if I came by."

"Of course not," I said and took her hand. It was still amazing to me that I could do that; I could just touch her whenever I wanted now. "Why don't you come in?" I stepped aside for her to enter, glancing down the corridor quickly as she passed me.

As if reading my mind, Avrille said, "I didn't see anyone coming down, don't worry."

I closed the door behind us and bolted it for good measure. "I'm more concerned about you being out alone in the middle of the night-" I had begun to say when Avrille turned and threw her arms around my neck. Perfectly happy with being interrupted this way, I pulled her closer and rested my cheek against her silken hair. It was so unthinkable that only hours ago I was just arriving back at Hogwarts and basically terrified of whether, once more, I would be unable to hide my burning passion for Avrille while we were alone in Hogsmeade. Now here we were together, in my rooms for that matter, and I was completely at ease.

Avrille raised her head and kissed me slowly and sweetly. If I had not known her to be distressed by something, I would have been content to stay like that all night. As soon as I could bear to, I pulled away from her slightly so I could look her in the eyes.

"Are you all right?" I asked.

"No, actually, I'm really not." Avrille sighed and dropped her forehead against my chest.

"You haven't been sleeping, have you?" I asked quietly.

Avrille's gaze shot up to mine in surprise. "How did you know?"

I ran a fingertip down the side of her face. "Although your stunning beauty remains unchanged..." I traced the dark circles under her eyes for emphasis.

Avrille smiled, and for a moment the ghostly pallor hovering over her features faded, but it soon returned as her expression fell into one of frustration.

"I haven't been able to sleep at night since I had that dream about Justin." She took a step away from me, her hands swallowed by her plush sleeves as she wrapped her arms protectively around herself. "I don't know why, but I am just so scared of having another one. I've been napping a bit during the day, but I guess you can tell that hasn't helped much.

"Have you gone to see Madam Pomfrey? Or tried a sleeping potion?" I asked.

Avrille shook her head. "No, I didn't feel like getting into the whole reason with Madam Pomfrey about why I couldn't sleep. I didn't want anyone else to know about my visions but you." I was honoured that Avrille had trusted me above all others to reveal her secret.

"As for a potion," she continued, "I really wasn't up to making one. I was so tired that I probably would have ended up poisoning myself."

"You could have asked me. I would have been happy to help you," I said.

Avrille smiled again. "Yes, well, our last couple of meetings had ended pretty awkwardly, and I didn't want to bother you again."

I smiled as well. At the time, trying to kiss Avrille in the carriage had seemed like the stupidest thing I could have ever tried to do. It was rather funny now to realise Avrille had probably been angry at me for not following through with it.

"Well," I said, taking her in my arms again, "why don't I give you something now. I actually have some Draught of Living Death here. A few drops in some water will put you into a dreamless sleep instantly."

"That would be wonderful," Avrille sighed and rested her cheek on my shoulder. But she quickly brought her head up again saying, "Wait a minute. Why would you have something like that in your room?"

"Let's just say you weren't the only one having a hard time sleeping," I said with a devilish grin. "And there's something I would like to know: How is it you knew where my rooms were in the first place?"

Avrille's cheeks went pink. "I actually followed you once after a class," she finally admitted. I raised my eyebrows in amusement. "I haven't been stalking you or anything! It was only once, and I was just curious..."

"I'm glad that you did," I said, brushing a strand of hair from her hot face. "Shall I get the potion for you?"

Avrille hesitated, picking at the knit texture of my robe with her fingernails. "Actually... I was wondering..." she said quietly with her eyes slightly downcast. "Would it be totally brazen of me to ask if I could spend the night here?"

I was shocked, more because of her boldness than the nature of the request. Actually, I was mostly stunned things were moving so quickly. Not that I minded that of course. It was fair to say that I had been imagining her spending the night with me ever since we met. However, I had been too afraid of coming off as a blackguard to make any such suggestion when she had first admitted to not being able to sleep.

Avrille must have taken my pause for offence because she quickly added, "It's not that I want to. I mean, I do want to... it's just... I'm really worried that maybe the potion isn't strong enough to block out the visions, and if I did have one, I'd feel so much better knowing you were right there with me."

I kissed her passionately for a response. Avrille immediately relaxed, and her body melded to mine. After satiating some of my desire, I whispered in her ear, "Is that enough of an answer?" I felt Avrille sigh softly against my bare neck.

I once more brushed away some of her hair that had fallen across her eyes. "You can sleep in my bed," I said at a normal volume. "The sofa will be plenty comfortable enough for me."

Avrille gazed shyly up at me. "I don't mind if you want to sleep in the bed, too..."

"No," I replied, immediately banishing that highly tempting notion from my mind. "I think it better if I do not." I gave her a pointed look which made her blush again.

"We should settle in now. It's late," I said, walking away towards my bedroom, praying she wouldn't make that offer again. I didn't think I had the resolve to refuse her a second time, and I knew if I was even in the same room as her I would never get to sleep. Avrille followed me through the door to my bedchamber. I was beyond thankful that everything was tidy and clean.

"The washroom is right through there," I said motioning to the closed door to our right. "Why don't you make yourself comfortable, and I'll prepare the potion." I turned to exit, then remembered something.

"Forgive me, I know this is an absolutely taboo question to ask a lady, but what is your weight? I need to know for the dosage."

"Around a hundred and twenty pounds? Give or take a couple," Avrille replied. I was glad she knew because I had no idea what the average woman weighed. I nodded and left the room, closing the door behind me so Avrille could have some privacy while preparing for bed.

I quickly retrieved the needed potion on the shelf where I always kept it. I wished I could take some myself since, even though we would be separated, it was going to be extremely difficult for me to get much rest tonight. I decided to abstain since I wanted to be fully alert in the rare event Avrille woke early and needed me. I quickly calculated the dose, taking into account her weight, age, and desired effectiveness, figuring she should get at least twelve hours to make up for all the sleep she had missed during the week. I poured a glass of water then carefully squeezed out six drops of the potion, swilling the solution gently. I knocked on the door, and Avrille called that she was ready. After taking a deep breath, I re-entered the bedroom.

I had not been sure what the effect of seeing Avrille in my bed would be on me. Now as I saw her, with the sheet draped loosely over her slim form and her russet hair spread out over one of my pillows, I knew I had been insane to even consider the possibility I could be in that bed with her. I was seriously considering making her lock me out now.

I discreetly shook my head slightly to clear it. Avrille sat up as I entered.

"Here you are," I said and handed her the glass.

Avrille took it from me and gazed down at the solution which was glittering faintly in the candlelight. Then she shifted slightly over towards the middle of the bed. "Will you stay with me until I'm asleep?" she asked and reached out to me with her free hand.

"Of course," I replied, taking her hand and sitting beside her. "Are you warm enough? Do you need anything else?"

Avrille shook her head and smiled. "I'm fine... wonderful, in fact." She raised the glass to her mouth, but paused just before it touched her lips. "Severus?"

"Yes?" I whispered.

"Thank you." Avrille drank the water and held out the glass, which I quickly took. With a contended sigh, she slid back down under the covers, still holding my hand tight. As she took her next breath, her eyes gently fluttered closed, and her head fell slack against the pillow. Her hand relaxed and fell out of mine. I remained seated there for a few minutes, watching her peaceful face and silently counting the number of times her chest gently rose and fell. Then I stood and set the empty glass on the nightstand. Leaning over Avrille slightly, I placed two fingers on her throat to check her pulse. Satisfied that it was well within a safe range, I brushed back her fringe and lightly kissed her forehead. I extinguished most of the candles but left a couple dimly lit so Avrille would be able to see where she was when she woke up.

I left the bedroom and closed the door behind me. I did not now feel the need to lock it; the vision of my Avrille sleeping peacefully had chased all lustful thoughts from my mind. I lay down on the sofa and doused the torches while at the same time lighting a small fire in the hearth. I Conjured a pillow and blanket then rolled over to watch the flames, an old trick I used to utilise as child to fall asleep.

I stared into the fire. My heart was once again in the same state of conflict as it had been earlier when Avrille had kissed me for the first time. I was undeniably the happiest I had ever been in my life, yet hovering over that joy was the ominous shadow of the unknown. I had not even bothered to think about the Death Wish again until recently. It had been ten years since my father spoke the curse, but I had no idea if the effects were still on me. He had been severely weakened when the curse was invoked, and my father had never been much at magic anyway. Nevertheless, I had not been with a woman since that night. Now I had Avrille right here with me, troubled by some fears for the moment, but generally as happy as I was.

We had only just declared our love for each other a few hours ago, but thoughts of the future were already heavily on me. I was not yet completely sure how deep her affection for me ran, but I knew for myself that Avrille was the woman with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. There would be no other but her. The thing I wanted most in the world now was to know for sure that she felt the same way about me. However, as soon as that was understood, it would be the end of everything. We could not be together as I wanted so long as the status of my curse was unknown. But things were moving quickly... Far more quickly than I could have ever imagined. My God, Avrille was in my bed right now...

I sighed, rolled over, and extinguished the fire in the grate. That technique was apparently not going to help tonight. Even though the fire was out, I could still see the orange glow and feel the warmth on my closed eyelids. Avrille loved me. That was all that mattered right now. Things would work out somehow, and it was no use dwelling over it. I repeated those words over and over like a mantra until somehow, eventually, I fell asleep.