Mission Implausible

Mission Implausible

Author's Notes:

So, have you figured what the OOB is all about? OOB stands for Out Of Body, a term that I have coined. The issue here is 'Identity-Swap' or soul-swapping, which leads to a lot of confusion, and some highly insane situations. One might call it transmigration/transmogrification, but 'Soul-Swap' seems much simpler. This is where I insert an AU warning and also an IU warning (Insane Universe!).

We have some serious Snape bashing (could be Sirius Snape bashing as it is Sirius who does Snape bashing as Sirius-Snape, but let me not give away the story), my favourite sport, and some implausible plot lines. You know that the title is Mission Implausible, right?

In order to make things simpler for readers, the name of characters is followed with a hyphen by the transmigrated person inside. I did not want to do this, but the Muse of Reviews whispered in my ear that unless I wanted flames, it's better to help the readers.

Chapter 2: Who am I?

Prologue:

It is said that man, whenever placed at the moment of questioning his existence and about to start on a deep personal introspection, always starts with the question, "Who am I?". Little did humankind know that this question will have to be asked literally, by a set of mis-matched witches and wizards on a mission of a horrendous, errr, a hazardous nature.

Team Trouble, in their quest to follow Voldemort and retrieve him from Muggledom, had last taken a Portkey, a battered-looking silver mug of Mundungus', to a studio near London where Voldemort was reported to be seen.

As the members slowly got to their feet on reaching their destination, they felt that something was wrong. Terribly, terribly, wrong. They looked at their surroundings, then at each other and seven voices screamed, 'Mundungus!'

'Whazzup?' said Ron Weasley.

*

Imagine taking a Portkey to a destination and when you pick yourself off your feet, you see yourself picking yourself off your feet, right before you.

'What is this?'

'Who am I?'

'What the Bloody Hell?

'Who am I?'

'What happened?'

'Who ...' (Well, you get the general idea).

Team Trouble straggled to their feet.

You may ask why? Because they were on strange feet.

Perplexed, you may ask why were they on strange feet? Because they were in strange bodies.

To get to the nub of the matter you may persist in questioning as to why were they in strange bodies? Because, that is the story so continue to read and stop asking questions!

Something had happened while they had touched the Portkey. Something huge, massive. Something life-changing, literally. So, now, it was time to figure out who was who.

'Ok! Attention everyone! As the leader of the team, I think we first need to find out the extent of transmigration,' said Remus, quickly assessing the situation. Err, it was the sort of command and inflection that Remus used, but the person who called for attention was Nymphadora Tonks.

'Moony!' exclaimed Sirius's voice, or what could obviously be only Sirius's voice. A figure in dark robes came forward to hug Tonks. The team were treated to the never before sight of Severus Snape with a beaming smile on his face, embracing Nymphadora Tonks.

'Ugh! Padfoot! You are strangling me! Do you realize you are in Snape's body?'

'Oh rot! Hmm, Moony ol' pal, do you think this is a Heaven-sent opportunity to get payback on ol' Snivellus? I'll think of something...'

Tonks-Remus continued in a businesslike voice. 'That's two accounted for. Where is Tonks?'

'Here I am, a true Black!' Sirius-Tonks gave a sign of victory. 'Hey cousin, what are these dangly bits? I tried metamorphing but apparently I can't, and I swear these dangly bits moved!'

'Woman! Don't you dare hurt the Black family crest jewels. I will not hesitate to take revenge even if you are my cousin!' Snape-Sirius glared at his cousin.

'Wotcher cuz! Aren't you forgetting something important? Like, "even if you are in my body"?'

'Cut out the scrapping, you two!' admonished Tonks-Remus. 'Severus?'

'Bloody inept werewolf!' spat out Mundungus. Of course it was Snape and it became immediately apparent that he hated his new address. 'Can't you even do a Portkey spell right? Why should I be stuck in this stink bag of a body? And you Black,' he called to Snape-Sirius, 'if I see you abusing my body..' Severus left his threats unsaid and looked down horrified at his new body's dirty clothes and unkempt appearance.

Seeing this inspection, Snape-Sirius took a dig at Snape. 'Take heart Snivellus! I lurrrve this body and will cherish it. I wish your underpants were not so yucky though. I don't think you washed it since we dunked you in the lake in our final year!' In a falsely hearty voice he continued, 'Now, you don't worry about being in Dungie's body. Think of the benefit! For once, your hair will not smell! Though the rest of you might!'

Snape-Sirius and Sirius-Tonks sniggered while Mundungus-Snape looked on venomously. Or as venomously as a decrepit wizard with watering eyes could look.

'Ok! Mundungus?' Tonks-Remus enquired. 'Yes, it's Ron! Who is Ron now?'

'Harry Potter, at your service Professor!' Harry-Ron came forward and did an exaggerated bow.

'Who is Harry?'

'Erm,' Hermione came forward reluctantly. 'Professor, it's I, Harry!'

'Oh, Harry! What a lark!' Snape-Sirius cried joyously and rushed over to embrace his godson. Or, should we say god-daughter now?

Another never-before witnessed scene unfolded - Severus Snape hugging Hermione Granger. Snape-Sirius saw the revulsion on Mundungus-Snape's face when he hugged Hermione-Harry, and made a mental note to do it more often.

The scene raised a few eye-brows, set many tongues wagging and inspired a lot of fan fiction authors to write stories on the Hermione-Snape ship, but more on that later.

'That leaves us with Hermoine?' queried Tonks-Remus.

'Professor Lupin, it's you! I mean, I am you.' Remus-Hermione stepped forward shyly.

'And you take good care of me!' laughed Tonks-Remus. 'Now, that is settled!' he said.

'What do you mean by settled?' Mundungus-Snape interrupted rudely. 'You are responsible for this predicament! You and your stupid Portkey!'

'You are mistaken, Snape,' said Sirius-Tonks. 'Remus asked me to check it before he transformed it into a Portkey. I subjected it to the routine spells that Aurors do on any dark object.'

'Bloody inept Auror!' yelled Mundungus-Snape.

'Hold the invectives, Snape. Tonks is a bloody brilliant Auror and we all know it.' Snape-Sirius rushed to Tonks's support. 'I think I may know the reason; let me have the mug, I need to examine it.' He was passed the mug.

'Yes!' exclaimed Snape-Sirius. 'This belongs to the Black family, see this small insignia here. This belongs to old Regulus, my great grand-uncle. It disappeared at a party a long-time back and I heard mother snickering about the thief getting his due. Apparently, it is harmless unless magic is performed on it. But that doesn't apply to the Black clan, as they used to polish it by magic and cast refilling spells. That is why it appeared harmless to Tonks, who is a Black, though the bloodline is slightly diluted.'

'And you just happened to pick it up off the street, Mundungus?' asked Tonks-Remus sarcastically.

'Err,' said Ron-Mundungus shuffling his feet. 'Err, that's righ'. I did, y'know.'

'Professor? What about our powers? Do we retain them?' queried Remus-Hermione.

'Well, before we proceed further, I need to send word to Professor Dumbledore on our circumstances,' said Tonks-Remus. 'I think it's best that we take our original wands as the wands are connected to our innate magical abilities.' Tonks-Remus took the wand from Remus-Hermione and soon a patronus sped away and vanished.

'There! I did not find any difficulty with the patronus. Tonks said that she couldn't metamorph. So, I guess we retain our basic magical ability. Why don't all of you try out a few spells? We can be sure then,' said Tonks-Remus.

They were soon performing simple spells. Snape-Sirius of course could not resist the opportunity to have some fun at Snape's expense. He made Snape's nose resemble a vulture, greased his hair so much that some greenish goo was dripping off it. He transfigured his dress and was soon standing in a neon green spandex suit, with a cloak of the same material billowing behind him. He looked down at himself and said, 'Oh! Something's missing. Oh, yes!' He gave himself some briefs over the spandex - candy striped with blue fur trimmings.

With his arms raised high above his head, he proclaimed, 'I am Super Snivellus, guardian of dirty underwear!'

'You know, Snape,' said Sirius-Tonks to Mundungus-Snape, 'green is definitely your colour. See how it brings out the subtle highlights in your hair!'

Mundungus-Snape looked on horrified while the others were helpless with laughter. Tonks-Remus called the group to order. 'We better not try Apparition. So, as soon as we finish our enquiry here, we should take the Knight Bus. I think I needn't remind you that we need to stick to-gether.'

'Remus, how do we take care of bodily functions?' Who else but our cheeky, practical Auror to ask the question on at least half their minds. 'You know, how do I work these pipes?'

Tonks-Remus groaned in exasperation. 'Tonks, I'll appreciate if you take your mind off bodily functions and concentrate on the mission.'

'But Remus,' continued Sirius-Tonks unabashedly. 'I am sure even you should be wondering about them. By the way, that is my favourite thong you are wearing. Let not the so called two words, which we forebear to mention, harm them.'

Tonks-Remus grew red, and to cover her embarrassment, looked around. The trio was huddled in a group. Or in their present avatars, Remus, Harry and Hermione were talking animatedly. Mundungus-Snape was sulking and casting killer looks towards Snape-Sirius.

Ron-Mundungus was lighting a cigarette. Although cigarette smoking is injurious to health, in this case, the cigarette smoker was injurious to health!

Tonks-Remus, Snape-Sirius and Sirius-Tonks were gathered together and discussing the circumstances.

Seeing Tonks-Remus's worried look, Sirius-Tonks asked what was wrong.

'I shudder to think of what will happen on the next full moon, if we persist in this transmigrated state.'

'Don't worry, Remus!' assured Sirius-Tonks. 'I am sure Dumbledore would set it right.'

'Oh yes!' said Snape-Sirius. 'Think of the benefit. Tonks finally has some werewolf in her!'

Mundungus-Snape watched horrified as Sirius-Tonks and Tonks-Remus pummeled his previous residence.

Snape-Sirius finally gasped out, 'Sorry guys! It was a joke, to lighten Moony's mood. Much as I would like to see you beat up Snape, right now I am in this scum-bag, so please lay off!'

A red and gold feather fell suddenly at Tonks-Remus's feet. She picked it up and read the instructions and incinerated it. She called for attention. 'Team, Dumbledore has asked us to continue with our mission. He will meet up with us soon. Meanwhile, in the words of that great detective, "the game is afoot!"

Epilogue:

So, what were the members of Team Trouble thinking?

Snape-Sirius was fussing about Hermione-Harry. Mind, Sirius knew it was his godson, and did not exceed his limits. He patted Hermione-Harry affectionately, casually draped his arms around her shoulder and gave her hugs and chaste kisses. He was playing to a gallery of one - Mundungus-Snape. He saw the revulsion in Mundungus-Snape's eyes turn to interest and thought that he should exploit this opportunity. With due credit to him, he did feel a moment's pity for the real Hermione Granger but taunting Snape was an extenuating circumstance.

Mundungus-Snape was the most frustrated of the lot. The list of perceived wrongs against him kept piling up. First of all, he was not the team leader; that bloody werewolf was appointed instead. Then came the messed up Portkey, landing him in this hideous body. And then to his horror, he found his nemesis inhabiting his body - that confounded Black. Not only did he inhabit it with glee, but he was subjecting his body (Snape's body) to utmost misery and humiliation. And to top it all, must he keep hugging his godson, that blasted Potter, who was now in that insufferable Hermione Granger's body? What angered him more was that he was getting turned on by how Hermione's body fitted against his original form. And he looked on intently.

Remus-Hermione accepted her condition with grace, though she inhabited an old battered body, that too a male. Hermione was a person who never passed up an opportunity to study something new and transmigration was certainly a new experience for her. She had an opportunity to study her appearance. Is that how my hair really looks? She agonized and turned her head slightly to see Mundungus-Snape absorbed by the sight of the affectionate hugs that Snape-Sirius kept giving Hermione-Harry. She thought that this was a good opportunity to find out if Snape could possibly appeal to her as it was made out to be, by authors dedicated to the Hermione-Snape ship.

Tonks-Remus felt very relaxed, despite the circumstances. Maybe it was the influence of the Auror's body. One can't help but be cheerful when one sports pink hair and a punk rockstar look, right? Moony definitely felt that the old marauder days were back and smiled.

Sirius-Tonks was very kicked about the fact that her guy was in her original form. Tonks suddenly found a different Nymphadora Tonks, one who exuded an air of quiet authority and walked lithely and gracefully. Remus had even managed to alter Tonks's outlandish appearance slighty to give a dignified punk rockstar look, if such a thing was possible.

Ron-Mundungus was absorbed in his own-self. He was happy to have an unpolluted body that he could subject to his vices. Mundungus was quite the ladies man in his youth, unbelievable as it may seem now, before his days of hard drinking and smoking. Recalling his prime past, he lit up another cigarette jauntily, swiped of course from his original residence. He wasn't upset about the fact that the Potions Master was in residence. He had bigger fish to fry. Ron-Mundungus was very happy.

Hermione - Harry was embarrassed. And that would be putting it mildly. He (Harry) was just complaining about lack of normal teenage hormones yesterday (Ref: Casting Grouch). And today, he was getting a surfeit of it. Only, it was the female kind. Suddenly he was finding all males attractive. Even Ron - knowing fully well that it was Mundungus. Maybe, he would draw the line at Mundungus, as he didn't like the smelly person or the nastier one that lurked inside. And it did weird things to him when Snape-Sirius casually draped his arms around him. That's my godfather! he told himself. He then noticed that Sirius was doing it deliberately to bait Snape. Anything for payback, he thought. With a muttered 'Forgive me, Hermione,' he gave his Godfather-but-now-hated-Potions-Master a peck on the cheek.

Well then, what of Ron? Harry-Ron was the happiest of the lot. He was where he had always wanted to be, in Harry Potter's shoes! And he had been wanting some action, somehow to prove his 'hero' worthiness and break out of the 'side-kick' mould. He was looking forward to saving the day. That has a nice ring to it, he thought to himself. The day is saved by Ronald Weasley!

* * *

Author's Note: There exists an Uncle Regulus on the Black Family Tree. Characters are usually referred by the gender in which they are transmigrated except when discussing their thoughts and feelings, where their original gender is used.

Chapter 3 Preview: Ever wondered where all the filth disappears whenever a Wizard says 'Evanesco' or 'Scourgify?' It reaches the Fortress of Filth. The (mis)adventure continues.