Mission Implausible

Mission Implausible

A covert operation is launched to retrieve Voldemort from Muggledom. But what do you call an operation that involves the hormonal saviour of wizardkind, his adenoidal comic side-kick, and their thinking hat wannabe bimbette; a harmless (mostly) werewolf, his canine friend and their clumsy associate; a snivelly wizard and a known felon? Surely, Mission Implausible? A sequel to Casting Grouch.

Chapter 1: Team Trouble

Prologue:

The man, who was sauntering in his parlour, paused in front of a mirror to check his appearance. His loud Hawaiian shirt and shorts gave him a very casual, beachy flavour. He looked rakish with his dreadlocked hair, braided with many beads. 'You handsome devil, you!' He grinned at his reflection.

'And pretty good for your age,' replied the enchanted mirror.

The wards he had set around the perimeter of his cottage ensured that he was sufficiently warned in advance about receiving visitors. Enough time for him to change into his 'official' appearance. In the meantime, this was his private haven. He could be terribly OOC as he liked and a rude upper limb extremity to anybody who thought otherwise. But this peace was not for long.

He recollected the note by owl-post that morning: "Voldemort gone missing. Please come at once! Minerva McGonagall." Selected characters, mainly, Members of the Order of the Phoenix, were to gather at the school around noon, to discuss the latest crisis.

Now, as it was time for him to put in a public appearance, he transformed himself into the character everyone recognized and loved.

'You know,' he said wistfully to his reflection, thinking about his earlier appearance, 'you would have made a good pirate!'

'Yes, indeed!' replied the snarky mirror. 'You always ran a tight ship, Headmaster!'

Albus Dumbledore smiled as he set out to fulfill his duties.

*

The members of the Order had gathered in an unused classroom, off the Entrance Hall. Minerva McGonagall shared whatever information she had gathered since morning. 'Lord Voldemort has been feeling terribly reined in for the past few weeks. You could make out from his outburst yesterday (Refer: Casting Grouch ) as to how much he wanted a break from the bad press and monotony that he is experiencing. So, deciding to take his fortune in the world, he has escaped to London from the realms of fan fiction. He wanted to be on the stage or somewhere in the public arena. Who would like to volunteer for a retrieval mission?'

There were plenty of volunteers who stood up immediately and an argument broke out as to who thought themselves right for the mission.

'You know,' said Dumbledore conversationally, 'this is not a sight-seeing trip. Sorry to curb your enthusiasm, but, I think we need to restrict the group to about 6 members.'

'I wish to join the mission, Professor,' said Harry Potter. 'After all, Voldemort is my nemesis. I am sure to subdue him in the end and bring him back.'

'And if Harry goes, I go,' said Ron Weasley. 'How will the Great Warrior survive without his Faithful Side-Kick? Who will deliver all those punch-lines and provide comic relief when the plot becomes intense?

'And if these two berks go, I have to be there,' cut in Hermione Granger, 'otherwise they might damage themselves with their own wands. Everybody knows that I am the brains of the Trio.'

Remus Lupin volunteered quietly, talking about his heightened senses that could be of use and also the fact that somebody needed to look after the Trio. Dumbledore immediately accepted.

Sirius Black, not to be outdone, offered his help as Harry's godfather and in tracking, too. 'You know, Snuffles is a good tracker,' he said, referring to his animagus form.

'I know he is a good marker,' teased Remus, 'of trees and pillars. But a tracker?'

While Sirius was fuming and thinking of a witty rejoinder, James Potter spoke up. 'I too could join you in my animagus form.'

'Oh yes!' said Sirius, still huffed. 'A stag cantering down Piccadilly will certainly help this operation!'

Dumbledore spoke up. 'I think Sirius can join the team. It will give him a respite from the regular bouts of snogging and shagging that he is forced into, in every other story. And, we could use a dog for tracking.'

'Dog? Trackin'?' questioned Rubeus Hagrid, perking up at Dumbledore's last sentence. He had been absorbed in embracing Olympe Maxine. With much untangling of limbs, akin to the Whomping Willow shaking itself free of leaves for autumn, he joined the discussion. 'If yeh need a dog for trackin', I can lend yeh Fluffy!'

'Fluffy!' echoed a chorus of voices, namely the Trio and Severus Snape, thinking back to past encounters with said creature.

'Bloody Hell!' exclaimed Ron. 'What need do we have for a savage beast? As if one head on that monster was not enough!'

'But,' said Hagrid puzzled, 'you three once told me that three heads are better than one!'

'Not on the same person, Hagrid,' said Hermione gently. 'Or creature.' She shot a quelling look at Ron who kept muttering about 'Three-headed freaks' and 'Dangerous Beasts'.

'Fluffy is not dangerous! He will not hurt anybody!' cried Hagrid defensively.

'That's because they would have died of fright before they could have been hurt,' said Harry sarcastically.

'Oh yes! A prancing stag and a three-headed monster,' Remus said in wry amusement. 'We may as well wear T-shirts proclaiming "We are Undercover Wizards. Don't notice us!" What more does a covert operation need?'

'Constant Vigilance!' Alastor Moody was not to be outdone. 'Albus, I wish to volunteer for this mission.'

'Alastor, much as I think that you are the best man for this job, I need your particular skills on another matter,' replied Dumbledore, gently dissuading Moody from joining this group. As if Lord Voldemort unleashed on the Muggles was not enough!

Snape offered to join the operation, as his knowledge of Voldemort would be useful.

'And that makes six,' said Dumbledore.

'Professor, I think we might need an Auror on this operation,' spoke up Remus, with a speculative glance at Nymphadora Tonks. He continued, 'It will be useful if any assistance is required of the Ministry. As Moody is ruled out and Kingsley is not here, we can take Auror Tonks. I will keep her in hand!' Remus finished enthusiastically.

'Sly devil!' Sirius whispered to Remus. 'We all know exactly which part of Auror Tonks that you will keep in hand!'

'That's a good idea,' said Dumbledore. 'Nymphadora! Try to keep the damage to the minimum. We do not want to end up paying for a lot of Muggle property!'

'Yes Professor!' agreed Tonks, happy at the thought of spending time with Remus.

'There is one more person we might need, who will be useful. Mundungus.' Sirius Black added hesitantly, knowing the reaction to this suggestion.

Mundungus Fletcher was nursing his bottle of Firewhisky but woke up from his stupour at the mention of his name.

'Whazzup?' he slurred. Snape snorted in derision.

'Well, Mundungus,' said Dumbledore. 'We need your help on a retrieval mission. We know that you have an excellent network of contacts who will give us the required information. But, it is of utmost importance that you sober up immediately!'

'Oh! No problem!' Mundungus drowned a phial of a Pick-me-up potion that he always kept handy.

'Well, that makes eight, but I guess it's necessary,' said Dumbledore. 'Remus, you will head this mission, assisted by Severus. If you split up into groups in London, always ensure that there is an adult with the children.'

Remus nodded. Sirius also nodded enthusiastically.

'And that includes Sirius too,' added Dumbledore, watching Sirius deflate.

Remus had gathered the group around him and soon they were transfiguring their clothes to resemble proper Muggle attire. It was decided that the Trio and Mundungus will be taken on side-along apparition with the rest, to the vicinity of the film studio in London, where Voldemort was last heard of. The group started moving outside while Dumbledore and McGonagall wished them luck.

Dumbledore watched them go up the pathway to the gates and mentally ticked off the group:

1. Remus Lupin, Werewolf, ex-Professor, commands everybody's respect except Severus's.

2. Severus Snape, Professor, ex-Death Eater, commands nobody's respect but Severus's.

3. Sirius Black, ex-Convict and Casanova Supreme, mostly an enthusiastic puppy in human and animagus forms.

4. Mundungus Fletcher, con man and thief, a blight on Wizard-kind but had his uses.

5. Nymphadora Tonks, Auror Extraordinaire if she doesn't end up being a danger to herself in the first place.

6. Harry Potter, suffering from Saviouritis and teenage hormones, each warring to take sole control of him.

7. Ronald Weasley, desperate to break the 'side-kick' mould and aspiring to do great deeds of valour.

8. Hermione Granger, hoping that she will be considered a non-brain but losing the fight to know-it-allitis.

Dumbledore sighed. Considering the odd set of characters for the mission, he knew that Remus would have trouble of keeping this team to-gether and commiserated with him. He wondered if it was better if Voldemort stayed missing but being the believer that he was in the Goodness of All Beings, he affirmed that even the vilest villain had to be rescued. 'Mission Implausible!' he muttered under his breath.

Remus, in the meanwhile, cast an eye over the group he was commandeering. He would have much preferred a lone operation. Only Snape seemed to glide alone in front whereas the others were walking in pairs. He attuned himself to the various conversations that were going on around him.

Tonks and Hermione were giggling about a mall, Harry and Ron were deep in discussion about some Muggle amusement park, whereas Sirius was having an urgent exchange with Mundungus about 'cocktail lounges'. He listened in.

Conversation 1:

'...and when she saw my pink crowning glory, she fainted!' Tonks finished recounting. Though Hermione joined in the laughter, Tonks noticed that she seemed distracted. 'What's up, Hermione? You are stealing looks at the Potions Master. Something brewing between you two?'

'Oh no! Nothing of that sort!' protested Hermione. 'It's just that fan fiction writers seem to write about us all the time, that I wondered what I am supposed to see in him. A romantic, mis-understood hero? All I see is a greasy-haired git!'

'Hey! Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Why don't you find out? I am sure Snape will not wish to apparate with Harry, Ron or Mundungus. So, take this chance and hold his hand!'

'Uh-oh!' thought Remus. 'Trouble ahead!'

Conversation 2:

'... and so Dean tells me that this velo-thingy is the best thing to ogling girls. Their skirts fly up and their dresses are askew,' finished Ron, with a sigh. 'What say, Harry, that we make a detour there? You're sure to be Sirius's partner for the apparition and you can convince him easily to stop by the amusement park. I'll take Remus's help and search for you. Once at the park, we'll see how we can have some fun! What do you say?'

'Uh-oh-oh!' thought Remus. 'Raging teenage hormones!'

Conversation 3:

'Wow!' exclaimed Sirius, 'You mean to say that they have belly-dancing at this place? Exotic eastern dancers! I have been out of circulation for a while and have a lot of catching up to do. Shall we swing by this place, Mundungus?'

'Uh-oh-oh- Stop it!' Remus chided himself. Considering their original plan of side-along apparition, he now doubted if all the group members would end up in the same destination. Each one seemed to have his/her own agenda! And Dumbledore thought that he had the command of this group. 'Time to take action!' Remus told himself firmly.

By now, they were outside the school gates. He caught up with Snape, and inclining his head towards the rest, said, 'It seems unwise to use apparition; better we take a port-key.' Snape grunted his agreement.

'Group,' called Remus, 'change of plans. We will take a port-key to the vicinity of the studio in London.' Remus smiled as he noted the groans of disappointment. Personal plans doused! At least for the moment.

Remus then asked for a suitable artifact to use as a port-key. Mundungus offered a battered silver mug, probably some stolen family heirloom.

'Are you sure this is safe?' queried Remus. He examined some strange looking runes around the base of the mug. Mundungus mumbled something about drinking from it and hence, that it should be safe.

Remus converted it into a port-key and the eight gathered around to touch it.

Soon, they felt the familiar sensation of a pull behind their navel. But there was an added sensation of floating in a sea of icy mist followed by being whooshed through a cylinder of light. Finally they all fell down at their destination and picked themselves off the road of a deserted alley.

As the members slowly got to their feet, they felt that something was wrong. Terribly, terribly, wrong. They looked at their surroundings, then at each other and seven voices screamed, 'Mundungus!'

'Whazzup?' said Ron Weasley.

* * *