Between Love and War

Chapter 20

October 1980

Vivian considered long and hard before she sent Sirius the owl. It was weeks after her talk with Narcissa that she finally decided she had to pass along the information to the Order. Unfortunately, that meant contacting Sirius, and since the last three times they saw each other they ended up fighting, she was not looking forward to seeing him again. But there were more important things at stake than her relationship problems. Still, when a week went by with no response from Sirius, Vivian could not help but feel a little relieved.

When Sirius did finally decide to respond to Vivian, it was for two reasons. One, it would be unbelievably petty to stand in the way of getting information for the Order, and two, he had moved on and was sleeping with a woman Vivian detested. They had broke up months before, and now they had to work together. Fine, if Vivian could handle it, than so could he.

Sirius knocked tentatively at Vivian's door. There was no response so he knocked a bit harder. This was met with a faint moan. Slightly concerned, but even more than that, curious, Sirius knocked much harder before letting himself into the flat.

He found Vivian lying on the floor next to the couch, barely wrapped in a towel. Her hair was wet and stuck unflatteringly to the side of her face. He assumed this meant that she had just taken a shower. The empty bottle of wine next to her probably accounted for her unconscious state.

Sirius had never considered the possibility that Vivian had a drinking problem until that moment. Sure, she had been drunk the last time he tried to talk to her, and the time before that, she'd been drinking, but she was in her early twenties, and it had not seemed odd to him until now. He gently shook her awake. "Vivian?" he said softly. "Wake up."

Vivian squinted up at him. "Sirius." She smiled. "You came." She smacked her lips and made a face. "My mouth tastes weird."

"That is because you are drunk." He helped her onto the couch and her towel fell off. He handed it to her and adverted his eyes. "Let's just get you some clothes, shall we?" He started toward her bedroom.

"Wait," she called out, stopping him in his tracks. "Why are you here? I don't remember."

Sirius turned around and saw that the important bits were mostly covered again, not that he hadn't seen them before. "You owled me. You had information for me."

"Right." She bit her lip. "I don't remember what that was, though."

"Oh, well, that's not a problem. We can just wait until... you're feeling better."

"No! It is a problem." Tears started streaming out of her eyes. "Why is it that I can never give you what you want?"

Sirius did not know how to react to that. Before coming here, he had hoped that she would reference their relationship so that he would be able to casually mention Charissa. He was not sure how he could consider this new relationship moving on when it was all born out of a petty desire to bother Vivian. It was not really even a relationship; it was just sex. But he had considered it moving on nevertheless. Now that he was here however, he knew the truth. He still loved the half naked wino in front of him. It wasn't relevant though, because nothing had changed.

Vivian rubbed her eyes. "Am I crying?" she said, astonished. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

"You're drunk."

She scoffed. "I don't get drunk."

"All right, then." Sirius knew that there was no good reason for him to stick around. It was obviously not a good time for this, and she did not really seem to be posing any danger to herself or anyone else. Except the fact that she had made a habit of drinking alone did show that she was endangering herself in a way.

"Vivian, do you really want to give me what I want?" he asked.

"Desperately."

Her eyes caught his, and Sirius realized how that had sounded. He shook it off and went to the kitchen to get her a glass of water.

He sat next to her on the couch. "Here, drink this."

Vivian wrinkled her nose at it. "I'm really not thirsty."

"I want you to drink this," he insisted.

"Oh." She took the glass from him and sipped the contents. "Is that all you want from me?"

She sounded childlike, and while it was not sexy per se, Sirius felt a wave of melancholy nostalgia. It was so rare that she would be this vulnerable with him, and those were the times he wanted her the most. Under the cold, unyielding sarcasm was the woman he fell in love with.

"No, I want you to go to sleep in your own bed and not have any more wine tonight."

"Alone? You want me to go to bed alone, or..."

"Yeah, actually, Vivian, I'm seeing someone new." He said it not to be cruel but to give her some more closure. Sleeping with Vivian tonight, as much as he may want to, would only make things more difficult in the end.

"But I don't..." She looked so helpless. "I don't want you to leave. Please don't leave again."

Sirius had to look away from her wide pleading eyes. "I don't think that--"

"We don't have to. I just..." She stood, wobbled, and fell back onto the couch. "I just don't want to be alone."

"I guess I could sleep on the couch," Sirius relented.

"No! Not the couch." She stood again and rewrapped the towel around her body with some difficulty. She headed mostly in the direction of her bedroom, although she was weaving quite a bit.

Sirius followed her, confused. He did not really know what she wanted from him. She weaved wide, almost running into the coffee table, and he put his hand on her hip to steady her. This was going to end badly, he could already tell.

Vivian stumbled into her room and basically fell onto her bed. She patted the space next to her and said, "You can sleep here."

"Right, but, Vivian... I don't think we should sleep together." Her towel had come loose again, he covered her with a blanket. "You'll be okay alone."

"No, I'm not okay. Alone. I mean, I'm not okay when I'm alone. I sleep alone all the time. Why can't we sleep together?"

In her condition Sirius could not tell in what sense she meant "sleep together". "You mean you want me to sleep here. Sleep. As in, fully clothed."

Vivian thought about it for a few seconds. "No, that's not what I meant. But if you feel the need to keep your clothes on, I guess I'll take it. Really, I just don't want to be alone anymore."

Sirius felt trapped. He had accidentally agreed to something he hadn't meant to. He sighed and sat on the bed. There was something different. "This is a new bed, isn't it?"

Vivian clapped a hand over her mouth and nodded, eyes wide.

Sirius shook his head slightly in amazement at his life. "This is Rosier's bed?"

Vivian kept nodding and took her hand off her mouth. "I forgot; I swear. It's just so much more comfortable than mine."

Sirius had another flash that told him he was still just a petty teenage boy inside, even though he was about to turn twenty one. He really wanted to have sex with her on Rosier's bed. After everything he had put up with, he wanted this. But it was wrong. They had broken up, she was wasted, and they would both regret it in the morning. So, with amazing self-control, he simply leaned over and took off his shoes.

Then Sirius lay on the bed, next to a naked Vivian and tried to think of anything else. She wrapped an arm around him and buried her head in his shoulder. She breathed in deeply and gave a contented sigh.

Eventually, he fell into an uneasy sleep.

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian woke up before she actually opened her eyes. The first thing she registered was a familiar musky smell. Then she realized that her hand was touching skin. She had to gather courage to open her eyes, because she knew what she was going to see.

Vivian groaned when she saw Sirius. Flashes from the night before filled her head. Sirius stirred, and she tried to pretend she was still sleeping.

"Vivian, I know you're awake." She stubbornly kept her eyes closed, and he sighed. "We didn't do anything last night, just so you know."

She peeked open one eye. "I remember that much. I also remember that I was literally drunk, naked, and crying. And that you managed to resist me."

"Wait, so you're upset that we didn't have sex?"

Vivian opened both eyes and rolled onto her back. "No, that's not... I just wished I hadn't embarrassed myself by throwing myself at a man who was clearly not interested."

"You didn't throw... Hold on, are you saying that... I was in bed with a beautiful naked woman with lowered inhibitions, with whom I know the sex would be pretty good, and by being a gentleman and not taking advantage of you, I wasn't doing you any favors?"

"Yeah, just so you know, you'd never be taking advantage of me. I never going to not want this." It occurred to Vivian that this could have been a gross exaggeration, but her head was still a little fuzzy from sleep and hangover.

"Oh, that's right. This was always just about sex for you."

Vivian sat up, holding the blanket over herself. "No. You don't get to do that anymore. You don't get to pretend that you loved me more than I loved you."

"What are you... No, go on."

"It's just, I'm so tired of you pretending that you were the only one who was hurt in the break-up just because I wouldn't say one stupid little word. I mean when you say that you love me, do you mean that you can't live without me?"

"Yeah."

Vivian heard the "I guess" that he had swallowed, and it emboldened her. "Really, though? Have you been in utter hell these last few months? Have you been able to find no solace, not even in that new woman's arms?"

"I don't know that I would say that, but--"

Vivian got out of bed, the sheet wrapped expertly around her. "Sirius, I can't live without you. Every day since you've been gone, I have woken up in agony. I drink because I don't think I can make it through the nights without you. And it doesn't even make me feel that much better. But it's all I can think of to do. You walked out on me because I couldn't say that I loved you. And I guess to say that I can't live without you is a lie too, because I am alive. But I really and truly cannot stand the thought of life without you. I really have had to turn to alcohol to deaden the pain of losing, not my fiancé, but you. Any pain you feel is deadened by another woman. And so I really don't think it's fair that you get to lie there on your moral high horse.

"Now, I'm going to take a shower, and I think it would be best if you were gone when I get out. Because all you're doing is giving me false hope. And I know that I begged you to stay last night, and I appreciate that you were here for me, but seeing you here is the last thing I need."

Vivian turned and walked out. She kept her composure in place until she got into the bathroom and closed the door. She was horrified by the things she had said. How was any of that going to make things better? She should have pretended to be fine, saved face, so that if she ever ran into him with her, she could pretend that she was happy for them. He just frustrated her so much.

Vivian looked at her reflection in the mirror. She looked horrible. Her hair was sticking out all over the place, worse than bedhead. That was when she remembered that she had taken a shower the night before and slept on her hair wet. There was no point in taking another shower; she had not done anything since her last one. She traded the sheet for a bathrobe and spent a few minutes trying her best to tame her hair, then she went back to her room.

She stopped in the doorway when she saw that Sirius was still sitting on her bed waiting for her. "You're still here."

"I thought there were a couple things we should get straight."

"Oh, good," she said, sarcastically. "Just make it fast because I have to work today." Vivian did not want to have to deal with this right now, but he just stared up at her. "What do we need to get straight?" she asked, bracing herself.

"That I was wrong."

Vivian sighed. "Look, if this is about you thinking that I needed more time, what I said just now--"

"No, you didn't need time, and I get that now. Love is just a word. This, you becoming a raging alcoholic because you can't live without me, is the same thing."

"I'm not an alcoholic," Vivian said indignantly.

"Of course not. I want to apologize because I didn't listen to you before. But I finally hear you, Vivian. I don't want to be broken up anymore. I didn't want to break up in the first place."

Vivian did not know what was he talking about. "But you walked out on me and never came back. You moved on and started seeing someone new."

"But that was only because... I understand that the break-up was as much about my hang ups as it was about yours. So you never wanted to break up either, did you?"

Vivian shook her head warily.

"Okay. I don't want to waste anymore time like this. I think you might be the one, and--"

"No, see, I'm not. I'm just the replacement for the one who died."

"What, Dorcas?"

It was just like him to play dumb. "Yeah, her."

"Vivian, you don't really believe that you're a replacement for Dorcas."

He made it sound like such an absurd idea. In fact, it was not even a question. However, Vivian really needed to think about it before she could respond. "Well, maybe not exactly, but--"

"Vivian, we broke up. It doesn't matter that she died. It probably wouldn't have changed that much between us if she hadn't."

"But you said that you always believed she would come to her senses." Vivian knew without a doubt that Dorcas would have been back for him. She did not even need to know Dorcas; she knew Sirius. "It would have changed a lot. You loved her."

"I love you!" Sirius was incredulous, as though he still had trouble believing that she meant the things she was saying. Vivian rolled her eyes.

From his seat on the side of her bed, Sirius took her hands and pulled her close to him. "Let me tell you something about love," he continued. "Love is a myth. It's a lie. It is the point at which everything else breaks down."

That was the moment Vivian realized where this was heading. She had honestly thought they were still fighting. Even when he said she might be the one, it had sounded like an accusation, as if she could be if only she would just cooperate. After everything that had happened, she had not thought of reconciliation as an option. "You don't believe that though," she said slowly.

"Maybe not, but it doesn't matter." He pulled her onto the bed on top of him.

This seemed so unreal to Vivian. After months of angst, could it really be this easy? She let him kiss her but something was niggling at her mind. Something was wrong about this situation.

"Wait." She pulled back. "What about your girlfriend?"

"What girl-- Oh, that's really just a casual thing. It's not like she thinks we're exclusive."

"No, but we are."

Sirius quirked an eyebrow at her. "Since when?"

Vivian rolled on her back and sighed. He was right. She just had not considered her relationship with Evan as real, and Sirius had not been with anyone when they were together. He would have told her; that was part of the deal. She was so close to getting her life back on track, and it seemed so precarious. She was scared to say the next thing. "I want to be exclusive." She did not let him speak. "I know that Evan's dead, and it sounds like I'm just saying that because of it being convenient for me. But I really think that it's the only way we can make this work. It was wrong for me to get engaged against your wishes and I really think we need to... I don't know what I'm saying. I just want to be exclusive from now on."

"Okay." Sirius sat up. "I never... That's what I wanted anyway. I'll just tell Charissa and then we can start over."

Vivian jumped to her feet. "Did you say Charissa? The woman you've been sleeping with is Charissa Rookwood?"

"I didn't mean to tell you that."

"She was on the list!"

"What list?"

"The list of woman you weren't allowed to sleep with. She was the only name on the list."

He laughed, and that annoyed her. "Vivian, we broke up."

"So you think that means you can sleep with whomever you want?" Vivian knew how irrational she sounded.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I thought actually."

"I can't believe she did that to me. She's like an evil, boyfriend-stealing genius."

"She's not evil, and she's certainly not a genius. It was just sex. She was lonely and she wanted to have a good time."

Vivian laughed. "You don't know her. It was not just sex for her. Charissa is at a place in her life where she's looking to get married. For all we know, she could be pregnant with your child right now."

"I wouldn't marry her if she was pregnant with my child."

"That's good to know."

"No, I just meant that... I would help her obviously. It's just that... I don't love Charissa, and I have no intention of marrying her regardless of... I would marry you if you got pregnant," he finished awkwardly.

"You don't have to say that. It's not as romantic as you might think." Vivian shook her head. "She's probably not pregnant yet; that's not the point."

"What is the point?"

"She's prettier than me," she said meekly.

"Oh, that's right," Sirius murmured. He sounded amused.

"Well, just... Did you have to choose someone so pretty? And better in bed?"

It annoyed her that Sirius smiled just then. "That was kind of the point."

Vivian sat next to him on the bed. "You don't know it, but she is absolutely mad. She may be prettier and all that, but she is a raving lunatic. So... yeah."

"I never said she was prettier than you. That was Rosier."

That did not mean that he didn't think it. "Really? Then what were you just saying?"

"I slept with Charissa because I knew it would bother you. If you want me to be honest, Charissa is very attractive, and she does have a sort of raw sexuality. But come on, Vivian, you know that I prefer brunettes."

Vivian laughed in spite of herself. "Okay, you'll just break it off, and we'll start fresh. Only the thing is, we can't make her angry."

"Vivian, you don't really believe that she is some evil madwoman, do you? Why would she need to trap me into marriage anyway? I'm not as much of a catch as I used to be."

"You still have money. And she..." Vivian broke off.

"She what? She lives with an overindulgent father who provides better for her than I ever could."

Vivian weighed the options in her mind. If she told Sirius about Charissa's fears, then he would know that Mr. Rookwood was a Death Eater. And if he knew that, then he would want more information in order to facilitate an arrest. And if Mr. Rookwood was arrested, Charissa would be more desperate than ever to find a way to marry well. And if Charissa was desperate, who knew what she might have up her sleeve? Vivian had already lost one man, albeit temporarily, to Charissa. She did not want to lose this one.

Now rationally, Vivian knew that Sirius probably already knew about Charissa's father. In fact, Vivian had probably mentioned it at some point. Still, there was no need to remind him of that at this juncture.

"She confided in me that she's lonely. She... wants to get married. She's a girl; we don't really need more of a reason than that. And you have enough money. There aren't a lot of options left."

Sirius shook his head. She knew that he thought she was paranoid. "Okay, so how do we do this without angering Crazy Charissa?"

"I don't know. Just break it off in your charming way, and don't mention me. It's just casual, right? How hard could it be to end it? I'm just warning you not to anger her in the process." Vivian looked up at her clock. She ran to her wardrobe and pulled out robes. "I have to go to work!"

Sirius watched as she striped out of her bathrobe and quickly dressed. As she did so, she added, "You go take care of that, and we will talk later."

Vivian ushered him out of the room. "I really have to go now." She gave a quick, slightly awkward kiss and Disapparated.

~*~*~*~*~

Sirius also had to work that morning, so after Vivian left, he headed home and got ready. He spent much of the day lost in his thoughts and distracted. He tried to take Vivian's concerns seriously, but he really had trouble imagining Charissa as an evil genius who needed to be handled gingerly. Try as he might, he still thought Vivian was being paranoid because of her history with Charissa.

At home that night, Sirius waited. He had never asked Charissa to come; she just showed up a couple nights a week. He supposed he could contact her, but wouldn't his urgency to end things alert her to the fact that something else was going on? Assuming Vivian was right that was. So he waited.

When Charissa did not show up, Sirius contemplated going to see Vivian, but he decided against it. He wanted everything in place so as not to give Vivian any reason to call it off. She was still a little skittish as far as he could tell.

~*~*~*~*~

The next night Charissa showed up at his door, flashing her bright smile. "I was just in the neighborhood," she said. "Thought I'd drop by." She shrugged out of her cloak and kissed him gently on the lips.

Sirius placed his hands on her shoulders and held her at arm's length. "Hey, I think we need to talk."

Sirius led her to the couch and Charissa's smile disappeared. "Er..." He tried to think of how to word this. "I don't think that what we have is working out anymore."

Charissa frowned. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No!" Sirius said, a little too emphatically. "You've been great. What I'm trying to say is--"

"Wait. Are you saying that you want to take this to the next level? Because that's what I want too!" She threw her arms around his neck.

Sirius was at a loss for words. Maybe Vivian was right about her being a bit mad. He pried her off of him for a second time. "Look, Charissa, I think you're great, but I don't want to--"

She was not listening. She was smiling like a child with a secret. "I'm sorry," she burst out. "I know that I should have let you say it, but I'm just so happy." She leaned forward to kiss him, and she kept leaning forward until Sirius was forced to lie back.

He tried to push her away, but she was still straddling him. "Charissa..." He was about to tell her that she was wrong and he wanted to break it off completely, but then he saw the look on her face. She really did look so happy, and it was difficult for Sirius to bring himself to hurt her. "I'm just not sure..." He trailed off.

She beamed down at him. "I knew that this was going to become more than a fling. Sirius, after Evan died, I thought my life was over. Even though we'd broken up, and he was engaged to someone else, I never stopped loving him. But this has all turned out to be a blessing in disguise because it led me to you." She laughed. "You are everything I've ever wanted and needed."

"I-- I can't." He pushed her back. "I can't do this right now. You--"

Charissa cut him off. "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time? I can come back later so that we can celebrate properly."

"No, I--"

"Okay." She stood and collected her cloak. "I understand. I'll just see you whenever then."

She was almost out the door before Sirius found his voice. "Wait, I don't--"

"Don't worry. You're not blowing me off. It's fine. See you soon." She closed the door and was gone.

Sirius looked around his living room, stunned. Charissa had not heard a word he said, and now she thought they were in a real relationship. His decision to keep Vivian out of the loop until everything was settled came back to him. From what Vivian had said, he had reason to believe that she and Charissa talked. Specifically that they talked about marriage and relationships. He hurried to Vivian's flat for damage control.

~*~*~*~*~

When Vivian opened the door to find Sirius standing at the threshold, her breath caught in her throat. It was a stupid reaction. She had known that he would be back. She had learned to believe him when he said that he loved her, if only because that was the most convenient thing for her to do. Still, seeing was different than believing. "So, is that it, then? It's over with Charissa?"

Sirius pushed past her, then turned to face her. "You have to know that I really did try to break it off."

Vivian tried to keep her voice even. "But?"

"But she wouldn't listen! And now..." Vivian waited patiently for him to finish. "We're taking the relationship to the next level."

"And what does that mean exactly?"

Sirius scratched his neck. "I guess we're dating? She's just so happy, I don't even know what to say."

"Oh, right. Here's what you say: Are you off your rocker? I'm breaking up with you, you twit."

Sirius laughed. "I thought I wasn't supposed to anger her."

Vivian pursed her lips. "Do you at least believe me now?"

"That's she's evil?" He pretended to think about it. "No."

Vivian rubbed her temples. "You wait here. I'll be back in a few minutes." She Apparated out, leaving Sirius wondering.

She walked up the steps to the Rookwood house. She had only been there once before, on the day she went with Evan. The same bored looking house elf opened the door, and Vivian told him that she wanted to speak with Charissa. She followed the house elf to the parlor containing the young Miss Rookwood and waited to be announced.

Charissa welcomed her with a bright smile. "Vivian, what a pleasant surprise."

Vivian took a seat on the edge of the couch, trying not to get too comfortable. "Yeah, I hadn't heard from you since you burst into my flat in hysterics. I was wondering how everything was going."

"Oh, it's great. I took your advice and started seeing a wonderful man. It's getting pretty serious." She emphasized the last word.

Vivian sucked on her tooth. "Anyone I know?"

Charissa grinned maliciously. "I think so."

Then Vivian knew for sure. She knew that Charissa had done this on purpose. "Why, Charissa? Why him?"

"Vivian, I did you a favor. If you really had a hold on him, he would not have started sleeping with me in the first place."

"Actually..." Vivian hated that she felt the need to explain herself to Charissa. "He just had a little trouble with my engagement, and we were on a break during that time. So he wasn't cheating on me. But he was breaking up with you tonight, and you know it."

"I know no such thing. He never said anything like that."

"Okay, I am going to make this real simple for you. Sirius is an Auror. If you don't let this go, I'll tell him that your father is a Death Eater."

"Mmm, no, I don't think so. Because if you don't let Sirius go, I'll tell everyone about the affair, and I'll say that you were passing information on to him."

Vivian stifled a gasp. Charissa did not know anything, but that would not stop her from saying it. "He doesn't want me to let him go. He's in love with me."

Charissa shook her head sadly. "How many times did Evan say that before he left you? Because it really wasn't difficult for me to charm my way into his bed."

"And look how that turned out."

"Sirius thinks he loves you, but he is better off without you. You got engaged to another man, for Merlin's sake. Let's look at this objectively. You took a break because of your engagement, and he was fine. He moved on with me, and I am beautiful and sexy and a far more fitting choice for someone of his station." Vivian rolled her eyes at this. "So if you will just walk away and let him be happy, I will make him happy."

Vivian would not admit it, but Charissa had gotten to her with that comment about him being better off without her. "Sirius couldn't care less about his station, and as for you being able to make him happy, you're just using him for his money, which he doesn't even have anymore."

"He has enough."

"Oh, so you admit it."

"It isn't about the money, Vivian; it's about companionship. What are you using him for?"

Vivian should have answered quickly, but she stopped to think about it. She was not using Sirius, not the way Charissa was, but in a way there was an answer. She was using him to make her feel loved and valued in a way she had never been made to feel before. She had no intention of being that emotionally open with Charissa though, so, after several seconds of silence, she said, "Fine. You can have your chance with him. I won't interfere."

"So you're really going to let him go?" Charissa sounded skeptical.

Vivian laughed. "No. But if he wants to continue this relationship, I won't stand in the way of that. How could I? As you pointed out, I was engaged to another man."

Charissa regarded her shrewdly. "If that's a challenge, I accept. You don't think I can get him away from you, but I can."

"And if that's true, I would really like to know that before the relationship goes any further."

A silence stretched between them. Vivian continued. "This didn't exactly go the way I planned. I'll let myself out."

~*~*~*~*~

Sirius knew he was overstepping his bounds, but after Vivian left him alone, he went through her kitchen and poured out all the alcohol he found. He went back and forth about it. On the one hand, she had a family history of alcohol abuse, and she had been drinking a lot. On the other hand, she was adopted, and she'd only been drinking heavily for a couple months, that he knew of. Finally, he decided to do it. Some of the things she had said the morning before had worried him. The entire time, as he was searching through her cabinets, he was afraid she would come home and catch him, but she did not return for quite a while.

~*~*~*~*~

When Vivian got home that night, she found Sirius asleep on her couch. She realized that it was rather late. After she finished her conversation with Charissa, she had walked around the neighboring town thinking about what had happened. For a while, she wondered if Charissa had tricked her somehow. She did not really want to believe that was even possible, but underestimating Charissa seemed to be a common problem. So she needed to really think about it.

Vivian had meant it when she told Sirius that she thought the best chance for them was to start over without the other relationships in the way. And she really did want to believe in his love, but it was hard for her. It was wrong. It was wrong for her to test him. She had been the one putting him through everything. Since the day they met, he had hardly done anything wrong. Charissa had not convinced Vivian to do anything; she had not needed to. Vivian watched Sirius sleep and promised herself that if he passed this test, she would finally believe in him.

She nudged him awake. His eyes fluttered open and he smiled. "Hey, there," he said.

"Hey, yourself."

Sirius sat up and smoothed back his hair. "Did you break up with Charissa for me?"

Vivian smiled weakly. "No, you're going to have to do that for yourself." After a pause, she quickly added, "But you don't have to if you don't want to."

Sirius looked bemused. "I'm sorry?"

"Charissa and I talked, and she made me realize how selfish I've been."

"By monopolizing my affection?"

"No." Vivian sat next to him. "I was living with another man. I got engaged to him. If you want to continue seeing Charissa, it would be hypocritical for me to object."

"But what about everything you said before, about needing to start over in an exclusive relationship? You don't mean this. You're just testing me."

Vivian rubbed her face. "I don't want you to break up with her just because that's what I want. I want you to... do whatever is going to make you happiest."

Sirius stared at the side of her face with squinted eyes, until finally, she turned to face him. Then he took her cheeks in his hands and looked deep in her eyes. "What am I supposed to say?"

She pulled his hands down. "The truth, how you really feel. Take some time. Think about it. What do you want to do? I'll be here regardless."

Sirius sat back. "When you were with Rosier, living with him, engaged to him, that wasn't about... him. You weren't really with him. It was all a scam to get information. Am I wrong about any of that?"

"No, but that doesn't matter." Vivian sighed, frustrated. "This isn't about me. This isn't something we need to discuss. I'm just telling you that I realize--"

"No, you don't realize. You don't realize how much I love you. What is going to make me the happiest? Whatever will make you happy and make you feel comfortable, so that you can stop being so skittish. So, I'm going to break it off, because for all your protest of how fine you are with it, you're not. You won't be here regardless." He laughed. "You're not okay with sharing me. With a woman you hate, by the way."

"It's got to be easier than sharing you with a friend."

"Yeah, if only you had friends."

That should have stung, but it didn't because he was right. In that moment, Vivian had to think hard to come up with the names of the few friends she actually had. She counted Narcissa. Despite everything that had happened there, they were friends. Then there Octavia, and then she was done. What scared her was that she was starting to think maybe Charissa was kind of her friend. "But that's not... I'm not okay with it, but that not the point. If you break up with her, I want it to be because she can't offer you anything you want. Because you don't want her, not because you do want me. I don't want you to say it and have it just be words. I don't want you to tell me what I want to hear. I want the truth."

"When have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?"

Vivian almost said, "When you tried to kill my brother," but that was not fair. "Please, just take me out of the equation, and tell me what you want from Charissa."

Sirius took a deep breath. "I want her out of the way so that you will always stay in the equation. I don't know how to take you out of it. She was a placeholder, a warm body, something to do when I was bored. And she was fun to do. Of the options, she was a good one. But none of that compares to you. If I hadn't come here two nights ago, if we hadn't gotten back together, Charissa never would have become more than a fling."

"No, no, no. You're underestimating her. When you tried to break up with her, she manipulated you into taking it to next level. She would have done that anyway eventually, and you would have gone along with it, because..."

"Because I couldn't have what I really wanted. Okay, I'll give you that; you could be right. But it would have been because I was so depressed at the thought that you would never love me that I wouldn't care anymore."

"Here's what I want to know. Do you think, honestly, that you could ever have fallen in love with her?"

Sirius shook his head. "No."

Vivian did not believe he had given it enough thought. "Honestly? If you hadn't shown up at my flat, you never would have loved again?"

Sirius grinned in that infuriating way of his. "Well, that's a different question. What are you afraid of? That I'm going to fall in love with someone else? What, you finally believe that I love you as much as Dorcas, so you're looking for someone else by whom you can feel threatened?"

"No." Vivian could not think of any responses to this accusation so she left it at that.

"You drive me crazy. How many hoops do I have jump through to make you believe me? What is it-- What is it about you that makes you the way you are? What do I have to compensate for? What do I have to do?"

"I don't... want to make a mistake. I don't want to fall for you and then lose you. I'm scared. This is scary. Why can't you see that? I don't let people in, and I don't get hurt. I don't like being hurt." He was smiling. She wanted to smack him. "I know that no one likes getting hurt, but... but I'm just talking about me. I can't trust you; I can't l-- love you unless you can guarantee that you'll never hurt me."

"I can't do that. I want to, but there are no guarantees."

"Then can you just let me be skittish for a little while longer? You know what, break it off with Charissa. Tell me what I want to hear, even if it's empty platitudes and the kind of lies every relationship is built on. Tell me you could never love anyone else. Tell me you never think about other women. Tell me she was nothing compared to me. Just let me have some time."

Sirius was silent for a few moments. "I could never love anyone else," he said in earnest. "I never think about other women. She was nothing compared to you. It's over. I promise you, it is over, and it will never happen again. I will never hurt you. You are everything I could ever want or need, and I love you, Vivian. You can have all the time you need. Just believe that I love you."

Vivian's heart swelled and she felt tears stinging in her eyes. It was ridiculous how the words she had put in his mouth were affecting her. "I don't even want to know how much of that was a lie."

"Probably not as much as you think. So we're okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay," Vivian said, and she actually meant it.

Sirius stood. "Good, because I'm tired. Let's go to bed."