Between Love and War

Chapter 17

July 1980

The day after she got engaged, Vivian sent an owl to Sirius telling him that she had said yes to Evan and that she would be at her old flat for an hour every day after work if he wanted to talk. She knew that he had said that would be it for them, but she did not want to believe that was the break-up. If they had to break up, it should at least be in a way that gives closure. And if he came for the closure conversation, maybe there was a chance they could work things out. So Vivian had to believe that he would show up. She went to her flat every day for two weeks, but there was no Sirius.

On the first Thursday of July, exactly two weeks after she had gotten engaged, Vivian sat in silence for exactly one hour. She decided the next day would be the last day she waited for him. She wondered if she should send him another owl to let him know that she would no longer be there, but it did not seem that he would care. Vivian got up to leave when there was a knock at the door. This was a bit alarming since Sirius never knocked and only her Muggle neighbors and landlord knew that she still lived there. She looked through the peephole and saw that it was in fact Sirius at the door. She eagerly opened the door for him.

Sirius strode into the room, and without a word of greeting, said, "I've given this engagement a lot of thought. I don't want to lose you."

Vivian looked at him closely. He looked terrible. There were dark circles under his eyes and he just seemed worn out. She thought that was encouraging. "You don't have to lose me. I'm right here."

She made a move to embrace him, but Sirius held her at arm's length. "It won't be easy for me to accept that you're married to another man. But I can do it as long as I know that you love me."

Vivian's breath caught in her throat. Surely he was not asking what she thought he was. "You know how I feel about you."

HE gave an odd sort of smile. "No, I don't, because you've never said it. Not once." He grabbed her by the shoulders. "I love you! I need to hear you say the same."

He shook her a little as he said this. Vivian pulled away violently, much as she had when they were in school. "I can't do that."

"Why not?"

She turned away from him. "I've said it so many times and I've never meant it. 'I love Lucius. Evan is the love of my life.' All that gushing and fawning isn't me. I don't gush."

"You're shutting me out. You're feigning this ice princess act like you always do when you get scared."

Vivian knew he was partially right. That was what she did when she got scared, but that was not what she had been doing now. "I'm shutting you out? You've never even let me in!"

"All I need is to hear you say that you love me. Why is that so hard for you?"

"Because I don't love you!" The words came out before Vivian could find a way to soften them. Sirius physically staggered from the weight of her words. "You have to understand; I just don't believe in love. I've told you that several times."

Vivian tried to go to him again, but he backed away from her. "No, you told me that you believe in love in theory, but at that time you had never seen it work. We work."

"Obviously not as well as you think." She did not say it to be cruel, but to be accurate.

"So that's it?"

"What? That's what?"

"You don't love me, so where can we go from here? We've been together for over a year, and you don't feel anything."

He was twisting her words. "That's not what I said. I care for you a great deal."

"You care for me?" This clearly was not enough for Sirius.

"What do you want from me?" Vivian asked, even though she knew. She could tell he was waiting to hear those three little words. "Do you want me lie? Is that it?"

"No, Vivian, it would be meaningless if you lied."

For the first time since this argument started Vivian could almost see it resolving. "Exactly. They're just words."

"What I want is for you to love me."

Vivian sighed. "You're not being realistic."

She could see the end on his face before he ever said it. She had seen it coming for months, in fact. That did not make it any easier to hear him speak. He was not even looking her in the eye when he said, "Do you understand that we're breaking up? Does that bother you at all?"

She understood, but she was not going to make it easy for him. "Oh, yeah, it bothers me. But we're not breaking up; this isn't mutual. You're breaking up with me, because I don't conform to what you want me to be."

"You've always had the bad habit of blaming the victim. I've never asked you to conform to anything, but I can't be with you if you don't think it's realistic for me to expect you to fall in love with me. So, if that's the case, I'm going to go."

Vivian opened the door for him. "That's probably for the best. I have an engagement party to plan."

Sirius gave a contorted smirk, and though he looked like he wanted to say something, he just walked out.

It had not been an entirely satisfying break-up, but at least there was more closure than before. Vivian did wish she had remembered to say goodbye, though.

~*~*~*~*~

After that, everything happened so quickly. First there was an engagement party to plan and Vivian being asked about colors and flowers and other things that she could care less about. Mrs. Rosier was making spiteful comments and being generally unpleasant. Evan was blithely ignoring all the tension.

Then one night, Evan left to tend to business and never came home. Now Vivian sat in front of a casket wearing black. She tried to cry, but there was nothing. She genuinely felt dead inside, and she figured that would work. Besides, to her left, Wilkes's widow was weeping loudly enough for both of them.

Vivian barely listened to what anyone was saying throughout the proceedings. She was so angry at Evan for dying. This was not how it was all supposed to go down. Just like that, all her plans had come to an abrupt stop, and she was left with nothing.

After the funeral, there was a reception at Wilkes's house. Since the two of them had died along side each other, Mrs. Wilkes had thought a joint funeral and reception would be fitting. Vivian had readily agreed because it would save her all the work of planning a funeral. Vivian heard condolences from so many people that she needed a few glasses of wine just to make it through the evening. She was so relieved when Mrs. Rosier finally suggested that it was time for them to leave. Vivian used the Floo Network to return to Evan's flat because she could recognize that she was a little too tipsy for Apparation.

Back at the flat, Vivian reached for another glass of wine. Mrs. Rosier took it out of her hand. "I know that you're hurting, dear, but you've had quite enough."

Vivian sat sullenly on the couch. Mrs. Rosier continued. "We have matters to deal with. I want Evan's grandmother's ring back."

Vivian laughed. "For what? In case you didn't notice the Rosier line has just died out. There's no one else to give it to. I guess you just don't want me to hock it." She snorted at the thought.

"Yes, you've definitely had enough wine."

Vivian did not drink often. So it took her a second to realize that Mrs. Rosier was right. Here she was laughing on the day of her fiancé's funeral. She resolved to be more appropriate. Unfortunately, in her condition that was not easy. She looked at the ring on her finger and pulled it off with some difficulty. She held it out in her hand as an offering. "I've lost everything."

Mrs. Rosier took the ring and murmured an assent.

"No," Vivian said. "I gave up everything for him. Every. Thing." Thing came out sounding funny, and Vivian tried not to giggle. "Everything," she said to remind herself.

Mrs. Rosier sat next to her and seemed unsure as to whether she really wanted to be comforting Vivian. "Now, dear, what did you really give up?"

Sirius. That was what she gave up. She had the good sense not to say that, though. "My dignity, my pride, my ability to look at myself in the mirror. What else? My entire future. I hung that on him and now he's gone and I have nothing."

Mrs. Rosier patted her hand awkwardly. "You're upset, dear. Go to bed. You can worry about making other living arrangements in the morning."

Vivian could not believe how insensitive she was being. "Do you realize that he's dead? I mean, 'cause you're a little... impassive."

Mrs. Rosier's face hardened. "I hoped that he wouldn't marry you, but if I'd know that this was the alternative, I wouldn't have. That's all I can say in your favor. Obviously I'm upset. I'm his mother; who are you? I don't want to grieve with you. I want to get you out of my life."

"You know, he loved me whether you like it or not." Vivian wanted to stick her tongue out, but she did not. "He loved me, and you can't stand it." That came out a little more sing-songy than she'd intended. "Taking back the ring, which is bad form, and kicking me out of his flat won't change any of that. And I think I will go to bed. You may leave now."

Mrs. Rosier motioned to show that she would love to leave but could not. "I'm not going to leave you alone here."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "Well, I hope you like the couch."

Mrs. Rosier transfigured the couch into a bed that looked more like a cloud, which Vivian had forgotten was an option. "This should work just fine," she said, smirking. Vivian turned and went to her room with a huff.

Vivian lay in bed for a long time staring at the empty space next to her. She tried to imagine Evan lying there; then she tried to imagine Sirius lying there. Both times, however, she was unable to see anything in that place. Even when she closed her eyes, she could not get her mind's eye to conjure up the figures of either man. She was simply alone, even in her imagination.

The next morning, Vivian awoke like a shot. She sat straight up in her bed, Evan's bed, and then held her head as she realized what a mistake that had been. She got up from bed slowly and found that as long as she did not make any sudden movements, her headache was not that bad. She was a little nauseous, but she supposed that was to be expected. She went out to the living room to see if Mrs. Rosier was awake yet.

She found Mrs. Rosier in the kitchen. When Vivian came in, the woman handed her a potion. "It's a hangover cure. I thought you might need one."

Vivian made it a policy not to drink potions she had not made herself. Potion making was a delicate art that could so easily be screwed up by someone lacking the proper skill. The last thing she wanted to do was upend this brew, which was making her more nauseous by the second. Vivian did not think that insulting Mrs. Rosier would be a good course of action at this juncture though, so she raised the glass to her lips and drank it down quickly. The foul mixture came back up even more quickly. Luckily, Vivian was close enough to the sink that she was able to minimize the mess.

She wiped her mouth on a dishtowel. "You know, I should be fine as long as I don't eat anything. And I want to apologize if I was... inappropriate last night. It was..." It occurred to Vivian that this would be a good time to cry and lament the loss of her love, but no tears were coming to her. "The only thing I have felt since he died was complete and utter hopelessness. Not pain, it doesn't hurt; it's just a crushing numbness. I saw him at the funeral and I felt like my heart was in the coffin with him..." Vivian trailed off as she tried to think of something else to say.

Mrs. Rosier did not give her a chance to go on though. "Why do you feel so helpless? Is it because he died before you were married?"

Vivian leaned against the counter. She knew what Mrs. Rosier was implying, but debated whether or not to play dumb. Surely, Mrs. Rosier would see through that. "No, it has nothing to do with the money. I do believe that it's bad form to take back the ring and kick me out, but that's not it. I feel hopeless because I loved your son. I don't care if you ever believe that; it doesn't much matter what you believe now. It was never about the money though. I have a good job and I'll be okay financially. That's not what I lost. I lost Evan. I see no future without Evan. I feel nothing now that he's gone."

If Vivian had hoped her impassioned speech would soften Mrs. Rosier's heart, she was disappointed. That woman was determined to see her as the gold digging tramp daughter of Galina Dolohov. Vivian was starting to see that, even now through Evan's death, she could not win her over. They stood in silence.

Finally, Mrs. Rosier spoke. "So, about the flat..."

"Oh, I will gladly move out. I don't want to live here without Evan. I just need a couple of days to secure my old flat."

Mrs. Rosier's face grew pleasant for the first time. "That won't be a problem, dear. Now shouldn't you being going to work? It is all you have left."

Vivian could not tell if that was another crack about her financial situation, but she decided to let it go. "They gave me the week off. Some people are sympathetic to my grief."

"But you don't feel grief. You feel numb, which, by the way, dear, might not happen if you laid off the wine from time to time."

That was it for Vivian. "You know what, Anatola? I can understand why you felt threatened by me, and it had nothing to do with money. But Evan's dead, so you really don't have to worry about losing his love to me. Could I have driven a wedge between you two? Undoubtedly, since you are such an unbelievable pain in the... neck. Would I have? God, yes. But he's dead, so you can stop with the comments. Maybe I started drinking because I knew this was coming. Because it was so much easier to deal with last night."

"I'd be careful what you say to me."

Vivian laughed cruelly. "Why, because your dead husband knew You-Know-Who in school? Because you can stop me from getting your dead son's money? What do you really have to threaten me with? I'd prefer straight threats to those veiled insults. So what is it that you're going to do me if I'm not careful?"

Mrs. Rosier had no response to this. Vivian figured as much. She walked out of kitchen, which she had wanted to do for a while. She just needed to make sure she was winning the argument first.

~*~*~*~*~

Her first day back at work, Vivian ate lunch with Octavia. It seemed that Vivian had given her some sense that they were co-conspirators with her comments at Draco Malfoy's christening. Vivian suddenly found herself with a new friend, and it was not entirely a bad thing. Even though Octavia was a Death Eater sympathizer, she was actually an interesting person, and she was less concerned with talking about the cause than gossiping about the staff at St. Mungo's. Vivian hadn't made many friends at work, and she had not had anyone to eat with since she went off the night shift. Best of all, Octavia's gossip was occasionally useful for passing on to the Order. Of course, Vivian no longer had someone in the Order to whom she could pass this information.

"So she made you move out of the flat within days of his funeral?"

Vivian nodded. "Luckily, my old flat was still available. And the day of the funeral, she took back the engagement ring he gave me." It felt good to abuse Mrs. Rosier.

Octavia gasped with horror and delight. Horror at how insensitive Mrs. Rosier was being, delight at the juiciness of this gossip. "What a bitch! So how are you holding up?"

Vivian considered this question. She did not know how to be a grieving fiancée. What was appropriate and how would she know? "It helps to be here, to have something else to concentrate on. But it still hurts all the time, like a dull ache, and I just feel lost, like I'm drifting along aimlessly. Actually, I'm sorry, but I'd rather not even talk about it."

"That's understandable. So..." Octavia leaned in closer. "There's a man, yes, a man, upstairs who thinks he's Queen Maeve. It's the most hilarious thing; you have to go up there..."

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian sat at her kitchen table and read over a card of condolences that had come from the Nott family. She had not been writing back in response to all the cards she had received, but this one was different. There was a long written section that was so thoughtful and heartfelt that Vivian could see that Evan had been important to the family, "like another son" according to Mrs. Nott. Vivian felt that it was only right to respond to this and thank Mrs. Nott for her kind words. The problem was nothing came to her. Vivian was staring at a blank note. Everything she thought of sounded so clichéd, and she was supposed to be in love with Evan. She should be able to come up with a sincere note of appreciation. It occurred to her that maybe a glass of wine would help get the creative juices flowing.

Vivian was still staring at that blank sheet of paper when there came a knock at the door. To say she was surprised to see Sirius outside her door, chatting away with her neighbor, would be an understatement.

"Oh, Vivian," said Mrs. Peterson, "I was just having a delightful talk with your gentleman friend."

Vivian's eyes stayed focused on Sirius. "So you were."

Sirius bid Mrs. Peterson farewell and went into the flat. The old woman leaned forward so as not to be heard by him. "He was dressed as strangely as you always are. Are you two in a cult?"

Vivian forced a smile. "No, Mrs. Peterson. Have a nice night." She closed the door before anything else could be said.

When she turned around, Sirius was looking in the bedroom. "I see you haven't furnished the place."

It was true. The only addition to the sofa and the cardboard box was the table she had been sitting at and the one chair. "I've been too busy for furniture shopping."

Sirius nodded but did not say anything. He just stood awkwardly in the middle of her living room.

"Why are you here?" Vivian asked.

He avoided eye contact. "I just need to know if you have any information to pass along."

Vivian tried to think back. "Your brother became a Death Eater."

She had not said it to hurt him, but she saw that it had that effect anyway. "Okay. Anything else?"

"Nothing too crucial. And, since I'm not really poised right now to hear anything all that important, you don't have to show up here. I'm sure this is uncomfortable for you."

Sirius nodded again, just as awkwardly as before. He seemed to struggle with whether or not to say something, but eventually the impulse to speak won out. "I couldn't help but notice the wine on the table. I've never seen you drink. In fact, you told me that the smell of alcohol makes you sick."

She wanted to tell him that he had no right being concerned after he had walked out on her, but that would have been too intimate, too close to screaming that he broke her heart, which was the last thing she wanted to do. "Yeah, well, occasionally I manage to choke down a glass of wine."

"So you didn't drink all that tonight?"

Vivian looked at the bottle on the table and was surprised to see how much was missing. "No," she lied.

"And what brought on this drinking alone?"

"Well, my fiancé just died."

That seemed to really bother Sirius. "See, this is exactly why I didn't want you to get engaged to him. Listen to yourself; you just called him your fiancé."

"He was my fiancé!"

Sirius flexed his jaw a little. "And you're drinking because he died?"

Vivian did not know why he was making such a big deal out of this. After all, he had broken up with her. "Is it a crime for a single woman to have a glass of wine with dinner?"

Sirius looked pointedly at the table where there was no dinner. "Just out of curiosity, what did you do when you lost me?"

"I went on with my life, but, you see--" She gestured grandly at her flat--"I don't have a life anymore. So I thought I'd drink a little."

He sat on the couch, and it irked Vivian the level of comfort he had in her home. He took a deep breath before speaking. "I've been thinking a lot about our break-up. I could have handled you better."

"I don't need to be handled," Vivian said crossly.

"It just occurs to me that maybe I shouldn't have pushed you to..."

Vivian did not wait for him to come up with the right words. "Does this change of heart have anything to do with the fact that I'm no longer engaged? Because if it does, let's face it, my being engaged was not the problem."

"Your engagement caused me to force the issue, and that may have been wrong of me. Now I see that maybe you just need more time."

"I don't need more time. I'm never going to say that I love you."

Sirius shook his head. "You don't know that."

Vivian tried to think of a way to get it across to him exactly how she felt about love. "Evan's love was an excuse, my father's love was destructive, and my mother's love allowed her to be destroyed. Love is a myth. Love is the point at which everything else breaks down."

Sirius jumped to his feet. "No! Love is... great. It's just..."

"It's just causing you pain. Don't you see that?"

"Wow, you are serious about this. You are actively trying to convert people to this point of view."

Vivian hesitated. She had not thought about it like that, but perhaps it was worth a try. "If I can convince you, then we can be together again. If you just let go of this need to hear that I love you, it'll fix all the problems in our relationship. Yes, I am trying to convert you. I'm trying to fix us."

Sirius rubbed his eyes. "I can't--"

"It's just a word!" Vivian burst out. "It's just something people use to excuse their behavior. 'Don't leave me; I love you.' 'I didn't mean to hurt you; I love you.' It's all rubbish. I'm trying to be honest with you."

"Vivian..."

"No, I can say it." She spat out the words with so much venom. "I love you. I love you with all of my heart. Did that make things better? Is that all you needed?" By this point she was pretty sure that there was not going to be a reconciliation that night.

"Why do you even want to get back together? Where do you even see this going?"

"Right now, I don't even know."

"Okay." He started toward the door. "That simplifies things."

"Wait!" Vivian had gotten caught up in the fight, and she now realized that she might have gone a little too far. "Please stay. I do care about you. I need you in my life!"

He still walked through the door. "But that's good enough for you, is it?" She picked up her wine glass and threw it at the now closed door.

Vivian stared at the broken glass on the floor for quite a while. It had felt good to throw it. She had not even realized how angry she was before she did that, but there it was, all her aggression, laying spent before her. Finally, she cleaned up the mess and went back to work on her note to the Notts. As she did so, she noted that July had ended much the same way it had begun.