Between Love and War

Chapter 13

On the surface everything seemed to be going a thousand percent better for Vivian than it had been just a few short weeks before. Benjy had commented that she seemed much less sullen now that she was back in the loop. It did not matter that she had only acquired trivial information at that point; at least she was gathering information again. Sirius had handled her relationship with Evan better than she had dreamed possible. Everyone she knew told her how glad they were to hear that she and Evan had gotten back together. "You're good for each other," her friends would say. Yes, on the surface, everything was going perfectly in Vivian's life.

Under the surface, however, Vivian was struggling with her relationship with Sirius. He still had never explicitly said that he loved her, and Evan actually said it almost every day. Vivian was not really sure how to explain how she knew with such certainty that Sirius did and Evan didn't. It was one of those feelings that couldn't be put into words. However, what really bothered Vivian was that she could not figure out why that fact scared her so much. Since that night, Vivian had stuck to denial, telling herself that she was not scared, that she wanted to be loved, and this was a good development. Some distant part of her brain that insisted on being far too rational thought she should talk to Sirius about her feelings, but that was the last thing she wanted to do. Vivian felt that she was hanging onto Sirius by a very thin thread already, and she really did not want to upset the balance. Despite the fear, which she was pretending did not exist, Vivian was happy with Sirius. She knew that eventually this would come to a head, but until then, Vivian was prepared to pretend everything was fine.

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian sat down to lunch in the hospital cafeteria. She was having trouble getting excited about the turkey sandwich on her plate. Although she didn't actually eat sandwiches for lunch every day, it was starting to feel that way. She picked up the sandwich and put it down without taking a bite. She looked aimlessly around the room, and she saw James Potter making a beeline for her table, followed by his wife. Vivian pretended not to be surprised when he sat down across from her. She noticed Lily remained standing, holding a heaping plate of roast beef. She looked down at her own plate. Maybe that sandwich would be more appetizing if it were roast beef.

"James, hi. Er, what brings you here?"

James waved his hand at his wife. "We had a check-up for the baby."

Vivian's eyes went to Lily. "You're pregnant?"

Lily nodded with a tight smile. She had a look, like she wanted to be friendly but she was not quite able to pull it off.

Vivian decided to turn back to James. He seemed easier to read. "Congratulations. I meant, though, what brings you to this table? You clearly don't intend to eat here." She gestured toward Lily.

"I just wanted to ask you if you're still helping Remus. He hasn't heard from you."

Vivian sensed that this was coming from a place of intense dislike. It was as if he was looking for something else to hold against her. "There really isn't anything to tell him. However, I am definitely keeping myself abreast of the developments in that field. And you can tell your friend that his case is of the utmost importance to me."

James quirked an eyebrow. "And there's nothing to tell?"

She was starting to get frustrated. "What are you trying to prove here? Research continues. That's all I have for you."

James gave a small shake of his head and stood. As he turned to leave, Vivian could not stop herself from saying, "I hear you don't trust me."

James turned around; there was a smile on his face. "Let me ask you this: Are you sleeping with Sirius?"

He had said it loud enough that a few people had turned to look at them. Vivian mentally grimaced but held her head high. "I have a boyfriend and we're in a monogamous relationship."

"Do you really have a boyfriend this time?"

Vivian tried so hard not to let him get to her. "Yes. Evan and I are back together. We have been for over a month now."

"Really?" His eyes sparkled in a way that told her he had the upper hand. "Maybe you're in a monogamous relationship, but he isn't."

Vivian could feel her mouth drop open. "Wha--" She fought to regain her composure. "That... That may be the case, but it's really none of your business."

"Hmm, that's true." He started to walk away, but Lily handed him her plate and leaned over the table.

"Sirius is good guy. He tries to hide it, but he has a really good heart. If you hurt him..." The threat hung in the air as the Potters walked away. Vivian leaned back in her chair, stunned. What kind of person was she that even Lily Evans Potter hated her? From what Vivian had heard, Lily liked everyone. Something else tugged at the back of her mind. At first she could not remember what James had said that bothered her so much, but it came back to her in a flash. Evan was cheating on her. He might have just been saying that, but it seemed like something Evan would do. Well, she would see him that night. Hopefully it would turn out to be a silly misunderstanding.

~*~*~*~*~

"Happy Birthday!"

Vivian set down her purse on the table next to his door. "It's not my birthday."

Confusion flickered across Evan's face. "Yes, it is. December 11^th, I wrote it down."

"You wrote it down wrong. My birthday's the 17^th."

"Are you sure?"

Vivian just stared at him for a second. "Yes. But if you're all prepared for a birthday celebration, I don't care if it's six days early." If they were going to break up because of his cheating, Vivian wanted her present first. That might sound horrible and selfish, but she did not care. She liked presents.

"I guess it's a good thing I didn't organize a surprise party."

Vivian smiled. "Yeah. It would have been quite a surprise, though. You know, my birthday's too close to Christmas anyway. I should just change it to the eleventh."

Evan reached out for her and pulled her into his arms. "I will keep that in mind for next year."

Vivian pulled back a little, so that she could see his face better. "Do you think we'll still be together in a year?"

He shrugged. "Why wouldn't we be?"

"Because you're cheating on me." Vivian had not meant to say that then, and she certainly had not meant to be so blunt with her accusation. She was just unable to hold in the words.

Evan dropped his arms from her waist so fast that Vivian was left unsupported and almost fell. He looked angry when he asked, "Why would you say that?"

"I'm sorry. What I should have said was: Are you cheating on me? Because that's the word on the street."

"The word...? Who told you that?"

"That matters a lot less than the fact that I think I believe him."

Evan flexed his jaw. "Yeah, that is an interesting development."

"Are you going to deny it? Are you even going to... say anything?"

Evan shook his head. "I don't know what to say."

Vivian would have told him that a simple confirmation or denial was all she wanted, but she did not want to prompt him. Instead, she waited to see what he would say.

Finally he spoke. "Did this guy even offer you any kind of evidence?"

Vivian laughed. "I think I just got my answer. That's confirmation right there. Who was she?"

"Vivian, there's no easy answer here."

"Actually, there is. It's her name."

Evan licked his lips, as he always did when thinking deeply. "Okay, I'm not going to deny that I cheated on you, but I don't see how names are going to help."

"Names? Was that the complication? It's not a she; it's them."

"I think we should talk about this."

Vivian blew out her breath and turned her back to Evan. She walked to the table in the entryway and laid her hands flat on it. "You didn't have that much time to rack up very many women. How many could there be? Or let me ask you this, how long did you even wait before shagging another woman?"

"Vivian, will you look at me?"

"No." She picked up a vase and threw it hard at the wall to her left.

Evan let out an expletive and quickly repaired the vase. "Vivian..."

She turned around. "You begged me to forgive you, to take you back. I finally do and you break my heart all over again!"

"Look, can we just talk? I'll pour you a glass of wine and we'll discuss this."

Vivian's eyes went to the bottle on the coffee table. She walked over to it. It was a Merlot, perfect. She grasped it by the long neck. "What's there to discuss?"

Evan looked a little frightened. "Are you going to throw that at me?"

Vivian shook her head. "Of course not. I wouldn't hurt you." She threw it at a tapestry on the wall. It spun beautifully and exploded in a burst of red wine.

Evan put a hand to his head. "That tapestry is expensive."

"I know."

"No, it's worth..."

"More money than I could possibly save in a lifetime, I know. It can be fixed though, like the vase. I'm more like the wine; the bottle can be repaired, but the wine is gone forever."

"Maybe we should talk after you calm down."

Vivian headed for the door. "That's a good idea," she said as she slipped her purse onto her shoulder. "I'll let you know if I ever calm down."

When she walked out of Evan's flat, she knew exactly where she was going to go. It was the same place she always went when things went wrong. Luckily, this time when she showed up unexpectedly at Sirius's house, he was sitting alone, reading. Vivian pulled him to his feet and led him to the bedroom without a word. He tried to speak, but she shook her head and pushed him onto the bed. He scooted back, as she started to strip.

"You're... intense tonight." He said it casually, as an observation.

Her hand paused on the hooks to her bra. "So?"

"So I was just wondering what happened with Rosier to cause this."

She dropped her hands to her side. "What if it's because he cheated on me and we broke up."

Sirius smiled. "It's scary how well I know you. What happened? Did you walk in on something?"

"James gave me a heads up actually. You knew, didn't you? And you didn't say anything."

Sirius sat up on his elbows. "I didn't think it mattered. You're cheating on him."

"It's different."

He smiled wryly. "It always is with you. This is exactly why I didn't want you to get involved with him again."

Vivian squinted her eyes at him. "What is exactly why?"

"This. You getting so upset. Why does it matter if he's cheating on you? He's just a means to an end."

Vivian started to pace. "I don't think you understand where my head is at on this. It's like I never..." She stopped pacing and straddled him on the bed. "Are you cheating on me?"

Sirius ran his hands down her side and fingered the elastic waistband of her underwear. "No, you're actually the cheater in this relationship. But it's different, I know."

Vivian rolled onto her back. "I want to make it clear to you that this isn't even about Evan. I was dating a man and he left me for another woman. Then he begs me to come back and he's cheating on me within a month. I wasn't enough for him."

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but Vivian continued, cutting him off. "Don't even say it. My getting back together with Evan was something you and I discussed as a couple. You decided that this was something you could accept. And you understood my reasons for doing it. It had nothing to do with any failing on your part. But with Evan, this has to be purely sexual. I'm not enough for him and I don't know why he even--"

"So am I enough for you?"

The tone of her voice bordered on sarcastic as she said, "More than enough, really." She paused. "I'm not sure how to say this, but if you... ever need more, start thinking about cheating--"

"So if I shag another woman, it's cheating, but when you do it, it's different."

"First of all, you wish I would shag another woman."

Sirius laughed. "That's not what I--"

"Second of all, I was just getting to that. While completely functional, my relationship with Evan had the same effect for you as my cheating would have. And I'm not making any promises that there won't be any others later. So I am proposing an open relationship. If there comes a time when I am not enough for you, you have my permission to sleep with other women."

Sirius sat up. "Thanks, but, Vivian, I don't so much want to sleep with other women as I want you to stop sleeping with other men."

Vivian also sat up, not wanting to be on lower ground if there was an argument brewing. "One other man! Don't exaggerate."

"You just said--"

"Anyway, it's okay, but there are some guidelines I'd like you to follow. First and foremost, I want you to tell me beforehand, or I suppose directly afterwards if the situation necessitates immediate action. And I will continue to afford you the same courtesy. Also, I want you to be specific. Which is to say that I want names. And I want to reserve some limited veto rights." Vivian thought for a second, and then nodded her head to signify that she was done.

She could see him fighting not to smirk. "You've put a lot of thought into this."

"No, not at all. In fact, I think it's best if we hammer out the details now before I have too much time to think about this."

"Okay, while I have no intention of following up on this, I agree that it wouldn't hurt to come to an agreement on the terms. In that vein, I'm not sure about these veto rights. I would say that you may have a list of three women who are off limits and that's your limited veto."

"That's only acceptable if I can change the list given situational factors."

Sirius snorted. "Right, so you can knock off someone to put whoever it's going to be on the list. And basically then, every woman is off limits and this is pointless."

Vivian wanted to ask him what made him so sure that she would do that, just because she could. She was sanctioning his affair--an option Evan had not given her--so why would she stop it? She knew why Sirius thought that though. It was because it was probably true. That was the problem with theory. Everything works in theory.

She shook her head. "It has to flexible, but I think I have a solution. I can change the list at will, but once you express interest in a certain woman, vocally, it's too late to put her on the list. However, once you indicate that the relationship has ended or your interest has waned, she is fair game again."

"Wait a minute, does this work vice versa? Do I get to have a list of three guys that you can't sleep with?"

"Uh, yeah, of course. This is all about fairness."

Sirius regarded her cautiously. "Is there any way you can override a veto?"

"No. I can argue my case, but the final decision is yours. And vice versa. Of course, really the final decision belongs to the one having the relationship, but if you or I chose to ignore a veto, that would be grounds for..."

"A breach of contract lawsuit?"

Vivian smacked him with the back of her hand. "Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not making fun of you. I'm just not sure what was wrong with our old system."

"I quote, 'Why does it matter if he's cheating on you? You're cheating on him.' And Evan didn't even know I was cheating with you, so... see the problem? I don't want to be blindsided again. Because it would've hurt a lot more if James had told me you were sleeping with other women. So if you have anything to confess, now's a good time. To keep the legal metaphor, you have full immunity for the next minute. After that, a confession might make me violent."

"Did you get violent with Rosier?" He sounded intrigued.

"I threw some things, but never at him. So, yes and no. Do you have anything to confess?"

He hooked his finger in the strap of her bra. "I do confess that I'm not sure why you're still wearing this."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "I'll take that as a no. So--" Vivian tried to sound conversational. "--do you know who he was with? Like names?"

Sirius continued to play with her bra strap. "They weren't really the kind of women who have names."

She batted his hand away. "What?"

"You know, nameless, faceless women with incredible bodies and loose morals. They don't have enough money or personality to be memorable. Candy, Brandy, Sandy, who can remember? What, what is that look you're giving me?"

Vivian straightened a little. "It was interesting. I didn't realize that... I never thought of it that way. You sound very knowledgeable on the subject."

"That's how someone like Evan or Lucius would see things. It's probably easy to lure a woman into bed when all you have to do is introduce yourself as a Rosier or a Malfoy."

"Or a Black," she observed.

Sirius gave a wolfish grin. "Yeah, it's always worked well for me. But I can assure you that I knew every one of their names at the time."

"But they've started to fade into an amalgamation of 'Andys,' haven't they? I personally remember the first and last name of every man I've slept with. I know their middle names and their parents'--"

"Not to mention their wives' names." he interrupted.

Vivian nodded. "First, last, middle, and maiden. So, how many do you think he was with?"

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"Well, how early do you think it started?"

"You're being obsessive."

"I just want to know."

"Honestly, I think it started with Charissa and I don't think he had any intention of stopping when he came to win you back." He pushed her back into a reclining position and lay beside her on his side. "I don't want to talk about Evan anymore."

"I just--" Without realizing it, she tried to sit up again, but he held her down by her shoulder. "I just have one more question."

Sirius sighed and rolled onto his back. Vivian knew that he was getting frustrated, and she realized that as much as she wanted answers about Evan's cheating, Sirius was not the person to ask. Silence stretched for a few moments before Sirius asked, "What's your question?"

She pushed the real question out of her mind and grabbed a handful of his robe. "Why are you still fully dressed?"

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian knew that December 19^th was late to be doing her Christmas shopping, but she hoped in vain that Hogsmeade wouldn't be too busy. She hadn't meant to put it off until the last minute, but it turned out her friends were impossible to shop for, mainly because they were all much more wealthy than she. She picked through the crowded stores, seeing nothing that looked appropriate for anyone she knew.

She was walking down the main road, when she heard her name called. She turned to find the source, but it was difficult to see due to the lamplight and the swarms of people. By the time she realized that Evan had pushed his way to her, it was too late for her to get away.

Evan's face was flushed from the cold. She was reminded of twittering schoolgirls making jokes about Rosier's cheeks turning rosier in the winter. "Evan, I don't want to talk to you."

He gave no sign that he had heard her. "How have you been? I was worried about you."

"I've been fine. It's amazing how much better life is when no one is cheating on me." She raised her volume on the last few words.

"Vivian, please. We're in public."

"Well, you could have avoided this awkward moment and not flagged me down."

He shook his head slightly as if he were dealing with a petulant child. "I think we should talk. Maybe we'll be able to work this out."

Vivian stood there in shock for several moments. "Work it out? I don't know what you think you can say to make everything better, but I really don't see us working this out."

"Then it can't hurt to hear me out. Merlin, I made a mistake, Vivian! You of all people should understand that."

"Oh, I don't understand at all."

"I took you back when you made a mistake with Lucius."

Vivian made a noise of disbelief. "That is not comparable. And I forgave you for Charissa, so we were even."

"And I believed you when you said you weren't having an affair with Sirius."

"I wasn't! That's the difference. I never cheated on you!" It took a couple seconds for Vivian to realize that was a lie. The words Sirius had said a week before came back to her. "Why does it matter if he's cheating on you?" Vivian mentally ran through her options, vaguely aware that Evan had suggested they continue this conversation at the Hog's Head. When her list of possible contacts began and ended with Evan, as it always did, she reluctantly followed him to the tavern. Evan seemed to take her willingness to talk as a good sign.

The Hog's Head was busy, but by no means packed. It wasn't difficult for them to find a quiet table in the corner. Though the bar was generally frequented by drunks and other unsavory characters, the occasional respectable Death Eater could be found there on most nights. Vivian figured that this was because they recognized their own unsavory practices. She had never felt comfortable there because the stench of alcohol and the slumped figures at the bar reminded her of her father. Vivian turned to Evan. "Go ahead. Say whatever it is that you think will change my mind."

Evan cleared his throat. "There's so much I want to say to you, but I don't know where to start. I love you."

"No, you don't," she said wearily. Evan started to object, but Vivian cut him off. "How many times do we have to do this before you realize that this isn't love?"

He gasped, as though what she had said was shocking. "Don't say that."

"Someone has to. This doesn't work. We're broken and we can't keep trying to force ourselves to be in love."

"I'm not sure... Are you saying that you don't love me?"

Vivian shrugged. "It doesn't feel like love anymore. It feels like a horrible cycle that we need to end. We've broken up three times now. I think that's enough. I think we should take the hint."

"Okay, you're hurt and frustrated." His tone was patronizing again. "I can understand that you're scared, but I do love you."

"Then why did you do it? You don't do that to someone you love. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship."

"Why does a relationship have to be monogamous? Where is it written that sex equals love?"

"I don't know, but I'm sure I can find sources that say love equals not screwing other women."

"I do love you, Vivian, and I want to be with you. I just don't want to be with only you."

She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, that's... romantic."

"Look, I didn't handle the situation the right way. I should have told you. Sex is meaningless. It's just a physical act of gratification. It doesn't equal love at all. What we have is so much more than that. So--"

Vivian started to laugh. "You actually... This is what you wanted to talk about? You thought we could work things out if you explain that I should be okay with your cheating."

"Sort of. If you would just let me--"

"I must say, that is not what I was expecting."

"I think that if you just take the time to consider..." He continued to talk, but Vivian was no longer paying attention to him. Her focus had moved to a fight that was breaking out at the bar. She knew that she should just mind her own business, but they were hard to ignore.

Suddenly, one man stood and roared, "Goddamn it! This is why we shouldn't let filthy Mudbloods in here." Before anyone had time to react a curse was thrown. It went wide of its target, probably because the man was drunk, and blew a hole in the wall.

Evan took Vivian's hand and led her to the back exit, since the front door was blocked. As they struggled to get out, bottles and curses flew, and Vivian still could not take her eyes away from the fight. She did not hear the words of the Killing Curse, but she saw the flash of green light and the Muggleborn fall to the floor.

Vivian tried to pull away from Evan. "I'm a healer. I have to help him!"

Evan continued to drag her away. "He's dead; there's nothing you can do. And any minute now, Aurors are going to show up, because that was an illegal curse. We have to get out of here."

Once they were outside, Vivian fell to her knees in the snow and began to retch. She had never seen anyone die before. The only medical training she had received was at Hogwarts. She had never even seen anyone who was on the verge of death, or all that seriously injured for that matter. Even though she'd been hearing the stories for years, and even though one of her friends, more of an acquaintance really, had died, the war had never felt as real to her as in the moment. She wanted more than anything to run and hide and pretend that none of this was going on. She looked up at Evan and wiped her mouth. But she could not pretend that it didn't happen. She had to keep fighting against this, the only way she knew how. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Evan crouched down to her level. "For what?"

She smiled weakly as tears started to stream down her face. "I don't know. I'm sorry for all of it. For this whole night."

"Maybe--" He looked hopeful. "--we could continue our conversation back at my flat." He stood and offered his hand to her.

She let him help her to her feet. "I don't... I can't..." The words stuck in her throat. She coughed thickly.

"Shh." He pulled her close and laid her head on his shoulder.

She looked up into his brown eyes. "I want to go back to your place, but I don't much feel like talking."

They broke apart in order to enable Apparation. Vivian reached out and grabbed Evan's arm. "Wait. Is that... How many people have you seen die like that?"

Evan hesitated. "Just from the Killing Curse?"

She shook her head. "How many people have you killed?"

"That's a bit complicated, too. Do you mean directly or total?"

She felt her jaw set. The tears had stopped and the nausea had passed. All she was left with was grim determination. "Both."

"Five. And I have no way of knowing."

She spoke slowly and deliberately. "If it were me, I would keep track."

Evan gently pulled his arm out of her grasp. He placed his hands on her shoulders. "Vivian, I've done things that needed to be done to protect people like us. It might seem morally questionable to you, but these are desperate times."

Vivian nodded. She could definitely understand what he was saying. She needed to get over her own insecurities. It did not matter if Evan was cheating on her. She just needed to figure out how to explain her sudden change of heart to him.

For the first time in a long time, Vivian was clear about what she had to do. There was no more confusion clouding her brain. She was going to bleed Evan dry of information and then have him sent to prison. These people were not her friends; they were not her loved ones. She wasn't betraying them because she owed them nothing. She met Evan's eyes again. "Take me home with you."