Between Love and War

When she was alone with Sirius in his house, Vivian could almost pretend that none of the drama of the outside world existed. So she always found it frustrating when that real world insisted on disturbing them. This time they were lying on the couch, not talking, not doing much of anything, when the fire in his hearth went green. There was not time for Vivian to do much more than stand before a figure stepped out of the fireplace.

It took her several seconds to appreciate that the man--barely more than a boy really--standing in front of her was Regulus Black. Regulus looked from her to his brother and apparently decided to ignore her presence. "Mother didn't want me to come here, but I thought you should know."

"Why aren't you in school?" asked Sirius.

"It's Father; he's not..." Regulus looked unsure how to finish that sentence.

"He's not what, Regulus?"

Regulus blinked hard. "He's not... Er, he's not alive anymore, I guess. And I know that was a terrible way to put it." He gestured as though he could not get the words out. Finally, he said, "Father died yesterday, Sirius, and Mum didn't want me to tell you because you're not part of this family anymore. But I think... I don't think of you that way. You could be part of this family again."

Sirius shook his head. "Regulus..."

"If you said you were sorry. We're your family; what's more important than that?"

"I'm not sorry."

Regulus turned to Vivian. "Tell him."

Vivian was at a loss for words. What was she supposed to say? Who was she supposed to be in front of Regulus? Should she talk about the money, the cause, what? "Sirius, he's right. You're the one who turned your back on your family, not the other way around. If you--"

"Shut up, Vivian," Sirius said without even looking at her. His eyes stayed trained on his brother. "Do not make the mistake of thinking that just because I'm sleeping with her, her opinion matters at all to me."

Regulus shrugged. "You always did have a way with women. The funeral is tomorrow, and if you're not there, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Sleep on that."

Sirius was lost in thought, so Vivian looked back to Regulus. "I'm really sorry to hear about your father. You have my deepest sympathy."

"Thank you,... I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

She hesitated. "I don't want to say."

Regulus smiled weakly. "I don't blame you. Well, I've said what I came to say, so I'll go. But, Sirius, I hope I'll see you at the funeral." With that, he was gone.

Vivian sat back on the couch and waited for Sirius to say or do something. He stood in place with the same pensive expression on his face for a long time. "Did he even say how it happened?" he said finally.

"Er, no."

Sirius looked at Vivian with surprise, as though he had forgotten she was there. "I'm sorry for telling you to shut up. I didn't mean what I said then."

"I know."

Sirius walked aimlessly toward his bedroom then walked back. "My father was always pressuring me to be what he wanted me to be."

"That's what parents do." Vivian wanted to hit herself. That could not have been at all helpful.

"But my parents... They're bigoted and... and they refused to love me if I wouldn't be what they wanted. You were wrong. They really turned their backs on me first. All I did was rebel. It was literally their way or I wasn't part of the family anymore. That's not what parents do."

"But if you look at it from Regulus' point of view..." Why was still playing the devil's advocate?

"Reg... I can't go to the funeral. It would just cause a scene. I'm not going to regret it."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah. I'm out of the family and that's final." Something in his eyes told Vivian that the decision really was final.

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian had never felt more frustrated. It had been over two months since Evan had broken up with her and she'd been completely cut off from information. No longer did she have a lover telling her that no, he wouldn't be available on Tuesday; there was a raid. She had forgotten what it was like before she started sleeping with Lucius, before the information had become so easy to obtain.

She sat in Bellatrix's living room, having tea and making small talk. Though Narcissa had never blamed Vivian for the miscarriage, Bellatrix had. Vivian knew the only reason she had been invited over was because Narcissa had asked her sister to try to be nicer to Vivian. So, she really had no expectation that she would get any information from Bellatrix. And yet, when the conversation turned to the cause and Bellatrix made it clear that she wasn't saying a word, Vivian started to feel very frustrated.

"You know, Vivian, I thought the reason you didn't join up was because of Lucius. Now you have no boyfriend, nothing keeping you from taking the Dark Mark." Bellatrix's tone was haughty and critical.

Vivian sat up straighter. "What are you trying to say? I already told you that--"

"Right, you're a healer, saving lives and so on. It has always been so difficult to recruit healers."

"Yes, well I imagine that the kind of people who go into that line of work are not the same who are likely to become terrorists." As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Vivian wished she could take it back. For a split second she thought about apologizing but quickly dismissed that idea. It might get her killed, but she wasn't going to show any weakness to Bellatrix.

Bellatrix looked livid. "We are not terrorists."

Vivian told herself to push through the fear. "Yes, you are," she said, as calmly as she could manage. "But why does that have to be a negative thing? If you don't have a problem with killing and torturing people, why do you have a problem with the word?"

"We are--"

"No." Vivian held up a hand and smiled. "I don't need to hear all the euphemisms."

Bellatrix's face contorted into a scary sort of smile. "I see your point. It's like if you're okay with the fact that you sleep with married men, then why not proudly admit that you're a slut. It's just a word."

"There was only one married man. That doesn't make me a--"

"There are also one-night stands with random cousins."

Vivian rolled her eyes. "They are your cousins, not mine. You're making it sound like... well, like I shagged my cousin. And again you're being slightly inaccurate. There was one one-night stand."

"And those are only--"

"Look, I'm sorry I called you a terrorist." Vivian stood. "I'm going to go now. And don't worry; I'll tell Narcissa you tried."

~*~*~*~*~

The next day at work, Vivian reflected on her dilemma. She couldn't continue like this, being completely useless to the Order. She was reminded of this when Benjy, who rarely initiated conversations, said, "You've been quiet recently."

Vivian sighed and said, "Yes, I have. I'm sorry; I just... I've got nothing for you."

He nodded. "That's all right, dear. You just bide your time. Let the information come to you."

She wanted to ask him, "From where?" but she just gave a tight smile and went back to work.

The thing was Bellatrix was right; she had no ties to the Dark Lord, and she hadn't proved herself to be very loyal to the cause. Without someone like Lucius or Evan, she had no chance of obtaining valuable plans and figures. There was only one person she could turn to, and though she didn't feel right about using him, this was for the greater good.

Severus hadn't talked to Vivian for roughly six months, ever since the night she slept with Sirius. That seemed a little ridiculous to her since she hadn't even really slept with him. It was long past time that she reached out to her brother and it bothered her that she was only willing to do it now when she needed something from him. She decided to go to his place that evening after work.

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian stood outside Severus's door and waited for an answer, but it didn't come. "Severus, I can hear you in there avoiding me." Actually, she didn't hear a thing, but her bluff was rewarded when her brother opened the door.

"How could you have possibly--"

Vivian pushed past him. "Woman's intuition." She looked around his modest house. "I like what you've done with the place."

Severus closed the door and smiled. "No, you think it's dreary and it reminds you too much of our parents' house."

That was exactly what she had been thinking. "I'm sorry, what? How do you-- Oh, I see you've gotten better at Legilimency."

Severus sat on the worn couch. "It's only one of the talents the Dark Lord has helped me cultivate."

"That's... That's wonderful. Please get out of my head."

He shook his head slightly. "Sit down, Vivian."

She responded in a low, controlled tone. "Get out of my head, Severus."

"Why? What don't you want me to see?"

Vivian tilted her head to the side and concentrated on first sexual memory of Evan that came to her mind.

"Vivian! That was disgusting."

She sat in an armchair that seemed to be in slightly better condition than the couch. "That is only one of the many reasons not to read my mind. Why haven't you talked to me in months? I didn't even think things ended that badly that night."

Severus smiled wryly. "That's because you don't know where that night ended for me."

"I don't even know what you mean by that."

"I stayed for a few minutes outside your flat after you kicked me out. And I overheard a fascinating conversation."

Vivian's chest felt tight. "I checked. You weren't there."

He smirked. "You opened the door, but you didn't really look around. I was walking down the hall and I thought you were looking for me because you wanted to say something to me. Imagine my surprise to hear Sirius Black ask you if I was a Death Eater."

"I--I told him no."

"I know."

This was all too much for Vivian. "So I lied about him still being there, but I still don't understand what upset you so much. What did you hear that made you stay away?"

"You must have had quite a heart-to-heart with him because he knew all about your real parents and all about our dad. I left when he was expounding on how much he wanted to have sex with you. I didn't really want to know where that was leading. It wasn't so much a horrible, impulsive mistake, was it?"

"You don't understand how attractive he is," Vivian began slowly. "Yes, I wanted to sleep with him. Okay, so it wasn't a mistake and I don't really regret it."

"If you wanted to sleep with him, you would have. You were fighting him on it."

"Then what do you think was happening there?"

"Right, because you don't want to give anything away. We're only going to work off the information I already have." Severus stood and crossed the room to stand in front of Vivian. "How did you know that Lupin was a werewolf?"

Vivian shifted uncomfortably. "I already told you."

"Yes, what did you tell me?" Vivian closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. "It shouldn't be that hard to remember the truth, Vivian."

"Sirius mentioned a werewolf and I figured it out from there."

"Why would he just volunteer that kind of information?"

She looked over at his bookshelf. "I don't remember. It was a long time ago."

"Look at me."

"Why? So you can probe my mind?"

Severus grabbed her jaw and turned her head sharply to face him once again. "I think you lied about more than whether he was there or not. I think you were having a love affair with a sworn enemy. Maybe you still are; I've heard rumors."

Vivian was silent for several seconds. She could feel Severus glowering over her. "It wasn't an affair. But it wasn't exactly what I made it out to be either. I slept with him a few times. It was... harmless. And those rumors are false. I never went to his house."

Severus pulled her roughly to her feet. "I don't believe you. When he asked about me, you said, 'not yet, thankfully.' Thankfully. I need to know, are you a blood traitor, Vivian?"

"No!"

He put his hands on her shoulders and shook her harshly. "Stop lying to me!"

Vivian pushed her brother away with all the strength she could muster. He fell to the floor. "Don't..." She realized she was still shaking. "I can't believe you just did that," she whispered. "I can't believe that just happened to me."

Severus stood. "I didn't mean to." He started toward her.

She moved behind the chair. "Don't come near me. Don't... Don't touch me. You want to hear about Sirius? When I first started talking to him, back in school, I told myself that he'd be abusive. Because of what he did to you, I told myself it wasn't safe to be near him. Because of you. But I got to know him, and he would never raise a hand to me. Neither would Evan. No, it turns out the only person I should have been worried about was my own brother."

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I knew that you--"

"Of course you knew! You did it on purpose, didn't you? Weren't you trying to scare me into admitting that I am nothing but a dirty, blood traitor whore? I killed it. I know."

Severus shook his head, confused. "Killed what?"

"Our relationship. I have no right to call myself your sister. Because I don't see things as black and white as you do. Because I was actually attracted to someone whose views are fundamentally different from mine. Because I slept with someone you hate. Because I was willing to lie to him in order to get what I wanted from him. Because I lied to protect you. I am not a traitor."

"Vivian, I wasn't trying to--"

All this stuff about how he did not mean it was a lie, and Vivian was not going to let him get away with it. "What about Evan? Why would I get involved with him if I was a blood traitor? I had a fling, and you think that justifies roughing me up a bit!"

"It's not just the fling. It's that it was with Sirius Black."

"Why do you hate him?"

"He tried to kill me!"

Vivian rested her hands on the back of the chair. "I always thought you were weak. I thought you were caught in a cycle of victimization. But you never needed me to protect you, did you? I still think of you as a little boy who needs his big sister. It's funny, I lived with you for months and I never saw how you'd changed."

"Vivian, I--"

"No." She waved her hands wildly. "No, you're a man now, Severus. I see that. And I think I was just surprised to find out what kind of man you became." She turned and walked toward the door.

"I'm not like Dad," he called after her, a note of desperation in his voice.

Vivian turned around slowly. "I didn't say you were. You are nothing like him. You're sober, cold, calculating. You didn't make a mistake and you aren't going to break down and beg me to stay. And that's okay, because I'm not like Mum, and nothing you say will stop me from leaving."

~*~*~*~*~

When she got home that night, Vivian firecalled Sirius and asked him to come over. She needed to tell him a selective version of her conversation with her brother and she needed to lean on him.

She was sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands when she heard rather than saw Sirius's arrival, and without turning around she said, "I spoke to my brother and I don't think reconciliation is going to be possible."

Sirius came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. "What did he say?"

"He overheard part of our conversation that night. I mean the night we... You know, the night."

"Yes, I remember the night you're referring to."

Vivian turned around, frantic. "Yes, you remember. You always remember. What did we say? What exactly did he overhear?"

"Oh, Vivian, I don't know exactly. You... You attacked me. You wanted to know my ulterior motive for wanting to sleep with you."

"But did you mention the Order at any point? Or that I joined? I don't know if he knows. He seemed certain that I was a blood traitor. And though the evidence he presented was weak, it didn't occur to me at the time that maybe he had something bigger he was waiting to spring on me."

Sirius shook his head. "There's just no way I could remember the exact words we said."

"That's what you do! You repeat my exact words back to me and drive me crazy."

"Vivian--"

Vivian heard something, a faint popping. She shook her head. "Shh." There was a knock on the door.

"Go. Hide," she mouthed. Sirius quickly went into her bedroom, as Vivian attempted to pull herself together. She opened the door to find the last person she expected.

"Hello, Vivian." Evan strode into the flat.

"Evan, what..."

He turned to face her and concern washed across his face. "Oh, Vivian, what's wrong? You've been crying." He took her shoulders and steered her to the couch.

Vivian was so confused that she allowed him to force her into a seated position. "No, I... I haven't."

Evan sat next to her. "Yes, and you can talk to me about this. Whatever is wrong, I am here to help."

Vivian narrowed her eyes. "Did you talk to Severus?"

"He might have mentioned that--"

She jumped up. "Is that why you're acting weird? I don't know what he told you, but I haven't been crying and I'm fine."

"He just said that you might need someone to talk to."

"So why would he send you? You're the last person I'd want to see if I was upset! You dumped me for another woman!"

"Charissa and I are no longer together," he said quietly.

This took Vivian by surprise. "Well,... er... that's really not the point, is it? You dumped me. I don't..."

Evan smiled. "Vivian..."

"What?"

He stood and walked over to her. "Charissa is an idiot."

Vivian shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, I know."

Evan's smile grew. "Having a relationship built on sex didn't work out for me. There's a reason you were the only real girlfriend I've ever had. You were the only one worth dating. There has to be more to a relationship."

"Like?"

"Like someone who makes me laugh, and not with pity. Someone who can hold a conversation."

Despite herself, Vivian's lips curled into a smile. "I guess she wasn't pretty enough to make up for how dull she is."

"She was at first. I just didn't know what I really wanted. Charissa may be prettier and better in--" Evan cut off and cleared his throat. "But you were actually an ideal girlfriend."

"I don't want you back, Evan. Regardless of how good I was, you didn't turn out to be such a great boyfriend."

Evan wrapped his arms around her waist. "Vivian, what made you leave me for Lucius?"

Vivian shifted a little but didn't pull away. "I see your point, but you can't expect me to take you back based solely on reciprocity."

He tightened his hold on her. "I don't. I expect you to take me back based on the fact that you are madly in love with me." Evan started to kiss her neck and Vivian looked up at the ceiling. She could think of many reasons to take him back, but she forced herself to only consider the relevant ones. After all, she couldn't tell Sirius that she had gotten back together with her ex-boyfriend because he could do amazing things with his mouth, and indeed that wouldn't be the reason. Her experience with Bellatrix the day before had shown Vivian that her current plan wasn't working. Maybe it was time for her to face that her particular talent was for getting information from lovers. Maybe sex truly was the strongest weapon in her arsenal. Sirius should understand her motivation. This was his fight long before it was hers. He should understand, but Vivian wasn't so sure he would. All at once, she remembered that Sirius was actually in the next room.

"You said I wasn't attractive enough."

Evan pulled his lips away from her neck. "What?"

She took a step back. "You said that I wasn't as attractive or as good in bed as Charissa."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did! It was just a minute ago."

"All I was trying to say then was that a year ago, someone like Charissa would have been my perfect woman, but after dating you, I see that there are more important things than attractiveness. And I'm now willing to make a sacrifice on--" He didn't finish his thought.

"That's not better! Maybe if you look a little more, you'll find someone who meets your attractiveness criterion as well the personality one."

"I don't want someone attractive; I want--Okay, you set me up for that. I don't want someone more attractive than you because you are..." He trailed off in frustration.

"Good enough?" she suggested.

"I think you're very attractive, Vivian! What's wrong with being good enough? I mean that would imply that you are... good enough."

"I don't... I still... I'm not sure that I'm still in love with you." She took his arm and guided him to the door. "I need time to think about this."

Evan opened the door. "That's fine. I know you'll make the right choice." He kissed her deeply and left. Vivian was still struggling to catch her breath when Sirius came out of the bedroom. She was pleased to see that he looked amused.

"My favorite part--" he began "--was when he said he didn't want someone attractive. He wants you."

She leaned against the door. "I'm glad you find this so funny."

Sirius looked down for a moment, and when he looked up the smile was gone. "You going to do it, aren't you?"

Vivian's throat got tight. "I think so. You don't know what it's been like the last few months."

"I thought... What has it been like, exactly?"

Vivian shrugged. "I've been completely cut off. I can't get any information from anyone. I don't like feeling so... useless."

Sirius sighed, sounding relieved. "Oh, that. I can understand that, but you have other options."

She shook her head. "Those other options aren't for me. I'm good at this. It comes naturally to me, and it gets easier every day. I wouldn't be any good to you if I was exploring other options."

Sirius sat on the couch. "I think we need to talk about your problem differentiating between--"

She pushed herself away from the door. "I don't have a problem."

"That's what you always say, but if you want me to accept that you're sleeping with another man, we need to talk about it."

Vivian wanted more than anything to avoid this conversation. She stared straight ahead, not making eye contact, as she said, "What's to talk about? I've been sleeping with Evan since May. How is anything different now?"

He pretended to think about it for a moment. "Well, for one thing, we're sleeping together now."

Vivian turned her head sharply to face Sirius. "But we were involved then. Why should it make a difference whether or not we were having sex? In fact, this should solve all the problems we had before. Your girlfriend was sleeping with Evan and not with you? Not anymore! So we're good, right?"

"I know what you're trying to get me to say. And it won't work because you're in the wrong and I won't let it be turned around on me."

"I'm in the wrong? You think our relationship is only valid now that we're having sex, and you're letting your own personal insecurities interfere with Order business."

"I'm not insecure," Sirius mumbled defensively.

Vivian rubbed her temples. "I'm sorry I snapped at you. No one's in the wrong really." She crossed the room and sat next to him on the couch. "Here's the thing, Sirius, you haven't actually told me not to do this. Unless you take a stand, there's really no debate here."

"So the only way you won't go back to him is if I give you an ultimatum?"

Vivian bit her lip. She knew he wasn't going to like what she was about to say. "An ultimatum is the only way I'll consider not going back."

"And, uh, just out of curiosity, if I were handing out ultimatums, what would you decide?"

Vivian stayed silent. It wasn't that she was unwilling to tell him the answer to his question; it was that she honestly didn't know what she would do under those circumstances. Sirius smiled wryly and said, "That's all I needed to know."

Vivian wanted to explain. "There are just so many factors to consider. It's not really a split-second--"

Sirius held up his hand and cleared his throat. "Okay. We'll just deal with this as the problems come along. Although," he said as he tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, "I've already found one problem."

"What's that?" Vivian's voice caught in her throat and came out breathy.

"Rosier was the last person to kiss you."

~*~*~*~*~

That night, lying in Sirius's arms, Vivian had an epiphany of sorts. One minute she was thanking whatever benevolent forces had allowed her to diffuse the situation and hold on to Sirius and the next she was wondering how she had held onto him. Why hadn't he left for greener pastures and less complicated women by now? That's when it hit her that, although he had never said the words and others had, Sirius loved her, and that he loved her more deeply than any man ever had. In that moment it also hit her how absolutely terrifying that was and that she simply wasn't ready to be loved like that.