Between Love and War

Chapter 10

August 1979

Since the miscarriage, Vivian had been a frequent visitor to Malfoy Manor. She and Narcissa seemed to have honestly patched up their friendship and it was as if those months of unpleasantness had never happened. Talking with Narccisa now in her sitting room, Vivian was pleased to see that her friend appeared almost happy.

Out of nowhere, Narcissa asked, "You never told Lucius all those things I said about him, did you?"

"What things?"

Narcissa shifted awkwardly and looked away. "Er, the 'better you than me' comment, for example."

"No, I don't think that ever came up."

"Oh, good."

They sat there in silence for a minute. Finally, Vivian broke the peace. "Why do you ask?"

"I just think that maybe it would actually be better if he only had sex with me from now on."

"You actually implied back then that you weren't very fond of that particular wifely duty."

Narcissa's cheeks tinged with pink. Vivian had never seen her like that before. Narcissa was not the kind of woman who blushed. "Yes, well, maybe I wasn't approaching it in the right frame of mind. No, actually I don't think it was all me. I mean, okay, maybe I was frigid, but I feel like he approached as a chore, a necessary undertaking in order to produce an heir. Especially after he started sha... having an affair."

"And now that's all changed?"

"Yes. It happened so suddenly too. I reach out for him one night and it was so different. Nicer. Did you know that sex can be very comforting?"

Vivian's mind involuntarily drifted to Sirius. "Actually, I can see how it would be."

"It's different now. He's doing it differently. It's just more intimate. When I'm with him now I feel so safe and protected, like he'll never let anything hurt me again. He takes away all the pain, just for that little while. And he has this habit of falling asleep holding my hand. Did he... ever do anything like that with you?"

He had, but Vivian was so moved by the brightness in Narcissa's eyes that she decided to lie. "No."

"Oh, but still I can see why you fell in love with him. Is this a weird conversation to be having?"

Vivian shrugged. "Not if we don't let it be. I'm not still in love with your husband. We've worked through that whole... I think that if you're not uncomfortable with it, it's fine."

"Do you think Lucius fancies me?"

Vivian started to laugh. "I don't know. Why don't you pass him a note in Charms and ask him?"

"I'm serious. Do you think... Do you think he could fall in love with me?"

Vivian sobered. "Yes, I think he could," she said in all honesty.

"Oh." Narcissa smiled and her expression got dreamy.

"You have a crush on your own husband, don't you?"

She scoffed. "Vivian,... Yeah, I think I do. Wouldn't it be romantic if we fell in love? A child bride plucked from her family, forced to marry a much older man. It's like a romance novel."

"But you weren't a child bride."

"Eighteen is young. How about 'a young virgin?'"

Vivian started to laugh again. After a few seconds, Narcissa joined in. It wasn't long until Lucius poked his head through the door. "What are you two talking about?"

"Romance novels," replied Narcissa, making Vivian laugh harder. She looked up at Lucius and saw something in his eyes that told her that he was already falling in love with his wife.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Vivian wondered where Sirius was. She had sent the letter giving him the all clear nearly an hour before. She tapped her foot impatiently and gazed out the window. It seemed to her that if he was going to be late, he could at least have the courtesy to send a note. Suddenly a loud pop startled her and she lost her balance. She felt Sirius lift her to her feet. Embarrassed, she took a deep breath and summoned all her indignation, before whirling around. "What took you so long?"

"I was with James and it took a while to wrap up the conversation."

"So I rank below James on your list of priorities. Good to know."

"Well, it's not so much... Yeah, you really do."

Vivian sighed. "I can live with that."

"So," started Sirius, eyes shining. "Why were you so anxious? Is tonight the night?"

"I don't know," Vivian said coyly. "We'll see how it goes."

"I'll take that as a no." He sat on the couch. "By the way, Remus is getting worried that he hasn't heard from you in months."

"I don't have anything to tell him. The research is going excruciatingly slow. Although you didn't hear any of that from me because we're not seeing each other."

"Right."

Vivian sat next to him on the couch. "Don't you ever get tired of staying in all the time? I wish we could go out."

"Are you saying I bore you? Because I know something we can do."

Vivian leaned in to kiss him, and she was really enjoying it until he snaked his hands under her robes. She loved snogging Sirius, so why did she always feel uncomfortable when he tried to take it further? They'd been together for two months. Why wasn't she ready? She pulled away.

Sirius swore under his breath. "Vivian,... I mean it's fine if you're not ready; I'm not trying to... Are you sure that you're not mistaking friendship for something more?"

Vivian pretended to think about it for a few seconds. "I think I am. Let's just be friends." She laughed. "Why would anyone want to sleep with you anyway?"

"I can't tell if you're being serious."

"I'm not. I'm just not ready yet."

"Okay, and that's fine. It's just... didn't this start with a sexual emphasis?"

Vivian tried to come up with a response to that. He was right, after all. The answer came to her with a gasp. "Oh, Merlin, I am screwed up about sex." She stood up. "It feels weird with you."

"That's why I asked if you were sure--"

"I am sure though." She made an emphatic hand motion. "That's just the thing. I'm sure that I want to have sex with you; so why does this have to be so complicated?"

Sirius looked like he wanted to say something, but didn't say a word. Vivian knew what he was thinking anyway. It shouldn't be complicated. It should be the most natural thing in the world.

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian let herself into Evan's flat. She saw that he was reading a letter and he seemed distraught about something. She closed the door a bit loudly to get his attention.

At the sudden noise, Evan head shot up. "Oh, Vivian, I forgot you coming over. I actually need to go see Rookwood, but... you can come too, if you want."

Vivian shrugged. "Do you want me to?"

"Yeah, it'll only take a few minutes and then we'll go out afterwards. I'll meet you there." He disapparated.

Vivian was surprised for a second. She wasn't even sure if she knew where Rookwood lived. She decided that whatever had Evan so distracted was worth knowing. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and disapparated. When she opened her eyes, she was pleased to see Evan starting up the steps to Rookwood's house. She quickly caught up with him.

A house elf answered the door and wordlessly escorted them to the living room. Rookwood was sitting there with a pretty young woman.

When he saw them enter, Rookwood stood. "Ah, Evan, Miss Snape, it's a pleasure to see you both. You remember my daughter, Charissa. She just finished her last year at Hogwarts."

"Yes, of course," Evan responded. "You've certainly grown up a lot in the last two years, Charissa." Charissa blushed. Vivian rolled her eyes.

"Well, Evan and I have some business to discuss in my study," said Rookwood. "We'll leave you two here to engage in feminine chitchat."

Vivian smiled artificially and sat in a chair opposite Charissa. She tried to remember something about Charissa that she could use as a conversational starting point, but nothing came to mind. Finally, Charissa spoke. "I didn't know that Daddy and Evan were in business together. Does he come over here often?"

Vivian started to say something about their "business," but instead she just said, "Not that I know of."

"I used to fancy him like mad when we were in school together."

Vivian stared at the girl across from her in disbelief. "Yes, well, who didn't? So, are you seeing anyone now?"

"No." Charissa looked over at the wall and an awkward silence hung between them. Vivian wondered if it would be rude to just ask Charissa if she realized that Evan was taken. It may have never occurred to her, as Evan had never been the one-woman type before. In fact, it struck Vivian that he'd only been in two actual relationships and they were both with her. She started to reflect on how amazing it was that she had managed to hold onto Evan this long when Charissa spoke again.

"I don't mean to be rude, but are you his latest... er,... what's the word?"

"Girlfriend?"

Charissa looked down and Vivian got the distinct impression that she really hadn't meant to be rude. "Right. I just wasn't sure if that was the right word."

"It is."

Charissa's eyes grew wide. "Wow. What's that like? I can't imagine what it would be like to be with someone like Evan. He has quite a reputation, you know."

Vivian wanted to ask what exactly she had meant by that, but at that moment, the men entered the room again. She saw the way Charissa looked up at Evan and realized that she still hadn't made it clear that Evan was unavailable. It almost made her gag to realize that Charissa, who seemed very young and naïve was fantasizing about becoming Evan's latest conquest. She thought back to her conversation with Narcissa and the strange things that women consider romantic when they are young. Vivian tried to stand, hoping they could leave then, but Evan put his hand on her shoulder and pushed her back into her chair. She was annoyed when Evan struck up a conversation with Charissa. She was even more annoyed to see a flicker of lust in his eye. As the conversation progressed beyond the point of polite small talk, she turned her gaze back to the blushing little twit in front of her. She really was very beautiful.

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian was not exactly surprised by Evan's announcement. She had seen it coming that first day, hadn't she? And every time he had "needed" to see Rookwood again, she had known why. For two weeks, she'd been waiting to hear some variation of: "I'm sorry, Vivian, but I can't deny anymore that there's someone else." So, if she wasn't surprised, then why was she screaming at him? Why did she even care that he was leaving her for some bimbo he just met? She stopped yelling and took a deep breath. "Fine."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't care if you leave me. It doesn't matter. I'll move on and you'll be stuck with that idiot who can't even figure out what "business" you and her father have. It's your loss."

"Now don't insult her. It's not Charissa's fault."

"I know. She's not smart enough to pull off stealing someone's boyfriend."

"Vivian, what we had was special, but it's run its course." He was still trying to calm her down, not realizing that she already was.

"Please spare me the platitudes. We never worked together. We were always searching the horizon for something better. This time you found it. It's fine; I don't care. I'm leaving."

Evan called after her to stop, but she didn't listen. "Oh, okay. I guess I'll see you around then," he said awkwardly.

Vivian apparated straight from the hallway outside Evan's flat to Sirius's house. She knew she was taking a risk, showing up there unannounced. She was pleased to see that Sirius was alone in his living room.

"Vivian, what--"

"I'm ready."

"Excuse me?"

"Take me now. I'm ready."

"Vivian, you don't quite sound like yourself."

She quickly crossed the room and straddled him. "I want to have sex with you tonight. Now, before... I want to move on first. Of course that's assuming that they haven't already..."

Sirius lifted her off him and placed her next to him on the couch. "You're not making any sense."

"Evan broke up with me tonight. He left me for Charissa Rookwood."

Sirius unconsciously smiled. "Oh, Charissa! She was--"

"Don't finish that sentence. I don't want to know what she was. She's a horrible, insipid cow who stole my boyfriend."

"So, you want to sleep with me to get back at him?"

Vivian hesitated. "No, I don't care about Evan and his little bimbo."

"You care enough to keep blaming Charissa, the cow rather than blame the guy who dumped you."

"Oh." He had a point there. "It's not Charissa's fault. I know that she thought I was just the latest in a long string of women."

"Technically, you were."

"No, I was the only woman to tie him down in a relationship." Vivian knew she sounded defensive, and she tried to correct that. "But Charissa didn't know that. Even if she did pursue him, she didn't know what she was destroying. I actually feel sorry for her. She's romanticized the idea of being used for sex. It's really quite pathetic."

"Maybe that what he likes about her."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Maybe he's attracted to her wide-eyed romanticism."

Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, so it was my fault. I was too much with the cynicism and too lacking with the fawning adoration." Too defensive.

"You are taking this break-up far too personally."

She chose her words carefully. "It is personal. He chose her over me."

"I'd choose you every time."

"Really?" Vivian pulled her legs under her. "So what was Charissa? What were you going to say?"

"I was going to say that I remember her as an insipid bimbo."

Vivian smiled and shook her head. "No, you weren't."

"Well, she is the fawning type." She did not like the way he said that at all. "What did you mean by..."

"By what?"

"You said she didn't know what she was destroying. You're upset because you lost a contact, right?"

"A contact? I lost a... a contact. You're right."

"You've been doing that a lot recently."

Vivian played dumb. "What?"

"Forgetting about the Order. Ever since the miscarriage you've had episodes like these."

"I didn't forget," she said quietly.

"I'm worried about you. Maybe the pressure is--"

"No! I'm fine. I was just upset that he chose another woman over me. That hurts, regardless of how invested you are in the relationship. I was focusing on that and not on the Order, but I didn't forget. I never forget the Order."

"What about the day Narcissa miscarried?"

"Okay, I don't think of them as contacts anymore. I think of Narcissa as my friend and Evan as my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend. It's just easier that way, but the Order is always in the back of my mind. I'm not cracking underneath the pressure." She was still being defensive, just about something else this time.

"Okay, I'm... I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

"The break-up?"

"Yes. Do you want to tell me what Charissa is destroying?"

"No, I actually want to hear what you were really going to say about her."

"She's a nice girl."

"You mean she's pretty enough to make up for how dull she is. Go on. How well do you know Charissa?"

"Not that well, she was a year behind me and in a different house. I remember that when she was younger, she was tall, skinny, and awkward. Then, at some point, she blossomed. It seemed to happen overnight. I never really paid attention to her, but I overheard some Slytherins talking about her. Actually I don't know if she was nice or dull. I never talked to her."

"Were you ever interested in her?"

"Well, I was with Dorcas at that point, but I could have been tempted."

That actually stung Vivian. "You weren't tempted by me."

Sirius smiled. "Oh, Vivian, don't pout."

"I'm not pouting," she said. Then, realizing that she was in fact pouting, she tried to subtly suck in her bottom lip. "Oh, and you don't have to be so happy that I'm jealous of your attraction to her."

"I was a little concerned about your feelings for Evan. It's nice to be reassured that you get jealous because of me too."

"So everyone is jealous here. That's... I don't even know what to say about that."

"Are you still ready?"

She hesitated. "I don't just want to sleep with you to get back at Evan, you know. But I think you should know that the reason I wasn't ready before had a lot to do with him. My feelings for him were complicating things, which is ironic if you think about it."

"So you have feelings for him?"

"That doesn't mean the pressure's getting to me."

"I didn't say that. Don't be so defensive."

"I'm really trying not to be. Although I guess you might have a point about that. I'm starting to feel a dichotomy. It's like I have two separate lives and when I'm in that other life..." Vivian did not want to admit this. "...sometimes I do forget this life. And it did start that day at Malfoy Manor. But I think it's good. I don't think it's interfering with my ability to gather information. It helps actually. You were right though, about all of it. Now that I've wound down from my other life and I'm actually seeing what's in front of me in the right context, I am ready."

"So, you don't hate Evan anymore?"

"No, right now I do."

"Because he dumped you, but you don't hate him the way--"

Vivian did not like where this was going. "I do," she said firmly. "I can't explain it, but I do hate him the way I always have."

Sirius sighed. "In this life. But when you were with him, you didn't hate him?"

"This is going to be a problem, isn't it?"

"I think I had a very philosophical approach to you sleeping with another man for information. But now you're saying that it wasn't just that."

"Well,... It was... It's complicated."

"Yeah, my girlfriend is having sex with Rosier and not with me." Vivian smiled. "Why are you smiling?"

"That was the first time you ever called me your girlfriend."

"Ah. That doesn't really change the situation."

"Sirius, I'm not sleeping with Evan anymore. And I want to be sleeping with you. That changes the situation completely around." Sirius didn't say anything. "We're never really in sync on this, are we? If I'd been ready last time, we wouldn't even be having this conversation."

"You weren't ready last time because you didn't want to cheat on Rosier. That's what you just said."

"I said... You don't understand the dichotomy. That woman, the one who had feelings for Evan, is not the same one who is sitting in front of you right now. That's a different life."

"You haven't really done a good job of separating the two. In fact, it doesn't seem like a dichotomy; it seems like your other life is bleeding into this one."

"That may be how it seems, but... Are you saying that... Wh--what are you saying exactly?"

"I don't know. I'm just trying to voice my concerns."

"But where do we go from here? Do you want me to leave? Is this insurmountable for you? Are you ending it? I don't really know what's going on."

Sirius grew pensive. Vivian waited for him to respond, but as the minutes ticked by, he remained silent. Finally, after what she figured was about ten minutes, Vivian stood and started toward the door. She wasn't sure why she didn't just apparate, but figured it had something to do with an unconscious desire for a dramatic exit. It worked, too, because as she reached for the doorknob she felt Sirius come up behind her. He placed his left hand on the door to hold it closed. Vivian turned around slowly. "I don't want you to leave," he said.

Vivian leaned back against the door. All she could think was that if he placed his right hand on the other side of her, then he would pin her to the wall for the fourth time. She remembered the third time, all those months ago, when she had figured that the fourth time he pinned her to the wall would be the time they finally have sex. She thought it would be perfect symmetry if it worked out that way.

Sirius didn't place his right hand on the other side of her head. In fact, apparently realizing that he no longer needed to hold her in, he dropped his left arm to his side. Vivian let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. She placed her hand on his chest. "I wish you wouldn't worry about it so much. What matters is that I want you. If... if the other life is bleeding into this one then we'll deal with that later. But right now I still have a grip on the real me."

"The other you is real too. It's just that--"

"Shut up." She reflexively pushed him back with the hand that was still on his chest. "Just stop fighting me on this. I want you, Sirius. Evan is a non-issue, remember?"

"No, Evan was a non-issue."

"Why did you stop me just now? So that we could keep hashing this out over and over again? I can't change what happened, so you need to make a decision. Do you want me to stay or do you want me to go?"

"I want you to stay, but--"

"No, no, there's no 'but.'"

"I just need a little more time to think about it."

"Then I'm leaving. Owl me when you've decided." She turned back to the door.

"No!" His hand shot up to the left of her head again. "I'm afraid that if you leave, that'll be the end. Maybe if I'd just told Dorcas that I didn't want her to leave, I wouldn't have so many regrets. I don't want you to become a missed opportunity."

"So you want me to stand here for an hour while you come to a decision?"

"I've made my decision."

Vivian's heart leapt. If it had been bad news, he would have let her leave. She walked past him and sat on the couch. "Let's hear it."

Sirius walked over to her but remained standing. "I can get past the Evan issue, but I don't want you to... start shagging anyone else. There has to be another way to get information."

Vivian nodded slowly. "Okay. I can work with that. I'm heartbroken. I don't want anyone else. Move on? Oh, of course you would think it's that simple, Lucius." She nodded more fervently. "I can definitely work with this. It'll help soften the slut image too."

"Well, that's a cold, calculated analysis. I like the way you tried it out first."

Vivian grimaced. "Is that off-putting?"

Sirius smiled for what seemed to Vivian like the first time in hours. "No. That's part of your charm."

"So... now what?" Vivian pulled back her shoulders to subtly accentuate her chest.

Sirius sat next to her on the couch and shrugged. "I don't know."

"Do you want to have make-up sex?"

"Why do you always have to label it? Rebound sex, grieving sex, make-up sex..."

"Yeah, I'm not ready anymore."

"What?"

"If you're going to make fun of me, I don't want to have great make-up sex with you anymore." Vivian crossed her arms.

Sirius took her hands in his. "No, no. That's another part of your charm. You're very charming." He leaned in to kiss her.

"But aren't you upset that the reason--"

He put a finger to her lips. "Shh. No, we are finally on the same page here. No more arguing or debating. Tonight is the night."

Vivian scooted back. "Wait, I'm having second thoughts."

"Why?" he asked in a very controlled tone. Vivian appreciated the way he tried to conceal his frustration.

"It's just... It's..."

"I have to be honest; I don't understand your hesitation. This would have happened months ago if Lucius hadn't broken into your flat that night."

"I know, and I was a little relieved when he showed up."

"Again, why?"

She sighed. "It's not that I don't want to be with you, Sirius. It's just... weird."

"Go on."

"It's weird because I've never been in a situation like this. My experiences with sexual relationships aren't exactly conventional. I had a bit of a professional detachment to it all, not unlike a prostitute actually. Remember? In April, I said that if you just told me what your ulterior motive was I'd be more likely to sleep with you. That was familiar territory. This isn't."

"There's really only one way to get past that. In fact, for your psychological health, I think we have to have sex."

Vivian smiled. "And I want to, I really do, but--"

"No, no, there is no 'but.'"

"Right." Vivian cleared her throat. "So, where's the bedroom in this place?"

"Oh, it is right over here." Sirius held out his hand to gesture the way.

Vivian stood and smoothed her robes. "That first door on the left?" Sirius nodded, and Vivian took a deep breath. "Okay, I'm ready." She walked over to the bedroom, not bothering to make sure Sirius was following her. She opened the door to his bedroom and stood in the doorway. She felt Sirius come up behind her. "This is a nice room."

"Thank you. You know, Vivian, if you're not sure about this, it's okay."

Vivian turned around. "No, I am sure now." She pulled him into the bedroom and closed the door.