Between Love and War

Chapter 9

June 1979

Vivian could tell that there was something wrong from the moment Evan opened his door. She waited patiently for him to bring up whatever was bothering him. After about twenty minutes, he finally said, "The Dark Lord's spies say that you've been seen with Sirius Black recently. Do you want to tell me what that's about?"

Vivian's heart skipped a beat. "What spies?"

"He didn't tell me, but you were placed at Sirius's house."

Vivian felt sick. She thought she had been so careful. She had only been to see Sirius twice since that first time. Since she couldn't think of a good excuse on the spot, she decided that if she was about to crash and burn, she might as well test the waters. Maybe it was possible that she had more clout than this spy. "That's absurd. I admit, rather reluctantly, that I slept with him that one night, but I have never been to his house. I don't even know where he lives."

"Vivian..."

"What? It's the truth. Why would someone be spreading rumors about me anyway? I'm not even involved in Death Eater business."

"This isn't an official thing, the Dark Lord just thought I should know that my girlfriend is fraternizing with the enemy."

"Evan, I'm not fraternizing with anyone. I can't believe this. You do trust me, do you?"

"It's not that--"

"No, I get it. It's my fault. I left you because I thought something better had come along. Why should you trust me now? Who knows what I might be angling for? Evan, I'm really sorry about that episode with Lucius, but I promise you, it's not going to happen again. I know what I want. And I know all about shiny packages that measure up to the wrapping paper. I'm not going to get involved with Sirius. Again. Tell me you believe me. I don't want to lose you over someone else's lies."

"It not just a matter--"

"What if it was Lucius? What if he's trying to break us up again? Who else would have a motive to lie about me?"

"Exactly. Who would actually go through the trouble of making this up?"

Evan was trying to be reasonable, but Vivian would have none of that. "Or Narcissa. Maybe it's revenge for having an affair with her husband. Or Bellatrix, she's always been a bit vindictive and unstable. Or... You know who it could be? That one girl with the glasses; rumor has it she's been obsessed with you since your one night stand two years--"

"Okay, let's just forget I said anything."

"No, not until I know that you believe me."

"I believe you."

Vivian knew that he was just saying that, but it would have to do for now. She needed time to think. What worried her most was that a Death Eater spy had felt it important to place her anywhere, let alone at Sirius's house. Why was she being watched? Until she knew the answer, she needed to be much more discreet with Sirius.

~*~*~*~*~

Peter knew that he had let the Dark Lord down. His last round of information had been weak. Pressed for one last thing to reveal, he had told the Dark Lord that Rosier's girlfriend had been seen associating with Sirius. He'd been grasping at straws and it hadn't paid off. Peter had been hoping to cover up his own failure by casting suspicion in Rosier's direction, but the Dark Lord had just said that was a matter for Rosier to deal with, implying that he had no doubt of Rosier's loyalty. Peter resented that. Maybe Rosier was passing information to the Order through his girlfriend. Why wouldn't the Dark Lord at least consider it? No, he told himself, that's not what is happening and you know it. It was much more likely that Rosier's girlfriend was simply cheating on him, and if that was the case, Peter wasn't going to bother cluing him in any further.

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian had thought about it for a long time and decided that the only way to be discreet is to predetermine how, when and where to be discreet. She sat at her kitchen table, trying to figure out a code that would be easy for Sirius to crack but impossible for anyone else to understand. She was startled out of her concentration by a knock on the door. She made a move to hide the paper, but then she realized that it was still blank. She stood and walked to the door. She was surprised to find Lucius waiting on the other side of the door. His arrogant and cold posture, while still present, seemed to have slipped a bit. Confused by this, Vivian scrunched up her nose. "Lucius, I don't think--"

He held up a hand. "Narcissa wants to see you. She... she's not well."

"What do you mean 'not well?' Is she dying?"

Lucius cleared his throat. "No. She had a miscarriage."

"Oh, Lucius! I'm so sorry! How is she?"

"She wants to see you."

"Why?" asked Vivian, afraid that Narcissa would blame her for the miscarriage.

"She didn't say."

"Yeah, I'll go. Now?"

"Well, as soon as reasonably possible."

"Of course. Just give me... a few minutes."

"That's fine. I'm just going to go ahead without you. I trust you can find your way to the Manor on your own."

Vivian almost laughed at his formal tone, but fortunately realized how inappropriate it would be. "Yes, I imagine by now I can."

Lucius nodded. "Goodbye."

Once he was gone, Vivian sank down onto the couch. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel about this. It was sad and she was sympathetic of course, but should she really feel as devastated as she did? Narcissa and Lucius were the enemy. Did she even have a right to her sympathy, considering that she'd had an affair with Narcissa's husband? Vivian prepared herself for the fact that she was being summoned to be hauled over the coals. She sighed and stood. If that was what Narcissa needed, then so be it. She did not allow herself to worry about the fact that she was willing to put Narcissa ahead of herself. These were special circumstances, after all.

Upon arriving at the Manor, Vivian was lead up to the master bedroom by the Malfoy's usually enthusiastic house-elf. Vivian had never seen the master bedroom. Although she knew every inch of the abandoned north and east wings, she had absolutely refused to step foot in the west wing, which housed the master bedroom and Narcissa's sitting room. Looking around now she figured that this one room was as big as her entire flat, although that was a bit of an exaggeration. Narcissa was sitting up in a huge bed and seemed to be surrounded by a cloud of green down. Bellatrix was sitting next to her. Vivian hesitated at the doorway. She saw Bellatrix whisper something to Narcissa then stand and walk toward her. Vivian held her breath as Bellatrix approached, but all Bellatrix said was, "I hope this helps." Vivian still remained in the doorway even after Bellatrix was gone. She waited there for a few minutes until Narcissa asked her come over to the bed.

"Lu-- Lucius told me what happened. I'm really sorry."

Narcissa looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes. "I didn't even think I wanted a child. I thought this would just be a Malfoy heir that I could farm out to nannies and governesses."

Vivian didn't know what to say. She waited for Narcissa to continue.

"The healer said it would have been a girl." She smiled painfully. "I almost had a little girl. We almost had one, I mean. You talked to Lucius? How does he seem?"

"He's... he's trying to hide it, but he's not the same. You can tell that he's hurting on the inside."

"I know he's trying to be strong for me, but I don't want him bottling it up. I tried to tell him that, but he just patted my hand." She paused. "The healer said that miscarriages are very rare in the wizarding world and they don't know what causes it. Do you think it was something I did?"

"Are you asking me as a healer, because I'm not really trained... I mean technically I am trained as a healer, but I don't really know that much about--"

"I'm asking you as my friend who has medical knowledge."

"I don't think it's likely that you did anything wrong, but stress can be a big factor in unhealthy preg..." Vivian started to cry. "Like if your h-husband's having an af-f-fair with--"

"I wasn't stressed about that, Vivian. The affair was over because I told him to end it. I was fairly secure in my marriage. It was over, right?"

Vivian hiccupped and nodded. "I'm s-so sorry, Narcissa. For all of it."

"So, it turns out you're still my best friend. I didn't even realize that I had asked for you until Bellatrix told me that you were coming. I don't blame you for the miscarriage. That's not why I wanted to see you. You're one of the people I need around me to help me through this. Lucius, Bellatrix, and you."

Vivian envied how regal Narcissa was even in the face of personal tragedy. "I'll... I'll be here for you. Just tell me if you need anything."

"Will you talk to Lucius for me?"

Vivian was taken aback by this request. "What do you want me to talk to him about?"

"About the way he's holding it in. He respects you more than me."

"Oh, Narcissa, I don't think that's true at all. He obviously respects you."

"I'm just a trophy wife and a..." She didn't have to finish the sentence; Vivian knew that Narcissa was thinking of what she had said the last time they spoke. The words "brood mare" hung painfully in the air.

"I was..." Vivian wanted to apologize, but she was cut off by Bellatrix's entrance. She walked in holding an arrangement of flowers. "These are from Andromeda. I didn't know what you'd want to do with them."

Narcissa's eyes got a little misty. "Andromeda? Who told her?"

"I think it was Mother."

Narcissa nodded and held out her hands. "Can I see them? Is there a card?"

Bellatrix handed over the flowers reluctantly. She did not seem as happy to hear from their other sister. Narcissa quickly found and read the card from Andromeda. Tears started to run down her face. She handed the card to Bellatrix. "Do you remember that? The summer at the lake?"

Bellatrix sunk down onto the bed. "I do remember. I can't believe she had the nerve to bring up our pact."

"She was just trying to reach out."

"She's the one who broke it! She's the one who chose a mudblood over her own sisters."

Vivian decided that she didn't have a place in this conversation and slipped out of the room quietly. She wandered the mansion, looking for Lucius. She finally found him standing in the downstairs drawing room holding a drink. Vivian entered the room, but he didn't seem to notice her. She cleared her throat. "Er, Lucius, I'm sorry to bother you, but I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine." He replied without making eye contact.

"Narcissa seems to think that--"

He whirled around. "Look, if you wanted to tell me that I'm a horrible husband and this is my fault, Bellatrix beat you to the punch."

"Oh, Lucius, no! It's not your fault."

"Didn't you tell Bellatrix that I was the one with a responsibility to Narcissa?"

Vivian hated the way her words were suddenly coming back to haunt her. "I did say that, but... I talked to Narcissa about the affair and I don't think it even affected her. She doesn't blame us for the miscarriage. Just... you know, don't... cheat anymore, because I think she needs you now."

Lucius looked silently into his drink for a long time before saying, "I don't know what I can do for her."

"I... don't either."

"Because there's nothing to do. It happened; it's over."

"So, you're okay?"

"No, I'm not okay! My daughter is dead. My daughter... It feels so strange to say that. I barely even had a daughter and now she's gone."

"And you're thinking about all the ways you could have spoiled her. She would have been Daddy's little girl."

Lucius looked at her like she was crazy. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I don't either, but Narcissa does. She needs to hear this. She doesn't want you to keep it bottled up. That's what she told me. She doesn't blame you; she's worried about you.

"She said that?"

"Yes. You lost a baby. It's nobody's fault and there's no point in assigning blame anyway. That part is over. Don't listen to Bellatrix. Bellatrix is... Narcissa's not just a trophy wife, is she?"

"Did she say that?"

Vivian hesitated. "I said it a long time ago, when we got in a little fight over you, and she just brought it up again now. She thinks you respect me more. Which is funny if you think about it because throughout our relationship you never respected me at all. Wait, I shouldn't have said that. Pretend I didn't say that."

"I respect you both equally."

Vivian fought the urge to smirk. "How diplomatic."

"Why does Narcissa think that I don't respect her?"

"I don't know. I guess she's just in a vulnerable place right now. Maybe you've taken her for granted in the last couple years."

"By having an affair."

"Maybe. It's just a theory."

"I thought she wasn't that upset about it."

"Why don't you ask Narcissa why she thinks that?"

Lucius was silent for a few moments. "Why do you think that I don't respect you?"

"We're pretending I didn't say that."

"But you did, so..."

"It's petty and stupid. It's just that I know about what happened with Evan."

"Oh, Vivian, I don't know what he told you, but--"

"He didn't, but we are back together and I'm happy. Er, I guess this needs to be said since I may be over here more now. I don't regret our time together and I don't resent you for using me to hurt Evan. I did for a while, but I've gained some perspective. It wasn't... quite a real relationship to begin with. I was just your mistress. You said whatever it took to woo me, and then it was just sex. And you're right; I didn't understand that at the level I should have. But the resentment has faded." Lucius didn't say anything. "It was good. It was fun. I now appreciate it for what it was, and I know that I want more at this stage in my life. And that's why I'm back with Evan. But I really enjoyed our little interlude together." Vivian saw an opening to bring up what that mysterious spy had said about her. It was the wrong time, and Vivian felt horrible for doing it, but it was important. "My only regret is that our break-up drove me into Sirius' arms. That's a big regret. And now there's this rumor that I'm still..."

"Yeah, I didn't start that by the way. Evan said that... I asked the Dark Lord and he said it came from an unreliable source and that it's of no consequence to him. From what I heard you weren't even mentioned by name. It's possible that the spy thought someone else was Rosier's girlfriend."

Vivian was so relieved to hear that. "We shouldn't be talking about this. We... We shouldn't be talking at all. You should be upstairs talking to your wife."

Lucius nodded and set down his glass. As Vivian watched him walk away, a strange feeling settled over her. She felt almost as if she had come home after a long absence. She decided that was exactly what the last couple of years had been, a long absence from her life.

~*~*~*~*~

"I don't know how to explain it, Sirius. After that, I just sat on the couch and wondered why I would sleep with my best friend's husband. How could I do that to her? It was several minutes before I remembered the Order."

It was later that day. Disturbed by the disconnect she had felt, Vivian had fire-called Sirius as soon as she had gotten home. Since she had been assured that the spying on her had not been a sanctioned activity, she decided this was worth the risk. Sirius had flooed in moments later. She was now lying on her couch with her head in his lap. "You probably just felt guilt because of the miscarriage," he said.

"No, it wasn't guilt. I felt... a crack forming. I wasn't playing a role anymore; I was resuming a life I'd put on hold."

"Are you saying that you've... decided to... What are you saying?"

"I don't know. I feel normal now. It was probably just some sort of momentary lapse. What do you think caused it?"

"Sympathy. You felt sympathetic to Narcissa and Lucius because no one deserves to go through something like that. And with the fact that they used to be your friends and you'd had a very intimate relationship with both of them, in different ways of course, you felt guilty, not that you had slept with her husband, but that you had betrayed that friendship for the Order. Maybe subconsciously you thought for just a minute that you could, or should, be a good friend to them again."

Vivian took a deep breath and nodded. "That sounds reasonable. This is why I call you. You're very good with the theories for my behavior."

Sirius smiled. "I don't think you're nearly as complex as you think you are. I'm glad you called me. I hadn't heard from you in over a week. I thought maybe you had... and then when you were talking about reverting back... I didn't know what to think actually."

It suddenly occurred to Vivian how much Sirius had risked when he had vouched for her loyalty. If she had betrayed the Order, both the responsibility and the guilt would be on his head. She sat up. "I didn't mean to worry you. Actually, I was avoiding you, and we need to talk about why."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Okay, why?"

"A spy reported to the Dark Lord--"

"Don't call him that."

"What?"

"Don't call him the Dark Lord. Only Death Eaters call him that."

"A spy told He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named that I was spotted at your house."

"Why would... Oh, I guess they were watching me. That's kind of a creepy thought."

Vivian stifled a gasp. It had never occurred to her that the spy would be watching Sirius. That made so much more sense than to think that she was being followed. She felt stupid and arrogant. "Well, yes, of course the assumption there is that you're being watched. You are a very prominent blood traitor. But this is having negative implications for me. I denied ever going to your house and Evan seems willing to let it go, but if we continue seeing each other--"

"And we will."

"--we need to take this into account. I can't afford to take risks like that."

"Okay, we just need to be more cautious."

"Before you were... You said that nothing would have happened between us back when Dorcas was... you know... alive. But before you fell for Dorcas, back in school, why did you believe in me so much? I mean you took a big gamble on me and I'm just wondering why."

"I have no idea. I just had a feeling about you. I thought I could tell what was genuine and what was an act. It's funny. I wanted to believe the best of you and you wanted to think the worst of me. You thought I was a... sadistic psychopath, wasn't it?"

"You tried to kill my brother."

Sirius grinned. "How is your brother?"

"He hasn't spoken to me since the night you and I slept to-- since the night he thinks we slept together."

"Oh, because of me?"

"No, it's a coincidence," she replied sarcastically.

"I'm really sorry to hear that I've caused a rift."

Vivian smiled. "No, you're not. You're probably thrilled that..." She started to laugh. "I can just picture you casually reminding him that you've shagged his dear sister. And that's really fine, because I knew from the beginning that you hate each other and that your personality is such that you would do something like that."

"So I have your blessing to lord it over him?"

"No, I just meant that you're going to do whatever you want to do, and I'm willing to acknowledge that I'm the one hurting Severus, not you. I'm accepting my part in this. It's not fine if you do that. I didn't mean it like that. Wow, I've never been the one with the power to grant permission. I forbid you to do that to Severus."

"I don't actually need your permission."

Vivian sighed heavily. "I know. It was just fun to say."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I won't do it," he said reluctantly.

She smiled. "You're a good man, Sirius Black. So how are we going to be more cautious?"

Sirius shrugged. "We just will be."

"I think some people are cut out for spying and some aren't."

"Are you saying that I wouldn't make a good spy?"

"Good job! Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."

"So enlighten me, O Experienced One. What was the right answer to that question? How will we be more cautious?"

"Well, starting tonight, at each meeting we will set up the next meeting. If, for some reason, one of us can't make it... I think we should establish some sort of code for that case. Etcetera."

"Etcetera? How descriptive."

"Well, we can hammer out the details right now."

"So tonight's not the night?"

"For what? Oh. No, not tonight. We're taking it slow."

Sirius nodded. "Okay, I think the first thing we should do is set up your anti-apparation wards to recognize and admit my apparation. I think that it won't be safe at my house because you could be spotted through the window. So your flat should really be our primary meeting place. Thus I need... unrestricted access because if I apparate directly that can't be traced."

"You need unrestricted access to my flat? You can't just pop in whenever you like, you know."

"I know. You could change the wards at each designated time, but that sounds like a hassle and you've never even bothered to fix them so that you can apparate in."

"Yes, that's interesting; you'll be able to apparate in and I won't."

"I'll arrange it so that you can as well."

"Wait, why are you doing it?"

"I thought you had trouble with those charms."

"I don't have trouble. I just... I can do them. But I guess you can go ahead and do it if you want. I suppose it's somewhat related to your job. Yes, do it. It'll be good practice for you."

Sirius smiled. "You really don't know how, do you?"

Vivian huffed indignantly. "I know how, in theory. It's just that they're very complicated and I hear if they're done wrong, the results can be disastrous. I wouldn't want you to get splinched."

"Right, so I'll take care of that. And you can be in charge of...er..."

"The anti-conception potions like a good little witch?" she asked with wide eyes.

"I'm sorry, Vivian. Do you feel that I'm being condescending?"

"Well, as it is a medicinal potion, I should hope that you would allow me to--"

"I'm an auror! How dare you imply that I wouldn't be good at subterfuge!"

"When did I-- Oh." Vivian giggled. "That didn't even occur to me. So, what am I in charge of?"

"Creating the code. It needs to have several aspects to cover any scenario and be entirely unique onto itself. And it needs to be simple enough that it can be remembered with out being written down."

"Wait, I really don't think that this should be the main meeting place. I have a boyfriend. What if he shows up unexpectedly?"

"Okay, I'll set up my house to allow you unrestricted entrance too. I know that's what you were angling for. We'll work that into the code. For example, to signify that you want to meet at my place, we'll use the word..."

"I'll figure it out."

"Good. I'm going to work on your apparation wards while you work on that."

"This sounds like a fun date."

"This wasn't a date. It was you freaking out about something and calling me to calm you down."

Vivian wasn't sure; it seemed like a date to her. "Okay, then. I'll let you get to work."

Vivian watched Sirius deconstruct her wards and tried to meditate on a code. She didn't want to mention it to Sirius, but this also seemed more suited for an auror. She supposed that sneaking around wasn't really an area in which a talent with potions could be easily capitalized on.

~*~*~*~*~

Evan answered his door wearing plain black robes. "Oh, you're not wearing that, are you?" asked Vivian as she headed for his wardrobe.

Evan followed her into his bedroom. "Why do we have to have dinner with Lucius and Narcissa?"

"Because they are going through a tough time and they're your family. Not to mention your friends."

"No, they are your friends. I can't stand Lucius and I don't want to have dinner with your ex-lover."

"Well, you can show him how happy we are and that it would be futile to try to seduce me again. Here--" She held out forest green robes. "--wear these."

Evan tossed the robes on the bed. "Has he been trying to seduce you?"

Vivian turned to face him. "No, he's been mourning his daughter. Come on, Evan, don't be jealous of Lucius." She pulled him close and wrapped her arms around his torso.

"How can I not be jealous of him? It was only a couple months ago that you thought you were in love with him. And he only dumped you because Narcissa was pregnant, but she isn't anymore. What's to stop him from trying to get you back?"

She looked up at him, but his eyes didn't meet her gaze. "Look at me." He did. "It doesn't matter what Lucius wants. I want to be with you." Evan's pout slowly melted into a smile. "Now you should kiss me," Vivian whispered.

Evan lowered his head and Vivian felt a strange flip in her stomach as she realized that she wanted him to kiss her. She told herself it was just so that she'd know he had been placated on the Lucius issue. Evan glanced suggestively at the bed and Vivian tried to calculate if they had enough time for that. However, by the time she had assessed that they really didn't quite, she was already flat on her back.

~*~*~*~*~

Vivian was still trying to get her hair back in place when the Malfoys' house elf opened the door. As they were led to the formal living room, Vivian whispered, "Remember not to say anything about babies."

"I know," he whispered back.

"And don't mention Andromeda. Narcissa and Bellatrix got into a fight over her a few days ago."

"Anything else?"

"Yes. Don't get upset if Narcissa mentions the affair. We need to give her some leeway." Vivian wanted to also remind him not to fight with Lucius but at that moment they entered the living room. Narcissa promptly descended on them, chastising them for being late. Vivian looked around to see Lucius and Rodolphus standing on one side of the room, drinks in hand, and Bellatrix sitting on the couch. "I'm sorry, Narcissa. Evan spilled something on his robes."

Narcissa nodded. "I'm just so glad that you made it."

Vivian smiled, but when she turned to look at Evan her smile faded. He was giving Lucius the evil eye. Vivian really regretted that she hadn't had the chance to remind him that Lucius had also lost a child and deserved compassion. Vivian tugged on Evan's sleeve and pulled him over to greet Bellatrix. It was going to be a long night.