Between Love and War

Chapter 4

August 1978

"You know that I have always adored you, Vivian. Because of your friendship with Cissy, I thought of you as another little sister while we were at school."

Vivian had never been as scared as she was now. Even when her father had gotten drunk and gone on one of his tears, she always knew she would survive. That was not the case here in Bellatrix Lestrange's house. When she received the invitation to come to Bellatrix's home, she had known exactly what Bellatrix wanted to discuss. Bellatrix was fanatical about everything having to do with pure blood and preserving her family's honor. If she knew about Lucius' affair there was no telling what she might do to his mistress.

"Bellatrix, I think I know why you asked me to--"

"Don't interrupt. This is about a disturbing rumor I heard from my cousin Evan. He seems to be under the impression that you are now dating my sister's husband. I told him that was ridiculous; Lucius is married."

Vivian waited a second to make sure that Bellatrix had finished this time. "Bellatrix, I know that you... that... I don't know what I'm supposed to say. It would be pointless to deny it. Lucius told Evan, and Narcissa knows. So that's... Yes, it's true." Bellatrix was a very beautiful woman, but within those heavy-lidded eyes there was an unmistakable glint of fury. Vivian reminded herself that it would have been worse in the long run if she had lied.

"How can you do this to Narcissa?"

"With all due respect, I don't think that I'm entirely to blame. Lucius seduced me, okay. He was sliding his hand up my thigh. I know that it's easier to blame the whore than the Malfoy, but Lucius is doing this to Narcissa. He's her husband; he's the one with a responsibility to her. I know that it takes two to tango and although you can't really say no to Lucius, I'll admit that I didn't want to say no." She paused. "Are you going to kill me? I'd just rather know now."

"Lucius told Evan? He should be more discreet."

Vivian blinked hard. She was disturbed that Bellatrix had not answered her question, but decided to go wherever she was leading the conversation. "I assure you, I was the soul of discretion."

Bellatrix clapped her hands together. "Here's the part of the conversation with Evan that I found disturbing: He claims you're just in it for the money."

Vivian shook her head vigorously. "That is not at all true. I've already told Narcissa this. I'm not trying to take her husband or money. Evan just can't understand why I would barely let him touch me only to turn around and shag Lucius."

"And why is that?"

"Why is-- Oh. Evan was trying too hard. He didn't care about anything but getting me into bed. I wanted more from him, with him. I expected more. Lucius... okay, it's all about the sex with him, but it's different. It's more honest and up front. And I believe that he respects me in a way that Evan never did. I tried with Evan. I wanted... I thought I could fall in love with him. And he never respected--He didn't really even treat me like a--I guess I shouldn't really be talking to you about your cousin like this. He's your cousin?"

"Second cousin. My mother's a Rosier. But please continue."

Vivian shook her head. "You don't want to hear this. It's not about money, I swear. It's about disillusionment."

"I'm not going to kill you. I do intend to speak to Lucius about this arrangement though."

Vivian tried to look remorseful and crushed. "I understand. He... It could never last. I know that it has to end. I can't share-- I need to find-- I... I just--" Vivian could not believe that she was actually getting choked up. She decided to push it and screwed her face up like she was on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so worked up." She looked up, tears shining in her eyes. "I think I'm falling in love with him, Bellatrix. So, it's... it's probably better if it ends now, right? He's married! And I wouldn't even want him to leave his wife. She's... Narcissa, she has a name, Narcissa is the-- But Bellatrix, their marriage isn't like yours. It's not love. I've talked to her; she doesn't even-- Now I sound desperate. Tell me it'll be easier if it ends now. No, you're not even- - I haven't been making much sense for the last five minutes, have I?" Please let her still have some trace of compassion for me, or at all. Vivian did not know how much influence Bellatrix had over Lucius personally, but she did know that Bellatrix had the Dark Lord's ear and that was a powerful weapon.

Bellatrix narrowed her eyes. "You're in love with him?"

"Narcissa's your sister. It's not your problem. I think I need to go before I start to cry."

"I know she doesn't love him. Are you--I can't believe I'm asking this--Are you telling me that you will never want him to leave her for you? Never? What if this goes on for years? That's what you want, right? How can you guarantee that in five years you will still be happy coming in second place? That you won't want to get married and have children? You can't. It is better if this ends now."

"Are you going to talk to Lucius directly or poison the Dark Lord's mind about the relationship?"

"I'm sure this matter is not worth the Dark Lord's attention. Now that you bring it up, you've been a little quiet in this war. Why don't you join in the fight?"

"Lucius doesn't want me to." She laughed hollowly. "Although I suppose that'll hardly matter soon. I also just don't think that combat is the place for me. I'm a healer. I believe in saving lives."

"Lives I'm trying to end."

"Well, as long as your Avada Kedavras hit their marks, there will be nothing I can do for those people."

"True. You know, there are other ways to serve the cause. We don't have any fully trained healers in the ranks. And if Death Eaters go to St. Mungo's there might be awkward questions and risk of exposure. Our injured are not getting good treatment."

"I'm not a fully trained healer, and I specialize in potions. I might be able to help, but I can't... and you have Severus now. He's better with potions. But I'll help any way that... If it's okay with Lucius, but I'm sure it will be. And, right, he'll be breaking up with me soon, so I won't need permission."

"Vivian, if you have to ask permission to do things, you've gone wrong somewhere."

Vivian was glad for the chance to change the subject. "Well, you know how Lucius is. He likes to feel in control. Speaking of relationships, how is the pregnancy quest going?"

"Not all that well actually."

"Won't you have to stop fighting when you do conceive? Combat isn't safe for the baby. I don't know if this fight can spare you."

"Are you trying to talk me out of having a child?"

Vivian had no doubt that Bellatrix should not have a child, but she hesitated for effect. "Yes. I, the subservient mistress, am trying to give you relationship advice." She leaned forward. "You two don't want children for the right reasons. In fact, I truly suspect that you don't want children at all at this point. I know this isn't any of my business, but you are the one who will have to make the sacrifices. Don't let Rodolphus talk you into this unless you want to be thrust onto the sidelines with Narcissa and myself, watching the big, strong men do all the heavy lifting. Right now, you could become the Dark Lord's second in command, but that'll all change once you get pregnant. If I were in your position, I would wait until after things had settled down, after our victory. I just think that's something to consider."

"I have considered it. That's why I'm still taking an anti-conception potion. Rodolphus doesn't know that of course. You're shagging my sister's husband and I still like you. How do you do that?"

She shrugged. "I'm very likable."

"No, not to most people. You have a reputation for being a bitch."

"And you have a reputation for being a bit sadistic. You're ruthless. I like that about you, now that I know you aren't going to kill me. When you talk to Lucius, please don't tell him that I said you could become the second in command. That's a position he likes to think he occupies."

Bellatrix hesitated. "I'm not going to talk to Lucius about you. It's not really any of my business, is it? I just think you need to consider where this relationship could possibly go. It may seem like enough now, but if you're falling in love with him, it won't be soon."

"I know you're probably right. Thank you. So, are we still friends?"

"Yes, I think we are. I asked you here intending to... well, do something horrible to you, but you won me over. I remember why I'm fond of you. You're my kind of witch."

"That is a very high compliment coming from you." Actually it made Vivian's skin crawl, but in a way it was high praise of her manipulative abilities. It seemed to get easier. She supposed that once she knew that her life was safe she'd been able to concentrate on the task at hand. Still, Vivian hoped that she would be a little more successful the next time she tried to cry. She had not been able to get an actual tear to roll down her cheek.

"You are taking an anti-conception potion as well, aren't you? There can be no bastard Malfoys."

"Yes, I am and I know. Trust me, Bellatrix, I have at least as much respect for the Malfoy name as you do, if not more. I am not going to do anything to tarnish it. And besides, I am still nineteen, far too young to have children."

"Good. Then I actually do not have any problems with you. If I hear that you're going after Lucius' money though..."

"I know. Cruciatus Curse. You don't have to warn me twice."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Personal healer to the Death Eaters, what do you think?"

Benjy Fenwick looked up from his caldron. "You're not a healer." He was a man of few words. Vivian liked that about him.

"That's what I told Bellatrix, but apparently they currently have very poor healthcare. This is coming from Bellatrix, by the way. I don't know what Lucius will say, but... my burn-healing paste has always been quite effective." She finished as Carl Roth walked back into the teaching laboratory. Carl and Vivian were the only people being trained in healing potions at that time. At this point, their "training" consisted of making potions for the patients while Benjy supervised. Whenever Carl left the room, Vivian used the opportunity to share information with Benjy or ask his opinion about some aspect of her spying.

Carl walked over to her. "You're making a burn-healing paste?"

Vivian glanced down at her empty caldron. "No, I just meant in general. I make an excellent burn-healing paste." She actually liked Carl; it was too bad he thought she was arrogant and a bit crazy. Her burn-healing paste was not even that great. "It came up in conversation."

"Right." Carl smiled and nodded, clearly not believing her.

Vivian was about to insist that it had indeed made sense in context, but she saw Remus through the window. "Excuse me, I need to talk to someone." She walked out to meet Remus.

"Hello, Vivian."

"Hi, Remus. Let's go to a consultation room so that we can talk privately. I need you to--Walk with me--I need you to be aware that I am not technically a healer, so any advice I give you is not technically professional. The hospital is not responsible for your choice to consult an under-qualified witch."

"Is that a common problem for the hospital?"

"Yes, trainees charge less."

"Charge?"

"No, don't worry. It's free." Vivian stopped in front of a desk. "I need a consultation room," she said to the young witch sitting there.

The witch looked up at Remus. "Have you been informed that--"

"Yes, Sara, I told him all that."

"I need to hear it from him. This trainee is barely out of school. We have several qualified healers available if you would prefer."

Remus glanced over at Vivian. "I trust Miss Snape."

Sara looked at him with pity before consulting a piece of paper on her desk. "Room six is available."

"Good." Vivian grabbed his arm. "Let's go."

The room contained two armchairs and a hospital bed. "You can sit in one of the chairs."

"Is this an okay time for you? I'm not bothering you, am I?"

Vivian sat down. "No, it's been a slow day. It's been over a week; I didn't think you were going to show up."

"I just wanted to give you time."

"Well, I have looked into the potion and I'm sorry to say that I was right about it. It is far too early in the development to try on human subjects. I'll try to keep you informed, but at this time there isn't much I can do for you. Do you have any questions? Not just about this potion, but about anything?" Remus shook his head. "Are you sure? You should make it worth coming down here. Do you want to know details about the potion? Anything?"

"I should have come to the hospital in the first place. You have a very professional demeanor here."

Vivian looked pleased. "I am your healthcare provider now."

"As my healthcare provider, will you be candid with me?"

"Within reason."

"If this potion is really that dangerous, how likely is it that it will ever be approved for use?"

"Oh, research is not my area, but the researchers do seem optimistic."

"What do they expect it to do when it's finished?"

"It won't be a cure. Right now they are working on being able to curb the dementia that accompanies transformation. It would make you safe. You wouldn't have to worry about hurting anyone, if it's ever perfected."

"And you don't know how big an 'if' that might be?"

Vivian shook her head. "No, I really don't."

"Are you only being so professional because you're glad to finally have someone consult you?"

Vivian leaned back in her chair and put her arms on the armrests. "That's an interesting question. I think that's true in a way, but it's more that I'm thinking of you as a patient now. You are entrusting your care to me. I mean I know you probably see another healer, but still in a way, you are my patient too. And I'm really excited to have a patient. And, before you ask, yes, that's why I want to continue to keep you informed."

"What do you see in Lucius Malfoy?"

The question took her by surprise. "You know about Lucius?"

"Yeah, that's the real reason I stayed away for so long. I wasn't sure if I should trust you, but Sirius said-"

She swallowed hard. "Sirius knows?"

"Yes. Lots of people know. You may not be as good with secrets as you think."

Vivian face turned stony. "I'm like a vault when I want to be. Lucius let it slip. I'm sorry, go on with your explanation. What did Sirius say?"

"He said that I could trust you. He's actually the one who wanted to know what you see in Lucius."

"You can tell Sirius that he knows exactly what I see in Lucius. And... that he has no right to mock me. Tell him that."

"You two have a strange relationship. When I mentioned your conversational... twists, he just laughed and said, 'Oh, you noticed that.'"

"We don't have a relationship."

"Clearly, because you're involved with Lucius Malfoy."

Vivian huffed. She was still disturbed that Sirius knew about her affair. "What's not to see in him? He's rich, handsome, powerful..."

"Arrogant, cruel, a murderer. It's just odd to me that you say you care about me as your patient, but would applaud your boyfriend for killing me."

"Look, I had to choose a side."

"And any side would do?"

"Does Sirius brief you on what to say, or do you two just think the same way?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Vivian nodded. "Just think the same way. No, I did not randomly choose a side. I have reasons."

"You chose the wrong side. And I've heard all the reasons that people have. None of them are any good."

Vivian shrugged. "That's your opinion."

"I think you should reconsider your decision."

"Okay." Vivian stood. "Do you have any more questions that relate to your medical status?"

Remus stood too, looking slightly uncomfortable. "No, I don't think so. I wasn't trying to attack you. I'm trying to help you."

"I understand that. I just realized that I'm still at work. I have to do my job now. I don't think I need your help though."

"You're right, I should let you get back to work. Will you still keep me informed about the progress of the Wolfsbane Potion?"

"Oh, of course. I'm not at all offended that you disagree with me. I'm a little more reasonable than that. I can survive someone telling me I'm wrong."

"Good. I'm glad you feel that way. But can I ask what are your reasons for supporting the Death Eaters?"

Vivian could not recall ever being asked that before. She really couldn't think of a good reason to side with the Dark Lord. "Next time. I have to work. But if you're asking because you're beginning to respect me and you were willing to place your life in my hands, so you're curious if maybe there is actually a good reason, don't worry. I'm sure it's nothing you haven't heard before."

"That is exactly why I asked," Remus said in an amazed tone.

"It's my job to anticipate what people are thinking."

"How is that your job?"

Vivian couldn't believe she had made that mistake. She had naturally been talking about her job as a spy. "It makes sense if you think about it. And your time is up. Have a nice day."

"Wait, how am I going to know when you know something?"

"When I know something, I'll owl you to set up another appointment."

"I've thought about it and it still doesn't make sense. How is it your job to anticipate what people are thinking?"

"At this point all you need to understand is how it's my job to make potions and I need to get back to that."

"Sirius did tell me that you could be evasive."

She opened the door. "He was right."

When Vivian got back to the laboratory, Carl had left again, probably to take a potion to a patient. "Healer for Death Eaters?"

"The way I understand it, you don't really want to get in that deep."

Vivian nodded. "You're right. Does that make me selfish?"

"No, if you get in beyond your comfort zone, you might make a mistake, and that will be worse for everyone. Remember that it wasn't that long ago that you rushed into this relationship with Malfoy."

"True. I don't even think that it's been a month. Wow, it seems longer."

"My point exactly. You need to slow down. You should just continue doing what you've been doing."

"Well, I didn't suggest it to Bellatrix. It was entirely her idea, and if she pushes the only good excuse is that Lucius won't allow it. So I suppose now I worry about how to get Lucius to not allow it in the event that she does push. It might be difficult if the situation is really as bad as Bellatrix made it sound." She wasn't even really talking for Benjy's benefit anymore. She just liked being able to speak these thoughts aloud to someone who would understand. Soon Carl would return and she would have to keep all these thoughts inside again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Did your brother get a job yet?"

Vivian and Lucius were sitting in a drawing room that she had never seen before. It smelled musty and clearly had not been used in a long time. "He says no one is hiring. Do you really think your estate is so large that Narcissa won't notice we're here?"

"People must be hiring, and Narcissa never comes into the north wing."

"This is the north wing? How do you not get lost in this house?"

Lucius laughed. "I grew up here."

"Still, this is a really big house for just the two of you. Where are your parents?"

"They live in the summer villa outside Brighton."

"And by villa you mean a house that is at least four times as large as the one in which I grew up."

"Well, yes."

Vivian looked around the room. "So do you hide all your mistresses in the north wing?"

Lucius stood and went to pour himself a drink. "You are actually the only mistress I've ever had."

"That's what I really wanted to know. It makes me feel special, instead of like a whore. Word is getting out about us. It seems like all I do anymore is respond to confrontations from people who know. Bellatrix knows, by the way."

"Yes, she talked to me."

"She said she wasn't-- What did she say?"

Lucius made a dismissive gesture with his hand. "That isn't important right now."

"It's important to me," Vivian pressed. "If she told you to break up with me--"

"She didn't. She did mention that you told her Narcissa knows."

"Yeah, Narcissa has known for a while. She was probably the first person Evan went to."

"When were you going to tell me this?"

"When were you going to tell me that Evan was telling everyone that I'm a whore?"

"That's hardly the same thing. Narcissa is my wife."

"Did you-- How did you let it slip to Evan?"

"Well, we were talking about--"

"Wait, what I meant to ask was, did the characterization of me as a gold-digging whore come from you or Evan?"

"Oh, Rosier, of course. He's a little bitter."

Vivian thought carefully about how she wanted to respond. She tried to remember all the things she had said about Evan to Lucius and Bellatrix. "Evan lost me," she began slowly, "because he... He lost me; I wasn't stolen away. He didn't appreciate me. He didn't respect me. He wasn't interested in the same things I was. He needs to understand that I didn't break up with him to be with you. I broke up with him because it wasn't working. The fact that I'm with you now is completely unrelated."

"Do you really think you're in love with me?"

Vivian sucked in her breath. "I can't believe she told you that."

Lucius smirked. "She said you cried."

"Almost cried. I did not actually cry if makes any difference to you."

"It's not--"

Vivian wished he wasn't standing so far away from her. This did not seem like the kind of conversation that should be held from across the room. "I know. This relationship has boundaries and it was stupid of me to get emotionally involved. Believe me, Lucius, I never intended to feel this way."

"It's not a problem, Vivian. I'm not upset with you."

"How can you not be? This complicates things."

Lucius crossed back over to the couch. "Not really. We're in a relationship; it is only natural that you would develop these feelings for me."

Vivian was tempted to ask him if he had developed feelings for her, just to see if he would lie. Instead she smiled a pathetic sort of smile and said, "I'm glad you understand."

Lucius sat down. "But about Severus, do you think he's really looking for a job?"

"I--"

"Because it has been ten days, and I was so desperate to see you that I risked bringing you to the manor while Narcissa was home."

"I know, and I don't think he is really looking. He's been very involved in doing research for the Dark Lord and I don't want to discourage that, but... but it has been ten days."

"He is really coming into his own as a Death Eater. He's much less sycophantic. I actually respect him a bit now."

Vivian was glad to hear that. "Yeah, once you get to know him, he isn't nearly as... intolerable. Coming into his own as the go-to potions guy?"

"Just on the whole. I mean, he does some work with potions, but he's also very skilled in the dark arts."

She fought to suppress her disappointment at Severus' level of involvement. "But he is the best potions wizard around. The Dark Lord should really be taking advantage of that."

"How devoted are you to the Dark Lord?"

Vivian was worried she had said something wrong. "Reasonably. Why?"

"Why aren't you a Death Eater?"

This question worried her even more. "I, um... I thought you didn't like female Death Eaters."

"That's not an answer."

"Well, I suppose I'm not really all that devoted to the Dark Lord. I do support his philosophy though." Vivian prayed to anyone who might be listening that this would be an acceptable answer.

"Yeah, see, I wouldn't used devoted to describe myself either." Vivian let out the breath she'd been holding. "Bellatrix would. She's fanatical. I'm not in it for the philosophy. I mean I agree to a point, but I'm really in it for the power."

"I... I can understand that. I personally think that killing the mudbloods is a little extreme." Vivian giggled. "Bellatrix would throw me out of her house for saying that."

"I've never told anyone what I just told you, not even Narcissa. Because of Bellatrix. She would do anything to push me out of favor with the Dark Lord, although secretly I think he's really more interested in the power too."

"Is that why you asked? Were you afraid I was a fanatic like Bellatrix?"

"Well, Severus is."

"Severus is a lost little boy, pleading for acceptance. He was an easy sell. But while I wouldn't call him fanatical, he is a true believer. Blind prejudice is the scapegoat for the poor."

"Then how do you explain Bellatrix?"

"Blind prejudice serves a purpose for the rich too. I just don't know what it is. I'm much more in tune with the poor."

Lucius leaned in closer to her. "We can talk about this later. Right now I have other plans." He began to nuzzle her neck.

"On the couch?"

Lucius breathed a "yes" onto her skin, giving Vivian goose bumps. "Are you sure Narcissa isn't going to hear us?"

He pulled away and looked deep into her eyes. "At this point, I don't even care." Then he pushed her onto her back.