Cho Chang's Guide To Killing Hermione Granger

Cho Chang's guide to killing Hermione Granger

Hi, Cho here and I've decided to write something that I know people will find interest in. It seems that no one on Fiction Alley has self-guided instructions on how to kill Hermione Granger. And if they really did would I spend my whole day searching them?

Of course not!

In any case, we are going to start with the Basics and work our way up to the lovely 'death' of Little-Miss-Know-it-all.

Here are the steps:

Gather a reliable enemy.

Anyone in his or her right mind knows who hates Hermione Granger more than I do. No, not Draco. Come on! The Weasley boy! And this excellent because I could always pay him to do my dirty work. I mean, he's really poor and I've seen the way he argues with Granger. They hate each other.

2. Get together with this said reliable enemy.

Now this shouldn't be so hard since The Weasley is either stuffing his face in the Great Hall or at Quidditch practice all the time. So you go up to him and flirt, (which I know he won't mind since a lot of boys here at Hogwarts like me anyway) ask to meet up in Hogsmeade, and you go from there. By the way, this will make Harry very jealous!

3. Discuss the ways to kill Hermione.

All right, and now we're finally down to business. Hermione is a very smart little wench. The best way to kill her is to kill her with her own trust. As everyone at this school knows that the-Boy-who-Lived always has to come to someone's rescue. I figure the best thing to do is to trick Granger into going somewhere she knows she can't get hurt. The library! I'm sure Weasley boy will agree with me when we discuss this at Hogsmeade. Hermione is such a book nerd that that'll be the only way to kill her.

Now as far as how we're going to kill her, it'll have to be straight to the point, kill her on the spot, and the end. I myself have never done the Unforgivable Curses, but I'm sure Weasley wouldn't mind doing it for a certain amount of money.

4. Gather all your facts.

Now that you know where you're going to kill her and how you're going to kill her and who's going to kill her, you just have to have everything planned out. It's quite simple, honestly. The Weasley boy is going to run up to her in the Great Hall once I've lured Harry away to tell him that I don't find the Weasley boy attractive or nice or all those other sweet things you're going to say about Harry.

Now the Weasley boy will drag Hermione to the library, as I give Harry a sweet kiss on the lips. It'll work, trust me.

When I snog him rather quickly, I'll make my way over to the library where the Weasley boy and I will corner Granger and voila! She's dead, and it's a happy ending.

5. Lie Lie Lie

Of course, people are going to be very suspicious after the death of Granger's. That's why I borrow Marietta's wand for the Weasley boy to kill her with. Hey, you have to make some sacrifices somewhere. When you're questioned, and you usually will be you have to lie like there's no tomorrow and don't drink anything in the Great Hall or the Ravenclaw Common Room unless you've brewed the drink yourself. Oh and don't forget to pay the Weasley boy.

And there you have it folks! Harry will come running to you broken-hearted that his girlfriend is dead and you can comfort him in any way you see fit. And it's a happy ending.

^o^Days Later^o^

It turns out that the Weasley boy will not want to kill Hermione Granger after all! To my dismay and slight happiness, I saw Granger give Weasley a right old snog after the Prefects meeting. It works for me!

^o^More Days Later^o^

Well, of all the surprises anyone would ever expect... It turns out I should have been trying to kill Ginny Weasley all along...