The War of Shades

Chapter 25 New Directions

As Harry and Tonks walked down the corridor, she filled him in on the paperwork. "I've filed the reports already. You should keep a copy, so we'll head down to my desk first, and then we're free to return anytime."

Harry checked his watch. "Oh, good, there's still plenty of time for your lethifold test."

Tonks blanched. "You had to remember that, didja? Right then, I need the certification for my job. Besides, you'll be there. That makes me feel safer."

"Maybe I shouldn't be there then. It doesn't count if you're not afraid," said Harry.

"Too bad, but I know you - you can say you wouldn't be there, but you'd be right around, though out of sight. You wouldn't shirk off like that."

"You've got me pegged, Tonks, but maybe I'd let it get a bit of you so you'd have a proper fear."

"That's playing dirty."

"It's playing for keeps, and after seeing what a dementor's kiss does, I know that it really is playing for keeps."

"You're a real comfort."

"I try, Tonks. Ready to go?"

"Not just yet, Potter. You hinted that the girls at the camp were suspecting something. You aren't going anywhere until I hear about it."

"Or what? Ooh, I'm afraid, Tonks is going to hex me!" teased Harry.

She leered at him. "Or I'll send out copies of those pictures of you in the hospital wing, with a full explanation of who's in them."

"You play dirty, too."

"In more ways than one. So?"

"Where can we talk privately?"

"There's an interrogation room."

"That'll do - mind if I seal it?"

"Of course not - is it that bad?"

"No, I'd just rather not have it going all around."

"Let's go."

After Harry put a Soundproofing Charm around the room, he explained the rumors to Tonks, how they got started, and that this was the reason Mrs. Weasley had been so cold.

Tonks laughed at the situation. "So a lot of the girls have been trying to find out if you're really the whiz with the ladies that my jumping you yesterday morning made them think? You should offer to do for them what you did for me and then scream at them."

"Ooh, yeah," laughed Harry. "That'll be great for my love life. Seriously, I don't want to correct the record - it's been a lot of fun getting the attention, especially since I learned what's causing it."

"Aah, even the great Harry Potter gets a bit lonesome at times?"

"Of course. I'd think most everyone does. Don't you?"

"Sure, Harry, in a lot of different ways. So you're going to let the attention go on, huh? Are you going to take any of them up on the offers?"

"No. I'm tempted of course, but even if all I wanted was physical contact, I wouldn't want it based on a lie."

"You didn't lie to them. No one lied: they just misinterpreted."

Harry shook his head. "But I'd be taking advantage of that false impression. That's just not right. I want to be with someone who can accept me for what I am - dorkiness and all."

"I would," said Tonks.

"Yeah, right," laughed Harry. "That's nice of you to say, but ..."

"But what, Harry?" said Tonks. "I'm serious. I've been thinking about this since yesterday morning, too. I probably would have just kept it to myself, but seeing as people think something's going on, let me tell you what I've been thinking. We're in a war, Harry, and I'm a soldier on the front line. I've been sent out over two dozen times already to face dark wizards and dementors. I can't tell you how relieved and grateful I am that I can now conjure a patronus. But I come back from responding to attacks and I'm just shaking with fear. I know I seem all funny and flippant, but that's a cover. Oh, I'm a jokester anyway, but I've been overdoing it to hide my fear."

"I didn't know. All you aurors come back acting like you're just back from a picnic or at worst a bar fight."

"Yeah, we do, don't we. Any fighter that thinks it's nothing is stupid or crazy, but we say it anyway so as not to appear weak. I really need someone I can be weak with, someone I can go to and be held and comforted by when the fear gets to me."

"Yeah, I can understand that, but you've got plenty of friends, including me, and we've been there to share support, haven't we?"

"Yes, you have, and you've all been very sweet, but it's not the same as having someone you can hold as long as you need to, someone you can kiss and stroke and ... be close to until you can begin to forget the fears out there that make you want to hide. Harry, I'm not looking for commitment and I'd be a fool to look for that from someone with your life expectancy. I like you a lot and I love you as a friend, but I'm not wanting big-L dreamy love. I could just really use some support for a while, someone who at least cares enough to lose his temper when I screw up, someone who can be kind and attentive and understanding."

"Aren't you bothered by the age thing? There's a fair gap between us."

"I'm not really that much older than you, and you're very mature for 17. When you were just a first-year twerp and I was studying for NEWTS, it would have been creepy, but the gap isn't so much now."

You were at Hogwarts my first year? I don't recall that."

Of course not. I can't name the Gryffindor seventh years from my first year either, except the prefects that used to boss us around. I wouldn't have remembered any of your group either except you tended to make rather a splash."

Harry looked down. "I'm sorry. I hadn't really meant to."

Tonks laughed and rubbed his cheeks. "Of course you didn't. You were just being Harry Potter. You can't turn around without creating a scene. So what do you think - special friends, with benefits?"

"I'm... I'm ..." Harry had trouble finding words, "Erm, what about Remus?"

Tonks face hardened and she turned away sharply. "What about him! You know I'd have been with him if I could, but he's not even as open as he was early in the summer, and that wasn't much. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that he lost so many people he loved in the first war that he won't get close to anyone new. Maybe the time will come when he comes around. Maybe he'll get tired of being alone, but I already am. I know you go back to school in just over two weeks and I'm not looking for anything more than that. In fact, if you wanted to be with me longer than that, I'd have to tell you 'no' - we both have commitments. A person can become either hard or tender in situations like this. I'd rather give and receive care and affection. Wouldn't you?"

Harry stared at her, lost for what to say or do. She walked over to him, put her hands on his shoulders and brought her lips to his. He returned the caress of her lips.

"See Harry, you're not such a klutz. That's all it takes to get started. Doesn't it feel a lot better to be connected than to be alone? And with someone who accepts you as you are, whatever your baggage might be?"

Harry nodded, "Very nice."

Harry realized how comfortable he had become with Tonks' breezy ways. Her expressions of the fears she felt made him want to comfort her. He remembered telling Mr. and Mrs. Weasley how lucky a fellow would be to have Tonks in his life. Then he took her in his arms and held her close. She smiled radiantly as she nestled against him. He looked into her eyes for several seconds, drinking in the warmth and approval that emanated. They may only have two weeks at camp, but there was nothing dishonest about this. Tonks wasn't the only one who needed someone. He slowly brought his lips back toward hers and, closing his eyes, began to kiss her, at first tenderly and then more emphatically. She pulled herself even closer to him, and accepted and returned the kiss enthusiastically.

Harry and Tonks apparated back to Longbottom Manor and headed directly to the lethifold pit after locating Remus in Moody's class. Their new relationship was too fresh to allow demonstrativeness, and yet Remus could not help but notice the playfulness and easy rapport between Harry and Tonks. Initially, he seemed to accept it as the result of dangers faced.

Tonks had no problem conjuring her patronus even with the lethifold approaching, and even insisted on repeating it several times, letting the lethifold get closer and closer each time. When she was done, she celebrated by jumping around like an excited schoolgirl, throwing her arms around Harry's neck and kissing him hard. After that, Tonks headed down for dueling training, on the way informing the Hogwarts students who still needed work on their patronus that Harry was back and their training session before dinner would be held.

Before the students arrived, Remus arched an eyebrow and said to Harry, "I thought there wasn't anything between you two?"

"There wasn't."

"Past tense?" said Remus. "Does that mean there is now?"

"There's something. People need to feel connected. People need to feel cared for and to have someone they can go to for comfort. Remus, you know that, but Tonks is right - you're distant, like you're reliving the first war, or maybe it's fear of reliving it. I understand your loss, but it's time to move on."

"Maybe there's something to what you say. I've always found it easier to look inward than to reach out."

"I did much the same thing most of last year, Remus. What I learned is that you cheat yourself and the people who love you by not chancing the pain. You've got to risk pain to experience joy."

Remus smiled. "'You have grown in wisdom, grasshopper.' But you know, Harry, it doesn't make it any easier when someone you care about goes flitting off into obvious ambushes like you did today. You could have been killed today."

Harry grinned. "You have no idea how close I really came to death today. So how about it: can you be the open and caring man I got to know four years ago?"

"I need to do some soul-searching," said Remus. "Do you know if Cameron is booked up?"

"I've got his time after dinner, but you'll be at the meeting then anyway. I'll let him know you want to see him."

"Thanks, Harry," said Remus. By then the students had begun to assemble.

That evening at dinner, Harry was greeted as a hero by all the trainees for having participated in taking out six enemy fighters. Harry acknowledged the cheers and congratulations and then added "Make sure you give Ron a dose of this when he gets back too. He was critical to the rescue and took on the enemy as well. And let's not forget that he also took the bullet intended for me and that's the reason he's not here now."

"Oh," added Harry, gesturing to Fred and George. "Due credit to Weasley Wizard Wheezes for their Extendable Ears which gave us a heads-up when we needed it."

Fred and George stood and curtsied to all corners of the room in response to the applause.

Ernie McMillan took a seat near Harry during dinner.

"Great going, Harry," he said, then added with a steely glint in his eye, "I only wish you had killed them all."

"Ernie, I know you're still hurting over what happened to your mother. I was grief-stricken, too, and I had only been around her for that one weekend. She was remarkable. But anger will kill you from within - trust me on this."

"Listen, Harry, I know you're trying to work on being kind to all creatures, or whatever it is, but I'm not. The whole war was sort of distant for me until my home was attacked. I hear your mother was very special too, but you never really knew her. I'm sorry for that, but it's a whole different matter when you've really known and loved a person. If I get the chance, every one of them will die."

"Ernie, I'm not going to ask you to forgive just yet or even to stop being angry immediately. But will you at least talk all these feelings over with Reverend MacBoon. For me. That's why he's here, Ernie, to help us deal with the stress and pain of the war without losing what makes us the ones who should win."

"Okay, Harry, I'll talk. But don't expect miracles."

"Give it a shot, that's all I ask."

After dinner, Harry and Cameron went for a very long walk and talked about all the events of the day in detail. Cameron took him to task where he had fallen short of the goal of practicing universal love and praised him where he had done well. When he told about offering to die to eliminate Voldemort's power, Cameron got tears in his eyes and recited "Greater love hath no man than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends."

"That's beautiful, Cameron, but I've done that, and in many ways. Does that mean I'm through?"

"No, Harry, it's a lovely statement, but it was said by Jesus early in his ministry. It expresses the depth of love needed, but not the breadth. By the end of his ministry, he was telling his followers to love everyone, including enemies, as they loved themselves. And he meant it too - he accepted death, a very painful one, on behalf of not just those who loved him, but especially for those who hated him. That is the example that we are all called upon to follow. Today you were willing to lay down your life to destroy Voldemort: to master universal love, you must be willing to lay down your life to save him."

"You're not making this easy."

"Nobody said it was easy."

"Could you do that, Cameron?"

Cameron hesitated. "To be honest, I don't know. I'd like to think so, but I don't know."

"Nobody said it was easy."

At the next morning's run, Harry noticed that there were a few people missing that usually were with them. He thought for a few minutes and realized that, besides Ron and Hermione, who would be returning from St. Mungo's later in the day, members of the Order of the Phoenix were missing. He figured that the meeting from the night before had gone particularly late and they needed sleep more than they needed to run.

At breakfast, Harry found a line at the door to enter the dining room. As he waited patiently with the rest, he looked to the head of the line and saw the Longbottoms' house elf Gumbo handing everyone two pairs of glasses just like the ones Mr. Weasley had been wearing. Gumbo was even wearing a pair himself. To each person he handed them to he said, "A pair and a spare, put one on, please - explanation inside."

When Harry got to the front of the line, Gumbo said, "None for you, sir; explanation inside."

Harry was very puzzled by this. Seamus and Dean gave him a ribbing about not rating getting sunglasses. He found a seat and looked around at the dozens of faces all wearing mirrored wrap-around sunglasses. It sort of reminded him of pictures he had seen of muggles attending 3-D movies. It was hard not to laugh. He wasn't the only one who found this amusing: everyone was chattering and laughing and checking themselves out in the reflections off each other's glasses. The only ones not amused by it were the girls whose hair styles didn't take to sunglasses very well.

When everyone was present, Neville's grandmother stood up. In her mirrored wrap-around sunglasses, she looked as absurd as if Hagrid had been there wearing a tutu. She quieted everyone by dinging on a goblet, since she could no longer use the imposing stare which usually served her so well.

"Everyone, please take your seats and listen. The reason for these glasses is to preserve security. Minister Weasley himself has tested these glasses and they block the efforts of legilemens. In light of recent developments which cannot be explained here, it is necessary that these glasses be worn at all times when in the presence of Mr. Potter. You are all aware, no doubt, of his connection with Lord Voldemort. Most of you are also aware that Mr. Potter is a legilemens. He does not have full control of its use, however, and may inadvertently make some readings; we do not wish any information which you have to get to Voldemort, therefore, we must block any opportunity for Mr. Potter to see your eyes.

"Anyone unwilling to stick to strict sunglasses discipline will not be allowed to continue with training. For the occasional error, there will be a means of reminding you of the importance placed on this. For you aurors and adult auxiliaries, Mr. Moody has assented to impress upon you the seriousness of the matter. As for you students, Professor Dumbledore has added failure to wear sunglasses around Mr. Potter to the list of infractions for which detention will be required. Mr. Filch has gleefully accepted the responsibility of supervising such detention.

"I ask you all to accept this new requirement graciously. We do not want to isolate Mr. Potter from our company, but one never knows what tidbit of information might endanger one of us or those we care about. And please do not think that this only applies during training sessions - our activities and our duties are never far from our minds these days, and we must be ever-watchful. I would ask in fact that you wear the glasses at all times around any other people, since we do not always know whether someone is a legilemens or not. It is better to err on the side of caution in parlous times such as these. Now I believe Mr. Moody has a couple of words he wishes to say to you."

Mrs. Longbottom sat down and Moody stood up. He pointed his wand at his throat and quietly applied the Sonorus charm. Then he looked around at the room until everyone quieted. He gave them a crafty, crinkled smile and bellowed, "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!" Then he smiled again, sat down, and performed the Quietus charm.