The War of Shades

Chapter 17 The Home Front

By the end of the first week of training, a reorganization of schedules seemed in order. Since all of them already had the beginnings of a patronus when they arrived, much progress had been made in having the adults master the patronus and test against the lethifold. Only eight adults who had corporeal patronuses could not produce them when there was a deathly threat, and Tonks was the only adult whose patronus was still too indistinct to give more than a few seconds pause to a dementor. It was decided that the teams would have morning and afternoon sessions with Moody and Mrs. Longbottom, from which the trainees who needed patronus work would check out for one half hour each day for intensive one-on-one work with Harry and Remus. In the late afternoons, all the Hogwarts students who still needed to work on their patronuses would come up to the attic for a group session, very much like DA Patronus work.

The activity and sense of purpose was all very enjoyable to Harry: he would even have called it a happy time, were it not for the circumstances. Of course, there was the ever-present terror war. Non-combatant casualties had been held to only about fifty people, evenly split between wizards and muggles, and eleven goblins by the beginning of August. A communication link had been set up between Remus and a goblin liaison, which had cut the rate of goblin deaths and made the Diagon Alley sector even more secure for all.

Also Harry's mind was more often filled with brooding about Marietta's death, now that thoughts of her had again been brought to the front of his mind. He tried to get Cho to set a time to talk with him about Marietta, but she kept putting him off as though she was too busy catching up with her other friends there at training. He suspected she was actually avoiding him; he was tempted to use legilemency on her, but controlled that urge. He decided that she probably knew what he wanted to talk with her about, since they had done the same thing the year before over Cedric Diggory's death. Perhaps she wasn't ready to hash it out - she and Marietta had been close friends for years.

Another threat to Harry's happiness, and he well knew it was the most threatening, was sensing Voldemort probing his mind. Very little that Harry consciously thought of could be kept a secret anymore, just as Harry was aware of any attacks and schemes of Voldemort. In fact, Harry was only too aware that the approval of targets by Voldemort was a deliberate strike at Harry's emotional state. The Death Eaters and their allies were fully capable of fanning out and killing randomly: Voldemort wanted Harry to be forced to be a conduit, so that Harry would be incensed and more open to Voldemort's mind. Harry had discussed this with Dumbledore, who thought that the breakdown of the division between their minds was probably beyond the power of Occlumency to debar. Dumbledore insisted on frequently checking that Harry was maintaining his individuality against Voldemort. Dumbledore required that Harry spend at least two hours each day with Cameron working on positive emotions and how to live by universal love, and if Harry started to let that schedule slip in his focus on his own and others' training, Moody or Mrs. Longbottom would intervene to free up the needed time.

When Harry pointed out that at least the link was enabling them to thwart most of the attacks, Dumbledore sighed. "Yes, Harry, but I'm afraid this also takes a toll on your independence from him. You know that part of the purpose of the attacks is to fill you with anger and hatred so that you will be more vulnerable to him; you must keep up the fight within you to be separate from him, to maintain your own soul against his pressures."

Harry got a sudden severe pain at that moment and winced. "He has heard that, Professor, and he insists he will overcome me. He scoffs at my insistence that I will not let it happen."

Harry also was frustrated in simply wanting someone special in his life. Camaraderie with Remus, Ron and his other friends only went so far. He wanted the emotional intimacy that buddies could not provide. Even the intense talks with Cameron did not fill the void. He realized that he wanted the comfort of a loving relationship with a woman. Though he would have preferred to have this relationship with Ginny, that possibility seemed to have been closed.

Harry recognized that a substantial part of the feeling was simply raging teenage hormones. He talked it over with Cameron and realized that more than just the touch of a woman, he desired emotional intimacy. Harry understood this and felt a bit embarrassed at how much he had the sense of desiring physical contact. However, Cameron reassured Harry both that such desire for contact was entirely normal for people and Harry's gut feeling that touch was a critical component in signifying and expressing emotional intimacy and openness. They talked several times about the time involved in establishing and maintaining that. While this did not relieve the yearning, it at least let Harry know that it would not be quickly solved, so he would have to be patient.

In his awareness of this desire, Harry realized that he was noticing Ginny more and that she was paying attention to him. It was odd, he thought. At the beginning of the summer he had merely an inkling of having such an interest in her, and even when he had talked to her, it was still just a vague sense; but ever since she had turned him away, he was fascinated. He had always wanted to be appreciated just for himself, not for reputation or money or such. The fact that she rejected him showed that those things were not enough to entice her. There was something more that she needed, and he was determined to figure it out.

By the same token, Harry knew that if he did show whatever it was she was looking for, she would see it. He saw that if she was in the area, and in the close confines of a training camp at a manor house this was inevitable much of the time, she noticed - when he sought out Cho to find a time to talk, or when he played around with Tonks, or got advice and hugs from Hermione, or had long talks with Luna. At such times, her expression was definitely not neutral: on occasions it was plainly hostile.

Again, it took all of Harry's willpower to hold back from using legilemency. He even could feel Voldemort pushing him to use it, as Voldemort seemed to be particularly intent on keeping Harry from as much emotional support as he could. He hoped that practicing resisting Voldemort's prodding to use legilemency would strengthen him against Voldemort in other respects. He described this to Dumbledore, who could only say that he agreed with that hope.

Harry clung fiercely to the idea that invading another's mind unbidden is just as much a violation as touching them in ways unwanted and uninvited. Voldemort frequently worked on seducing Harry into using that power as a means to know others' minds and therefore be able to control them. Voldemort showed Harry how easy it was to step from legilemency to various forms of possession. Inevitably Voldemort would go too far, reading Harry's interest in Ginny and trying to tempt him with the prospect of being able to control her and compel her to serve his desires. Voldemort was unable to appreciate the revulsion that came to Harry at this notion. To Voldemort, people existed for his use. He tried to tell Harry that subverting the will in this way was not overpowering the person, but Harry recognized such a use as rape, at least spiritually so if not in the physical act. The prospect of knowing others' thoughts was very tempting to Harry, but Voldemort was so oblivious to the idea of valuing others for themselves that he would show not just knowledge of others' minds but subjection of them. No longer could Voldemort simply visualize an image and Harry would see it - Harry saw the whole thought process as well: Harry could sense not just what Voldemort wanted to show, but also the thinking behind it, the contempt for others inherent in it and the monstrous extents to which Voldemort was accustomed to using it. Harry shuddered to think of how Ginny would detest him if she knew what the voice within him pushed him to do. Even without this fear, the disgust Harry felt at the idea of undermining the will of a person he loved strengthened him in his resolve to resist their use.

In addition to these problems, there was Harry's towering frustration with Tonks. Harry could continue to work with Neville and the other students who could not master the Patronus Charm, both at the Manor and through the school year. But it particularly nettled him that Tonks could not handle this absolutely critical spell. It wasn't for want of trying, on either of their part. For all her carefree attitude, she just did not seem to be able to find and hold onto a sufficiently intense happy thought. It really bugged Harry.

On the first Sunday of August, many of the trainees played a pick-up game of Quidditch. There were more than enough players, either from current or past teams, or those who hadn't been on teams who enjoyed a good excuse to fly and chase around a field in the mid-summer sun. They decided to play the game with each team having 2 seekers, 4 beaters, 2 keepers and 7 chasers. Cho and Harry were seeking on opposite teams, and with so many beaters available, one on each team was assigned to each of them to keep them from getting the snitch. The other two seekers were rusty, so they didn't merit the special attention.

They were having a rollicking good time, with plenty of mid-air collisions and rescues by Neville, Hermione and Wimbush, who had volunteered to catch people knocked from their brooms, when Harry's scar began to hurt more than it had all summer. He sent the red sparks from his wand for an emergency timeout and set to the ground, where Remus was ready with parchment to take down the details. Harry reeled off location after location.

After a dozen, Remus said, "That's all the standing teams available."

"Keep writing," said Harry, and listed off six more.

At the last one, Ernie gasped and got bug-eyes. "That's my home!" he said and disapparated.

"Remus, get teams out! We can make teams here. I'm going to help Ernie. I know his neighborhood," said Harry, and as Remus tried to stop him Harry disapparated.

Harry apparated behind a dumpster down an alley behind the Indian restaurant near the McMillans' house. He scared a pair of cats, and their sudden cries scared him in turn. This was a very widespread attack and Harry knew that the intention was to make sure there would be plenty of casualties, so he had to be watchful. His heart thumped in his chest and he consciously composed himself so that he could think clearly.

Seeing no signs of magical activity in the alley, he apparated to the roof of the restaurant and scouted the area from there. Leaning over the streetside edge of the roof, he saw Ernie running into the house with wand drawn and spells firing. Harry apparated back to the alley and hustled from alcove to alcove in case there were sorcerers still outside. He found none all the way to Ernie's door. As he had approached, he had seen frequent flashes of light which he recognized as the glow from potentially deadly spells from the drawing room windows. They were flying as intensely as any duel he had seen Ernie in before.

Harry peeped around the frame of the open door and saw Ernie engaged in a furious battle with a hooded Death Eater. Just then, Ernie reflected a red cutting spell back at the Death Eater, who barely moved his head in time. Instead the spell slashed through the hood and tore it off. Harry recognized the wizard as Mulciber. Harry fired an anti-disapparation spell at Mulciber who saw it coming, blocked it, and then disapparated.

"There's a dementor upstairs, Harry. I don't know where my parents are. Stand guard."

Ernie ran upstairs, shouting "Expecto Patronum" and sending his Patronus on ahead to deal with the dementor. Harry checked around the first floor and out the windows and doors, and then he too started up the stairs. Harry heard the sound of doors on their hinges, and then the dementor came gliding down the stairs with Ernie's Patronus behind it. Harry tried several spells to see if anything would affect it - stunner, Petrificus Totalis, Impedimenta, the cutting spell Dobby had used to kill Fudge, even a cheering charm - but all he could do is ruffle its robes.

As the dementor evacuated the house, Tonks and Dawkins arrived at the door. Seeing a dementor coming at them, Dawkins conjured his patronus and the dementor escaped down the street, chased by the two patronuses.

"We've searched the perimeter," said Dawkins. "Is the house safe?"

Just then there was a howl from upstairs.

"Downstairs is. McMillan's upstairs. Cover it here. Tonks, let's go," said Harry quickly.

He and Tonks ran to the top of the stairs. Harry directed Tonks to the right, and Harry went to the left, to where he could hear the sound of sobbing. He checked the bedroom and the bathroom on the left side as he went, and then went into Ernie's parents' room on the right, from which he could hear the bawling. He found Ernie standing in the room, clutching his mother desperately and crying into her shoulder. Iphigenia stood completely indifferent to his hug and tears. She stared off vacantly into the distance, half-hissing, half-whispering to herself. She was in a dressing gown which she allowed to hang open, heedless of anything around her at all. She showed no recognition of Ernie, or Harry, or anything. A few seconds later Tonks came to the door.

"Harry, what's going ... oh, no, I've seen this - the dementor's kiss," said Tonks, reducing her voice to a husky whisper. "What happened, Harry?"

"I don't know. I just got here myself." Harry approached Ernie gingerly and placed a supportive hand on his back. "Ernie?"

Ernie never let go of his mother, but caught himself enough to say, "I don't know ... I sent my ... patronus ahead ... when I got ... to the head of ... the stairs, I saw ... the dementor coming ... out of the room ... I found Mum... like this."

He then began bawling again and Harry and Tonks came to each side of him, making supportive gestures, however feeble. Harry had never felt so entirely useless as at that moment. He also felt guilty.

Then they heard a commotion downstairs, and heard Porphyrio's voice. "It's my home. I have to know what's happened."

Dawkins then was heard. "Upstairs, sir. I don't know what the situation is: it seems to be secure."

Ernie ran and met his father in the hall, quietly preparing his father for the situation. Porphyrio came to the door, with obvious dread, and saw his wife. Iphigenia was wandering around, turning when her feet bumped into things, feebly grasping objects like she recognized them, and then dropping them. Porphyrio grabbed her and called to her. He shook her shoulders, trying to get some reaction from her. She looked right through him, without focus, quietly and aimlessly hissing. She had lost the serene look Harry had been so enamored of: instead she looked as if she was dwelling on some vague worry. Porphyrio hugged her to him and cried bitterly.

Harry's heart felt like it would rip, but then he felt a different feeling rising within him. He had to suppress a desire to laugh - not a nervous laugh but a vigorous cold cackle. It rose within him and nearly erupted. It made him ill to have the feeling and he exerted a lot of effort to suppress it. He forced himself to think of healthier thoughts. He hugged Ernie sympathetically and the two of them were shaking with rage and fear. He turned to Tonks and hugged her as well. He whispered that he needed to drive out the voice in his head and he squeezed her tight. She squeezed him back and whispered encouragement. Finally he was able to drive the sickening impulse out.

Arrangements were made and Iphigenia, Ernie, and Porphyrio were taken to St. Mungo's. The excuse was to see if any of her soul remained, but Tonks quietly told Harry that the real reason was to have a chance to counsel the family. Harry helped to Apparate them there. Porphyrio thanked him, but then asked if they could just have family time. Harry and the aurors understood. Tonks and Dawkins had to report back to the Ministry to fill out the paperwork and Harry was to Apparate back to the Manor. Before leaving he encouraged Ernie to take all the time he needed.

Back at the Manor, he quickly located Remus and Cameron, and then called Dumbledore on the mirror. They all talked about the sick feeling he had gotten from Voldemort's emotions. They agreed Harry had become vulnerable to such a strong intrusion because of the fear and anger he was feeling. Harry recognized that he had to learn to control his emotions even under the most horrific of circumstances, so that he could maintain his separateness. They all also gently but firmly scolded Harry for apparating out to the attack himself, but none of them could bring themselves to be severe with him. Cameron had paperwork to complete, but Lupin took that so that Harry could have a long, healthy talk.

"Cameron, it's my fault."

"For what, Harry, not arriving sooner? You shouldn't have gone at all."

"No. She was targeted because I had been so enthralled with her. When I visited a couple of weeks ago, I found her so remarkable. She was kind and talented and gentle and open and charming - no, beyond charming, gracious, not just in a formal way. Grave infused her. When I would hear of all the good things that people say about my mother, I came to doubt that anyone could be so wonderful, but there was Iphigenia, being just like that. Voldemort knew how I felt. He sent one of his deadliest Death Eaters to make sure the job would get done. She is an empty shell of a person - because of me."

Harry broke down and began sobbing into his hands. Cameron rubbed his shoulders supportively.

"Harry, I can't say that you are not the reason that Voldemort chose her. You know his mind better than anyone. But you mustn't feel guilty. Guilt attaches to the choices we make - not the choices others make. The taint in our souls comes from what is within them, not what is outside. And as much as his thoughts invade your mind, your mind is still your own and you have not acted to harm anyone."

Harry nodded understanding of the words. He continued to cry off and on as they discussed his admiration for Iphigenia, his grief at her destruction, and the idea that he was not at fault. They talked a long time, and Harry understood what was being said, but still, in his heart, Harry felt that somehow he was indeed at fault.