The War of Shades

Chapter 4 - Cats

"Potter! Potter!"

That evening, Harry was just finishing pruning the hedge when he heard his uncle calling for him. Harry went in and found his aunt and uncle in the parlor watching telly. Dudley arrived from the back yard.

"Potter - you know anything about that?" said his uncle, pointing at the telly, "Looks like your kind's work."

Sure enough, the news report was showing the Dark Mark over Brighton from the night before: it was being reported as a kind of fireworks. Harry nodded recognition and then came behind his aunt's chair to watch the report. It was noted that the sign had last been seen in connection with a mysterious series of killings which ceased fifteen years earlier. However the news report did not connect it with any deaths. There are simply too many deaths daily in a city the size of Brighton for the muggle authorities to make any connections. It simply was not that noteworthy that an 89-year-old woman in a retirement home passed on, unless you knew, as Harry did, what brought about her death.

"Well, Harry," said Uncle Vernon, "Petunia says this is one of your kind's doing."

"I'd rather think of my kind as being those who oppose such things, rather than those who cause them, but I know whom you mean. Yes, it's the sign Voldemort and his followers use to announce their killings. They killed an old lady at a retirement home last night."

"What for?" asked Petunia, "Was she a ... a ...witch?"

"No. I asked Professor Dumbledore why - we don't know for sure. She knew that Voldemort had a non-magical father, so we think that's why she was killed. But we're not sure why it was considered so important. But we're very sure it's not going to be an isolated event."

"That's what you left the Rec. Center about yesterday. Are you going to know of other killings before they happen?" asked Vernon.

"Yeah, if they are ordered by Voldemort. Some of his followers will kill on their own, but most won't do a thing they aren't told to."

"Can we help?" asked his uncle.

Harry was amazed. Not only had his uncle accepted Harry and his magical activities, now he was offering to assist in the war against Voldemort.

"Providing a safe home for me is the number one thing. But also, if I get scar pains or otherwise need to get away when there are people around who don't know about magic - and I'm thinking particularly of Aunt Marge - then please help make excuses that will allow me to."

Aunt Petunia spoke up, "How about if we send you to your room as a 'punishment?' You can use a code word, like 'wireless,' to let us know you need to get away, and we'll make up some awful thing you've done and say you're being sent to your room for it."

"Excellent," said Harry.

"Aah, and if Marge objects that you need to be lectured first, we'll say that the detention counselor at St. Brutus's insists on the punishments being kept according to schedule," said Vernon.

"You've done this sort of thing before," laughed Harry.

"Sort of. With business entertaining we set up all sorts of code words to make sure everything goes right to close the deal," said Vernon, then adding with an arched eyebrow, "That is, if desserts don't get dropped on guests' heads."

"I swear that wasn't me!"

"We know, Harry, we know," said Vernon with a smirk.

Harry arrived at Mrs. Figg's house the next day to find Cameron, Mrs. Figg and Tonks eating lunch.

"Ah, there you are, Harry. Good to see you again," greeted Cameron.

"Oh, Harry, you're flushed. Can I get you some chilled herbal tea?" asked Arabella Figg.

"Um, is it just tea? Or a potion," Harry asked.

Tonks laughed, "I'll have to tell Moody - he'll be thrilled that you're getting more cautious." She tweaked him in the side.

"Can't imagine why I'd be paranoid, eh? How about you, Tonks? Are you just here 'cause you like cats or are you checking up on me?" Harry asked, glaring penetratingly at her.

"Ooh, Harry Potter thinks everyone in the world is watching him - he's so important, he's so darling; he's so handsome," she teased.

"You're covering up," he said.

"Blast!" exclaimed Tonks, "I'm going to have to learn Occlumency to be around you, Potter. Right then. There are very few coincidental meetings concerning you and anyone from the Order. You'd be even more suspicious if we weren't watching."

Harry smiled smugly.

Mrs. Figg handed him a glass of tea, "It's just tea, dear."

"Thanks," said Harry to Mrs. Figg, and then turning back to Tonks, added "and thanks to you, too, Tonks."

"For what? I'm just doing my job"

"When you said I was handsome, you were saying what you thought, trying to cover what you didn't want to say by saying something irrelevant but distracting."

"Ooh, Potter! If you ever want a relationship with a girl, you'd better put that legilemency out of your mind. People don't like being read like that!"

The others laughed at her frustration as her cheeks turned bright red.

"I hear you've been doing some other mind-reading as well," said Cameron, becoming more serious. "Tonks told us about her trip out to Brighton."

"Oh, I didn't know you had gone on that Tonks," said Harry, "but Cameron, you knew about Brighton before she told you."

"Okay, you got me - Remus told me about it after he called in aurors. Are you even capable of turning that legilemency off, Harry?" asked Cameron.

"I don't have full control yet. I haven't really trained, but picked up the techniques through Voldemort's mind. I couldn't control that either. His way has been to do it pretty much whenever he's with people, so I haven't learned how to put the brakes on. I actually am working on learning to shut it off."

"Can't be too soon," grumbled Tonks.

"Yeah, Harry," said Cameron, "With most people, you had best keep it to yourself."

"I know. But you were trying to be too breezy about the situation, so I had to call you on it."

"And what about me?" said Tonks.

"It's just fun to rile you," Harry said laughing.

"You've had to call Dumbledore a couple more times since then about attacks," noted Cameron.

"Yeah, only one person was saved, though" said Harry sadly.

"But, Harry," said Mrs. Figg. Laying a hand gently on his arm, "It's one more than would be alive if you hadn't responded."

"So what about it, Harry? We know you're getting details, but how is it affecting you?" asked Cameron.

Harry sighed, "Lots of ways. Of course my scar hurts when it happens, I'm pretty tired of that. I also am not just aware of his moods, but experience them, too, at least when they are strong. He gets a big thrill when he orders someone killed, kind of like, um ..."

"What, Harry, is it that hard to say?" coaxed Cameron.

"It's just gross actually! It's the same sort of feeling I get when I see a pretty girl and, erm, let my mind wander."

Tonks and Mrs. Figg both flinched and gasped in revulsion. Then Mrs. Figg comforted him, "We're reacting to his feelings about killing, not your thoughts, Harry. Those feelings about girls are normal and healthy. With all you've been through, it's a relief that you even have those normal teenage boy feelings."

"Oy, Arabella!" said Cameron with a laugh, "It's not just teens who have those feelings."

"Cameron, you're a man of the cloth!" teased Tonks.

"Yeah. So what! I've taken no vow of celibacy. Sex is a gift of God, to be exercised responsibly like any other gift He gives," explained Cameron.

"Oh, yeah," said Tonks, "I may have to show up at your chapel in the future."

"Tonks," said Mrs. Figg, "I thought you had your eye on Remus!"

"Oh, I could go for him alright, but he won't get involved, because of the werewolf thing. Imagine a little detail like that keeping him from getting on with life."

"Erm, we're here to help Harry," said Cameron, "maybe I should take him into the parlor - to speak privately."

"Alright, alright, just stay put" said Mrs. Figg, "Tonks, why don't you help me out in the garden?" Tonks agreed and they left through the back door.

Cameron began again "Okay, Harry, let's talk some more about forgiveness. Tell me some people you have resentments against."

"Well, of course, there's Voldemort and all his followers, Draco Malfoy, some of the other Slytherins, uh Professor Snape, Delores Umbridge, Aunt Marge."

Cameron interrupted, "That's the aunt you inflated 4 years ago, isn't it?"

Harry rolled his eyes, "Yeah, and she's coming to visit next week and staying for a month!"

"Excellent!" exclaimed Cameron.

"You have a strange sense of the good things in life."

"Oh, don't get me wrong. I don't revel in your discomfort, Harry. But you disliked her enough to do some major uncontrolled wandless magic, and you obviously still have very strong feelings against her. You're going to learn to love her."

Harry glared at Reverend MacBoon, and snarled, "Love her - I'd love to see her roasting on a spit. Or better yet, just to never see her again."

Cameron smiled, "Wonderful! This is just what you need to learn to deal with. You misunderstand what I am asking of you. Universal love does not require you to like her. I am also not asking you to feel affection for her. And most assuredly I am not asking you to feel amorous toward her."

Harry flinched and grimaced at this last suggestion, and Reverend MacBoon smiled.

"It's nice when you can like or feel affection toward someone. But you can love someone in the way you are learning no matter how unlovable they are. You can consciously choose to fill your mind toward that person with the attributes of Christian love - forgiveness, patience, charity, sympathy. First you have to work on empathy - that is, learning how it is that they came to be the person they are, doing the things they are, feeling and thinking the way they do. From that comes sympathy, and then other attributes. And you can do so without liking that person at all."

"Really?" asked Harry incredulously.

"Harry, when you were learning to conjure a patronus, were you feeling happy?"

"Heck, no! I was hearing my parents pleading with Voldemort as he was about to kill them. I don't reckon you can be any farther from happy than listening to that!"

"Exactly, Harry, and yet you learned to force your mind to think the happiest of thoughts even when it was filled with the most awful of thoughts. And you can learn to think the most loving of thoughts about the most unloveable of people while they are doing the most hateful of things. It's an act of will, choosing an attitude of love, and forcing yourself to think only lovingly toward that person."

"And that will make that person better?"

"I can't say what it will do for anyone else. It will make you better, Harry. When you choose to love others, you lose your anger, impatience, resentment, even hatred for that person."

"Wow. In my occlumency training I have been learning to push the negative feelings away. Now I'm going to learn to eliminate them?"

"That's the goal. For right now, let's work on some deeper resentments than you had with Remus. Let's start with Arabella."

"Mrs. Figg? - but I like her. She's great," said Harry.

"Yeah, she's one of my favorite kin, but she hasn't always been great toward you, has she?"

"No, she hasn't." Harry thought back to before he went to Hogwarts. "It used to be excruciating when she would babysit me before I learned I'm a wizard. There was just nothing to do. The house smelled ten times worse than it does now. I don't think she even changed the cats' litter during that whole time. And she didn't air out the kitchen from making potions - I didn't know that was the source of the smells, of course, I just knew it stunk like old cabbage and rotten eggs."

"It must have been awful, Harry,"

"And those photobooks of her cats," groaned Harry.

"What's wrong with the cats!?" said Cameron, then shaking his head he said "Oh, yeah, forgive me. Squibs just have a special affinity for cats and kneazles. No one can explain it, and sometimes we forget that others don't feel the same. You've probably bored the pants off someone with talk about quidditch or something, too. (Harry thought to times Hermione had endured he and Ron with their quidditch strategy sessions). Well, anyway, let's call Arabella in and you two can talk about the situation.

Reverend MacBoon called Mrs. Figg in from the garden. He waved at Tonks not to come in.

"Hey, it's hot out here," she complained.

Cameron grabbed one of his cousin's enormous gardening hats and tossed it like a Frisbee to Tonks, "Here, wear this. It really will help. We won't be too awful long."

Harry and Mrs. Figg sat at the kitchen table to talk about those miserable visits years ago. He was surprised at how much resentment came welling up. More than once, Cameron had to put a hand on Harry's arm to stop him and get him to take a few minutes to calm down.

"Harry," said Mrs. Figg sadly and sympathetically, "like I told you two years ago, I had to make the visits miserable enough that you'd tell the muggles you hated coming here. That kept them sending you. While you were here I was able to feed you better then they had, and get some strengthening potions into you. I am truly sorry if I overdid it. Would it help you to know that I cried after each visit, knowing how hard I had made it on you?"

Harry sniffed and said, "Well, actually, that does help some. But what was it with the pictures of the cats!?"

"I thought you liked that part!" said Mrs. Figg shocked, then looking at Cameron, she said "Who wouldn't want to look at pictures of cats?"

Cameron shrugged.

"But ... the cats were right here!" exclaimed Harry, "Well, except the ones that had passed on, but who cares!? You see one cat you've seen them all!"

"Every cat has its own personality. I am shocked to think of a person not wanting to see pictures of cats. You look at pictures of your friends, don't you?"

"But I'd only show the pictures to someone else if they knew the person too, or had a reason to look at them. And even then it'd be just a few. You have cat mealtime and cat playtime and cat weddings and cat births and cat funerals and cat birthdays and cat toga parties and cat costume parties and .. cats making kittens: I got more sex ed. here than I did at the Dursleys!"

"Well, that's something good then," Mrs. Figg said quietly hurt.

"Arabella," said Cameron soothingly, "we forget that others don't have our affection for cats."

She looked at Harry. "You don't like cats?"

"I like 'em okay, I guess. You know, pet them awhile, play some, make sure they're fed and watered and safe. But then I'd let them be."

"I really did overdo it, then, didn't I? I really thought the cats were the part that made it okay for you."

"Other than the litterbox smell, I was pretty much okay with the cats themselves."

"Did the litterboxes smell? I'm afraid I've been around cats and potions for so long I don't notice much but the strongest of smells. Why didn't you say something?"

Harry hung his head. "All I knew back then was to shut up and accept whatever happened. I mean I was still living in the cupboard under the stairs and doing all the yardwork around the house. I was told to make myself invisible and silent more times than I can count. I reckoned you'd just lock me in someplace dank and dark, like the Dursleys used to."

"Oh, dear, dear, dear," said Mrs. Figg. "I had no idea what a fright this place was for you. It's a wonder you even talked to me, or haven't come round to hex me."

"I ... I wouldn't do that! Even before I knew you were a squib, I wouldn't have wanted to do that. What's the point in hurting someone, just because they did things long ago?"

"Good, Harry," said Reverend MacBoon, "now apply that to Voldemort and his followers."

"But they weren't just annoying! They've killed and tortured. They killed MY parents. They deserve to ... to ..."

Cameron quoted Harry quietly, " 'What's the point in hurting someone, just because they did things long ago?' You're right that they did awful things and they need to be stopped from doing other awful things. They are much worse people than Arabella."

"Ooh," said Arabella sarcastically, "you'll make me blush with such extravagant flattery."

Cameron winked at her, then turned back to Harry, "You see, Harry, it's only a matter of degree. With Arabella, you could put a stop to the miserable things she did to you by no longer visiting. And now that you can visit her without being so miserable, you've actually become fond of her. I'm not saying that you need to, or even should, become affectionate toward Death Eaters. But you can forgive them, from the depth of your heart, and choose to desire for them the best that might be."

"What, just give them everything they want?"

"Did Arabella give you everything you ever reached for? Knives, or medicines, or other dangerous things? No, she loved you, even if you didn't realize it. She kept you from harm, gave you things that were appropriate for you, and kept you from harming yourself. The course that the Death Eaters are on is harming themselves by eroding their souls. If they do all they want to do, they will be destroyed in doing so - if not outwardly, inwardly. For some, perhaps all of them, there is hope for the restoration of their decency and their spirits. But they must be stopped before they will listen and learn. It is an odd irony that in being the protector of the rest of us, you have the opportunity to be the great benefactor to the Death Eaters."

"Really?"

"Yes, Harry. If I die right now, my conscience is clear and I am at peace. Use your legilemency and see if it's not so. I've done the best I can and I have forgiveness for my mistakes. But they are tortured and diseased from within, miserable wretched beings. Their healing starts when they can no longer use the misery of others that they cause to distract from their own misery within."

"You believe that," observed Harry, looking intently into Cameron's eyes. "Everything you said."

Harry thought a few seconds "One of them tortured that old lady two nights ago - silenced her, then tortured her, and finally killed her. They didn't even need to torture her - it was just sport! And you are telling me to learn to love them. So I can help them. So they can be as serene as you or Dumbledore!"

"Harry, 'to achieve peace, practice forgiveness and goodwill.' Have you forgotten what we are learning?"

"Well, let's just say that's a lot to swallow right now."

"Absolutely! That's okay. It's not easy to accept. But look how much resentment you had against Arabella, and now you have forgiven her and you love her. We'll take more steps in that direction. I know you are out of town this weekend, so we'll meet again on Monday, same time. We'll work on forgiving and loving others, a little less terrible than Death Eaters. We'll get a start on Aunt Marge, but from what I hear, that may take more than one session. That's okay; remember, 'love is patient.'"

"'Love hopes all things and believes all things.' Gonna have to, if you think I can learn to love the Death Eaters."

Cameron smiled. "You're a very good student when you're motivated. You'll make it."