Not Just an Empty Emotion

Chapter 23-Promises

Foster sat in an armchair opposite Draco's. He was looking at him with what could have been a concerned and quizzical expression.

"Are you going to tell me what's up Malfoy?"

Draco was feeling too drained to put up much of a fight, he was too full of emotion to think properly...

"I can't," he muttered.

"Why not?"

"I just can't. You wouldn't understand."

"Why not? Why don't you try me?"

Draco frowned. Something wasn't right.

"Since when did you or anyone else in this house care about other people? And especially me? You've never said more than two words to me before now, what's changed?"

"I have," Foster said simply. It sounded like an admission. "I realised everything around us...this house...this life...it isn't what life's about. I can't enjoy living my life like this. I'm still a Slytherin, don't get me wrong but...I'm not who you think I am. I've realised certain things." Foster's cheeks were tinged with pink now, but Draco didn't notice. Foster couldn't stop himself from continuing. "And you've changed as well."

"What?" Draco snapped. "No I haven't."

"You have. Not many people have noticed-they haven't got the brains for a start- but I can see it. You and me, we're more similar than either of us realised. We seem to have finally begun to understand that we can take a different path in life."

"You'll never understand what I do," Draco said shortly.

"Maybe not," Foster said patiently, "but surely it's worth a try?"

"Not really, no. This is my business. And even if I did tell...well, I couldn't say if I wanted to."

"Why not?"

"I just can't!" Draco yelled. "Look, just leave me alone will you!" He stood up and made for the staircase at a run, but Foster was too quick for him; he stood up and caught his arm tightly.

"I'm sorry," he said lightly. "I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that we seem to be in the same boat...the only two people who understand."

"The only two who understand what?" Draco asked angrily, trying to get out of Foster's grip.

"That we can break away from it all."

Draco looked at him, stunned. "You're talking utter bullshit! I'm a Slytherin through and through, and if I have changed, my views of Mudbloods haven't, OK? I'm a Malfoy, does that mean nothing to you? There's nothing that I want to break away from." Draco fought to keep his face blank as he lied.

Foster looked away. "Fine," he said quietly. "Have it your way. But you'll realise eventually. I know you will."
Draco shook his head and pulled his arm from Foster's grip. Without another word he walked away into his dormitory, to be alone at last.

He was thoroughly confused. First he breaks up with Potter, and then Foster extended what seemed to be the hand of friendship.

Dominic Foster was a seventh-year. He had never really got on with Draco. They didn't talk often, but when they did the conversation was strained. At times, however, Draco had caught Foster staring at him with an expression that looked suspiciously like hatred on his face. He didn't much like Foster; though intelligent he was very self-important and opinionated. Draco knew he had been brought up by Muggles, but that didn't stop him being a supporter of Voldemort. Or at least it hadn't. Had what Foster had just told him meant that Foster no longer supported Voldemort?

And had Draco really been that obvious? Had everybody realised he had changed?

No, don't be ridiculous, he told himself. Only two people have. Foster himself said he was the only one to notice-he wouldn't know about Kierre's threats to me, Kierre's been to secretive- I'm panicking over nothing. Just because one person has noticed that I'm behaving differently it doesn't mean my that cover's blown. I wonder why he's changed though?

But Draco didn't have the energy or the will to ponder over the new mystery of Dominic Foster. Inside he was in agony over his row with Potter. He felt guilty; he had yelled at Potter when he needed Draco most. It wasn't as though he'd done anything wrong which meant he deserved what Draco had said. At the same time, though, Draco knew that he had needed to tell Potter how he felt. Draco needed Potter, and with Potter being as he was Draco had felt trapped. I would have been impossible for him to go on like that. He didn't want to lose Potter, but it looked as though he'd thrown him away...had he done the wrong thing? Was it his fault? Had his own selfishness caused the relationship to die?

He still loved Potter as much as he had ever done, he knew that. Nothing had changed there. But would Potter still love him, after what he'd said?
He'll hate me, Draco though desperately, I've been a bastard, how could I say those things when he needs me so much? I've ruined everything. The relationship. Our friendship. The trust...it's my fault!

And what about Voldemort? Draco still wanted to help Potter and the Order as much as he could in the War. But would he be able to? He wouldn't blame Potter if he never trusted him again. What would Draco do then? He could never go back to Voldemort, back to his father...

Draco curled up into a tight ball on his bed, wanting to yell out in agony. In a few short minutes, he had lost everything.

*

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"Harry! My God, Harry, where have you been?" Ginny squealed desperately.

It was well past midnight and Harry had only just left Yesterday's room. He had thought everyone would be in bed, but Ginny had evidently been waiting up for him to return.

"Oh, Harry you look awful." She grabbed his shoulders and steered him onto a chair by the dying fire.

Harry didn't say anything. He couldn't. He wanted to be alone, he needed to sleep and never wake up. Nothing could compare to what he was feeling now.

"Harry?" Ginny prompted delicately.

He just shook his head in response.

"Oh, Harry, please! We've been so worried about you, please talk to me. Where have you been?"

At last he unstuck his throat and croaked, in a hollow voice, "By myself."

"Why?"

"I needed to be. I just...I wanted to think. I needed to be alone."

"But why were you there for so long? And why do you look so bad? You look as though you've been crying all day..."

"It's over Ginny. I've got nothing left."

"What do you mean?"

He couldn't tell her. Telling her would make it real. Make it irreversible.

"Please, Harry. I want to help."

"You can't help. No one can."

"Harry, has this got something to do with Malfoy?"

Slowly he nodded.

"Oh no, Harry, what's he said?"

"It's my fault...if I hadn't been so...I made him do it, really."

"What do you mean?"

"He's...he's...we..." he couldn't say it. But Ginny had suddenly realised.

"Oh, no, Harry! Oh God, I'm so sorry! Why did he do it? The bastard!" she added forcefully.

"He wouldn't have had to if I hadn't been so..." he took a deep breath, willing himself not to cry.

"What did he say, Harry?" Ginny prompted again. Harry didn't want to tell. He resisted as long as he could. But eventually he told her. He told her exactly what they had both said and done.

Ginny was silent for a moment. She was mad at Malfoy for behaving as he had, but at the same time she could see his point. But did they really need to split up over it? Harry and Malfoy were so good together. She may hate him, but she could see how happy he had made Harry.

She hugged him tightly. "Is there nothing you can do? Can't you talk to him?"

"No, I can't. I've ruined it, Ginny. I'm not going to get another chance at this."

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Draco managed to drag himself off his bed late the next day. He avoided everyone, and didn't speak a word. He worked on his homework in silence all day, and didn't bother going to lunch or dinner.

His meeting with Snape to begin his sick 'lessons' was tonight. He couldn't face it. He didn't have the energy to explain to Snape that he didn't want to be a Death Eater.

He took out his quill and wrote a short note to the teacher.

Dear Professor Snape,

I know I am meant to be starting extra lessons with you this evening but I will not be able to make it. I am not well. Could we please reschedule.

Sorry for the short notice.

D. Malfoy.

He slid the note under the door of Snape's office, praying Snape wouldn't ask too many questions.

A large brown owl delivered a note to him later that day.

Mr Malfoy,

I am disappointed at you lack of enthusiasm. However I am prepared to reschedule as I have other plans for tonight. Come to my office, Monday, 7.30.

Professor S. Snape.

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They hadn't seen each other for three days. Harry had spent a lot of time shut up in his dormitory, not talking to anyone. Malfoy had been walking around in a kind of miserable daze. Both felt as depressed as the other, and both believed they were the one in the wrong.

Ginny had left Harry to himself; he didn't want to talk and wouldn't listen. He didn't do any work or go to any lessons and she felt so sorry for him that she didn't try to persuade him to do it.

She was walking back to the common room alone when she saw him.

Draco Malfoy.

She hadn't planned on talking to him but she wasn't about to pass up on a chance to, either.

"Malfoy", she called angrily.

He stopped short and glared at her.

"Fuck off, Weasley."

"Don't you dare talk to me like that, you arsehole."

"Weasley, do you want something or are you just going to call me names? I haven't got the time or the energy to waste just hurling abuse around a corridor thanks so unless you-"

"You know damn well what I want."

"Look Weasley, it's nothing to do with you! This is between me and him, so keep your nose out."

"Oh isn't it? I'd say it is my business, when one of my best friends is so damn miserable he won't eat, and it is my business when I'm the only one who knows anything about all this and so I'm the only one who can bang your bloody heads together and make you see sense!"

"Look, I fucked up, alright, there's no need to rub it in. It's over and that's that. Now you can be happy. Potter's finally got rid of the evil Malfoy who ruins everyone's life."

"Look! I'm trying to help you! I'm not happy, how the hell can I be? And I don't think you're evil."

"You don't?"

"No, I don't. But I think you're giving up too easily. Is that it? Are you seriously telling me you aren't going to even try getting back together?"

"What's the point? He hate's me!"

"What do you mean, what's the point?! The point is that you love him, I know you do! I can understand why you weren't happy with the way he was feeling, but it's all been blown out of proportion."

"Yeah, but he still hate's me."

"Oh for God's sake! What is it with guys? This is why I prefer the female variety! Malfoy, he does not hate you. You can't possibly know that because you walked out on him the other day before he'd even had a chance to respond! He loves you, you stupid git!"

"No he doesn't. How can he after what I did?"

"He does. Look, I think you're both in the wrong. Talk to him. How can it hurt? Have you got anything to lose?"

"No," said Maloy quietly, "I've got nothing."

Ginny suddenly felt so sorry for him he leant forward, placed a hand on his shoulder and said, "Well then talk to him. He'll meet you tomorrow, at eight o'clock, in the same place you last spoke, OK?"

He nodded glumly and she leant forwards and hugged him. Just be careful. He's fragile. You both are."

Malfoy made a noise of protest, but she silenced him with a look and walked off, to try and knock some sense into Harry.

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Draco gave the password and entered the Slytherin common room, thinking vaguely how stupid it was that he had just spoken to a blank wall. The first thing he saw when he entered the room was Foster, sitting in a chair, removed from the rest of the room. Draco tried to avoid his eye, but Foster looked up as he passed and gave him a small smile. Draco nodded at him. Maybe Foster had changed...

He went down to his dormitory and put his bag away, wishing he had gone to dinner as his stomach rumbled loudly.

There was a hesitant knock on the door.

Draco looked up. "Yes?" he called. Foster appeared around the door, looking apprehensive.

"Hi," he said.

"What now?" said Draco exasperatedly.

"Just thought I'd see how you are. Are you OK?"

"I'm fine, why shouldn't I be?"

"Well, you weren't fine the other day."

"I'd just had a bad day, that's all," Draco said. "My father's been pressuring me to...to work harder."

Foster nodded. "OK." Draco didn't catch the disbelief in his voice. "Just making sure you were OK. As I said, we're the only two who really feel the same. We've got to stick together."

"I've told you-!"

"I know you have. But I've told you that you'll realise soon enough."

"There's nothing to realise," Draco said shortly.

"OK then," Foster said calmly. "You didn't go to dinner did you? Here." He waved his wand and a large plate of sandwiches appeared next to Draco. Draco frowned at him as he disappeared around the door again.

What the hell? There was something weird going on here...was it possible that Foster had turned against Voldemort, too? He picked up a sandwich and peered at it suspiciously before taking a bite.

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At last Harry left the common room nervously. It had taken hours but Ginny had finally managed to convince him to go and speak to Malfoy. She smiled encouragingly at him as the Fat Lady's portrait swung forward and blocked him from view.

He reached Yesterday's room and opened the door nervously, feeling very sick. He was full of dread about what was going to happen, but he knew Ginny was right: they had to talk to each other But what would he say?

When he opened his eyes he saw Malfoy standing in the centre of the room, looking even paler than normal. Harry tried to avoid Malfoy's eye, but finally allowed himself to lock their gazes together.

"I'm so sorry," they said together.

"Look, Potter, we...we need to talk."

"I know," Harry said hoarsely. "Malfoy, I-"

"Shh, let me go first. Please?"

Harry nodded and let Malfoy talk.

"I shouldn't have said what I did. It was so selfish of me. I know you're having a really hard time, and I don't know what it must feel like to be going through that. I had no right to say those things."

"It's me who should be sorry!" Harry said. "I know I went on about it. I was too consumed in my own problems to care about yours. I've been really self-centred, I don't blame you for what you did. I was driving myself mad, never mind anyone else.... It's made me realise, Malfoy, I can't keep going on the way I was. Otherwise there will be nothing for me. I've lost you and it's all because I was being so pessimistic."

"Aren't you angry with me? For saying those things to you?"

"Not really. I was at first. I thought you were being totally unreasonable. But then I thought about it and I realised that you were right. I was angry you had split up with me, but I wasn't angry with you, if that makes sense. I suppose I was more angry with myself."
Malfoy smiled slightly; that was the Potter he knew, with all the mixed up feelings.

Harry continued. "I thought you really hated me. I've been so self-centred. I thought you really wanted to end it. "

"You haven't been self centred. I never wanted to end it at all, I just couldn't go on the way we were. Do you see? And Potter- you haven't lost me," Malfoy said, blushing.

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't really mean those things. I do want to be with you. I want that more than anything."

"You mean it?"

"Yes. But I can't blame you if you hate me. I'm such a bastard to say those things to you like that. I just wanted you to know, Potter, that I'm sorry I said it."

"Do you love me?" Harry asked, trying to stop his voice from breaking.

"Yes..." Draco whispered after a pause.

"And I love you. And so that's all that matters." Harry thought his nerves would have settled by now, but he was wrong. His insides were writhing in terror-what if Malfoy rejected him?

"Potter, if we...you know...get back together, I...I need you to be happy."

"I will. I've learned that I need to be happy. I finally understand. Losing you made me realise how much I've still got to lose. If we split up then that means Voldemort is winning, Malfoy, and that can't happen. If we are together then, believe me, I'll be happy."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

The looked at each other for a second, before Harry walked over to Malfoy and embraced him tightly.

The agreed to start things again and take it slowly from then on. They knew it would take a while for things to become totally perfect between then again, but they were both prepared to wait. They knew the relationship would be stronger though, now that they had been honest with each other, and better for it.