Not Just an Empty Emotion

Chapter 22- A Bond Made, A Bond Broken

"Are you with me?"

"What's in it for me?"

"Exactly the same as what's in it for me. Don't you want to know what he's up to?"

"I'll admit I'm curious. But why does it matter?"

"There's something strange about this. Something not right. I want to know what it is."

"Is anything ever 'right' about a Slytherin? Maybe he's just getting more involved in his Father's business."

"No. No, this is something much bigger, I know it. This is completely different. He is completely different now. I'd love to get something on him...so...are you with me or not?"

"Of course I am. But I have a question: why me?"

"Because you're the only one who seems to hate the little rat as much as I do. You can see through him, unlike the rest of the idiots around here."

"OK. I'll admit to that." As he said it, though he knew it wasn't quite true. It was hatred, but not for the reasons everyone thought. "So what do I have to do?"

"Worm your way in. Make friends with him if you have to-"

"That'll never work. He knows how I feel about him. He'd get too suspicious."

"Why would he? He doesn't know you're working with me."

"Not the point. You're forgetting that the guy's intelligent-he's not stupid. He'd guess sooner or later, and I don't think either of us wants that."

"Fine. Blackmail him then, force it out of him, use you wand or your firsts...anything...I'll be doing my own thing, trying to force him to tell. If there's two of us working at it, he'll crack before long."

"OK. But let me do this my own way. OK. I'm going to be subtler than you, all right? I'm not going to dive in there straight away and ask him what he's up to. Give me time."

"I will do. But not too long."

"Fine by me. Oh, and by the way."

"What?"

"No one is going to find out we're working together, understand?"

"Perfectly. OK. That's a deal then." Kierre extended his hand out towards the other boy, who hesitated for a moment before shaking it in his own, an odd glint in his eye.

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Professor Flitwick stood on his usual pile of books and beamed around at them all. "OK everyone, please partner the person closest to you so you can observe each other performing this Charm. It is quite complex, as we saw last lesson, so please do not distract each other. It's going to get very noisy in here, so I will lock the sound into the room. And please be sensible, we could really do without another major incident..."

Harry turned around. Hermione, who had already mastered this charm, was not in her seat. Professor Flitwick had got her to take Neville Longbottom up to the hospital wing because he had somehow set fire to his hair and robes already this lesson, when attempting to demonstrate the Charm. Seamus and Dean were working together, as always, Parvati and Lavender were partnering each other and so that meant-

The only person he could partner was Ron.

Shit, he thought. Why? This is so bloody typical...and I can't get out of this one, either.

Ron was feeling, if possible, even worse about this pairing. "Fine. Let's get this over with then. I'll go first," Ron said aggressively, deliberately not looking at Harry.

Harry had to fight hard not to hex Ron as he looked at his sullen face, full of hatred, and saw how Ron was deliberately staying as far away from his as he possibly could. Just remember, he told himself, it's him who's got a problem, not you.

"Fine," he replied coolly. "But don't worry, Ron. You won't catch anything, no matter how close you get."

Ron shot him an angry glare and said quietly, "Shut the fuck up, Potter. I'm no interested in what you have to say. And I'm not thick you know."

Harry watched as Ron directed his wand at his larynx and said "Sonorous!" A jet of silver light encircled Ron's neck. He swallowed and said, "Did it work, then?" His voice sounded oddly as though someone was messing with a volume dial.

"Not properly. Try again."
Ron scowled at him as he repeated his actions once more, still avoiding Harry's gaze. "How about now?" His angry voice filled the room, bouncing off the walls and echoing slightly. The spell had worked.

Everyone in the room looked at him in amazement, including Harry and Professor Flitwick. Ron even looked stunned himself. "I did it," he said, sounding very confused. "I've done it already... only Hermione got it faster!"

"Well done Mr Weasley!" Flitwick squealed, clearly astounded that Ron had mastered such a difficult charm so quickly. "Quite amazing! Let's see what everyone else can do, now! Come on everyone!"

Ron smiled in a self-satisfied way.

"Well done," said Harry politely, though they both knew he didn't mean it.

"Sure," Ron spat. "Come on then, lets see how well the famous Potter can do on this one. You don't like to be beaten, do you? Can you get it first time round then? What if you don't? Will you go crying to your boy-"

"Shut up!" Harry yelled angrily. "Don't you dare talk about that! Especially with other people here, and especially with that spell on you!"

A few people looked around curiously, but turned away again when Harry glared at them.

"You're so touchy," Ron said lightly, knowing it would piss Harry off. "Go on then. Let's see how well you can do it. Quietus."

Harry snatched up his own wand, longing to punch Ron in the face. The room was beginning to fill with the sounds of different voices, magically magnified to different levels and pitches as the others tried to grasp the charm. He pointed his wand at his throat, remembering how Ludo Bagman had done the same at the Quidditch World Cup nearly three years go.... it seemed such a long time ago, when everything had been different. It seemed to be in a completely different lifetime. Voldemort was still gone, Harry hadn't known anything about the Prophecy or his future, Sirius had still been alive, Percy had been a real part of the Weasley family, he and Ron had still been the best of friends, and he didn't have to face all the problems that he did now.... suddenly a huge wave of sadness broke over him as he realised that with Ron not talking to him, he had lost almost every last part of the time when he had felt safe. There was nothing left any more.

"No..." he said hopelessly, lowering his wand. "It's all gone, Ron."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Ron hissed viciously. "I think you're having another funny turn, you're lucky Rita Skeeter isn't around."

Harry ignored him, gathered up his things and turned to leave. "Professor Flitwick," he said loudly, "I really don't feel very well. I think I'm going to go up to the Hospital Wing..."

"Oh, of course. That's fine, Potter, absolutely fine," Flitwick said, sounding concerned.

Harry left the room, trying to ignore the bitter look on Ron's face. He felt trapped in this new life he didn't want...there was not one shred of the life he had led before all this had happened left...he was suddenly feeling so claustrophobic...he needed some kind of release from the sheer torment of it all.

He broke into a run, his whole body feeling the harsh pounding of his heart. He wanted to run forever and never have to stop, he wanted to yell until all the pain was gone, and he wanted to blame Ron for all his problems.

But that wasn't fair. Not everything was Ron's fault. But if he could just have Ron back it would be bearable...life would be more normal...

He hadn't registered where he was running. He slumped against a door, trying to work out where he was. It was a few seconds before he realised that he was outside the door of the room where he and Malfoy had met so often. Yesterday's Room. He fumbled for the handle and entered the dark, cool room gratefully. He felt safe here; the warm memories made him feel comfortable.

He slumped into the corner feeling drowsy. Wiping his face on his robes he realised it was soaking wet- he hoped only with sweat. He tried to regain his breath, fought the fire in his lungs and willed the pains which made his wounds seem raw again to leave his shaking body.

*

Much later on Harry was still sitting in the same corner. He hadn't moved, but had just sat in a zombie-like daze all day, staring at the opposite wall, but hardly noticing it. He really did feel sick now, and he was still shaking slightly. The same thoughts, questions, and images were going round and round constantly inside his head, amking the whole thing worse...

The door creaked open. Harry looked up sharply, his heart beating fast once more. He couldn't see who or what it was. He stood up slowly and silently-perhaps they hadn't realised there was anyone in here? Pressing himself against the corner and into the cover of the dark shadows he waited.

A figure came around the door cautiously. Harry breathed deeply; bracing himself...he couldn't see their face...

"Potter?" said the figure.

"Malfoy?" whispered Harry, amazed. "Is that you?"

Malfoy moved further into the room, locked the door and lit the torches. "Yes, it's me! What are you doing in here?"

"I- nothing. How did you know I was in here, Malfoy?"

"Ginny said no one had seen you all day, but told me that Parvati told her that you were ill in Charms...I went and checked, but you weren't in the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfrey looked a bit worried, to tell you the truth, so I thought you might be in here. What's up, Potter?"

"Nothing I- I just can't..."

"Come on. Tell me."

"I was thinking...about...about how it was before."

"Before?"

"Yes. Before any of this. And part of me wishes I could go back. Back to how it was. Without Voldemort, or the Prophecy, with Sirius alive and with Ron speaking to me-" his voice cracked with the emotion. Malfoy walked to him and embraced him.

"If you did that, you'd be going back to a time when we weren't together. You wouldn't have me. We wouldn't be together...you'd still hate me."

"I know. That's the only reason I'm not giving up."

"Look, you can't just keep going round in circles. It'll destroy you."

"I know," Harry whispered into Malfoy's shoulder. "I know that but it's so hard."

"You promised me, remember? You promised you wouldn't do this, because there's nothing you can do. Nothing. No matter what happens, you can't dwell on it. It'll be over one day, but no one knows how it's going to end yet, so you've got to enjoy the time before it happens, OK?"

Harry screwed up his eyes. "I just need something to remind me that it's not all bad. That there's something left. I need something good."

Malfoy didn't say anything for a moment. When he did his voice was slightly cold and distant. "Am I not good enough, then?"

"Of course you are it's just...I need something different as well. What we have is the best, but...it can't give me everything."

"Meaning what?"

"I need a friend. Just a friend with no love involved. I need Ron to speak to me again-"

"Listen to yourself," Malfoy said, though he sounded like he was trying to stop himself shouting. "What you need is irrelevant. We all need something we don't have. Sometimes I need to speak to you, just as a friend but I can't. And I can't be patient with you forever, either, Potter. If what we've got isn't good enough for you then fine, just tell me. Then you'll get what you, want, you'll get Weasley back-"

Harry interrupted him. "No! You know I don't mean that! I would never want us to stop loving each other. You know how much you mean to me. You're the only thing that has got me through the last few weeks-you're the only person who understands me, Malfoy. Why are you being like this?" His bewildered voice showed his confusion and panic.

"I'm being like this because I have tried my hardest to make you happy! I've tried to make you see that we can't change the situation, so we've got to enjoy everything we have, but you just won't listen! You're going on about it, and we can't get anywhere like that! I'm sorry, but if you can't be happy at least when we're together I can't go on! I can't live with it being like this! Do you understand? I was so happy when you told me you loved me, but I don't know if you meant it. I can't be sure that that's what you really feel. I need you to love me totally. And with the way you are, Potter, I don't think you do. You're still confused and so you're living in denial. I'm right, aren't I? You don't really love me, Potter, and you and I both know it."

"I do!" said Harry, confused and angry. "Malfoy I don't know what you... I... I just find it so hard!"

"I know you do, and I don't blame you! I find it hard, too! But by dwelling on it you're ruining my life as well as your own. Potter, you're all I have, and at the moment that's a pretty crap situation to be in!"

"What do you mean?"

"What we have is all that keeps- no, wait, what we had is all that kept me going. I've tried and I've tried, but it's just not working. I'm really sorry, Potter." He flung himself around, tried to compose himself and then strode out of the door determinedly, leaving Harry standing alone in the middle of the room, choking on his tears, feeling lonely, and totally lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Draco pounded down the long corridors, wanting nothing but to be alone. The halls and stairs seemed to stretch on forever...denying him his wish...mocking him...he fought tears, he fought rage, and he fought sheer terror.

He had no idea why he had just done what he had. It had all become too much for him to bear. No matter what he said to Potter he just was not going to listen...and Draco knew he could not go on like that. Better that it destroy the relationship than allow it to destroy either of the boys...

But it had destroyed the boys. Draco's feelings towards Potter hadn't changed a bit. He still felt that enormous love for him, he still felt pain when he wasn't with him, and he still knew that Potter was the only thing he could live for. Now he had told Potter he didn't want to be with him any more he had ruined everything that had ever meant anything to him. He wasn't sure if it was the right thing to have done, but right now it felt so wrong- he had just thrown away the last remainder of everything he lived for.

So why had he done it?

He hung his head trying not to see the world, and attempting to block the world from seeing him. Had he ruined it all? Had he destroyed his only hope of happiness?

No, said a little truthful voice inside his head. Potter would have destroyed the happiness in the end. There would have been no happiness at all if you had gone on like that.

"Ow! Bloody Hell! Look where you're going, Malfoy!"
He looked up sharply, too see Ginny Weasley glaring at him angrily, rubbing her arm where they had collided with each other. As she saw his expression, though, her anger quickly faded into worry.

"What is it? What's up?" she asked, frowning in concern.

"Nothing," Draco lied, trying to get away from her. She caught his arm forcefully, and made him turn to face her.

"Tell me, Malfoy. What's happened?" she said, more urgently.

"Nothing!" he said more firmly. "Go and ask Potter why don't you? He'll tell you everything. And he won't be lying- it is my fault!" He wrenched himself from her grasp and strode down the corridors faster, breathing deeply, until he finally reached the entrance to the Slytherin common room. He leant his head against the cool stone wall, calming himself down and trying to summon the energy to say the password.

"Tro-" he began.

"Hey, Malfoy. What's wrong? Are you OK?" said a voice. Draco whipped around to face whoever it was, inwardly praying that his face was clear.

"Foster," he said quietly. "Why aren't you at dinner? What do you want?"

The other boys said the password, took him by the elbow and steered him into the Common Room. "Calm down, Malfoy. Look, lets go in here, and you can tell me why you're nearly in tears, OK? I thought Malfoy's didn't cry... come on." his voice was gentle, and Draco felt soothed by it. But he was determined to be by himself.

"I can't I just want to be alone. What do you want?"

"You," said Foster. Draco looked up, frowning slightly. "I want to talk to you."