Not Just an Empty Emotion

Chapter 7- Never Regret

As Malfoy spoke, Harry's heart leapt into his mouth. He wasn't ready for this. Not ready at all.

No, he thought firmly, Just imagine what Ginny will say if you go back without sorting this out...

He sighed gently, "Potter," he said in grim agreement.

Malfoy just glared back into Harry's eyes. But he couldn't do it. He broke his gaze, scared of his emotion at seeing the only person he'd ever kissed, scared about all the things he wanted to say and shout and do.

"What?" Malfoy said rudely after a moment of silence in which Harry forced himself to stare defiantly back into Malfoy's eyes.

Harry didn't know what to say. That was exactly the question he wanted to ask-but Malfoy had got there first. "I... you...we need to talk," he forced the words out of his mouth, somehow.

"Do we? You see, Potter, I don't think we do. We both know what happened and even if you don't regret it, I do, and I think we'll leave it at that, OK?" Malfoy knew he could be twisting Harry's thoughts, knew he could be making a fatal mistake that would cause Harry to mistrust him once again. But he didn't give a damn. Right now in his heart his emotion were far more important and urgent than the fight to lead the world to victory, to rid it of the darkest wizard in a century. Put like that, the little, unwelcome voice in his head that had planted itself there, and which had interrupted his train of thought more often that not over the last few days, it seems reasonably that he wants to talk. You want to...you know you do...you want his trust more than anything, you need it, you crave it, without it, you fall along with the rest of the world...do you want to be the one responsible for the deaths? You're just scared.

His stomach leapt in anger at the accusation. He knew he should deny it, but he couldn't. He wouldn't' admit it, but it was true.

"No," Harry said, very quietly, "no, it isn't OK. We need to talk, you know we do."

Malfoy sighed, trying to make it look ironic. "Fine. Fine, talk away then."

Harry wasn't prepared; he'd no idea what to say, or where to start. Logically it would have been the beginning-but where was the beginning?

"Er..." he said, "We...um...we kissed." He finished, almost in a whisper.

Draco wanted to admit it all, he wanted to pour out his emotion, or at least be able to talk like a normal wizard, but he couldn't. Something inside him forced him to keep the arrogant, self-assured, uncaring look on his face-maybe it was because he didn't completely trust Harry yet, or maybe he did trust Potter but didn't trust himself. He said, "Yes. Well done Potter. New experience for you?"

Hypocrite, the voice said, scathingly.

"Shit, Malfoy, why can't you just talk about it? Would it really kill you to do that? To act human for once? I know you want to. I know you've been avoiding me, I saw you that day in the great hall! I KNOW YOU CARE!" he yelled.

Malfoy's cheeks went slightly pink, to Harry it looked like a small blush, but Malfoy felt the blood pounding and burning in his cheeks, it was almost painful. He'd have to give in...a little way anyway.

"OK," he sighed, "I do care. How can I not care? My first ever snog was with a lad...and a lad I've grown up hating for the last 15 years and only just learned to like. Not even you, Perfect Potter, would be able to not care about something like that."

Harry smiled slightly, despite himself. He had the impression that Malfoy wanted to return it, but resisted temptation.

"Well, it was the first time I ever-er- snogged another guy as well you know." And the first time I ever enjoyed a snog...he thought guiltily.

"Oh. I wasn't sure you see. I thought maybe you were...oh...you know..." Malfoy trailed off.

"Gay?" Harry suggested. He knew he should have been angry with Malfoy for suggesting that, but that was, after all, what he had thought about Malfoy. And...he wasn't quite sure...but maybe it was true. "Yeah...I know. I thought you might be."

"WHAT? How could you-? Oh, I suppose I can't talk."

Harry laughed. So did Malfoy. It was as though they were friends. For that brief moment all the hatred between the years was, unbelievably, forgotten.

Harry stood up and took his possessions over to Malfoy's table, sitting opposite him. His eyes were gleaming with a slightly embarrassed tint. "Malfoy?"

"What?" came the answer, slow and almost suspicious.

"Are you?"

"Am I what?" came the reply after only a moment's pause. Malfoy knew perfectly well what the question was asking, but he didn't want to have to face the time when he would have to answer it.

"You're so bloody hard to talk to!"

"At least I'm not easy like you!" Malfoy said back. He had meant it to come out bitterly, but it hadn't sounded like that. They looked into each other's faces, smirks playing at their mouths, then, simultaneously, burst into laughter.

"Was that an intended innuendo?" Harry asked, wiping tears from his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Not exactly..." Malfoy said thoughtfully. Shit, he thought, I'm going to have to answer the damn question. "And er...I might be."

Harry's eyes shot up towards Malfoy's face. "What?"

"Don't act so surprised. Oh God...this is so hard. We're not even friends for God's sake...you've got to understand that I'm only talking to you because you're the only person I can talk to? Not because I want to, because I have to."

"Sure. Same here. I didn't come to find you out of personally want I can assure you."

"You came to find me? Bloody hell.... you are keen.... I'm joking!" he added quickly, catching the glare that erupted in Harry's eyes as he said the words. "As I was saying...I might be gay. I don't know. You can't tell me that you didn't think about it after...after Friday? I thought of nothing but...I was scared shitless. I mean, what if I was gay? Mind you...it doesn't really matter any more...I don't care what people think, never have done...and I don't give a flying shit about the 'Malfoy honour'. No...the only person I was worried about was my Mother.... she's the only person I care about now." He finished speaking somewhat sadly.

Harry hesitated before reaching across the wooden table and putting a comforting hand on Malfoy's shoulder, expecting it to be shaken off angrily. It didn't happen. Slightly shocked, Harry realised that it was his turn to speak. "I-well, no I can't say that I didn't think about it. I went straight to bed. I just couldn't get my mind around what had happened. I tried to find who to blame but...truthfully I don't think either of us was...not really."

"No," Malfoy agreed, "I thought that too. It was an accident right?"

"Yeah, sure! Anyway...I tried to work it out...why would we have... kissed? It took me ages to realise...weather I'm gay or not who cares? I mean, it's not important....I've got plenty of time to find out, haven't I? I might be bisexual..."

"Weird...I thought exactly the same! Anyway, I don't believe that anyone's one hundred per cent straight...I mean, think about it, Potter..."

Harry thought. And the more he thought the more it made sense. It's just, he realised, and some people have stronger feelings than most... and some act on it he smiled at Malfoy.

They sat a while longer in silence. Neither would ever have believed that it would have been this easy. Both had opened up to each other more than they would ever have thought possible. Although both, especially Harry, were embarrassed about the revelations they had made, they were important. They had had to be made and there was no beating about the bush.

"Potter?" Malfoy said after a while.

"Mmmm..." Harry responded, not paying proper attention to what Malfoy was saying; he was still deep in thoughts.

"You know on Friday?"

"What kind of a crap question is that?" Harry asked sarcastically. They were almost back to how they used to be.

"Haha, very funny. When we went into that room, and I asked for a word...and you said I had sixty seconds? Why did you listen to everything I said?"

Harry was bewildered. He didn't have an answer. "Um..." he said, "I don't really know. I was a bit...worried I think. And I was interested."

"Oh. And, Potter?"

"Yes, Malfoy?"

"Why did you trust me? What I said...it must've sounded so bloody stupid...far fetched, unbelievable. Why did you believe me? We've not exactly been friends over the years, have we?"

"No, Malfoy. You've been a complete bastard to me over the years. It was your fault we weren't friends-"

"Not true. I offered to be your friend, on the train, remember?"

"Of course I remember. But do you remember why I rejected your offer? Oh, don't look so flaming innocent Malfoy. I was coming to Hogwarts completely alone, as you well knew, and then just as I looked to be making a friend you came and...and...assaulted us!"

"Oh...come off it! Don't exaggerate! Assault my arse!" he yelled. Fuck! He thought angrily, but at the same time with a hint of delicious yearning, which he pushed away angrily, more sexual bloody connotations! Shit Draco...keep your mind on the right track. Potter isn't even a friend... "Potter, answer me. Why did you trust me?"

"I don't know. I have absolutely no idea.... I guess it was a sort of intuition.... but other than that I-"

"I need to know," Malfoy stressed, "Do you still trust me? Does that handshake still count?"

"Of course it does," said Harry at once, "I still believe you, and the handshake still means something."

"Oh," Malfoy breathed. Then- "Does that mean that we're...that we can be...friends? Sort of! I mean- I don't mean-"

"Yes," Harry fought to stop himself laughing. "We can be. I doubt we'll ever be best friends...we're too different. But, I think we can be friends."

"Thank-you, Potter. Shit, I never thought I'd say that! Oh...there's one more thing."

"What now Malfoy?" Harry said, through a huge, fake sigh.

"Not in public."

"Huh?"

"Not in public."

"I know, I heard I'm not deaf. But not what in public?"

"We can't...you know, act like friends in public. If my Father...or Voldemort for that matter, ever found out...And I'd need a story to cover up in Slytherin...mind you they're all so stupid that wouldn't be difficult. It's not that I'm ashamed to be your friend or anything...not at all. I just think it's best all round if we don't make a big-"

"Shhh," Harry said, hiding a laugh, "You really do talk to much, you know?"

"Really?" Draco blinked, stunned.

"Yeah! You've barely shut up! For someone who didn't want to talk you've certainly got a lot to say, but yeah. Of course we can keep it secret! Could make it more interesting."

Draco eyed Harry, with one eyebrow raised.

"We probably should talk some more but I really have to go. Wouldn't want anyone walking in and seeing us talking rather than tearing each other to pieces!"

Then something amazing happened; for the very first time in Harry's whole life, he heard Malfoy laugh. It wasn't a cold, mean, forced laugh; it was a natural laugh, from the heart and full of relief. "I guess so. I'd better go as well...I think I can miss one night's study."

Remembering the heavy book Malfoy had been reading Harry opened his mouth to ask what it was-it hadn't looked like a schoolbook. But Malfoy looked even paler than normal, and slightly ill too. The situation seemed to have taken all the energy out of him. He resolved to ask another time.

Gathering up their belongings they left the library together because, they reasoned, it was too late for anyone to be out of bed. Madam Pince would probably be the only teacher not in her office, waiting to lock the library.

They walked in comfortable silence for a while along the warren-like corridors of the castle. The portraits whispered as they went by, gossiping about the friendship that seemed to now connect two boys who infamously hated each other. This matter was resolved however when, every now and then, Draco would point his wand at one and threaten "Mention this to anybody, and your canvas ass gets blasted." Only a few of the portraits were stupid enough to complain. The rest just made disgruntled or disapproving noises before eyeing the boy's wand nervously.

They had reached the marble staircase.

"You leave me here, don't you?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I go down to the dungeons. How about you? You know...come to think of it, of all the years I could have been here, all the opportunities I've had, I've never even found out where the Gryffindor common room is."

Harry smiled. "Bye, Malfoy" he said, turning on his heel.

A hand reached out and grabbed the sleeve of his robes. "Wait!"

Harry, bewildered, turned. Malfoy was staring at him. A grin was fighting on his lips.

Malfoy went on, "Don't I even get a goodnight kiss?" he said, seriously.

Harry stared at him, too shocked to say anything. Then-

"What!!??" he laughed. "What the Hell are you talking about?" through his confusion, the laughter was still forcing its way out. The same was happening to Malfoy.

"The- the look on your face!" Malfoy stuttered finally, regaining some composure.

As the laughter died slowly away they looked at each other.

Harry noticed how the candlelight was playing on Malfoy's face. It brought it into sharp relief, hid defined cheekbones standing out more than ever. The skin was pale, but alive, barely flushed from Malfoy's laughing. His skin was smooth and flawless. In his eyes a light seemed to shine. Somehow it reached out to Harry, and felt immeasurably calmer than he had ever done, possibly in his life. Malfoy's mouth was set, seriously. Each strand of his hair glistened like droplets of water on his head. It was so...beautiful.

Draco, for his part, noticed how the burning candlelight was reflected in Harry's eyes. They themselves seemed to be burning with something that looked very much like desire. The green was intense, almost black. Harry's skin looked so perfect...as though it had been untouched-it bore no sign of the internal agony Harry had had to face. The light had picked out highlights in Harry's hair; these shone a perfect, electric blue.

And each remembered how it had felt to be attached to each other's mouth.

The few moments in which they stared into each other's eyes seemed to last an eternity. Neither seemed to want to break whatever it was that was keeping them where they were.

"I...it was meant to be a joke..." Malfoy whispered softly.

Harry swallowed. As he spoke his voice shook with nervousness, "And now? What is it now?"

Malfoy didn't answer. He knew Harry was thinking the same as he was; It couldn't happen again. He wasn't even sure if he was gay...never mind who he fancied...it must NOT happen again...

And yet to both it seemed so right.

"I'm not sure," Malfoy breathed in Harry's ear.

Harry swallowed again, not sure why he was doing what he was doing. Hardly even aware that he was doing it. Turning around slowly he gestured for Malfoy to follow him. He led them into the nearest room. It was a small room, with no windows, and no furniture whatsoever. The only thing in there was the torches, which shone in their brackets on the walls.

As Malfoy followed Harry into the room, he locked the door. Just in case.

They stood in the very centre of the room. Not sure what to do.

"Potter, I just-" he cut off abruptly. Unbeknown to the boys, their bodies had moved closer together. As Malfoy has spoken his soft lips had brushed Harry's, more gently than anything either of them could remember feeling in their lives, a shiver went down their spines.

Harry moved his lips past Malfoy's mouth, towards his ear. Barely a centimetre away from it he breathed "Please..."

Slowly Malfoy's hands found Harry's waist. He held Potter's hips in his fingertips, as though they were the most fragile things.

Facing the floor Harry moved properly in front of Malfoy. Still in his mind were threads of doubt, pushed away by feelings of curiosity. Malfoy took one of his hands and placed it around Harry's cheek. He lifted it, slowly, carefully, until once again their eyes were interlocked.

They were almost touching as Harry's hands moved to Malfoy's body. He felt the boy's chest beneath his robes. Moving down he felt the boy's torso. He didn't dare to go any further down. He had a good idea of what he would feel if he went there. He knew for certain what Malfoy would feel...

They stood for an eternity holding each other like that, staring into the eyes of the enemy, who seemed far in the distant past.

Then, ever so slowly, Malfoy eased Harry forwards, leaning himself as he did so. Harry's mouth opened a fraction as he allowed Malfoy to savour his appearance for once last second. They could feel each other's breath. Gentle and seductive it pulled them further together.

As their nervous lips met all doubt was cast, for the moment, from the boys' minds. Inside their head's explosions seemed to be showing the kiss for what it truly was. As their mouths opened together the kiss seemed to bother like ecstasy. Harry slid his tongue inside Malfoy's mouth just as Malfoy's own began to move. As their tongues met both gave soft moans.

Inside their robes both felt their arousals pleasurably tight against the material.

The kiss was, to both, so deliciously slow and perfect. They seemed to move gently in perfect unison, and it felt as though they had all the time in the world. If they had thought their first kiss was good, then there was surely no word for how wonderful this one felt.

As their arousals met for the first time they only broke apart for a second as they gasped in pleasure and surprise before they continued.

The kiss continued, deeply. The light touch and slow rhythm of the other boy made it so perfect. Soon, as their bodies were so close that each could feel the other's hardness as it became more urgent, it seemed as though it would be impossibly to find where Malfoy ended and Potter began.

As the kiss slowly died Malfoy his tongue along Harry's lower lip, making him moan once again with pleasure. Nothing had ever felt that good. They touched their foreheads together, still with their eyes closed.

Neither protested that the kiss was over. Both undeniably wanted it to continue, but they knew they mustn't. Soon, Malfoy spoke.

"We can't, Potter."

"I know. I know."

"We'll have to...um...finish it off ourselves, somewhere else. We can't do it here. Though...I almost did." Malfoy admitted, thankful that Harry's eyes were still closed as he flushed furiously again.

"Really? Me too..." Harry's voice showed an involuntary tone of shame.

Malfoy gripped Harry's arm, gently but firmly. He's already run off after one kiss. He wasn't going to let it happen again.

"Thank-you," he breathed.

"What for?"

"For this. I still can't believe we did it...or how...how perfect and right it seemed."

"I know. It did. Malfoy..."he asked uncertainly.

But Malfoy knew what he was going to ask. "No, it doesn't," he said firmly, though his groin was telling him a different story, "We're still just friends, Potter."

Silence.

"Thank-you."

They held each other a little while longer, and then, as the torches began to fail, they left the room and separated. Not saying anything, because there was nothing that needed to be said.