The Amazing Illegal Wonder Potion

Chapter 2

Ulterior Motives

Harry came round after just a few minutes, and when he did, he almost fainted again at the sight of his godfather. His words came out in gasps as he tried to express what was running through his head.

"You... you... how... I thought...you died!"

"Calm down, Harry, I didn't really die! Well, I sort of did, but not completely. I came back¹. I'm back."

And Harry threw his arms around him and started to cry.

Sirius couldn't help feeling touched. It was a comfort to know that somebody still cared about him. However, he reminded himself not to let it soften him up. The image of dark, brooding despair, which he had maintained about himself since his escape from Azkaban, had made him so popular with the ladies that he often had to cast female-repelling charms to stop them from trampling him to death. Sirius was (naturally) gay², but it was still flattering to have legions of women wanting to shag him. And the "brooding despair" thing worked just as well on boys, if they swung in the right direction...

Now there, Sirius perceived, he had a bit of a problem.

When James and Lily got married, Sirius had spent most of the wedding day crying in the bathroom. And it was not because he was sentimental. Eventually, Remus had brought him a full bottle of Firewhiskey, which they polished off right there in the cubicle. After that (and a few other things), Sirius decided that things weren't so bad after all, and even managed to feel happy for James and Lily. He never quite forgave Lily for stealing his boyfriend, but what could you do? There were other fish in the sea, or, as it were, wolves in the forest.

When he escaped from Azkaban, however, he found that the attraction was somewhat lessened. The tired, greying Remus Lupin was no match for his former self. Even the werewolf thing didn't seem quite as sexy, when a living, breathing image of James had graced the world with his presence. Harry might not have been quite the same man his father was... but he was close enough.

Unfortunately, he was also straighter than McGonagall's underwear drawer.

Sirius wasn't sure how to deal with this. He was certain that under the current circumstances, trying anything would be considered some form of abuse. But he didn't know if it was possible to make someone become gay, and if Harry remained straight, Sirius was sure he would one day be forced to spend another wedding day crying in the bathroom.

After patting Harry on the back for several minutes in what he hoped was a fatherly manner, Sirius decided that he would have to bide his time. Perhaps if he did some research, a solution to his dilemma would present itself. In the meantime, he could work on his facial expressions in the mirror. Brooding Despair was always a winner, but Wounded Soldier was also a good one, as were Haunted Conscience and, of course, Hidden Wells of Pain. The chicks really loved that one.