Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Potter47

Seven
How the Half-Blood Prince Stole Fan Fic!

Every student
In Hogwarts
Liked fan fic a lot . . .

But You-Know-Who,
Who lived in the forest of Hogwarts,
Did NOT!
You-Know-Who hated fan fic! The whole fan fic treason!
Ask why if you must. Everyone knows the reason.
You-Know-Who was upset, with a terrible umbrage:
Mad because despite his non-pureblood lineage,
(He couldn't believe he'd been outdone by Pince!)
JKR said he was not the Half-Blood Prince.

Now,
that you know the reason,
You-Know-Who was quite jealous,
In the forest he stood, hating all Hogwarts's fellas.
Staring up from the forest with a sour, evil sneer,
At the windows of Hogwarts and their half-bloody cheer.
For every male half-blood in Hogwarts, knew he,
Was hoping to be the next HBPP.

"And they're even reviewing!" he snarled with a sneer,
"But the authors all like that! They're giving them cheer!"
Then he growled, his half-bloody fingers were drumming,
"I must find some way to stop fan fic from coming!"
For,
Tomorrow, he knew . . .

. . . All the kids and professors
Would wake bright and early. Turn on their processors!
And then! Oh, the reading! Oh, the Read-! Read-! Read-! Reading!
That's one thing he hated! The READ-! READ-! READ-! READING!

Then they would, young and old, begin to review.
And review! And review!
And re-VIEW!
-VIEW!
-VIEW!
-VIEW!
They'd review all the stories, the long and the boring,
Something You-Know-Who simply could not stand in the morning!

And THEN
They'd do something
He liked least of all!
Everyone up in Hogwarts, the tall and the small,
Would sit close together, lighting spells lighting.
They'd sit shoulder-to-shoulder. And they all would start writing!

They'd write! And they'd write!
AND they'd WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE!
And the more You-Know-Who thought of this Hogwarty-writing,
The more that he thought, "I must stop this entire thing!"
For seven whole years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this fan fic from coming!
. . . But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
YOU-KNOW-WHO
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Voldie laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Half-Blood Prince hat and a coat.
And he smirked and he said, "With this stuff no one'll see,
that I'm Voldemort; they'll think I'm an HBPP!

"All I need is an author . . ."
You-Know-Who looked around.
And never could you ever guess who he found.
He looked right at the sky and pulled me through my screen,
and he said, "Potter47, you're just what I mean."
"Please no, not me," I beggingly said,
(though "beggingly" is no word, and befuddles the head)
"Shut up, you dumb author, or you won't get no bread."

THEN
He loaded some bags
And an old empty sack
Shoved them into my hands,
With his wand to my back.

Then You-Know-Who said, "Hurry up!
To Hogwarts we shall go,
Toward the witches and wizards
You pretend that you know."

And so we did go, and I he did sure scare,
You-Know-Who marched me down to Hogwarts without care
When we came to the Great Hall, he stopped with a swear.
"This is stop number one," the old Voldemort hissed
And he led me inside, empty bags in my fist.

Then we walked down the hall, after a stop at the loo,
And just behind me was wicked You-Know-Who.
I looked at him now, "Now what do we do?"
And he said, "You're the author, I thought that you knew.
All this reading and fan fic simply must go.
It's too good for the eyes and the brain it may grow."

Then he pointed round me, with the smile of a looter,
"Go round the room and bring me every computer!"
Monitors! Laptops! Floppy disks! Sites!
Keyboards! Desktops! Printers! And bytes!
And we stuffed them in bags that I lugged down the floor,
And Voldemort led us through the double doors!

Then he slunk to the kitchens. He took the Elfy-Sues!
He took the Elf fluff fics! He took the angsty Elf blues!
He cleaned out those kitchens as quick as a flash.
Why, he didn't need me to help with the Elf-slash!

Then he stuffed all the fics upon me with glee,
"And NOW!" You-Know-Who said, said that he'd stuff up me!

And You-Know-Who grabbed me and started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned round fast, and he saw two pairs of shoes!
An invisibility cloak covered the bodies, I knew.

You-Know-Who had been caught by this figurative clogging,
Who'd got out of bed for a bit of good snogging.
They threw off the cloak -- it was Lovegood and Weasley!
"What are you doing here?" Luna added, "Voldie?"

But, you know, that old Dark Lord was smart and was slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, Miss Lovegood my dear," the fake Half-Blood Prince lied,
I'm really an author who's come here to hide!"
And he pointed to me with a wobbly motion,
"He's the real Voldemort, it's Polyjuice Potion!"

And his fib fooled the children. Then to them he did wave.
"I'll do my best -- yourselves you must save!"
And when Weasley and Lovegood had to bed gone back,
HE took hold of me and stuffed me in the sack!

Then with one final look,
(though this I could not see)
He departed the kitchen himself, yes did he.
(He barely remembered to even take me.)

Then
He did the same thing
To all the Hogwarts Houses.

Leaving no wires
To be nibbled
By Hogwarts's mouses!

It was quarter past dawn . . .
Gryffindors still a-bed,
Slytherins still a-snooze
When he packed up the stuff
Packed it up with their fluff! The romances! The comedies!
The angsts! And the generals! The parodies! The tragedies!

From the castle we went! To the forest forbidden!
He took all the bags and made sure they were hidden!
"Pooh-Pooh to the readers!" he was evilly humming.
"They're finding out now that no fan fics are coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then everyone in Hogwarts will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Dark Lord,
"That I simply MUST hear!
So he ran back to the castle, his hand at his ear.
And he did hear a sound coming out of the door.
It started in low. Then it started to grow . . .

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared into Hogwarts!
Voldemort popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Everybody in Hogwarts, the tall and the small,
Was reading! Without any computers at all!

He HADN'T stopped fan fic from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Dark Lord, with his head through the great double doors
Stood puzzling and puzzling, "How come, Dumbledore?"
"They're reading each other's! How can it be so?"
"They're reading fan fictions that they themselves wrote!
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Voldemort thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe stories," he thought, "don't need disks and cords."
"Maybe stories . . . perhaps . . . mean a little bit more!"

And what happened then . . . ?
Well . . . in Greenland, you see
They say Voldie himself
Wrote an HBPP!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so jealous,
He forgave all the Half Blood Princes, all the fellas.
And he brought back the fics! And the internet glory!
And he . . .

. . . HE HIMSELF . . . !
Shared his very own story!
Finis
Review. Please. In fact, if the preceding rhyming-story has not given you enough of a reason to review, perhaps the following Christmassy-song (sung to the tune of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas") will:

Have Yourself A Harry Ginny Christmas

Have yourself a Harry Ginny Christmas,
Let your quill fluff write
From now on,
their troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a Harry Ginny Christmas,
Make the H/Hers pay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
classic fan fic days of yore.
Faithful characters, dear to us
gather near to us once more.

We believe that they will be together
If the Fates allow
Hang a romance fic upon the highest bough.
And have yourself a Harry Ginny Christmas now.

Feel free to sing it whenever you like; however, if you do wish to at any time record and sell a CD containing this song, I would like a credit. Please. (That's 'Potter47' with two Ts, by the way.)

Also while hiding in the snowy plains of eastern Massachusetts, (or the hopefully-will-be-snowy plains of eastern Massachusetts, as the case may be) I have taken on an illustrator, named HJSnapePM. I do wonder if this is her birth name...perhaps she changed it at some point.

Anyway, she is (as of last report) hard at work on completing an illustrated version of the preceding HBPP. A link will be posted in a following HBPP when it is completed and on-line.

Once again, please review--you know, 'please review' is an anagram for 'we see veri pal' which of course means that you should say 'We see, veri pal of mine, that you have updated...it was sonderful!' in the review you are about to leave.

Off you get.