Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Potter47 Six
The Half Blood Prince Who Looked Rather Like an Old Lion

Harry Potter looked at the man in the compartment suspiciously. Harry had been boarding the Hogwarts Express, alone for no reason at all, and this man had followed him. Or had been following him. For somehow he had reached this compartment before Harry had.

"Who're you?" asked Harry suspiciously, taking a seat opposite the strange man. He looked rather like an old lion. There were streaks of grey in his mane of tawny hair and his bushy eyebrows; he had keen yellowish eyes behind a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles and a certain rangy, loping grace even though he walked with a slight limp. Harry had, of course, noticed the last little fact from before the man had sat down.

The man surveyed Harry calmly. The keen yellowish eyes behind the pair of wire-rimmed spectacles looked at him tranquilly as he spoke but one word: "Goat."

"What?" Harry was positive that he had heard wrong. "I'm positive that I heard wrong."

The man shook his head, his mane of tawny hair bouncing slightly as he did so. "Goat," he said once again.

Harry had no idea what to think, and as such thought something random: I wonder if it is a coincidence that 'H' and 'G' are next to each other in the alphabet. If not, why aren't, say, 'R' and 'L' next to each other? Or 'S' and 'G'?

"Goat," said the man reasonably.

"Is 'goat' your name?" asked Harry.

The man shook his head. "Goat."

"Is it some sort of code?" Ah, it seemed these were the magic words, as now the man said something different.

"Toga."

"Toga?" Harry echoed, just as perplexed as ever.

"Hello," said Luna Lovegood, walking into the compartment and sitting down next to the Goat Man who looked rather like an old lion. Ron walked in behind her, taking a seat next to Harry.

"

Who's he?" Ron asked, indicating the Goat Man. "He looks rather like an old lion."

"I haven't the faintest idea," said Harry, giving up trying to figure the Goat Man out. "All he's said is 'goat' and 'toga.'"

"Well obviously," said Hermione, entering the compartment and sitting on the Goat Man's other side; he did not react, "that's because 'goat' and 'toga' are anagrams of each other."

"Oh, of course," said Ron sarcastically. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"That's not why," said Luna dreamily.

"What?" said Hermione, peering around the Goat Man at her. "Then why did he say it?"

"He was trying to save a seat for him." Luna pointed at the doorway, where now stood a very sad looking goat, wearing a toga, who had just been down to see the witch with the cart about something to eat.

"Goat!" said the Goat Man happily, waving. The smile faded off his face as he realised that there was no more room for his friend. "Er...goat?" he said questioningly.

"Oh, of course," said Luna understandingly. "We'll just find somewhere else to sit."

And so she led the trio out into the corridor, leaving the goat and Goat Man to themselves.

"You gave up our seats to a goat?" said Hermione incredulously. "A goat with a toga? What did you do that for?"

"He asked politely."

"No he didn't!"

"Let's just find another compartment, all right?" Ron interjected. "Any of you hear about Seamus? He's coming in late this year..." said Ron changingthesubjectly, which is quite obviously not a word, though I think it has a bit of a ring to it, don't you?

--|--

The rest of the ride to Hogwarts passed uneventfully, just as it always does after the events are over. When they arrived at the station, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Luna, and Ginny, who had joined them when they changed compartments, had an uneventful ride up to the school in the thestral-pulled carriages. In fact, nothing eventful happened until after the sorting.

"Good morning Hogwarts," said Dumbledore delightfully-eccentrically, even though it was definitely no longer morning unless you lived on a very different part of the world which would make it very difficult for you to be in Hogwarts hearing Dumbledore say "Good morning Hogwarts" delightfully-eccentrically, eh?

"It's not morning, you crazy old coot!" exclaimed an unknown voice from one of the tables, which Dumbledore conveniently did not hear.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!" said Dumbledore, holding his arms out in greeting so that all the students could tell how very much Dumbledore wanted to give them all a hug.

"This year, I would like to announce a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher--oh, darn it all. I did this last year, didn't I?" Dumbledore asked, frowning. "And the year before that?"

The students nodded regretfully.

"And the year before that?"

The students nodded regretfully.

"And the year before that?"

The students nodded regretfully.

"And the year before that?"

The students nodded regretfully.

"And the year before that?"

The students nodded regretfully.

"And the year before that?"

The students nodde--

(Of course someone is about to interrupt because 'nodde' is not a word, is it?)

"No you didn't, you old coot!" interrupted the unknown voice, who liked to 'say' coot, even though the quotation marks should have been 'around' coot and not 'around' say, because that would 'imply' he didn't really like to say coot.

"I didn't?" Dumbledore asked confuzzledly which by now everyone should know is not a word, but should be.

"No, you old coot! The curse started with Quirrell, you old coot!" As you can see, the unknown voice did not only like to 'say' coot very much, but he liked to say 'coot' very much.

"Who are you, anyway?" squinted Dumbledore into the crowd, even though 'squinted' is not a way to speak and so Dumbledore could not have 'squinted' the words. "And why 'is' coot an anagram 'for' toco?"

"It is I!" said Unky-Voicy, standing up from the Gryffindor Table where he happened to be sitting next to Harry, who hadn't noticed and now jumped a foot in the air, conveniently landing on Ginny's lap. "Professor Saycoot!"

Professor Saycoot looked familiar to Harry for some strange reason. He looked rather like an old lion. There were streaks of grey in his mane of tawny hair and his bushy eyebrows; he had keen yellowish eyes behind a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles and a certain rangy, loping grace even though he walked with a slight limp.

How would I know?

wondered Harry. I've never seen him walk!

"Professor Saycoot!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "Welcome to Hogwarts! When did you get here?"

"In the past," said Professor Saycoot, marching towards the staff table. "Before this moment."

"But of course," said Dumbledore courteously.

"I OBJECT!" shouted a not-unknown-voice at the teachers' table. It was not-unknown because it was quite clear who had spoken. "I am the new Defence teacher, you impostor!"

Harry thought that the man who had jumped up at the teachers' table looked vaguely familiar. He looked rather like an old lion. There were streaks of grey in his mane of tawny hair and his bushy eyebrows; he had keen yellowish eyes behind a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles and a certain rangy, loping grace even though he walked with a slight limp.

"I am no impostor, you old coot!" said Professor Saycoot.

"Yes you are an impostor, impostor!"

"No, I'm not!"

"No, I am!" shouted a voice from the Slytherin table; it went unnoticed.

"Impostor!"

"Coot!"

"Impostor!"

"Coot!"

"Impostor--"

"Professor Sayimpostor!" said Dumbledore, jumping up to physically restrain the man at the teachers' table. "Professor Sayimpostor, are you saying that I've hired two Defence teachers by mistake?"

"No, I'm 'saying' impostor!" Sayimpostor said, snarling at Saycoot.

"Only an old coot could hire two Defence teachers by mistake," muttered Saycoot.

"Are you two related?" Dumbledore asked suddenly, rubbing his chin. "I sense a resemblance. In fact, do either of you know my brother Aberforth? You look just like him..."

"Coot!"

"Impostor!"

"Coot!"

"Impostor!"

"SILENCE!"

Everyone's gazes jumped from the argument by the teachers' table to the great Dubbledores--er...double doors, where a man was standing that Harry had never seen before, even though he looked uncannily familiar. He looked rather like an old lion. There were streaks of grey in his mane of tawny hair and his bushy eyebrows; he had keen yellowish eyes behind a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles and a certain rangy, loping grace even though he walked with a slight limp. In fact, he was walking with a slight limp right up towards Sayimpostor and Saycoot.

"Who the hell are you?" said Saycoot and Sayimpostor, before each adding a 'Coot!' and an "Impostor!" quietly.

"I'm yer friendly neighbourhood Spiderman o' course," said the Man sarcastically. Ron jumped up frenetically from his seat next to Harry and crawled quickly under the table, crying, "Spider--! Mummy!" softly and sucking his thumb frantically--("Honestly," said Hermione exasperatedly).

"-ly" word count in previous paragraph: eight.

"I'm Perfesser McClaggan o' course," said the Man--McClaggan, apparently--not-so-sarcastically.

"You can't be a professor, you old coot!" said Saycoot harshly.

"Yeah, you've got to be another impostor, impostor!" said Sayimpostor harsherly, which is not a word and I don't suppose anyone's ever used it before anyways, despite it meaning 'harsher than Saycoot because he's an impostor.'

"I'm not'n impostor anymore'n he's an ol' coot," said McClaggan, nodding towards Dumbledore.

"Than you are an impostor!" said Saycoot. "Most definitely!"

"Hey, you can't 'say' impostor!" said Sayimpostor. "That's my word!"

"Will you all just shut up?" demanded Professor Snape from the teachers' table, standing up suddenly, frustrated.

"Hey, he can't be a professor!" said Sayimpostor, pointing at Professor Snape. "Only I'm a professor!"

"I'm a professor too, you old coot," said Saycoot.

"There's more'n one perfesser in the worl'," said McClaggan.

"Why don't you just hurry up and say who the Half-Blood Prince is?" demanded Professor Snape from the teachers' table, impatient for the story to get along so he could return to his quarters. He had a very large collection in fact, of American quarters; one of the largest in all of England, even though they were in Scotland, because both are part of the UK, along with Northern Ireland, though none of which are nearly as unpleasant nor geographically intimidating as Greenland. "We all know it's got to be one of you three."

"The Half Blood Prince?" said Saycoot.

"The Half-Blood Prince?" said McClaggin.

"Who in the world is the Half Blood Prince?" said Sayimpostor, glaring at the so-called impostors.

"Oh, don't you two read?" said Snape exasperatedly.

"There's three o' us!" said McClaggan.

"The Half-Blood Prince is supposed to--" began Snape, only to be cut off by--

"Look!" said Luna Lovegood. "It's a singing troupe of Snorkacks! Where's my camera?"

Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-do!
I've got another puzzle for you!
Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-da-dee!
Who in the world could the Half Blood Prince be--

"Hold it! Hold it!" cried Remus Lupin, charging into the Great Hall unexpectedly. "Snorkacks! Out! You were last chapter!" The Snorkacks coloured deeply, though of course it was difficult to tell with all the orange, and hurried out of the Hall. "Hustle, hustle," said Lupin shooing the last one out. "Excuse us," he apologised to the crowd.

"As I was saying," continued Snape, glaring at the closing double doors, "the Half-Blood Prince is supposed to--"

"Look at the time!" interrupted Dumbledore. "Off to bed with the lot of you!"

--|--

Over the next weeks, there was more than a bit of confusion to do with the three Defence teachers, which is of course the understatement of the century. However, I will pass over these bits of confusion in silence because they would become very boring.

Harry was getting quite bored of the constant confusion of having the three Defence teachers. His head often felt very heavy because of it, or perhaps it was because of the anvil-shaped-bubble-gum-coloured hat he'd received from a mysterious sender known only as "V". He was quite sure it was Violet Beauregarde, but Hermione persisted that she was a fictional character. Luna had wondered what that had to do with anything.

"You never know," said Luna. "We all might really be fictional characters. Who knows, we could have been written by some Scottish lady and maybe we've even made her richer than the Queen."

"Yeah, right..." said Hermione sarcastically.

Days went by, and then more weeks, and still Dumbledore could not resolve the issue. Each teacher fought tooth-and-nail for the position, and none would give in. And no one heard any more of the Half Blood Prince that Snape had mentioned (nor the Half-Blood Prince), either.

Finally, the issue was brought up once again, by a mysterious arrival at Hogwarts.

"Who the hell are you, you old coot?" demanded Saycoot suspiciously, when the Great Hall double doors burst open at dinner, revealing the dark shape of a man.

"He's an impostor!" shouted Sayimpostor. "Surely he must be!"

"Perhaps we should jus' ask 'is name 'fore we call 'im mean ones," reasoned McClaggan reasonably, which is repetitive and unnecessary and an adverb.

The figure walked into the Great Hall slowly, dramatically, and so that his face remained in shadow for as long as possible.

"Who are you?" asked Dumbledore, standing up from his chair at the teachers' table. As the man continued walking, his appearance became clear. He looked rather like an old lion. There were streaks of grey in his mane of tawny hair and his bushy eyebrows; he had keen yellowish eyes behind a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles and a certain rangy, loping grace even though he walked with a slight limp. "What are you doing in Hogwarts?"

"It is I," said the man, who Harry thought looked rather familiar for some reason.

"Well tha's not very helpful, is it?" said McClaggan, who must have at least one apostropheed word in each of his sentences, to indicate his accent. "How shou' we know who 'I' is?"

"You are Professor McClaggan," said the man. "And I am--"

"--an old coot!"

"--an impostor!"

"--a blue dolphin!"

"--the Half Blood formerly known as Prince," completed the Half-Blood formerly known as Prince.

"Gasp!" gasped Hermione.

"What?" said everyone else, turning to Hermione so that she got the attention Steve Kloves thought she deserved.

"He must be the Half Blood Prince that Professor Snape was talking about!" she shouted, pointing at the Half-Blood formerly known as Prince.

"What?" said the Half Blood formerly known as Prince. "Who the hell is the Half-Blood Prince?"

"You are, obviously!" said Hermione. "It all fits!"

"What all fits?" said the Half Blood formerly known as Prince. "I'm not a Half-Blood Prince! Didn't you hear me say that I'm the Half Blood formerly known as Prince? How could I be the Half-Blood Prince then, eh?"

"Er..." said Hermione in a very un-Hermione-like way. "I hadn't thought of that..."

"The Half Blood Prince?" said a voice from the Gryffindor Table confuzzledly. Everyone in the Hall looked at the voice, even though it is rather difficult to look at a voice, so they actually looked at the body of the person who had spoken. It was Seamus Finnigan. Harry thought he looked similar, which is reasonable, as he had shared the same dormitory as Harry for quite a long time. He didn't really look like an aging feline of any sort, in Harry's opinion. There weren't any streaks of grey in his sandy hair--possibly because he was only sixteen and hadn't had any traumatic life-experiences--and his bushy eyebrows weren't bushy in the least. He had angry, bluish eyes, not obscured by a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles, and he walked perfectly normally, or at least he would have if he had been walking.

"Yes, the Half-Blood Prince," said Dumbledore, nodding. "Do you know anything about him?"

"Of course I do, you idiots!" Seamus shouted, standing up. "I'm the Half Blood Prince. Why didn't I know you were trying to figure out who it was? I'd have told you right off, you stupid people!"

All the faces in the hall looked at each other silently, judging this announcement mentally. Saycoot looked at Sayimpostor who looked at McClaggan who looked at the Half-Blood formerly known as Prince, who looked at Harry Potter simply because he's the main character.

"Oh."

Finis

News from the Half Blood Prince News Network magiticker:

HBPNN

JKR allegedly told a fan at the Edinburgh Book Festival that the Half-Blood Prince is not, as many have believed, Rubeus Hagrid. This news is unconfirmed. HBPNN Bloomsbury has recently confirmed that the title "Half-Blood Prince" will indeed include a hyphen in the English editions. HBPNN Potter47 adds hyphen to the title "Half-Blood Prince" on Sink Into Your Eyes, causing uproar on FictionAlley. HBPNN The Half-Blood formerly known as Prince is known as Prince once again. HBPNN Lemony Snicket's THE GRIM GROTTO has been released, leading to rumours of Count Olaf being the Half-Blood Prince. HBPNN Former HBPPN executive Po Turforti-Seén found guilty of embezzlement and fraud HBPNN "Confuzzled" is introduced to Obscurus Books', "The Wizard's Dictionary." HBPNN Potter47 sighted at King Richard's Fair in Massachusetts, brandishing a long wooden sword; it is unknown at this time whether he was researching a future HBPP or simply thumping his little brother over the head HBPNN JKR allegedly told a fan at the Edinburgh Book Festival that the Half-Blood Prince is not, as many have believed, Rubeus Hagrid. This news in unconfirmed. HBPNN