Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
Potter47 Five
The Half Blood Prince and the Chocolate Factory

"Hello, class," said Professor Lupin, on the first day of class. "As you can see, I have been reinstated as Defence Against the Dark Arts professor..."

"But sir!" exclaimed Hermione, hand shooting up into the air.

"Yes, Miss Granger?" Professor Lupin called on her politely.

"You resigned after our third year because you are a werewolf!" said Hermione, scandalised. "How has this suddenly been resolved?"

"Oh, it hasn't," said Professor Lupin lightly, shaking his head. "Either Professor Snape came up with a cure, or no one cares anymore. But for the purposes of this story, it really doesn't matter."

"Oh," said Hermione.

"Now," said Professor Lupin, turning back to the class. "Which of you can guess why I've decided to come back to teach?"

Several hands shot up into the air.

"Because you're the best Defence teacher we've had?" Ron offered.

"Hey!" said Harry, smacking Ron over the head, out-of-character-ally thinking himself a better Defence teacher.

"Sorry."

"Because you thought you would be a benefit to the teaching staff?" Hermione suggested.

"Because...I forgot. What was the question?" Neville said, scratching his head.

"Because you wanted to eat us!" called an unknown voice from the back of the room.

Professor Lupin shook his head, chuckling. "All good guesses, but none correct. The real reason I've returned is because I ran out of chocolate and had no way to pay for more."

"Ah," said the class understandingly, even though the previous statement is going to be dreadfully contradicted in the coming pages.

"For the first class of the year, I've decided to have a class discussion," Proffessor Lupin said, despite there only being one 'f' in 'professor.'

"About what?" asked Hermione.

"You'll see," Lupin said, smiling. "But first I'd like to tell you a Promise." And even though it would seem as though 'promise' should begin with a lowercase letter, it actually was not grammatically incorrect. He took a little piece of something out his pocket and unwrapped it. He popped the little piece of something (which was actually chocolate, though the students couldn't tell) into his mouth, and read from the inside of the shiny wrapper: "Inspire the life of a child. Isn't that profound?"

"Very much so," said the class. "That was very much profound. But was it really a promise?"

"Yes!" informed Professor Lupin, "And I've got another, too!"

"Yay!" said the class.

Lupin took another chocolate from his robes and ate it and read: "Enjoy good chocolates with good friends. Isn't that profound, too?"

"Er..." said the class. "Not exactly, and it's not a promise either."

"I just knew you'd think so too!" said Lupin, ignoring them, and eating another chocolate.

It went on in this manner for quite a while, and Profeesor Lupin (which is actually spelt with only one 'e' as well), stopped only he ran out of chocolates.

"Well, we'll have to get some more, won't we?" asked Lupin with a wolfish grin--um. Yes. Well. Right...

"Yeah," said the class without much enthusiasm.

"What was that?" said Lupin disbelievingly. "Do none of you want to go to a chocolate factory?" He could not believe such an unbelievable thing to believe, which makes very little sense at first yet is entirely logical.

"I would," said Chocolate Boy eagerly, or at least he would have if there was someone named 'Chocolate Boy' in Hogwarts.

"Well, that imaginary agreement's enough for me," said Lupin. "It's a field trip!"

--|--

And so the class all touched a Portkey--"That cannot possibly have been authorised!" said Hermione, scandalised--and were transported to--

"An unknown city in an unknown country--possibly the United States--in which a giant chocolate factory exists!"

"You know," said Harry, getting up from the ground of the unknown city in an unknown country--possibly the United States--in which a giant chocolate factory exists because whenever you take a Portkey you must fall on your bottom, "you're not very in character," he told Lupin.

"Yes, but I do like chocolate very, very much so does it matter?"

"I guess not."

"So who owns this chocolate factory anyway?" inquired Hermione suspiciously, though there really was no reason to be suspicious.

"It's my own private stash," informed Lupin sneakily.

"Couldn't we just go to Honeydukes?" asked Ron, who always was up to going to Honeydukes.

"Yes, but that would be far too simple. Remember that time we walked through the Forbidden Forest to find Hedwig only to have her fly into the next season, Harry?" Harry nodded. "Well, that was entirely unnecessary, as we simply could have gone to the Owlery if we wanted to see her for a moment, and then she still could have flown to the next season if she so wished. But it didn't happen like that. It's more fun to venture into the Forbidden Forest. This is like that."

"Oh," said Ron understandingly.

Lupin muttered some words that Harry couldn't hear, because I didn't want to bother coming up with a spell that unlocked gates, to unlock the gates.

The gates unlocked.

"Follow me, class."

The class followed him across a long, angled red carpet towards the brown door. And then Lupin knocked on the door.

"Password?" said a voice from within the factory.

"Half Baked Pastille!" said Lupin.

"What?" asked Harry confusedly.

"Half Baked Pastille, Harry," repeated Lupin. "It's the password, because the initials are the same as--"

"Finally!" said the voice, opening the door. "I thought you'd never come back, it's been so long!" Yes, it is rather difficult for a voice to open a door, unless the door liked a particular genre of classical music. Or is classical music a genre itself? Oh, I've never liked words that look like they should rhyme with 'Henry' but really rhyme with...'honra,' which is not a word, and should stay that way.

"I'd never not come back, as long as there is chocolate on the earth!" said Lupin reassuringly to the voice, not even noticing his use of a double negative.

Lupin walked through the door, leaving it open for the class to enter. When they did, however, everyone instantly vanished except for Harry, Hermione, Lavender Brown, and Lupin. In the stead of the other students appeared two of Harry's least favourite people with 'D' names: Dudley Dursley and Draco Malfoy. Three out of four 'D' names isn't a very bad ratio, is it?

"WHAT AM I DOING HERE--" shouted Dudley, who was quickly silenced by seeing the lollypop that was now in Lupin's hand. "WANT!"

"If it isn't Potter, Granger and--Brown?" Malfoy looked confuzzled. "Since when do you hang out with Brown? And what am I doing here?"

"How unfortunate..." said Lupin, taking a lick of his lolly, which for some reason does not seem to be a word. Can't imagine why. After all, it should be. "It seems we only have five children left...would you lick--I mean, like--a golden ticket?" He pulled a bunch of what looked like candy wrappers from his purple pocket. Harry noticed that he was now wearing a purple jacket and an orange top hat, for some reason.

"Sure."

Lupin handed one to each of them. They read:

I SURVIVED THE FRONT DOOR! YAY!

"Cool," said Harry. He would have said 'rad' except he wasn't a twenty-four- nor seventeen-year-old singer/songwriter impersonating himself, and he wouldn't call a two-person band 'Harry and the Potters' because that is simply illogical, you see. Also 'rad' is not a real word and I've never used it so I'm not the person to ask whether it should be or not.

"Hats, coats, galoshes, over here," said Lupin, leading the five past a room with various places to hang clothing.

"We're not wearing galoshes," said Malfoy. "Why would we be?" Harry wondered if anyone ever said 'galosh' by itself; it just sounded wrong, you know?

"Follow me, children," said Lupin, ignoring Malfoy as he led the way towards a giant piece of parchment. "So much time and so little to see. Wait! Scratch that--reverse it.

"Sugarquill?" Lupin offered once they reached the parchment, holding one out for each of the children, who were actually teenagers but what adult ever differentiates, anyway?

"No, I hate that place," said Hermione scathingly. "What a silly pairing, don't you think--oh! You mean the candy..."

"Please sign this parchment. I will not explain why, because then Mister Malfoy would have his father sue me for every Knut I have, even from jail. You can ignore that sentence if you like."

"OK," said the children.

"Here, use some chocolate ink."

They all signed their names on the giant parchment that began with something saying that the management could not be held responsible for any accidents, incidents, loss of property or life, yadda yadda yadda.

"On we go!" said Lupin excitedly.

They made their way down a set of stairs up into what seemed to be a courtyard. Dudley nearly fell over from delight when he saw this new place.

Everything was made of....of...well, I would say 'sweets' but that wouldn't include chocolate in England, and I assure you there is plenty of chocolate in England.

Well, suffice to say everything was eatable. Edible. Hey, 'eatable' is actually a word! Who'd have thought?

But why does everybody say 'edible?'

wondered Harry. It is discrimination between words, I tell you! There should be a law against it!

Everybody drifted towards the sweets and/or chocolates that they enjoyed most, and away from those that they disliked most. Harry found a waterfall of Orange Crush, but stayed as far away from the pumpkin pie as possible. Hermione drifted away from the Sugarquills in favour of the Cauldron Cakes. Malfoy chose the best looking green candy there was, leaving the ugly red stuff to rot. Lavender ate some Irish chocolate, if they make chocolate in Ireland. And Dudley practically attacked the--

"NO! NOT THE BUTTONS! NOT THE GUMDROP BUTTONS!" exclaimed Lupin.

But it was too late. As soon as Dudley had taken a giant gumdrop button off of a giant gingerbread man, he disappeared instantly.

"Of all the sweets in here, he has to pick the gumdrop buttons! They're my Portkeys to Greenland! Now how is he going to get back to eat some chocolate?" He snapped his fingers.

Suddenly, what seemed to be a House-Elf with orange face-paint and horns appeared next to Lupin. It looked at him questioningly. "Would you please try to retrieve the Dursley boy from Greenland as soon as possible? He's liable to catch his death if he doesn't get out of the cold climate soon." The creature nodded and disappeared with a crack!

"You've got House-Elves working for you?" demanded Hermione, scandalised. "How dare you!"

"Oh, dear me, Hermione, they aren't House-Elves. They're Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. You see the little horns? How they're crumpled? Yes, I rescued the whole population from the Blibbering Humdingers in Sweden. They make excellent workers. And they're wonderful singers as well."

And so they were. A group of seven or eight Snorkacks began to sing from across the river of Orange Crush.

Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-do!
I've got a perfect puzzle for you!
Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-da-dee!
If you are wise you'll listen to me!

What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as a Humdinger eats?
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What will you pull out of that hat?

I don't like the look of it.

Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-da!
If you're not Dursley, you will go far!
You will live in happiness too!
Like the Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-do!

Crumple-dee-do!

The Snorkacks disappeared into the air.

"Bravo!" said Lupin. "Well, I've got enough chocolate for a while. Now we just have to get out!"

"Can't we just go back the same way we came in?" suggested Hermione logically.

"Oh, no, we've got to go forward to go back," said Lupin, shaking his head. "Onto the S.S. Wolfstar!"

"WHAT?" demanded Hermione, once again scandalised. "THAT'S SLASH!"

"Would you prefer the Good Ship?" suggested Lupin, brandishing his lollypop threateningly.

Hermione gulped. "Er--no. Slash is fine with me."

The remaining four children boarded the Wolfstar to be confronted with not-very-pleasant fan arts having to do with a certain professor and his late 'friend' Snuffles. The boat began to go faster and faster and the faster it went the more graphic the fan art became. Harry had to shield his eyes eventually.

"Stop the boat!" Lupin exclaimed eventually, and the Sirius/Remus fan art abruptly stopped, along with the S.S. Wolfstar. Harry and the others got off as quickly as possible.

"Well that wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been," drawled Malfoy unnecessarily. "I mean, if you're going to 'ship slash, at least make it--"

"Yes?" snapped Harry harshly, glaring.

"Never mind."

"We'll have to go through storeroom number 12," said Lupin. "We'll be out of here in a Jif."

"Don't you mean 'jiffy?'" asked Hermione.

"I meant what I said."

And so he did; for the door on the opposite side of storeroom number 12 was indeed a jar of peanut butter and they did in fact have to go in it to get out.

Unfortunately, it seemed Lavender was allergic to peanut butter.

"I'm allergic to peanut butter!" Lavender exclaimed.

"How unfortunate," said Lupin.

Soon Lavender was turning--for no explainable reason--lavender. No one had ever before turned lavender from an allergic reaction to peanut butter because there is no lavender in peanut butter, but Lavender did it just the same. Her face turned lavender, her ears turned lavender, and the rest of her turned lavender.

"Lavender, you're turnng lavender, Lavender!" exclamed Hermone or at least she would have, had there was no such thng as the letter 'i'.

And Lavender started to become round, like a cylinder. Eventually, she had become a giant, lavender jar of peanut butter and had to be rolled out by a group of Snorkacks, who sang as they did so.

Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-do!
I've got another puzzle for you!
Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-da-dee!
If you are wise you'll listen to me!

Peanut butter's fine when you're not allergic
Simply put, you don't want to get sick,
Now you look rounder, taller and long,
Much like a barrel from Donkey Kong!

Now you'll roll right off the screen!

Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-da!
If you're not allergic, you will go far!
You will live in happiness too!
Like the Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-do!

"Shall we roll on?" asked Lupin when the Snorkacks finished taking Lavender Merlin-knows-where. "We do seem to be unlucky, don't we? Two unimportant characters gone, three important characters left...

"Which way now?" Lupin wondered aloud, rubbing his chin. "Snozzberries or--"

"Snozzberries?" Hermione repeated. "Whoever heard of a snozzberry?"

"No, let's go the other way...come along!" said Lupin, walking off down a side corridor.

"What about the snozzberries? I want one! Now!" exclaimed Hermione in a bit of out-of-character-ness.

They walked into a room from which two corridors diverged; right and left. Above the left door was an 'M' above the right a 'BK'.

"Left!" instructed Lupin, but Hermione hung back.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I am your teacher and--"

"And you've gotten two kids lost already. I'll take my chances with 'BK,' thanks," she said.

"No. Don't," said Lupin without emotion, making no move to stop her.

Taking a step towards the right, a trapdoor opened beneath her and she fell through it, flailing.

Lupin shook his head wistfully. "Why does she always have to have it her way?"

More Snorkacks began singing. Harry was beginning to tap his foot without realising it.

Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-do!
I've got another puzzle for you!
Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-da-dee!
If you are wise you'll listen to me!

Never choose a Whopper over a Big Mac,
What do they do, to make it taste like that?
You shouldn't try to be a know-it-all,
Or you just might have a great fall!

Just like Humpty Dumpty did!

Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-da!
If you can give in, you will go far!
You will live in happiness too!
Like the Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-do!

"They're losing their touch, aren't they?" said Malfoy. "The lyrics go downhill with each one...and what's a Big Mac?"

Following a delightful, malnutrition-filled meal, the three departed from the McDonalds hallway in search of the exit.

"I know we're getting close," said Lupin reassuringly. "Let's just go through the Ferret Room, and--"

"Ferret Room?" echoed Malfoy. "That sounds suspicious."

"Oh, believe me, Mr Malfoy, it isn't suspicious. You are of it, but it isn't on its own."

The Ferret Room was exactly what it sounded like; a room full of ferrets. Sadly, as soon as the female ferrets saw Malfoy, they practically attacked him. One even got hold of his wand.

I assume you can imagine what happened next.

Somehow, the she-ferrets managed to turn Malfoy into one of their own, and he was instantly unrecognisable. Harry laughed harder than he had since long before Sirius had died, which had been just about forgotten completely in this story, save the brief mention while aboard the Wolfstar.

The Snorkacks appeared magically once again and began to search the ferrets for Malfoy. Harry hadn't the slightest clue how they were supposed to know which one he was. The Snorkacks sang while they searched.

Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-do!
I've got another puzzle for you!
Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-da-dee!
If you are wise you'll listen to me!

What do you get when you are really mean?
A pain in the neck and an IQ of three!
Why don't you care not about looks?
Why can't you judge a cover by its book?

It's what is inside that counts!

Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-da!
Having a heart will help you go far!
You will live in happiness too!
Like the Snorkack, Ork! Ack! Crumple-dee-do!

"Man, those are getting worse and worse," said Harry, agreeing with Malfoy for the first time in his life.

"Looks like it's just you and me, Harry," said Lupin cheerfully. "And as it is...there's something I have to tell you."

Lupin faced Harry, his hand in his jacket pocket. He pulled out a Promise and handed it to Harry.

"What's this?" Harry asked.

"Open it," said Lupin, nodding to the shiny red-wrapped chocolate.

Harry unwrapped it and popped the chocolate into his mouth. He flattened out the wrapper and read off the back:

I AM THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE

"What?" Harry said bewilderedly. "What's the Half-Blood Prince?"

"I am, Harry," said Lupin. "And you passed the test. When I die, you'll become the Half-Blood Prince."

"But what is the Half-Blood Prince?" Harry repeated.

"The Half-Blood Prince runs this factory. The Half-Blood Prince runs Greenland. The Half-Blood Prince gets all the candy he wants!"

"Oh," said Harry. "I guess that's cool."

And so it was revealed that Remus Lupin was the Half Blood Prince, which according to Scholastic has a hyphen but according to JKR does not. Harry never did return to school. He was too busy preparing to run the chocolate factory. And as such, there was one incredibly angry Potions Master at Hogwarts.

"ONE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" shouted Professor Snape, because he could, though Harry couldn't hear him, because Harry was in an unknown city in an unknown country--possibly the United States--in which a giant chocolate factory exists.

~ Finis ~ Author's Note: There will be no author's note on this chapter.