The Harry Potter Epilogue

Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle: Everybody graduated from Hogwarts- even Crabbe and Goyle, but they left with such low grades that they were fit for no other job than Wizarding Garbagemen. Now, Wizarding Garbagemen are nothing like the Muggle type. Muggle garbagemen throw your rubbish into a landfill, unlike wizard ones, who actually eat your garbage. Very few people are fit for this job, because it requires one to eat anything and everything (and I literally mean everything).

Unfortunately on their first day on the job, they were hit by their own truck. It was a beautiful autumn day, and Crabbe and Goyle were enjoying a lovely meal of potato peels, chicken bones and off-yoghurt, when their truck started rolling down the hill (they forgot to put the brakes on). Their last living moments were happy ones. I'm sure that we will all miss them dearly.

The Dursleys: Harry's fat blob of a cousin - Dudley - grew up to be the third largest (or should I say - fattest) man in the northern hemisphere. This proved to be quite a feat. But, of course, his mother Petunia couldn't bear to see her little Dudikins eat himself to death. So, hoping for miraculous results, she put him on fat-buster pills. It didn't work - he ended up choking on one.

When he was transported to the ER, the doctors couldn't identify anything to be his neck so they had to give him liposuction to save his life. Unfortunately, they sucked too much out of him. Now, if you're ever walking down the streets of London, make sure to keep an eye out for a very short but ultra skinny man, and be very careful not to 'oink' anywhere near him. It will insult him greatly.

Petunia was overwhelmed with guilt, how can one nearly kill their own son on fat-buster pills and not feel guilty? Well, she spent the rest of her pathetic life in her house, dusting and cooking. Her favourite hobby of listening to the neighbours conversations went to the extreme. She stretched her neck so far that she pulled all the muscles, causing her so much pain that she collapsed on the floor. She lay there all day.

When Vernon Dursley came home he accidentally walked on top of her and the rest of the bones in her body broke. Because he was so heavy, he tripped over her and fell through the floor and he fell into a state of unconsciousness. These terrible fates would never have come to the Dursley family if they had only been nicer to our hero, Harry Potter.

Winky the House-elf: Winky, the poor thing, never managed to get over the loss of her master - Bartemius Crouch. Dumbledore felt that she would be in serious trouble if she kept on drinking herself silly so to help her, he sent her to Alcoholics Anonymous for the Magical. She was such a serious case however, that they sent her to rehab for five years. Towards the end of her fifth, she tried to escape, yet as she was climbing over the hedge fence, a stray bludger hit her in the head. Whilst she was knocked out, she dreamt that she was with Mr. Crouch again. He told her that she was a very good house elf and that she should move on, rather than dwell on the past.

When Winky awoke she was back in the rehab centre. She improved remarkably and was released after a mere week. When she was let back into the real world, she decided to go in search for Dobby - he had helped her the entire time that she was at Hogwarts after all. When she finally found him, she saw that Dobby was working for the Weasleys, but to her surprise, he was working for free! She could see that there was far too much work for Dobby to do all by himself, and she had nothing better to do, so she decided to work for the Weasleys alongside her elf companion.

Sybill Trelawney: Professor Trelawney foresaw her last prediction - her death. The stars 'informed' her that her ill-fated passing away was to be on April 13th. When April 13th came and went and she was still alive, Trelawney finally realized that she was a fraud. She left Hogwarts and moved to the Australian Outback, where she became a hermit on 450 knoll, living in one of the stick tepees that the 2002 Howqua girls made (see, she happened to move to the one inhabited area of the outback, where a boarding school for girls was positioned. The idiot).

One day, Mr Greetham, a vain blonde-haired teacher at the boarding school, was walking along when he spotted her. Because they were both so sex deprived, they got it on without much hesitation. He of course, being the heart breaker that he was, left her to rot. The poor, poor woman.

Baby Norbert and Rubeus Hagrid: Remember the baby dragon that Hagrid adopted - Norbert? Of course you do! When he was sent to the dragon colony, he (unbeknownst to Hagrid) was the one to bully all the other dragons. To Hagrid's amazement, he received a letter twenty years after Norbert's departure, stating that he had grown to be the biggest Norwegian Ridgeback ever.

Hagrid was overjoyed, but the Ministry of Magic were very pissed off. How in the world could they hide a dragon the size of the Eiffel Tower? They considered simply putting him down, but this action seemed a little rash, so they sent him instead to the Colony of Very Overgrown Dragons in the Sky.

He fit in perfectly. The Ministry now believe the reason he grew to this size was because of the brandy Hagrid fed him, it was some pretty powerful stuff. Norbert lived to the very young age of twenty-seven years (again, they believe it was because of the brandy). They had a beautiful funeral in his name where Hagrid, coincidentally, made a beautiful speech. So beautiful, in fact, that it has been recorded. You now can read it in The Most Beautiful Speeches Ever Presented during Funerals_© by Will Nevadie, page 174.

Percy Weasley: Percy was eventually forgiven for his selfishness and disloyalty towards his family. He started up his own business (three guesses as to what it was). Yep, you got it - he opened up his own cauldron shop. After ensuring a lifetime guarantee that his cauldrons would never leak, his shop soon went bankrupt. He had to repay all of his customers, because everybody knows that there is no such thing as a non-leaking cauldron.

He lived on the streets for three months, before he came crawling on hands and knees to his two younger twin brothers. Fred and George took pity on their brother; they each threw a pie into his face and then suggested that he take on the role of being their accountant.

There was a dress code albeit: he could pretty much wear whatever he wanted, so long as he included a red nose and a water-squirting-flower (in the breast pocket preferably). Percy continues to work as an accountant for his dear twin brothers today (I actually don't know why; next time I see him I'll ask, but just for you).

The Whomping Willow: The Whomping Willow, as most of you should know, was a tree - a very, very old tree. Luckily for these types of trees, they don't die of old age but instead, ripen and flourish as the years go by (I wish I was a tree). Contrary to this somewhat optimistic factor, the Whomping Willow actually lead a very sad life. Its tendency to thrash about madly on a regular basis gave it quite a reputation. Birds and squirrels were all too scared to make nests and homes in its unpredictably moody branches, thus leaving the poor tree all on its lonesome for many, many years.

So, many, many years later, Dumbledore and Professor Sprout were walking through the grounds. They took one rueful look at our pal, Whompy, and decided to get it a lover to fight with. They planted another Whomping Willow a couple meters from the original, and they now have fights so brutal that they're considered by some to be in the same league as the World Wars.

Last time I saw the two trees, Whompy was hurling a grand piano (don't ask me how he got it) at his beloved, flailing, Whompiette (I didn't hang around long enough to see the result...sorry, but I wanted to keep my head). Ah, sweet love.

Viktor Krum: After being turned down by Hermione, Victor Krum decided to live the rest of his life alone. He became a workaholic, but it was all right for him because he was still on the Bulgarian Quidditch team. His lifelong ambition was to have a Quidditch move named after him (like a Wronski Feint but better). He found the perfect move to be named after him, but whilst preforming it he managed to fall off his broom (how embarrassing), and break his nose for the 31^st time.

When it healed, it became so deformed (think Michael Jackson) that he couldn't breathe out of the left nostril anymore. It was quite a disturbing sight. However, much to Krum's delight, this deformity worked to his advantage on the Quidditch pitch. When the other seekers saw him, they were so disgusted that they flew as far from him as they could. This meant, of course, that he generally caught the snitch every game (except for when he played against Harry). Harry was so used to seeing ugly and deformed people in his life that it had no effect on him. And besides, Harry is the better seeker anyway!

Draco Malfoy: Okay. I'm sure that all of the fan fiction readers out there actually believe that Draco is super hot/fit/devilishly good-looking/sex-god material. But really, if you cared about what the canon had to say at all, you would find that he's quite the opposite. In a word - fugly. Being the intelligent wizard that he was, he got his face reconstructed to look like Tom Felton's (surprise, surprise). He was nearly sent to Azkaban by the Ministry (for false identity), but Harry, his greatest enemy, stepped in and saved his puny ass (he had special influence over the Ministry, and a secret soft spot for the boy who made his life hell).

Draco went through a very hard time in his life, especially the day Crabbe and Goyle died (damn those 'faulty breaks'). He made a beautiful speech at their funeral, but unfortunately didn't make it into The Most Beautiful Speeches Ever Presented during Funerals_© on account of Hagrid. He never forgave him for beating him, until he suddenly decided (after dreaming about that strange house-elf Winky) that one should not dwell on the past.

He moved to Giza in Egypt, and built a hospital on top of the Sphinx (for all those unfortunate pregnant tourists who can't wait to finally give birth). Draco redeemed himself over time, and because of his face reconstruction he managed to marry a supermodel. Together they lived happily ever after in his enormous mansion on top of the Pyramid of Giza (take that, Hagrid!).

Dobby the House-elf: This character ended up coming out of his character (if you understood what I just said, please raise your hand and say aye). Dobby, the house-elf decided that he was sick of working for Dumbledore. He was, of course, forever in Harry's debt, so he followed him around for a while (a while for him, an eternity for everyone else). Harry, being the little goody-goody that he was, told him plainly to bugger off, but after many failed efforts to get rid of him, he soon gained another idea.

Harry convinced Dobby to allow the Weasleys to be his masters. Mrs. Weasley was having so much trouble looking after her children and on top of that she was constantly cooking for the Order of the Phoenix (they are all such picky eaters. For example, Tonks refuses to eat anything that is yellow, whilst Mundungus is allergic to nuts and anything with lettuce in it. She had to create a strict diet for all the members, except Moody of course, who only ate his own food [the paranoid bastard]).

Dobby decided to give the Weasleys a hand. Besides, the Weasleys were the Malfoys' worst enemies, next to Harry Potter, of course (and the Malfoys were a bunch of pretentious pricks that all strutted around together with wands stuck up their derrieres). Anyhow, Dobby served the Weasleys for many years up until Arthur and Molly went into retirement, so he moved on to helping Fred and George with their glorious joke shop (Winky stayed with the ageing Weasleys and cared for them, which meant the Weasley children had to do squat). After this I lost track of Dobby, so I don't know what else happened to him. Actually, I lied. The last I heard of him was five minutes ago. One of the twins' pranks went wrong, and turned Dobby into a jack-in-the-box. I swear, it's true!

Neville Longbottom: Neville... what can I say about Neville? When he reached the age of 21 he lost a lot of weight. He didn't do it the proper way, by eating healthily and exercising. He definitely didn't magic it all away (if he had tried he might have blown himself up, or turned purple, or something). No, he became a fruitarian and just wasted away (didn't you know that plants have feelings too).

Eventually he opened his own store - The Greenhouse. It became so successful that he got into Witch Weekly's hall of Most Fabulous shops and Dumbledore, who read the issue (he had a subscription), decided to hire Neville as the new Herbology professor (Professor Flitwick was fired pretty much straight away, he was a squeaky-voiced, ugly little gimp anyway).

Whilst teaching at Hogwarts, Neville decided that he was sick of only eating rotten fruit and vegetables. One day at dinner he was sitting in front of a large beef roast - his mouth watering and frothing up at the same time. He couldn't resist, so he ate every bite but threw it all up afterwards (how depressing).

Thanks to the Wizard Kiddie Helpline, he now eats in proportions and even occasionally exercises. The most amazing thing he did with his life was finding a natural way of living to the age of 247. He grew an unidentified species of plant whose magical powers enabled him to survive well past the expected death-age for wizards. He had an awfully interesting life, don't you think?

Lee Jordan: Lee always knew what he wanted to do with his life, ever since his first year at Hogwarts. He wanted to be a Quidditch commentator. There is a serious lack of Quidditch commentators in the world (seems to be because of the great fear of 'stray' bludgers being constantly aimed at them, but that's another matter), so as you can imagine, the Department of Magical Games and Sports in the Ministry were ecstatic to have him. He commentated for all the major Quidditch events, locally and internationally. Eventually, though, Lee was forced into retirement at the ripe age of ninety-eight. The Ministry's excuse was that he was unable to keep up with the speed of the brooms. Personally, I don't think that that is a good enough excuse, considering no normal person can see what's going on except for the random blur of colour when the players fly two feet in front of your face.

Fleur Delacour: This fate was inevitable for Fleur. She did come back to Hogwarts and she did learn to speak proper English, but the most defining moment of her life was when she was assisting Professor Flitwick in his Charms class, and a stray charm (from a stupid, stupid student) flew her way and hit her square in the face. Fortunately it wasn't a nasty spell, but instead a beauty charm (you'd think all that extra beauty would cancel to vulgar ugliness but it didn't, it just didn't).

Strictly by chance of course, Colin Creevey happened to be just 'walking by', and managed to get a snapshot of the extra gorgeous Fleur. He sent it into Witch Weekly (the little weasel). They were blown away and without haste gave her the job as their cover-girl. This was the starting point of Fleur's successful career.

She is now known all over the world (Kate Moss Style), and has since developed her own clothing line, perfume, handbags, make-up, hair care range and shoe range. They are all called Innocently Fleur_© and she has become every young witch's role model (with exception to those intellectual types...although she did confuse them when she got a teaching degree, and became the Charms Professor and principle of her own chool called Innoxius Flor Floris, which just means Innocently Fleur [anything in Latin sounds deep]). So, this proves it; all you need in life is a brain, some really good lip gloss and a 'stray' beauty charm to hit you in the face.

Stan Shunpike: Would you believe it but Stan, that pimple faced Knight Bus boy, became one of the richest wizards in Britain! You want to know how? Of course you do. Well, witches and wizards never thought pimples, warts and other such blemishes were unattractive (except for Ron, who spent too much time with Muggles anyway). Throughout one's lifetime, the larger the wart on your nose, the more powerful you were thought to be.

But poor Stan had such bad acne that he couldn't stand it anymore (come on, how on earth is a guy supposed to pick up girls when he has enough oil on his face to fry chips on)? He found the solution. He created a pimple banishing potion, and believe it or not it actually worked. Every teenager in the world wanted this stuff (especially Louise Midgeon, who set up camp in Diagon Alley to be the first in line). He even created a range for Muggles and gave it a new name, Acne Eraser_{© (}original name, I know. But seriously though, I can vouch for this product. Believe me, it made my face pimple free overnight!).

After testing this product on himself, Stan became a babe magnet, and had a new chick every week. He did, pray tell, settle down eventually. But a guy this good looking could only settle for a girl as amazing as he, and Fleur Delacour was the apple of this guy's eye. Fleur and Stan lived a long and fulfilling life, and had the ugliest kids in the world (yet to compensate for this atrociousness they became the smartest, and found the cure for cancer. Hooray!).

Pansy Parkinson: Turns out that Pansy was living a double life. One at Hogwarts, and the other at my school (yeah, how about that for coincidence?). She was, however, destined to be the exact same person in both schools; and she lived up to her title (given to her by the Gryffindors) as Bitch of the Century. She was so proud of it that she wrote an autobiography. Not one copy was sold (mainly because her face was on the cover), but there is a sunny side to this story.

She married a man (if that's what you want to call it), who very strangely looked a lot like Draco Malfoy (before he had his face reconstruction). They had a child which satisfied their aim in life, to create a youth who was as ugly as Pansy and her husband put together. This kid was no where near as ugly as Fleur and Ernie's but it did have the makings of the next Bitch of the Century (even if it was a boy).

Lavender Brown: This girl was heading for great things, way up with the stars (not literally). Lavender Brown became a specialist in Astrology. She was renowned all over the world, and thus was given job offer, after job offer, after job offer. Because she was so picky, though, she couldn't choose. That is, until she got one from Hogwarts. Whilst brooding on whether she should accept this job or not, she had - a premonition if you like - where she saw herself being served a cup of coffee by the best looking guy she had ever come across.

At this time, she didn't even realise that she was a Seer; all she could think about was that amazing hottie serving her the drink, and who on earth could he be? Well, luckily, in her premonition she recognized the Hogwarts staff room. That settled it, she would teach at Hogwarts! After a month there, her premonition was to be played out. She was sitting in her favourite chair in the staff room, when this incredible man walked in. He had a smudge of dirt on his cheek, and his biceps were better than Oliver Wood's. This guy was even better looking in real life, than in Lavender's head, and she could not believe her luck when he noticed and walked up to her, standing there like some bloody sex god and handing her a coffee.

When he finally spoke; instead of the booming, deep voice that one would have expected, a shrill squeal came out. "Lavender darling, don't you remember me? It's Neville, Neville Longbottom! How strange that we both got jobs here!" Lavender couldn't believe what she was hearing, and all she could do was faint. When she regained consciousness and she saw Neville's face floating above her, she made her decision then and there - she was meant to spend the rest of her life with him. And so, that is how it all worked out. I bet none of you expected Lavender and Neville to ever get together! Hah.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Gilderoy Lockhart never managed to regain his memory, but he was released from St Mungo's, after the hospital tattooed the words, 'I am Gilderoy Lockhart, but I lost my memory so please don't flock me, Thank You!' onto his forehead. Believe it or not, this actually worked. People didn't confront him because they were in fear of damaging his already troubled mind. After an uneventful period of roaming aimlessly for a couple of years, Gilderoy stumbled across several goblins beating up a man.

He ran over straight away, scaring off all the goblins with his dazzling smile. As it turned out, the man that was being beaten up was Ludo Bagman. Ludo was in a bit of a muddle, unemployed and hated by all. However, at this time he suddenly had a brilliant idea.

Him and Lockhart became lifelong partners (the working kind, you sick-minded readers!). Gilderoy wrote these amazing 'non-fiction' books about being captured by giant snakes and saving damsels in distress. Nobody actually believed any of these stories but he ended up selling millions of copies anyway. This is where Ludo came in; he became Gilderoy's manager and got 50 percent of the profits. He managed to pay off all his debts, and became a free man.

They bought a cottage together and two dogs as their companions. They lived happily ever after, except for when Ludo got that gambling addiction. Well, I think we can make an exception, not everyone can live happily ever after.

Dean Thomas: Dean led a rather fascinating life in the end. He became a world-renowned artist, in the Wizarding and Muggle worlds alike. You could say that he was a bit like Leunig, but at the same time kept his individual creative style. One of his most loved pieces was the transformation of an entire corn field into a painting of a UFO. It baffled scientists from all over the world, and had the same publicity as the crop circles a few decades back. Turns out that his parents were the culprits for that stunt (they're artists too, and very eccentric ones at that), and they were so proud when he got into the newspapers.

After all the hype ended, he decided to create a sculpture, but not an ordinary one, mark my words, this one was a walking and talking sculpture. It was kind of like a type of robot, just the size of the Empire State Building. Sadly he lost control of it and it ran away to live under the sea, causing many tidal waves upon its arrival. See, this sculpture got depressed when his friends teased him about being so freakishly tall and couldn't live among them any longer. After this disastrous masterpiece, Dean gave up on making BIG artworks, and instead settled on creating miniature matchstick men, with the red-heads chopped off, of course.

Sirius Black: Before I begin with Sirius' future I would like to say, screw you J. K. Rowling, how dare you kill Sirius! I had an awesome ending for him, and now you've ruined it for me, and the same goes for Ginny. I started writing this epilogue before book 5 came out, and you gave Ginny a personality and friends. That isn't right! So yeah, screw you!

Well, sadly, Sirius passed away during Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts. Which, I've got to say, screwed everybody over. They couldn't have a funeral for him, because Sirius' body disappeared like all the rest of him! And if they had have had a funeral, without a doubt, Harry would have made it into the book, The Most Beautiful Speeches Ever Presented during Funerals_©. Anyway, back to Sirius.

The Veil, it turns out, was just another way of entering the afterlife, and lucky Sirius, he got to die twice. Firstly, he got that curse aimed right at his chest AND secondly, he flew straight through the veil. He was a tad bewildered when he crossed over, and rightly so. The first thing that happened to him was Lily slapping him on the face, knocking him out. He recovered pretty quickly (he had always been a fast healer) and the next thing that happened was James punching him in the face (ha-ha just kidding).

Actually, the next thing that happened was James running up to him and hugging the living daylights out of him (excuse the pun). The two best friends were so happy to be with one another again, they pranced around in a circle for a total of 27 minutes. Eventually, they brought him to live with them in their little cottage near a little well on a little cloud. Turns out that Lily and James had been watching Harry from this little well for his entire life. Sirius magicked himself a comfortable chair to sit on so that he could study Harry as well, along with his parents.

Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey: Ginny and Colin, for the time being I don't know much about the two. All I really know is that they are obsessed with our hero, Harry Potter. Well, their love for him brought them together. Neither Ginny nor Colin had many friends (screw you, J.K.), and one day in sixth year they found themselves sitting next to each other in Divinations class. They were both peering into their crystal balls when they saw a kookaburra laughing. Now, the kookaburra symbolized that they had been searching for something their entire lives and that they were about to find it. This kookaburra was laughing though, not to symbolize anything, but just because it was pretty hilarious that they were right under each other's noses.

They looked up at each other, their eyes met, and they too cracked up laughing. They got married and now they both work at the Daily Prophet together, Colin a photographer and Ginny a journalist. Together they write a column all about...Muggles (you thought I was going to say Harry Potter, didn't you?), they keep a running report on their lives. This is because now, witches and wizards have finally taken an interest in what Muggles are doing. Colin and Ginny haven't had any children yet but Ginny will soon be expecting a baby girl (I know, I asked Lavender).

Dolores Umbridge: Now we come across the most horrible of the characters, and as you would expect the most horrible fate has beseeched upon her petty life. Professor McGonagall finally lost it when Umbridge came to meet up with her for the last time, regarding all those stupid rules she passed onto the school. Well, McGonagall couldn't resist the urge to transform her into a toad - a big, fat, and ugly looking toad that ended up being the size of Umbridge's head.

Professor McGonagall was always a very curious woman, and she wanted to find out what would happen to a toad if you threw it off a tower. No time like the present, she thought to herself. And so, she climbed all the way to the top of the astronomy tower, and let poor Dolores Umbridge fall to the unforgiving ground. Turns out, when a toad hits the ground after being dropped off a tower, it goes SPLAT! Who would have thought?

Lord Voldemort: After Voldemort finally got over trying to kill Harry he saw the error in his ways. He was walking along the beach when he looked up and saw over the horizon, his Future. He had an epiphany - he was to become a monk. Changing his direction, he walked all the way to the Austrian Alps. See, when a great wizard, such as Voldemort has a vision, they gain the ability to walk on water (that's how he got from England to Australia). He was walking for years. When he finally made it to the monastery he wanted - the one adjacent to Kat's Convent, he lived there for many years, not saying a word to anyone.

One day, he got out of bed, gave an enormous burp and left the monastery. He changed his name - again - to Dame Lori Movroldt. He figured that if he changed his name to make it sound as though he was another sex, he would be left alone. But the Ministry tracked him down, and now he works in the Colony of Very Overgrown Dragons in the Sky.

They thought that if they sent him to Azkaban, he would manipulate the Dementors into letting him out, so they sent him to live with enormous dragons. He met Norbert there, but they didn't get on very well. Norbert tried to light him on fire and he only just got away with his life. He now owns a delightful little cottage in the middle of the Hungarian Horntail enclosure.

Nagini the Snake: Frankly, I don't care about what J.K. Rowling has to say about what Nagini did with his life. I reckon that Nagini is the same boa constrictor Harry set on Dudley in the zoo. So, when Harry confronted her for the second time, Nagini was in his debt (we believe she grew so big because of the brandy she shared secretly with Norbert the previous year).

She did a little snake dance (if you would like to see this dance, you should talk to two professional snake charmers from Australia called Char and Dian, they might perform it for you) and they had a very deep conversation about the rights of snakes, their favourite foods and why the sky is blue (unfortunately, this scene didn't make it into the books).

Turns out that as Nagini was making her way to Brazil after Harry released her from the zoo, she was confronted by Voldemort. After serving him for a while, she set off again to Brazil, but unfortunately was captured by a Brazilian zoo. At least now she's in Brazil with her family, who were also captured.

Cho Chang: Cho Chang never managed to get over Cedric Diggory's death (aw, the poor baby...sorry, but I really hate her). Instead of getting help like most normal people would, she became a serial killer. What she would do was get some unsuspecting wizard or even Muggle boy to fall in love with her, and then somehow he would suddenly just drop dead. No one really knows why she did it. Each murder was made to look like the poor guy died of natural causes, or suicide. She even tried to get back at Harry one time.

She disguised herself so that he wouldn't recognise her, but her stupid plan was foiled when she forgot to take her polyjuice potion whist she was on a date with him. Either way she was rejected, to which she responded by trying to drop an anvil on his head. She missed though, and instead hit Marcus Flint (he was following Harry as well, you see, another stupid murder attempt. Why can't anyone understand that he is invincible and the only person who can kill him is Voldemort, who redeemed himself and lives amongst the clouds?). Anyhow, Cho was taken by the Ministry and charged for murder in the 50^th degree. She spent the rest of her life in Azkaban.

Moaning Myrtle: Moaning Myrtle, because she was a ghost, wasn't exactly able to live a very fulfilling life - I mean...death. Whatever. She spent more or less the rest of her 'death' in depression, moping about and crying. Eventually the school reopened her bathroom which depressed her even more. She decided to search for her crush Harry Potter and went through every sewage pipe in the world but, alas, never found him (he died before she began). She is still alive, or dead should I say. She is currently living in a toilet in Buckingham Palace, it always smells so nice there (the Queen perfumes her business before flushing).

Dennis Creevey: Dennis Creevey - well what can I say, he was devastated when he found out Ginny and Colin were in love. What was he to do? He was still a midget and obsessed with Harry Potter, but when Harry graduated, Dennis went to the Dark Side.

He now reads, watches, and acts out scenes from of Star Wars. He's about to open a broad way musical, When Star Wars Takes over Your Life_©. Personally I think it's great, but you've got to understand the Star Wars movies, especially Jar Jar Binks, to really get the gist of it. He never married, but did have a funeral service for his Star Wars tapes which melted while he was cooking mashed potatoes with magic. We will miss the tapes greatly.

Fred and George Weasley: Fred and George did open a joke store, and it was very successful; it won Witch Weekly's Most Visited Store award. Fred and George never lost their sense of humour, but at some point in their successful careers they went through an identity crisis (somewhere after Percy came). They felt that no one ever referred them as just Fred or just George, always Fred and George, so they separated (although, still maintained the joke shop).

Fred started a family, and to his father's joy it was a Muggle girl who he married. George travelled the world and became a very famous comedian. They eventually reunited and are happier than ever. Turns out that Fred's wife was Angelina Johnson's little sister, who didn't ave any Magical talent, but still knew all about the magical world. Fred and George are close to owning 2,000,000 galleons, 500,000 rubber chickens and 2,360,127,000 ton-tongue toffees. They fooled around young and died happy...literally.

Peeves the Poltergeist: Peeves never actually got kicked out of Hogwarts, and he's still there today. He outlived Filch (even though, he was technically already dead). In fact, Peeves was the one who led Filch to his death. It was a beautiful winter day, there were snowballs magically chasing students around, wet floors everywhere and mistletoe popping up at all times. Filch was furiously chasing after Peeves because he smashed 124 windows in a period of three minutes, and he was about one metre behind him when Peeves opened a door leading outside.

Unfortunately they were three stories up. Filch fell to his death while Peeves watched. "And so falls a worthy opponent," was all he could say. Peeves never felt guilty about killing him, because Filch is now another ghost inhabiting the Hogwarts castle. Their fights continue on to this day, much to the amusement of the students.

Hermione Granger: Hermione came out of Hogwarts with flying colours and received 500% for all her exams. Because Cornelius Fudge got fired, she became the new Minister of Magic. As she was the first ever female to take on the position, the majority of the male magical population were outraged.

She was soon accepted, however, when she sent all the ex Death Eaters to Azkaban, even when they pleaded non-guilty (she was too smart for them, you see). With Harry's help, she found them all (Harry also helped her win the respect of the rest of the Ministry). She married Ron (obviously) and they moved into an enormous house and had two children. She lived happily ever after.

Rita Skeeter: You won't believe what happened to this loveable character! Rita Skeeter lived a very fulfilling life. She managed to piss off so many people (and all the wrong people, might I add), and when she tried to hide from them all in a cave, they heard she was in town, grabbed their flaming hay stacks and pitchforks, and chased after her. Sadly, they never caught up, because she just disappeared seemingly into thin air. The only thing that the rioting people found was a funny looking beetle. Oh well.

After a while, Rita stumbled upon the Ministry of Magic in London, and crawled on her hands and knees to Hermione's office, pleading forgiveness - she wanted to redeem herself. Hermione, being the lovely person she was, gave Rita a job as her secretary. However, Hermione kept on receiving hate mail from the general public, complaining that the person writing all her letters was very rude and cynical.

Hermione rethought what job Rita should have and came to the conclusion that Rita would be best suited to be the President of S. P. E. W. (Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare). It worked out very well for Rita and the Elves. Although many of them didn't want equal pay, Rita compromised and got all the House Elf owners to feed them at the dinner table. It was like a way of saying 'you are my equal'. Well in the end everybody was happy.

Ron Weasley: As I mentioned in Hermione's future, she and Ron got married. The reason they only had two children was because Ron didn't want there to be any middle child syndromes. They both became very wealthy, not only because Hermione was Minister, but also because Ron wrote a best-seller - How to Live Life with Arachnophobia_©. Even though he wrote this book, and cured millions of witches and wizards all over the world, he never got over his own fear.

He used some of the profits to buy his parents a mansion - they loved it. Ron stayed best-friends with Harry, and together they opened up an orphanage for young witches and wizards. Their objectives were obvious. This way all the magical children of the world wouldn't have to live with their pathetic Muggle relations. Rn also lived happily ever after (well, if Hermione did...).

Molly Weasley: Molly (as I mentioned in Dobby's future) wrote that extensive diet for the entire Order of the Phoenix. When the Order split up after Voldemort redemption, she was left with nothing to do - all her children moved out and she had house elves to do the house work. As most children know, once they move out their mothers slowly but surely go insane. However, this was not going to happen to our dearest Mrs. Weasley.

She, instead, wrote a book (yes, she like many of the other characters, just happened to be a gifted writer). It was a recipe book, including all her favourite recipes that were both nutritious and consisting of at least one vegetable. Every witch and wizard in the world wanted this book (cause they do no real exercise and therefore really have to watch what they're eating), and so they sold like hot cakes (no pun intended). There were even people in Antarctica who wanted this cook book.

After the book's success, Mrs. Weasley again had nothing to do, so she decided to write another book, and another, and another. She ended up writing a total of 33 books in her lifetime. It's funny how some Weasleys are destined to be writers and some just aren't.

Harry Potter: Last but not least, the character you've been waiting for - Harry Potter. You must know that the last line in the seventh Harry Potter book is 'Where is your scar?', and from reading this, I'm suspecting Harry to still be alive. That is, of course, unless someone is talking to a dead Harry Potter. This is in the last book, and that means he has finished his schooling and graduated.

Because poor Sirius died, Harry moved out of the Dursley's house immediately and got a place of his own, naming it The Bachelor's Pad. He met a pretty Muggle girl and they soon fell in love. The reason he went for her, was because she fell in love with him rather than his reputation. When he told her that he was a wizard, she accepted it and loved him even more for it. She became the first Muggle to become a part witch (mind you, her name was Mary Sue). Harry taught enough magic to her so that it could help her with the house work and some self-defence.

She fortunately excelled in potions (unlike Harry, who only just passed his Potions exam), and she earned herself a wand. Harry was given an award for teaching a Muggle adult the ways of the magical. They had two children, a witch and a wizard and were so very proud! Harry, of course, became the seeker for the English Quidditch team and didn't lose them a game. He and his wife lived to the ripe old age of 135. They died on the same day - ironically Halloween, just like Harry's parents. Most people would think that to be very sweet but I find it downright warped.